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Granted! But you're cheap and use the "Economy" level of delivery drop service, which doesn't include a parachute. Your grocery drop consistently looks like a stain on your sidewalk each week.


I wish I had a pet Honey Badger named 'Sid' that was as docile as a Golden Retriever and didn't shed.

Granted. Unfortunately, Sid emits a foul odor which is impossible to get rid of.



I wish for a memorable massage.

Granted... Now your backs in agaony and the pain never quite goes away.

You remeber it forever.
It also makes you immortal... With back pain...

...

I wish I had my own house.

Granted. It's right next to busy non-electrified railroad with tunnel nearby.

I wish that Matt Ward would become Britain's Prime Minister.

Granted. He raises taxes as often as GW raised prices.

I wish for a quick service call.

Granted The call is quick, the service is at average speed and the price is five times your yearly income. Also none of it is satisfying.

I wish I was better at sculpting miniatures.

Granted you are a genius.. But.. Your working for Kim jong un and now impressioned making beautiful miniatures.

I wish that I had some chocolate icecream.

Granted. You are given a large bowl of delicious chocolate ice cream.
Afterwards you discover that you have suddenly become severely lactose intolerant.



I wish for an epic evening.

Granted. You get punched by King Kong, stepped on by Godzilla, smashed by the Incredible Hulk, and then chased by zombies until dawn breaks the next day. Pretty epic, huh?

I wish I had a date for Valentine's Day.

Granted! Charles Manson has been paroled and is looking for love after decades of incarceration and he picked you as his Valentine's Day object of affection. I hear he likes chocolate...


I wish that the next time Kim Jong-Un launches a missile, it immediately reverses trajectory and fires right down on him and his gak cronies in whatever viewing bunker he's ensconced in.

Granted... We only killed his clone...

Sadly we must form a task force of Heros we need but do not deserve, engage in a black ops mission and take him put before he dooms the universe as a world dominating space cockroach with allied to zombie hitler.

I wish that Donald trump was less orange.

Granted. He's more cucumber now...

I wish I could operate the washing machine.

Granted, but you forget how to operate everything else.

I wish group projects weren't so awful

Granted. You have all the work.. And no one else to share it.

I wish I had a fprgeworld warlord titan.

Granted. It is filled with tem million air bubbles and a miscast foot.

I wish for another lead haul.

Granted. The lead is highly radioactive because it was used as radiation shielding in an active nuclear reactor. You get to enjoy new and interesting forms of cancer.

I wish for a new computer.

Granted. You got new Commodore 64.

I wish for new shoes.

Granted there 6 sizes too big, neon pink and made of cast iron.

I wish I had a comfey chair.

Granted. You can't ever get out of it.

I wish for enlightenment.

Granted. You get it the same way Bodhidharma did (facing a wall for nine years listening to the ants screaming.)



I wish more modern rock bands played cool guitar riffs.

Granted every song has a 5 minute guitar solo. It gets rather boring.

...

I wish I was warmer.

Granted. You catch on fire.

I wish to find the last few.

Granted! But significantly more are soon located in an abandoned warehouse.


I wish I had a personal chef on call to make delicious guacamole on demand for me.

Granted. You become the dictator of a small, third world banana republic. Unfortunately you are quickly overthrown.


I wish for a new pair of shoes.

Granted. They where new... Before we gave them to a goat as a snack.

I wish that I had a purple cushion

Granted. It is just the right size for an epic scale space marine.

I wish for a complete set of miniatures.

Granted. You get a complete set of the worst miniatures ever cast by human hands. You are suprised to find none of them are Citadel, Mantic, or even Privateer Press. In fact the where all cast by a now forgotten individual who lived in Kent. Also he cast them in still radioactive lead from the shielding of a nuclear reactor.

I wish I was less mono-dimensional.

Granted. You are now two-dimensional, but monochrome.



I wish I was at a parade.

Granted. It is a parade of of smelly, rotting dead whales.

Also one explodes on you.
(seriously exploding whale bodies are nasty and they STINK)

...

I wish for a longer weekend.

Granted! Enjoy that nanosecond addition to Sunday evening!


I wish Greenland would stop melting.