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Granted. The gold is very, very radioactive. And unsellable because of this.

I wish for free cake.

Granted. It turns out to be a lie.

I wish I had more friends

Granted. They never leave you alone, ever.

I wish for a full ride scholarship to the university of my choice.

Granted. You have a full scholarship for custodial study.

I wish the garbage truck would come.

Granted. It comes and breaks down in front of your house, which is soon filled with its oderiferous emanations.


I wish I could play the guitar as well as Andres Segovia.

Granted! But it's a different Andres Segovia. This one works in a flea bag bordello in Panama, has only one finger with which he picks his nose almost nonstop and is tone deaf.

I wish every time someone lied, their pants would catch fire, with the severity being directly correlated to the noxiousness of the lie.

Granted. Because nobody can make it through a day without lying (What's up? Nothing. *Fwoosh*) everybody on earth burns to death.

I wish for Fires Of Cyraxus to be released.

Granted. They are released as a hardbound trilogy costing 60 quid a pop.

I wish for spring to arrive.

Granted. It arrives, but you still have to wait more than 7 months until Halloween.



I wish that for just one week all politicians and members of the media could only speak the truth.

Granted. Everybody dies, because someone insults Trump and he starts a nuclear war.

(I wouldn't even mind if FoC cost £60)

I wish for a actual, real life, working lightsaber, that doesn't need to be recharged.

Granted. Howevr, being unskilled in its use, it is not long before you begin losing appendages.



I wish for a nice, cool breeze.

Granted. It's 5° Kelvin.

I wish for a portal gun that works on any surface, and some long fall boots.

Granted! You take it to the beach to show it off and accidently put it down on a patch of quicksand. You also get your long, fall boots but climate change has made it perpetually summer.


I wish I had a private jet, with a trained crew, available for me to use 24/7.

Granted. It costs $25000.oo per flight.

I wish for a batch of fried chicken.

Granted. The fried chicken appears inside your stomach, so you don't get a chance to taste it.

I wish for a fish slap.

Granted. You get slapped with the metal side of the shark from Gyo.

I wish I was smarter.

Granted. You're smart enough to comprehend Things That Should Not Be Known. Your family finds you rocking back and forth in a padded room.

I wish for the ability to teleport.

Granted. You can teleport from home to north Korea only.

Welcome to hell.

I wish I had a longer weekend.

Granted but you have to work on it as if it was animal day

I wish for an M&S gift card... because...

Granted. You get a giftcard for 250 Australian dollars and the card is only valid in a single M&S store located in the Australian desert. Not spending the card will summon a level 55 Greater demon from a random alignment who will proceed to claim your soul. Painfully.

I wish to be a Daemon prince.

Granted. You are made of finecast and painted sloppily by a kid named Timmy, who discards you after losing interest.

I wish to be remembered.

Granted. A horrible accident and a terrible misunderstanding, causes you to land on the registered sex offenders list, as well as making national news.
You will forever be remembered as disgusting deviant where ever you go.

I wish to be a God.

Granted. You're the god of minor annoyances, with no power outside of hiding keys.

I wish for coherent dreams that aren't horrifying.

Granted you now dream only of a single story. 50 shades of grey.

I wish I had more Martian iron earth*

Granted! Unfortunately the seals on all of your pots were compromised due to quality control issues and all of your MIE is the consistency of a crusty old booger that's been on the underside of an elementary school desk for two semesters.


I wish anyone writing "fake news" would just simultaneously combust.

Granted. Everybody combusts, because Trump thinks everything is fake news.

I wish for some more Abaddon Black.

Granted. You, your house and all your possesions get painted Abaddon Black. Have fun cleaning paint of your windows and screens. Not to mention your eyeballs.

I wish for a rocket van.

Granted. The rockets are pointed the wrong way.

I wish for a fully functional Culture GSV to Contact us... oh, at 9 PM.

Granted but they are a twisted evil version who found way to eye of terror.

They enslave you and make you toil to your death and give Donald trump imortality and rule of mankind.

I wish the weather would be more predictable.

Granted. It is always raining.

I wish for common sense to prevail everywhere.