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*Astartes...

purplefood wrote:*Astartes...

I love how I keep missing that MR. KHAN!!!!
Anyway....
I need to get the battle report up with the Wanderers vs the Storm Crusaders. Should I do this?
Yes
No

Asherian Command wrote:
...
never Give Up Never Surrender- (Never gonna give you up never gonna desert you)
...

I wonder how many people got that quote...
Because I sure did

forruner_mercy wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:
...
never Give Up Never Surrender- (Never gonna give you up never gonna desert you)
...

I wonder how many people got that quote...
Because I sure did

If you keep reading some parts of my lore you will see alot of modern day references XD.

"Brother Captain Rick, what do we do now?"
"For the Emperor! Because... Never gonna Give you up! Never gonna let my brothers die. With you."
"..... Where the hell is Tyrion when you need him."

forruner_mercy wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:
...
never Give Up Never Surrender- (Never gonna give you up never gonna desert you)
...

I wonder how many people got that quote...
Because I sure did

By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged.

Kaesar

By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged

nice...and Sigourney was pretty hot in the movie to.

Captain Promethus

Weapons.
Grabthar's Hammer
Shield of Unlimited Power.
Magic Missile

Armor:
The Heart of the Wolverine
(artificer Armor)

Done!

Time to Add some stuff. I've been working on some stuff on Warhammer40k Fanon and i have recieved 42 messages. on the first day... Argh... But I forgot to post some fluff stuff and changes. Which is here http://warhammer40kfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Storm_Crusaders

Here are two companies which I perviously had no lore on


The Firebirds *Warning* IS Highly Experimental*

Even more secret and resolute are the Firebirds. Created by Asherian himself the firebirds are Storm Crusaders that rid themselves of title and name and become The Avengers of the chapter. Taking to the sky they carry specialized bolters. Sometimes they carry even more specialized equipment to ensure their fury is made upon the enemies of the Imperium. The Firebirds are now no-longer under the control of the Storm Crusaders, they are company given to the Inqusition as Obliterators or if the Inqusition has to deal with a problem. The Firebirds are sent in. They are one of the few Astrates permitted to know of the existance of the Grey Knights.

The Firebirds have notably actually recorded the events that occured under the nose of the inqusition and sometimes have given it to only select members of the chapter. The Captain or the Cypher is the only one who may share it with those he chooses. They clad themselves in death and wear skulls as reminders of those that look upon them know their death is soon close at hand.

The Firebirds are organized as shock troops and are often sent in as kill teams, being hand picked from any company, once chosen they are never heard from by their brothers ever again. He's name, rank, and honors are scrubbed away from him as he accepts his new task. It is sometimes but very unlikely that a newly joint Astrates of the Crusaders is chosen. The attraction of new recurits for this company is the Crusader Mutation, where their eyes change according to mood and they fight in almost complete silence, as battle is comparable to an Conductor orchestrating a Choir.

They are comparable to the Deathwatch and are sometimes joint with them on missions against Xenos, Cults or the like. The Firebirds are not known widely among other chapters, though when saw the enemies the Firebirds face know their end is nigh. For they are there to destroy more than just them, but their entire world.



A Firebird



There are only 104 Firebirds.

The Paladins

Widely known as the will of the Chapter Council. They are charged with dealing with honor debts. The Paladins are comparable to the Honor Guards of a Codex Chapter. They are sent on campagins to end blood oaths or anything the chapter has towards another chapter or organization, allowing the chapter or organization to use one of the Paladins as an extra hand against anything. Usually Paladins are sent if the Crusaders know of a Campagin that might prove difficult for a chapter a Paladin honor squad is sent with a strike vessel and a small detachment of a Company along with a Novice Leader. The Paladins are the true pride of the chapter. Recruits are found from any Astrates of the Chapter that proves to withhold honor before his own life and for tasks of almost daring suicide.

The Paladins speed into battle honing their skills with Halbried and blade alike. They wield relics of the chapter and which only they can bear. Very few Crusaders ever reach the level of Paladin. Once they do they must remain a Paladin until The Chapter Council sees it is right to promote him. They are given the most unquie armor of all the Crusaders each rune or ceramite painstakingly carved into ceramite plates.

The Paladins rebuke Pyskers. None of them are pyskers, some are known to possess weapons that make even daemons rush back in fear of the weapons they have. The Paladins fight in unity, not as indiviual warriors unlike the Guardians who fight as separate Warriors. Instead of a Captain they are lead by the Chapter First Templar.
It should be noted that the Inqusition takes no Interest in this Company seeing it has no use to them but only to the crusaders. But instead to inspire young Aspirants.

Beliefs

Unlike most chapters the Crusaders do not see the Emperor as a god. But as a Human of physical and mental perfection. And that he must be remembered at all costs. And that humanity must be saved even if costs them all of their lives if necessary.

This chapter is also widely known for its recruiting method. Where they let the Aspirant choose to become a Crusader or stay mortal. Those that choose to stay mortal may stay and live a normal peaceful life. those that choose To Become a crusader Leave with the Chapter Chaplain and his guard and he begins the trails. (Which are the completely inhumane trails even among the Adeptus Astrates. There are 12 trails that begin Refer to the Trails from a few pages back to know how bad it actually is....) The Chapter believes that the Humans that recruit from them must know what exactly they are and the gaxaly. Usually sending a small amount of resources to ensure the people are protected and learn to fend for themselves if the time ever comes. This of course provides an ample amount of recruits. Though the Storm Crusaders actually do maintain a secret of what they go through as an initiate.

The Drancorinain Empire along with their Navy, provide an Draconian Military basis. Of which contains at least a (Or fewer) hundred regiments.

The Chapter is quiet stricter than other chapters. It is a known rule in the crusaders that no officer in the field or any other battle brother may remove their helmet. As they know that snipers would clear the head off the Crusaders. For safety the chapter officers wear very few honors and command titles on their armor. Though if need be to strike fear they do wear all of their honors.

Technologies

The Crusaders Utilize Camouflaging technologies during times of war like many other chapters that have close ties to the Adeptus Mechanicus. This camouflaging makes the subject blend in to his surrounding but not actual cloaking but to look like the environment around them that of which detailed as warpaint. Instead it is instantaneous if activated by the Astrates.

Apothecaries are known widely to use it. For extra protection for the future of the Crusaders rests with them. Apothecaries do not wear white in the chapter as it is seen as a sign of weakness.

The Storm Crusaders sometimes have access to Stalker Pattern Bolters, Melta weapons, and plasma weapons more than other chapters.

The Chapter Armory contains a few Stormraven Gunships, Drancorian Predators which are armed with mostly plasma weaponry. (Main gun Plasma, side sponsons plasma), and even Two Contemptor Dreadnoughts.

Changes (Especially to the fleet)
The Chapter Fleet is massive especially for an Astrates Chapter.

The Chapter Contains.

3 Battle Barges (The Guardian, The Light of Asherian, and The Drancorian)

39 Strike Cruisers (1 per company. The Master of the Fleet has 3, and the Guardians have 2. Alpha Squadron and the Firebirds have 1 (Each) as well. Though 1 is currently damaged)

70 Other Vessels

The Crusaders do maintain 2 other Battle Barges but they are from the Storm Knights chapter that contained 3 Battle Barges before its destruction the 2 Battle Barges have been given to the Adeptus Mechanicus for safe keeping if the Crusaders would ever be in need of the Battle Barge's in a war. How the Battle Barges survived the Tyranic Battle is unknown.

The Drancorian Empire's Shipping lanes are very important to the Imperium as they contain new shipments of the nearby Forge World which contain Power Armor, Terminator Armor, Land Raiders, and anything for a new chapter to be produced. These worlds are protected rigirously by the Storm Crusaders. The main reason why the fleet is so large is because of the threats are so great that any normal Astrates chapter would of been annihilated long ago. The Drancorian Navy also is equipped to deal with space warfare but the Storm Crusaders are also equipped as well.


Traditions and Leadership


Unlike most chapters, the Chapter is lead by a chapter council, its members are the Grand Guardians, The Ancients, First Templar, Both Grand Templars, The Magistrate, Forge Master, Chief Apothecary, Master of the Cypher, and the Arch Templar. This Council deals with all the decisions to go to war and deal with all the planning for campaigns and assign companies their duties. They are all centered around a certain element of their choosing, the only ones that do not choose are the Ancients, First Templar, and the Master of the Cypher.

It Should be noted that the Arch Templar does not hold enough power to take the entire chapter to war unless all members of the chapter and the inquisitorial representatives say and agree with this. Thus Far this has never happened as the chapter is rarely together and the Captains are very active by themselves and consider it to be insane to command the entire crusaders chapter. The Chapter Council has the final say in the matter as well to ensure No single man can control the might of a legion like army.

The Master of the Cypher is absolutely unknown, he has never shown his face, even his job is a mystery, any Astrates found trying to find out about the Master of the Cypher is immediately executed for heresy or mindwiped of the even completely or severely punished. The Master of the Cypher Emphasizes Death and leads the Chapter in dealing with the dead of the chapter and also maintaining traditions, similar to a Master of Sanctity but with more tasks and may never actually enter the battlefield unless needed. (Basically Master of Sanctity.)

Like the Black Templars the position of Grand Templar is attained by the vote of the captains and fought between the Lord Commanders only 3 are chosen and they lead the chapter.

Some pictures
Apothecary

Terminator of the 1st Company

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Please comment!

The whole thing is Mary Sue...

Most of the Chapters agree with the Emperor not being a God, just sayin'.

purplefood wrote:The whole thing is Mary Sue...

Agreed. This part of my lore I agree, I've been trying to figure out how to fix the mary sueness
I Think the Paladins and the Firebirds are Mary Sue to the max. Paladins i need to add some color to them. I should probably add they are no different than the Guardians just not pyskers.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

AlmightyWalrus wrote:Most of the Chapters agree with the Emperor not being a God, just sayin'.

Yeah but the Crusaders see it as heresy for believing he is a god.
But meh. This part of my lore needs to get fixed anyway. Just rewrote specific sections.

Okay by request I have cut down the amount of chapters to 8. (Purplefood)

For I agreed I had too many chapters along with my brother. So I cut down to 8. (1 renegade, I got rid of the fact that the Wanderers have the same belief as the Crusaders to make them feel like more opposite. Though i might change this because I really liked their feel of "We are kinda emo like our Dark Angel Brethren, but we hate everyone else." Moral and physical perfection was there goal and still is so it might bound between their religious side. So I might change it. I might make the Phoenix Knights Super Religious or something i rolled a dice and got them four times. :/ )
And I have 10 Organizations to go along with them to fight against. (Of course there is sometimes not an oddity of them Fighting Each other. So After much researching (Like 2 days) I have found 7 Loyalist Chapters to use...
I have combined several of my chapters or deleted several of them.
They are all located near the vinicity of the Ghoul Stars in the northerns part but still in the boundaries of the Astronomicon.
These chapters are dubbed. Brotherhood of the Ghoul Stars and Saviors of Drancoris.
They Include
The Storm Crusaders
The Wanderers
Dusk Guard
Sword Templars
Phoenix Knights*
Dawn Paladins*
Black Juggernauts*
*Combined Chapters from pervious incarnations.
Now to introduce the New Guys

Phoenix Knights
Combining Both the Blade Knights and the Son's of the Phoenix (they were both the same chapters), Brothers in arms, but descendants of the Storm Crusaders, ever since I got rid of the fact that the Storm Crusaders Break Down in half. Seeing that is almost impossible I will be retconning it out of my lore. The Phoenix Knights wear Red and Bronze armor. Their Symbol is the Phoenix with a sword through it. They Guard against the Empire of the Blight. Their homeworld is the Dedarios a Feudel World reminiscent of old Earth. They do not heed the Codex Astrates and are specialists at Trench Warfare and Mechanical warfare. Having access to a large number of Vechiles, they make use of everything at their disposal they usually frown at the use of bikes and landspeeders taking heavy artillery over fast attack forces.

Dawn Paladins (Combined the Son's Of Asherian with Knightly Avengers, Blue Paladins)
a Realtively New chapter the Dawn Paladins are mighty Soldiers that like the Storm Crusaders have no idea who their Founding Legion is. The Dawn Paladins often speed into battle to save Drancorian Military Personnel. Ever Since then they have won Favor the Storm Crusaders. The Dawn Paladins follow the Codex to an extent. Instead of 100 Astrates per a company they have adopted 115 per company. They maintain 3 Extra companies, 2 of which are scout companies and 1 which is an extra Assualt Company. They primary focus on Lightning Warfare. They wear White and Green Armor (µ)

Black Juggernauts (Iron Raiders, Black Fists, and the Black Ravens) They hold the world Kelitor as a Strong Point against the Eversuns Empire.
Strict followers of the Codex they are descended from the Ultramarines. They see the Storm Crusaders as weaklings and often refuse to fight against them unless necessary. They are known to use everything detailed in the codex. (The Ultramarines baby :( ) They hold the world of Yeris, an world reminisicent of Ultramar. The Chapter was founded during the 7th Founding and sent to help the Crusaders against the Empires that reside there.

The Old Guys
Storm Crusaders
This Thread has been about this -.- Read back
The Wanderers
Given the Worlds of Talin's Gate, Vigil, Hell's Gate, Dorvin and access to the defenses against the Eldar Exodites. They are still fleet based. They still maintain only 580 Astrates and they are now Monks that preach of the Emperor. They seek relics of their chapter and also hunt for the Fallen. They Do not follow the Codex.
Dusk Guard
Blood Angel Descendants. They are realtively new to the Sector having been sent away from their original Homeworld as it was destroyed by an Unknown Space Oddity. The Chapter was given the World of Beta Zulu 245, which was settled and renamed Berin's Paradise (A joke for it is a desert planet, with three distinct moons, 1 coated in red, 1 coated in green, 1 coated in black.) Hence the chapters colors resemble this. They follow the codex and are afflicted by the Red Thirst. They use tactics like their blood angel brethren, but have a keen eye for drop podding into battle. They are charged with protecting (along with the sword templars) Neutralizing the Ork forces.
Sword Templars
Imperial Fists Descendant Chapter they have been with the Crusaders since they were founded (Fourth) But they know the Crusaders are far older than the records say. They maintain an Emperors Champion and are known to be universally stubborn. They are experts at siege warfare, boarding ships and take to the field with sternguards. All of their Terminators are equipped with Thunder Claymores which act as thunder hammers. They are known throughout the Sector as master swordsmen. They fight with the Dusk Guard against the Ork Wagh! Bloodeyez. They are a fleet based chapter that recurit primarily from the local regiments and death worlds of Sarynx and Jegois.

More to follow on the sector

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:The whole thing is Mary Sue...

Agreed. This part of my lore I agree, I've been trying to figure out how to fix the mary sueness
I Think the Paladins and the Firebirds are Mary Sue to the max. Paladins i need to add some color to them. I should probably add they are no different than the Guardians just not pyskers.

I don't think it's just this part... everything about them is some kind of unexplained, jarring exception. You really need to grasp that simply assigning characteristics which make them vastly superior to every other chapter (and nice and humane too!) does not make them interesting.

Read Ferrata's guide to DIY chapter design, paying particular attention to 'Don'ts', 'Clichés' and 'Suspension of Disbelief'.

English Assassin wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

purplefood wrote:The whole thing is Mary Sue...

Agreed. This part of my lore I agree, I've been trying to figure out how to fix the mary sueness
I Think the Paladins and the Firebirds are Mary Sue to the max. Paladins i need to add some color to them. I should probably add they are no different than the Guardians just not pyskers.

I don't think it's just this part... everything about them is some kind of unexplained, jarring exception. You really need to grasp that simply assigning characteristics which make them vastly superior to every other chapter (and nice and humane too!) does not make them interesting.

Read Ferrata's guide to DIY chapter design, paying particular attention to 'Don'ts', 'Clichés' and 'Suspension of Disbelief'.

I have read that article but sometimes the author needs more than just one comment pointing out its mary sue without pointing out certain parts of it are cliched or mary sue. IT takes a group effort.

Well, okay, to start with, I'd suggest refining your ideas (which are presently all over the place) to a single theme, supported by a list of a few defining characteristics. Pretty much every one of these should be directly relevant to that theme, not just tacked-on because it sounds cool.

Pick a single, specific cultural basis (this will help with consistent names too), a broad specialism of some kind, one or two particular advantages and a few flaws or quirks. Think about their recruitment world, their progenitors, and their relationships with other Imperial institutions.

While you're doing that, keep in mind the setting's background and its tone and atmosphere, and write some brief descriptions (not a rambling narrative filled with random names) of some memorable battle or campaigns which demonstrate the theme and characteristics you've chosen.

So basically if they are Inqusitioral Lap dogs + a Black Templar theme. I will probably succeed. It is kinda all over the place. :/


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English Assassin wrote:Well, okay, to start with, I'd suggest refining your ideas (which are presently all over the place) to a single theme, supported by a list of a few defining characteristics. Pretty much every one of these should be directly relevant to that theme, not just tacked-on because it sounds cool.

Pick a single, specific cultural basis (this will help with consistent names too), a broad specialism of some kind, one or two particular advantages and a few flaws or quirks. Think about their recruitment world, their progenitors, and their relationships with other Imperial institutions.

While you're doing that, keep in mind the setting's background and its tone and atmosphere, and write some brief descriptions (not a rambling narrative filled with random names) of some memorable battle or campaigns which demonstrate the theme and characteristics you've chosen.

Umm one problem with the Chapters overall culture. Its three seperate chapters (in an essence, three grand templars, not all of them recurit from the same world, they aren't allowed to gather the entire chapter in one place type of thing would usually do that to a chapter). With Different Beliefs. In essence if you want a comparission they all may have the same icons, myths, name and follow the same codex, But it doesn't mean that they are one big same party. They are lead by three seperate and different cultural Grand Templars. I have said before that I've been mostly focusing on the 1st-10th. Which is the most Templar. The 11th-19th is more defensive minded, hence the guardians. The 20th-30th are all vanilla in the like that they act like soldiers and nothing else, hence why the 22nd company is so werid in that it is a stealth group but they are still soldiers. And the three special companies are more than just Storm Crusaders it is all 7 chapters that I have made send marines into it. As they are too far from civilization. Of course I should probably write that in.
See I have yet to write down everything from my notebook. The Storm Crusaders themselves have 3 separate cultures. And the three companies that i have just covered, the Alpha Squadron, the Firebirds, and the Guardians act like the following
Guardians = Grey Knights (Recruited from all able body pyskers but undergo the same thing as the Grey Knights do with their 666 rites. Its just these guys are so far away its impossible to communicate with each other ever since they are all by their lonesome, but barely anyone knows about them. I just like their name )
Alpha Squadron = Deathwatch (Recruited from the 7 chapters.)
Firebirds = a Mix of both. (Recruited from any chapter that wishes to never see their marines again)

The Two companies that are very cultural are the Siege Breaker Company and the Paladins are the crusaders. The other three companies are not part of the chapter. I am planning on retconning them out of the Crusaders and Putting them out to the Brotherhood of the Ghoul Stars or the Saviors of the Ghoul Stars. ( i can't decide on a name haha)

But it is 10:37 I have finals and I have school tomorrow. So This thread won't be updated until Thursday or Saturday. I am planning on adding that the other 6 chapters are key players. But they just provide aid and that the Inquisition just uses these organizations but they are identical to their counterparts just have different identities and have a different feel to them.

Remember these are the chapters that have not seen other big chapters for a very long time they are holding the line against alien races that most astrates would think are just myths.

im sorry but all im seeing so far in this chapter is a kid dreaming about an uber chapter which encompasses every thing he likes about space marines and throwing it into one chapter. im only up to page 6 so i hope this improves seriously your chaplain is nearly as good on his stat line as abbadon who is arguably the best IC in the game. Abbadon is like 11000 years old and has all the marks of chaos. and now theres a kaavayn shrike on the scene too. plus somewhere a primarch is attempting to wiggle his way into the chapter. but on the bright side with justification this could be kinda kwl so get writing fluff.

purplefood wrote:The whole thing is Mary Sue...

+1

Asherian Command wrote:Alrighty new lore!

Chapter Masters: Calnor Alrnia and Malnar Greston

Geneseed: Unknown (may be descended from the 11th legion)

Asherian stop making a chapter that's your wet dream and start making a logical chapter or 6.

Maybe there was the storm crusaders, they got split into 6 chapters 2 fell to chaos and attacked a third decimating its numbers. After that the renegades attack inquisitorial institutions and get the inquisition royally pissed off. Then the inquisition orders the remaining three and a bit chapters to band to get her under one banner with two commanders to share the burden of command.and that explains why the chapter is so big. It needs a bit of refining but I think it might be a more logical start.

Also don't even start with the whole descended from a legion which doesn't exist thingy. The 11th primarch was never found.
And the crap about all the archaeotech and super dooper gun needs to go cause its Mary susey. Super dooper guns need super dooper amounts of GOOD fluff to explain it. And good fluff takes time. A splash of master crafted armour here and there but make up your mind if this chapter is raven guard style blood angels style blood ravens style black Templars style or salamanders style. Nemesor out



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Plus I stick like a spanner- no a crow bar in the works. The bone kingdom of Drazak home of the flayed ones is in the ghoul stars as well as something so powerful if could destroy 10 space marine chapters. That's right 11 chapters went in 1 came out. people space late that theres like another maelstrom or eye of terror with more chaos gods in it.

Asherian Command wrote:Umm one problem with the Chapters overall culture. Its three seperate chapters (in an essence, three grand templars, not all of them recurit from the same world, they aren't allowed to gather the entire chapter in one place type of thing would usually do that to a chapter).

Why? What does this add, except for confusion? If you want to make three chapters, make them one at a time, and don't make them all BFFs descended from the same progenitors. Conflict and difference drive stories - read up on the Loyalist Badab War coalition in Imperial Armour IX and X for a good example of how this can work.

Asherian Command wrote:See I have yet to write down everything from my notebook.

The problems isn't that you haven't written enough - quite the reverse, it's that you have written far too much. Right now your home-made chapter are an exemplar of terrible writing; if you want to change that, you have to be willing to start taking things out and finding a distinct theme on which to focus.

Asherian Command wrote:But it is 10:37 I have finals and I have school tomorrow. So This thread won't be updated until Thursday or Saturday.

Good. Forget about Warhammer 40,000 for the rest of the week, and concentrate on your exams. Best of luck!

Nemesor wrote:im sorry but all im seeing so far in this chapter is a kid dreaming about an uber chapter which encompasses every thing he likes about space marines and throwing it into one chapter. im only up to page 6 so i hope this improves seriously your chaplain is nearly as good on his stat line as abbadon who is arguably the best IC in the game. Abbadon is like 11000 years old and has all the marks of chaos. and now theres a kaavayn shrike on the scene too. plus somewhere a primarch is attempting to wiggle his way into the chapter. but on the bright side with justification this could be kinda kwl so get writing fluff.

Who was that again? I remember I am trying to retcon everything out. And what chaplain? You Mean Calnor? You do realize he is quite fair in game we have tested him out. He actually got owned by Abaddon, but when facing a Titan he destroyed it only because he had a legjon relic.
I don't remember writing rules for a chaplain this thread start way back when i sucked at writing. I have made 1 chapter in practicular that is not really mary sue more like we kinda suck and we know it.

Good. Forget about Warhammer 40,000 for the rest of the week, and concentrate on your exams. Best of luck!

yeah, I did study like 3 weeks. So I am fine. Its just I recently took a class in creative writing loved it but failed for "Points were great, but a little too powerful." PLus I haven't written 40k fluff in like around 3 months.

If you want to make three chapters, make them one at a time, and don't make them all BFFs descended from the same progenitors. Conflict and difference drive stories - read up on the Loyalist Badab War coalition in Imperial Armour IX and X for a good example of how this can work.

Yeah, Problem is that the people at warhammer 40k fanon really don't like them at all XD. The Iron STone story was just bad piece of writing. I can agree that my writing is not that great at that time.

Plus I stick like a spanner- no a crow bar in the works. The bone kingdom of Drazak home of the flayed ones is in the ghoul stars as well as something so powerful if could destroy 10 space marine chapters. That's right 11 chapters went in 1 came out. people space late that theres like another maelstrom or eye of terror with more chaos gods in it.

My Wanderers chapter addressed that. Though I don't mention specifically what cause their almost destruction the only reason they survived was because they destroyed the planet with half their chapter still fighting.

Asherian stop making a chapter that's your wet dream and start making a logical chapter or 6.

That was a long time ago XD. Its not really new. New lore would be the current page. The Fleet, Recuritment and purpose. The 11th primarch thing was shot down, I talked about recently with some people that the Chapter shares many traits with a few legions but it is not known.

A splash of master crafted armour here and there but make up your mind if this chapter is raven guard style blood angels style blood ravens style black Templars style or salamanders style.

That I agree with. Anyway to make them their own self. Would make it better. Kinda like the Son's who are the less susey.

And the crap about all the archaeotech and super dooper gun needs to go cause its Mary susey. Super dooper guns need super dooper amounts of GOOD fluff to explain it.

Which one was it? I forgot its been a while since I actually read the lore.

Maybe there was the storm crusaders, they got split into 6 chapters 2 fell to chaos and attacked a third decimating its numbers. After that the renegades attack inquisitorial institutions and get the inquisition royally pissed off. Then the inquisition orders the remaining three and a bit chapters to band to get her under one banner with two commanders to share the burden of command.and that explains why the chapter is so big. It needs a bit of refining but I think it might be a more logical start.

That I really don't like.

BTW do you mean Calis? The Traitor? He is the one part of my lore I Have never been happy with. (Also did a game with him. Kinda bad)

Plus after a while I got rid of the notion of Asherian being a primarch. Yet again, I am planning on just making him the founder and make him sound like a great pysker hero but met his end pretty badly.

This chapter lore was originally suppose to explain why I had a shrike like guy in it, a Vulkan Hestan for my army list for a campagin. So its okay in the sense in that I know it is bad. Hence why no comments really didn't help my resolve to fix it XD

In a standard bearer article, Jervis expounded on the phrase 'murder your darlings' which basically means if you're really happy and proud with something you've created (he was referring to rules and game mechanics, but it applies equally to writing) it is almost certainly self-indulgent drivel which does nothing to drive the story, and should be deleted.

You need to murder a LOT of your darlings.

You have SO MUCH going on that it's nearly impossible to keep it all together and create a coherent picture of your chapter. You need to narrow it down, pick a few themes, and go with that.

Also, make them BAD at stuff. Being sucky and knowing it isn't really a flaw. After all, if you're aware of your problems they aren't really problems any more. Things like making them cruel, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, etc. Things that make us DISLIKE them, actually end up making us LIKE them.

I'd like to see a complete re-write.

Kaldor wrote:In a standard bearer article, Jervis expounded on the phrase 'murder your darlings' which basically means if you're really happy and proud with something you've created (he was referring to rules and game mechanics, but it applies equally to writing) it is almost certainly self-indulgent drivel which does nothing to drive the story, and should be deleted.

You need to murder a LOT of your darlings.

You have SO MUCH going on that it's nearly impossible to keep it all together and create a coherent picture of your chapter. You need to narrow it down, pick a few themes, and go with that.

Also, make them BAD at stuff. Being sucky and knowing it isn't really a flaw. After all, if you're aware of your problems they aren't really problems any more. Things like making them cruel, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, etc. Things that make us DISLIKE them, actually end up making us LIKE them.

I'd like to see a complete re-write.

I agree, The chapter needs a complete rework except for the things I like which I detail one thing I know I am not changing are the primary facts like, geneseed (unknown), ranks, Libarius (But cut backs), lots of astrates, big fleet, will keep characters but drop their feel to other characters, Homeworld, Admech relationship is still tight, still under oath to the inquisition, Company names in general kept, and the warcry is kept because it was a freaking fantastic idea.
Heres part 1 rewrite which i had typed up in like 20 minutes. Believe it or not I can type down all the information you guys told me to change so here is the plan.

Asherian Command's Journal Part 1 wrote:The Storm Crusaders Complete rewrite.
The Storm Crusaders an Ancient chapter founded sometime during or before the third founding. The Storm Crusaders are known widely for their campaigns and extreme power over the Ghoul Stars. They are part of the Brotherhood of the Ghoul Stars. An assortment of other Space Marine Chapters that guard the Ghoul Stars against the Creatures, empires, and traitors. The Ghoul stars withhold a large contigent of Imperial Worlds, but are spread far out. The Storm Crusaders originally finding the Codex Astrates ineffective to a highly intelligent Xenos empire. Dissolved the codex, and fought randomly, until Adopting the Codex Ignatus. The ancient texts were written by skilled tacticians and is kept on being edited if new tactics are developed so that future generations might fight against the enemies at hand.
The Storm Crusaders have strong ties to an Admech world and its Leader. Resulting in a deal between the Crusaders and the Admech priests both of which benefit from. The Crusaders were provided Power Armor, Terminator Armor, and means to support a much larger force. This did not go unnoticed by the Inquisition as they immediately investigated putting the Crusaders in a ‘house arrest’. The Storm Crusaders forged an Oath to the Inquisition to forever work for the Inquisition. The Crusaders could maintain only up to 3,500 Astrates before any part of that chapter would have to hold the entire ghoul stars. The Storm Crusaders must also have no larger than 1,000 Storm Crusaders in one area. Unless permitted.
For the past 9,000 years the Storm Crusaders have held the Beings of the Ghoul Stars at bay. For if they were to be defeated the entire Imperium would be overwhelmed quickly.
The Storm Crusaders then helped fashion the Alpha Squadron, a Deathwatch counterpart that mainly and only involves itself in the Ghoul Stars.


Retcons.
The 22nd Company is no longer a Replica of the Raven Guard
The Alpha Squadron are not apart of the Crusaders
The Firebirds are now an elite company in place of the Guardians. They are no longer a clean up force but shock troops. They will still have Jump Packs and Bolters but they will be more like the Legion of the Damned in that they arrive randomly.

The Guardians are Grey Knights but they are not apart of the Crusaders but they vowed to help the crusaders. But they are drawn from all the chapters of the brotherhood secretly.

Grand Guardians are Now Lords of the Chapter that is equalvent to a Chapter Councilor. Which they make decisions.
There are now Three Grand Templars, Calnor Alnria, , and Val Jerio.
Arch Templar is still Malnar Grestov, but he does not control an entire Space marine legion.
Asherian is not a Primarch.
Malnar and Altorick will remain for personnel reasons.
Altorick is still an old geezer.
Garane is still a venerable dreadnought.
There are now 12 Members of the Chapter High Council.
Loken, Nightbringer (Who is now just a bloody piece of work that likes doing drop pod assaults and striking fear into enemies instead of striking from the shadows.) Calick is still a ultramarine lover.
Malick is still Magistrate. The Libarius will remain intact in that it is reduced in size by 300%. The Five Libarius Orders are still existant and WILL NOT BE CHANGED. (as I wrote that recently and it is by far the better part of it)
The Paladins are now the 15th Company.
The firebirds are considered the 31st, The Siegebreakers are the (Which are all techmarines) 32nd and the 33rd-34th are the Libarian Orders, which is split into the 5 orders.
Apothecaries are now wearing camoed armor.
Stalker Bolters are now no longer apart of the crusaders. For HERSEY!
The crusaders will now focus more on Assualt Combat, Siege Breaking, and Lasting campaigns.
The Crusaders symbol is remaining the same. There is still a 21st company with 100 terminators.
Lore will be rewritten
What the hell is a Hellfire barge?
Stalker Bolter is only given to Alpha Squadron.
Yes Malnar was frozen in Stasis, his history will be changed Accordingly.
The Chapter Secrets were changed.
First Guardians are now apart of the Guardians Chapter. Which are now its own chapter. But are not exactly like grey knights they maintain the original image of the grey Knights.
Alpha Squadron is now the Deathwatch of the ghoul stars. Calnor still comes from this group though.
Calis is now more like the Badab Tyrant for the reason that he betrayed a chapter though I will not name until it is written.
Flaws are going to be added seeing as these guys were too good. Even in my eyes. They will be given a blood lust ability where they go into an abosolute rage and make themselves feel ignorant and more brutal than other chapters.
The chapter sometimes leaves entire worlds to die in the face of the necrons if all hope is lost.

asherian is srarting to get some where. i had a massive message typed up on my i touch then the safari rage quitted but wit this whole mutants in the basement stuff you could make gak sinister by adding some night lords / alpha legion hand into screwing wit the chapter. (as you can tell i collect chaos )

Anyway i have with me the codex necrons. this is a huge problem with the whole guardians of the ghoul stars thingy. heres an excerpt from the codex necrons:

The Bone Kingdom of Drazak
In the extreme northeast of the galaxy lie the ghoul stars.
Here, on worlds lit by the cold rays of dying suns, tread creatures out of primal nightmare: Cythor Fiends, Togoran Bloodreeks and other creatures so alien as to seen born out of the supernatural. Yet even here, one horror outpaces all others - The Bone Kingdom of Drazak.

Drazak is a haunt of flayed ones, those cursed Necrons blighted by a hunger for flesh. They stalk Drazak's desolate streets, fighting over gobbets of rotting meat and shards of bone, desperate to sate the clamor of their of their deluded senses. Only one of Drazak's entire population is proof from its pervading madness - vagûl, the fallen lord... (blah blah blah matt ward blah blah blah(vagûl is the only guy not driven nuts by the flayer virus))

Every few solar months vagûl when no ore meat remains - whether because it has been torn into fragments to tiny to scramble over or simply due to inexorable rot - vagûl announces a new time of bounty, and dispatches the fleets of drazak to raid nearby worlds. These reavers of Drazak seek not riches nor conventional plunder - only tithes f gore and cooling blood.

So there you have a problem that your chapter is right on the door step of several million or more hungry flayed ones. But if you work it right it could be incorporated into your training as it is very regular. for






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And whether you like that or not your chapter will have to deal with cause they cant kill all of them there's too many of them.

Nemesor wrote:asherian is srarting to get some where. i had a massive message typed up on my i touch then the safari rage quitted but wit this whole mutants in the basement stuff you could make gak sinister by adding some night lords / alpha legion hand into screwing wit the chapter. (as you can tell i collect chaos )

Anyway i have with me the codex necrons. this is a huge problem with the whole guardians of the ghoul stars thingy. heres an excerpt from the codex necrons:

The Bone Kingdom of Drazak
In the extreme northeast of the galaxy lie the ghoul stars.
Here, on worlds lit by the cold rays of dying suns, tread creatures out of primal nightmare: Cythor Fiends, Togoran Bloodreeks and other creatures so alien as to seen born out of the supernatural. Yet even here, one horror outpaces all others - The Bone Kingdom of Drazak.

Drazak is a haunt of flayed ones, those cursed Necrons blighted by a hunger for flesh. They stalk Drazak's desolate streets, fighting over gobbets of rotting meat and shards of bone, desperate to sate the clamor of their of their deluded senses. Only one of Drazak's entire population is proof from its pervading madness - vagûl, the fallen lord... (blah blah blah matt ward blah blah blah(vagûl is the only guy not driven nuts by the flayer virus))

Every few solar months vagûl when no ore meat remains - whether because it has been torn into fragments to tiny to scramble over or simply due to inexorable rot - vagûl announces a new time of bounty, and dispatches the fleets of drazak to raid nearby worlds. These reavers of Drazak seek not riches nor conventional plunder - only tithes f gore and cooling blood.

So there you have a problem that your chapter is right on the door step of several million or more hungry flayed ones. But if you work it right it could be incorporated into your training as it is very regular. for






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And whether you like that or not your chapter will have to deal with cause they cant kill all of them there's too many of them.

well that may be a problem. But I have covered it. The Wanderers and the Dusk Paladins deal with them with hundreds of thousands of regiments and a few fleets of the Drancorianian Navy. It will be quite difficult to talk about the Ghoul star stuff considering we are the extreme northeast.

Thank god there are 19,000 Astrates in total in that area... Which is still not alot. But considering my luck against necrons in actual campagins I will do fine.

Just losses. And the fact there are alot of pyskers which means the Necrons will hate facing the Guardians, and the Wanderers. (Another problem is that there was a tyranid hive fleet.)
I would actually like someone to help me write about the Drancorian Empire. As I suck at Imperial Guard and Imperial Navy stuff.

In all honesty I have planned on making the Firebirds more of an insane rebelious part of the chapter who were Astrates that did something that the chapter may have protested against and then the astrates are sent into the suicidal Firebirds. I mean Firebird entails they are doing something insane, and considering they are siegebreakers and experts at defense. It would be interesting.

Asherian Command wrote:

Kaldor wrote:In a standard bearer article, Jervis expounded on the phrase 'murder your darlings' which basically means if you're really happy and proud with something you've created (he was referring to rules and game mechanics, but it applies equally to writing) it is almost certainly self-indulgent drivel which does nothing to drive the story, and should be deleted.

You need to murder a LOT of your darlings.

You have SO MUCH going on that it's nearly impossible to keep it all together and create a coherent picture of your chapter. You need to narrow it down, pick a few themes, and go with that.

Also, make them BAD at stuff. Being sucky and knowing it isn't really a flaw. After all, if you're aware of your problems they aren't really problems any more. Things like making them cruel, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, etc. Things that make us DISLIKE them, actually end up making us LIKE them.

I'd like to see a complete re-write.

I agree, The chapter needs a complete rework except for the things I like which I detail one thing I know I am not changing are the primary facts like, geneseed (unknown), ranks, Libarius (But cut backs), lots of astrates, big fleet, will keep characters but drop their feel to other characters, Homeworld, Admech relationship is still tight, still under oath to the inquisition, Company names in general kept, and the warcry is kept because it was a freaking fantastic idea.
Heres part 1 rewrite which i had typed up in like 20 minutes. Believe it or not I can type down all the information you guys told me to change so here is the plan.

[/quote

uh some of them are the main darlings that need murdering are the ones that you aren't... war cry is cool though if their bound to the admech and the inquisition they are um... bound to get conflicting orders.

but i love the effort that you put into this chapter and all the fluff you write. The quality of the fluff has improved beyond sight and 3.5k of marines could actually b justified cause of what's in the ghoul stars + the 3 grand masters means the chances of total corruption is small.

Nemesor wrote:

Asherian Command wrote:

Kaldor wrote:In a standard bearer article, Jervis expounded on the phrase 'murder your darlings' which basically means if you're really happy and proud with something you've created (he was referring to rules and game mechanics, but it applies equally to writing) it is almost certainly self-indulgent drivel which does nothing to drive the story, and should be deleted.

You need to murder a LOT of your darlings.

You have SO MUCH going on that it's nearly impossible to keep it all together and create a coherent picture of your chapter. You need to narrow it down, pick a few themes, and go with that.

Also, make them BAD at stuff. Being sucky and knowing it isn't really a flaw. After all, if you're aware of your problems they aren't really problems any more. Things like making them cruel, arrogant, ignorant, selfish, etc. Things that make us DISLIKE them, actually end up making us LIKE them.

I'd like to see a complete re-write.

I agree, The chapter needs a complete rework except for the things I like which I detail one thing I know I am not changing are the primary facts like, geneseed (unknown), ranks, Libarius (But cut backs), lots of astrates, big fleet, will keep characters but drop their feel to other characters, Homeworld, Admech relationship is still tight, still under oath to the inquisition, Company names in general kept, and the warcry is kept because it was a freaking fantastic idea.
Heres part 1 rewrite which i had typed up in like 20 minutes. Believe it or not I can type down all the information you guys told me to change so here is the plan.

[/quote

uh some of them are the main darlings that need murdering are the ones that you aren't... war cry is cool though if their bound to the admech and the inquisition they are um... bound to get conflicting orders.

but i love the effort that you put into this chapter and all the fluff you write. The quality of the fluff has improved beyond sight and 3.5k of marines could actually b justified cause of what's in the ghoul stars + the 3 grand masters means the chances of total corruption is small.

Exactly.
Which parts of the fluff? Geneseed unknown part is kept. And ranks i might need to rewrite. 39 Strike cruisers sound like too much? well now its down to 32. Btw the newer Warcry is "Fear us! For the Storm has come for you!"
Freaking brilliant.
But anyway yes the amount of corruption is incredibely small. I plan on doing instead of the main chaos gods have a cult to Malice seeing it would fit for their hate of chaos. Exodites also live in the ghoul stars, so i have to address them, can't forget about the orks of course. Tau are too far and I will ignore them. Black Legion and Thousand sons have no place in the area. Iron Warriors might along with Alpha Legion.

But yeah the ADmech with the Inqusition thing I thought about. And it matters which ordo. And the Admech and the Crusaders are just allied along with the rest of the brotherhood.

Yeah I will look at the stuff when i have time on thursday today is exam day and i studied my heart out. ugh now to sleep.

mm you know for training your neophytes the waves of necron flayed ones could be useful. and you will need to recruit more that once every 3 years to keep up such large numbers with such a rigorous induction whatever you call them cause like heaps die being a space marine

and i had a slightly ramdon omg moment. ima buy some space marines sometime (which basically means i wont) and make a space marine band called the spice marines


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good luck with your exam all the best.









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Maybe lotsa battle barges like 9 of them but alot less strike cruisers to represent the mechanicus hand in things.
remember this is your chapter so do what you want with it. i understandwanting to make an uber chapter i like to pretend thatmy daemon prince is the 2nd primarch and is s9 t10 wit patronage of khrone and nurgle wit 2+ and 2++ 8 attacks (+ the 2d6 extra attacks from the bloodfeeder) and 2+ wounding poison weapons that were an amalgamation of a blood feeder and plaugebringer daemon weapon. iactually tricked one of the guy at the club into letting me play that cause he was in a hurry and couldnt b bothered looking so he just said yes. he wanted a quick game and thats what he got. space marines nek minnit

iv got an idea of an enormous ork warboss holding a leman russ gun turret as a club and a vindicator dozer blade as a sheild. that way he would have a raged weapon and a cc weapon all in 1. it would look pretty cool in a dynamic position wit tha sheild dropped and the club raised into the air as if he is about to slam into a group of guardsmen


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i dnt know y i posted that last bit on this forum. if i was ood wit gs and rich as id make that.

Sadly you can only have a max of three battle barges. But Strike Cruisers you can have alot of.

how'd your exam go?

only 3? thats 3 per 1000 spez mehrens and you hav what 3.5k of them? you could have 10.5 battle barges