Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

I have finally decided on my chapter and they are the Iron Hulks, they are the massive armored hulks of the space marine chapters, giants even by the standards of the Astartes. Clad in the thickest armor and equipped with the most powerful weapons, the Iron Hulks are truly a fearsome sight to behold; bedecked in the green and grey of their power armor they hunt the Xenos scum, the heretic, and the warp-spawn wherever it is found. Iron Hulks is the ongoing story of an ancient chapter of space marines who draw their lineage from the progenitor of the ultramarines himself, each a survivor extraordinaire, the last of their kind from millions of worlds throughout the Imperium. Whether they are the last survivors of their planets, the final descendents of powerful Imperial figures, or the only survivor of epic battles each has proven his worth by being the sole survivor. Their ability to survive in the harshest of environments allows them to inhabit a Chapter planet unique among all the cosmos for a space marine chapter, a world covered in toxic, radioactive isotopes, constantly bombarded by unheard of levels of radiation from their nearby sun. It is a scorched desert of the harshest kind, deadly to all above ground. A few moments if left unexposed to the harsh light of the binary star overhead is death. Living far underground the Astartes of the Iron Hulks need very little in the way of planetary defense, the planet is the defense for them. Even the resistances’ of the tyranid swarm has proven moot to the combined debilitation of the Chapters chosen home of Gamma-Alpharis, the Orks as tough as they are have fallen within moments as well. Iron Hulk Master of the Chapter Termaneus Banner lord of Gamma-Alpharis, known as “the Little Death” is the heart and sole of the chapter. With a wicked wit and a temper to startle an ork, he is the largest of all the Iron Hulks, as to stand next to him makes even a fellow Astarte’s seem like a pre-adolescent juve in stature. Since the battle of Sevren-VII on the war torn world of Direseve he has been the sole survivor of his planet, taking an Oath to defend the Imperium with his battle brothers chosen from those who have nothing to loose, the last of their people, The Iron Hulks were born.



The First of The Iron Hulks is born.

"He was born in battle, forged by war, and Tempered by faith in the Emperor, He is the defender of the “lost”, the ultimate survivor, he is The Iron Hulk". We of course speak of Chapter Master Termaneus Banner master of the Iron Hulks chapter of space marines. His history is well documented by the Administratum, born during the final moments of the fall of Direseve, were the Imperium of man lost yet another planet to the ravages of the chaos spawn. He is the last known survivor, picked up by a noble Astartes on his way to abandon the doomed world. Chapter Master Banner was raised in an Imperium orphanage, one of many billions of children left to fend for them while the Imperium marched on. However Master Banner was not content to be left abandoned, he was an outstanding student at the schoola on Lothrim-Prime and was an excellent warrior of boundless intellect and astounding prowess with any weapon that he laid hand on. When the Ultramarines were scouring the system for recruits he was a natural for the Chapter to consider. After a remarkably short period of time with the Ultra marines he was inducted as a full battle brother who rocketed thru the ranks diving into battle after battle the hulking marine distinguished himself thousands of times over. Battle after battle passed and he grew in both renown and in stature, he was once a giant among men but before long he was a giant even among his battle brothers. His actions have of corpse been written of thousands of times, but his journey from a brother of the ultra marines to the founder of the Iron Hulks during the fifth founding is unique, and it is here that his story of triumph and inscrutable tragedy truly begins. A time of chaos and destruction comes down upon him, and his famous oath takes place on bent knee in front of the Golden Throne of the Emperor himself. This is the tale of the Iron Hulks, this is the tale of a single man who grew from an orphan on the outskirts of the Imperium into the larger than life being that is Chapter Master Termaneus Banner and his battle brothers.

Belching bolter fire echoed thru the Imperial guard house as Captain Maulgherst and his battle brothers advanced upon the enemy. Ravening hoards of ork and Gretchen warriors came pouring out of every crevice and crack he could see. A steady stream of precision fire from his veteran squad cut them down by the score, and still they poured like hungry ants over their own dead and wounded wielding their crude pistols and massive cleaver like weapons. Captain Maulgherst taped his com-bead ordering his second in command Sgt. Devlan to break from the fighting and find a way past the hoard in front of them. Before any can react, salvation comes from a crossing corridor in the once magnificent fortification, in the form of a behemoth war machine, towering over the largest of his battle brothers the dreadnought opens a withering hail of fire from its massive auto cannon and storm bolter tearing the remaining Orks in their path into a pink and green mist. With a lull in the firing Captain Maulgherst orders his squad to form up as the massive form of the dreadnought falls in with Maulghersts’ squad. My thanks to you venerable brother, perhaps we have a chance to get off of this Emperor forsaken planet after all, Maulgherst said to the towering giant in front of him, offering a formal nod of the head which the ancient suit seemed to mimic with an almost imperceptible shift. Maulgherst then ordered his squad ahead towards the final evac point, for even with the help of the mighty Ultramarines, the Orks were just to many in number to halt before a full contingent of the Space Marines could arrive and provide the power necessary to save what was left of the aggri-world of Direseve from the massive force of the ork invasion. As Maulgherst finally sighted the blessed bastion of Direseves’ last space port, were the last of his battle brothers held firm against the seemingly endless wave of green skinned monsters, he became aware of a wild keening coming from the burnt out husk of what most certainly used to be a civilian dwelling. Maulgherst recognized the sound immediately as that of a wailing child; he hesitated not in the least as he approached the ruins of the entry way of the home, while all the while the wailing became louder and more insistent. Lying in the ruins was a full squad of his brothers butchered to the last man, their bodies’ torn limb from limb, surrounded by ten times their number in the corpses of the retched green skins. In the center of the room, his Battle brother LT. Huron sat slumped with his bolt pistol in his left hand, and cradled in his right below were his head used to be lay a babe, bathed in the blood of his brethren and orks alike. Maulgherst did not hesitate for a moment, as his preternatural intellect and decades of battle savvy told him that the noise is what most likely drew the green skins in the first place, he snatched the babe from his dead brothers arms and cradled it against his addamentium and ceramite covered chest. As if he had possessed the gift of precognition, the orks who had caught the whelps mewling burst from the street coming from the east directly towards the squad of space marines and their dreadnought brother, pistol shots peppering the building and their power armor to little effect except annoyance. This dreadnought with no fear of the enemy and contemptuous of their weaponry stepped into the fray, using its massive close combat arm, the massive hulk crushes orks three at a time, while blasting into them with its auto cannon. The squad of marines led by their valiant captain don’t even have to aim each burst of their bolters taking down orks by the score but numbers are ever on the orks side and they quickly overwhelm the marines who cast aside their bolters pulling their chain swords free the two groups slam into each other in a swirling melee of death and gore. The green skin hoard being led buy a massive creature towering even over the hulking forms of the space marines, a ‘Nob foaming at the moth suddenly erupts from the swirling chaos around captain Maulgherst wielding a massive axe with notches, atop the monsters head on a pole braced on his back helmets, still dripping gore from their eyes and neck, of Captain Maulghersts Battle brothers were held aloft. Still clutching the now silent babe to his chest Maulgherst parried an overhead chop from the brute that he could feel thru his armor all the way to his bones, as sparks flew from the chain swords meeting of the axe head. He then had to duck a vicious thrust from the brute giving up more ground while fighting one handed. The brute seeing the apparent weakness of the single handed warrior doubled his ferocity, his crew of green skins seeming to pick up on his apparent superiority unleashed from deep in their brutish lungs a great and terrible WAAAAGGGH!!! Seeming to double their efforts the first of Maulghersts brothers fell to the mighty swing of a cleaver caving his helmet and skull all the way to his chest spewing a fount of blood all upon the green skin mob who fall upon the marines as if this is a refreshing rain. Seeing their brother fall gives the marines a renewed purpose, Though wary and exhausted from days of nonstop battle the marines rally crushing the first wave of orks, Maulgherst however locked in mortal combat with a child pressed to his bosom, against one of the most brutal members of the bloodthirsty race of orks falls to his knees under the massive press from the Nobz backhand swipe. Finally the captains battle acumen allows him to spot an opening while dodging and weaving he steps inside of the massive orks downward strike and slams his addamentium tipped chain sword thru the groin of the massive ork, showering he and the babe in a massive gout of blood and bits of flesh. Somehow the Nob stagers back with a gapping wound were its legs connect, pouring blood onto the charred ground and bits of masonry, having its massive axe over its head towards the kneeling captain whose’ strength has drained from even his preternatural arms unable to lift his chain sword much less stop the massive axe from cleaving him in two, when the huge ork bursts like a meat filled balloon pouring gore over the battle brothers and soaking their bright blue power armor to a slick sheen of red with bits of green. The massive war machine stands inert not more than ten meters from the spot smoke billowing from its auto cannon weapon arm. Captain Maulgherst making the sign of the Aquila not for the first time this day, and thanks the Emperor that he has battle brothers like Dreadnought Creel at his side. The next wave of orks with out the reinforcing presence of their giant brethren quickly fall to the fire power of Maulghersts 4th squad of 5th company. Finally able to head north towards the space port still cradling a newborn babe in his left hand bracing his bolter in his right having recovered the gene seed of his brothers he marches on.
Upon the final transport back to the great warship the Na’bliss still clutching the bloody child to his chest Maulgherst decide the boy who was likely the last survivor of his entire world should be well taken care of, and decided that after he reached the safety of the Na’bliss, he would find the nearest member of the Administratum and let him take care of the child, he had done his part, he had saved at least one small vestige of hope from the shattered planet of Direseve, the last survivor of an entire Imperial planet, the boy who would one day (though unknowingly) lead the very same captain into battle and save his life a dozen times over the master of the Iron Hulks was whisked from his dying world. Seeing the massive plumes of the orbital exterminatus while being cradled in the hands of a giant garbed in armor harder then steel, thus was ”the Little Death” born into the Imperium, hail the Emperor my he live forever.

Alright man, I have a few things to say. First: PARAGRAPHS. Second is a writing cliche called "Mary-Sue." While your vocabulary is good, your sentences are incredably over-wrought and often wrong grammatically. However, what really brings your work down is the fact that the entire chapter is made of Mary-Sues. Even their planet is a Mary-Sue.

A Chapter made entirely of that "last man standing" rule couldn't be founded. Read this and you'll understand that Space Marines need to be taken at a young age otherwise they are unlikely to survive the process. Warp travel is not miraculously fast, and it would takes years to travel from across the galaxy. You'll miss out on your window of opportunity for young men, and anyone older is already at risk. Your chapter will take more casualties from the induction process than from fighting, if they even get numbers enough to fight.

There is also no reason for the Iron Hulks to be larger than other Astartes, or for their weapons to be more powerful than other Astartes. That is what you lack; that is the point of a background: reasons for why they are who they are and reasons for what they do. Nothing in your story makes sense, as part of the fluff or otherwise. You could make them make sense by accepting that they can have flaws. Their increased height can be attributed to a gene-seed mutation. To make it even more interesting, you could have it cost them something seemingly arbitrary but then weave into your story how necessary it is (the Lyman's Ear for example). This will show you pay attention to detail and give your chapter some real character.

As a closing note, write everything in past tense and third person. Just do it.

well thank you for your candor darkhound, ill definetly take your advice into consideration, especially the mary-sue thing. I've always had a problem with makeing my stories and even my sentances run for far to long and grammatical sentax and the nature of sentance structure are not my strong points. The hulks are purposly createdlarger than other astartes in my fluff. they are mutated gene seed caused buy the mix of solar radiation and exposure to certain isotopes from their chapter planet. it does have a side efect, they suffer almost every day pain from their mutation, causing excess stress on the tendons and ligements. (i had to make that into too sentances, see learning already). I just started writing this on a whim and haven't written anything in years. i really appreciate the criticism. The last of their kind thing is actualy not the last of a dying planet, but perhaps the last of a bloodline, the final member of another military orginiztions unit squad or other sundry details to be worked out for each character, the main point is'nt that they are the last of a race but the sole survivor of a horible situation. Like their leader you need to be "born in fire". There are millions of inhabited planets with hundreds of millions of people, im sure a thousand men could be found to have survived great tragedy thru war in the 40k universe that can survive becoming an space marine. i hope that helps a little bit and yeah i forgot to break it all down into paragraph form, thats what i get for doing this at 4 in the morning on new years eve.

If you wanted to really fit that into your fluff, you could say that those "born in fire" are given special privilege. Or the chapter could call on them to name something they are the last of. It could be a right of passage at the end of their induction: they could ritualistically inscribe what they are the last of on a chapter relic like a big rock. It could symbolize that they were leaving that being "last" when they join the brotherhood of the Chapter. Actually, if you restricted it to the being the last of a bloodline, that could make for a very symbolic and realistic ceremony. Also, to aid the collection of those individuals you could move the Iron Hulks to being a Crusade Fleet.

One thing you could do to help your sentence structure is to write in Microsoft Word and weed out all the mistakes you are making.

more equally awsome ideas, i will definetly be stealing the one with them leaving being the last. Each of their deads is written starting with why they are the last and the survivor.I wish i had microsoft word but im stuck working with works' right now. I hope you continue to read and critique what im writing i enjoy your insight. I've always been a good story teller, but have a hard time putting it down on paper. Thank you, its nice to have someone who seems to know what they are talking about reading my stuff.

Something else you might find helpful is that if you want to establish the Chapter you need to understand your audiance may know all about the 40k universe, but they don't know anything about your Chapter. The easiest way to introduce them is to make the main character also not know everything about the Chapter. Use an Initiate as your main character. It'll take longer to get into the action, but you can explain the Chapter better that way.

For example, my series "The Child" is more about the establishment of the Chapter than of my character Nikolii. I wrote it for myself, to solidify the ideas I had about the Chapter, but it didn't really matter as far as Nikolii's story was concerned so I didn't show the rest of it on my thread.

So, now you are at an fork in the road. Continue the story with Little Death as the main character, which will eventually lead to the Chapter's founding, or start with an Initiate and explain the Chapter right off the bat, but get to the action later.

Aha! yea gads! and zounds! man that was exactly what i was going to do, this was just an introduction to the birth of the Chapter Master. Everything else will be from the point of view from some of the curent day chapter members. This was mostly just to set up Little Deaths humble beginings. My story will be centered on the more traditional marines in the chapter in current years of 40k. Another problem i seem to have is my overall lack of knowledge of the 40k universe. I just got into it about a month or so ago, i've only read 5 or six bl books and some older codexes. but i'm trying, and i'm willing to recognize and improve upon my flaws.

One website and about a month will cure you of your ignorance.

wh40k.lexicanum.com

Memorize that, look at it whenever you are bored. Punch in any little reference that catches your interest and you will be made to understand. I spent literally an hour every day for a school year on that site (I passed the class, don't worry) and I have a considerable knowledge of 40k thanks to it.