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Gitsplitta wrote:Mantis Warriors *and* grots?! I think I'm in heaven!

Gave your blog a promo on mine... hope it directs some traffic to you... your writing is certainly deserving of all the attention you can get.

Thanks Git, I always appreciate your promo's. If you ever get a chance I still like to hear about your suggestions from one of my previous posts on the previous page.

Battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Awesome update Ice.

Thanks Lucifer.

btw Lucifer......... it's coming........

I'm looking forward to it, not 'it' per say, but how you are gonna have it happen

Ice...

I think this passage got me the most excited with anticipation on what is about to happen next compared to all the other parts you've written. very well done and I am completely drawn in... what will happen next?

Will the marines get zerged by Orks?
Will the Orks play off the clattering sound as nothing?
Will the marines come up with some outlandish way to get around it? Such as Philo popping up with holograph of the large Ork and using a voice changer to mess with them?

Only one person knows and I want it to be me....

If any of you are reading my fiction blog for the first time please tell me what you think. Let me know if Git sent you too!

This is a never ending work in progress and I really do improve much faster when I get feedback. So please, tell me what you like and tell me what you don't like. If your complaint happens to be grammar related please give me a full explanation in moronic terms so that I may understand it.

Thanks!

Knightley wrote:Ice...

I think this passage got me the most excited with anticipation on what is about to happen next compared to all the other parts you've written. very well done and I am completely drawn in... what will happen next?

Will the marines get zerged by Orks?
Will the Orks play off the clattering sound as nothing?
Will the marines come up with some outlandish way to get around it? Such as Philo popping up with holograph of the large Ork and using a voice changer to mess with them?

Only one person knows and I want it to be me....

Knightley you just made my day!

Only one person knows and its me, mwahahahaha. I have a feeling you may find out sooner then later. Stay tuned!

Ice, you ask several questions on the previous (previous) page... can you point to the one you'd specifically like my feedback on?


In general, as you have gone on I think your narrative is getting better and better and sounding more like a professional writer. While there is still action, it's not the knock-down drag-out action of your earlier work... there is much more suspense and a cerebral aspect to it. All for the good in my opinion. Be careful not to get caught up in needless gore. A hidden squad of marines with grots hiding cluelessly among them would probably not risk drawing their combat knives to dispatch them when a simple pop to the head with a power armored fist would certainly shatter their spine and render them instantly unconscious/unable to sound the alarm/dead. Not as graphic as a knife in the skull... but probably more militarily sound (and again emphasizing the power of even a normal marine in armor). I like the focus on the perspective of a single character not just because he's Inushi but because it allows me to be there as part of the squad... otherwise I'm just an observer on the outside looking in. No where near as fun. I could imagine as I was reading, myself as Inushi in a courch with all these little grots in and amongst my still form, totally oblivious to their circumstance due to their fear of the squighound. I'd never get that without a 1st-person link into the story.

Gitsplitta wrote:Ice, you ask several questions on the previous (previous) page... can you point to the one you'd specifically like my feedback on?

Git I was more referring to your specific response when you said you'd send me a PM with some feedback on October 7th.

Good point in regards to the grot situation. In my head Inushi had already drawn out his combat blade otherwise he would have simply used his fist, like Pyrox was doing.

By the way, I want an ugly dog so I can name him Squiggles.

Right... damn, forgot all about that. I'll get on it... need something to break up the mindless hours of data entry ahead.

We'll make him the team mascot.

Reven swiftly dragged the ork body across the room and threw a bed roll over top of it. He then returned to his position. His timing was perfect. The same instant he ceased moving a trio of orks came into view. They were in the shadows of the hallway but none of them were approaching the entrance to the darkened room.

The largest of the three looked into the darkness, almost as if he could make out the outline of the banner. The greenskin wore a torn vest with what appeared to be a woman’s undergarment tied around his head. A lone wide blade hung from his thick black belt. He gulped in air as if his nose didn’t function.

“Lobnots? Com out ere.” He shouted in between gulps of air. The other two boys bobbed their heads as if it would summon the missing ork.

At the lack of response the larger ork puffed his chest and looked at his two fellow green skins that flanked him.

“Yous two, go find him.” He pointed into the room.

The two boys looked from the darkness, to each other, to the larger ork, and then back to each other. “Uh, boss. I’s don’t sees him.” The right ork said. The other ork grinned and bobbed his head some more. The larger ork whipped his head, gulped in some more air and then snarled at the boy that had spoken. The larger ork slowly unhooked his choppa.

The boy stepped back, “Maybes we could find em with a light doe”

“Yeah, Lobnots asks for da light. Maybes he waitin fur one.” The other ork piped in while continuing to bob his head.

The larger ork chewed his next deep breathe and then lowered his choppa. He looked between the two boys and then shook his head. “Which a yous has da lights?”

The boy on the right wore a pair of yellow trousers with dozens of patches. He immediately began to scan his pockets and patches while the other boy with a sleeveless trench coat and short shorts watched with intensity.

“Hey, whats you doin!?” a shout from down the hall echoed.

“None of yous biddness, you BLOK’EAD!” the large one shouted.

“What was dat?” the voice down the hall retorted.

From Inushi’s position he couldn’t see what was approaching but could only hear the steps of heavy boots. The shouting began to intensify when an equally large ork stepped into view and got into the other orks face. They shouted and pushed each other. Other orks and grots began to wander towards the scene like carrion feeders to a battle.

Soon punches were being thrown and teeth were being knocked out. The other orks cheered and shouted. Inushi watched, unblinking, waiting. The two orks were on the floor, the moment one would get the upper hand the other would poke an eye or bite an arm and the rolling would continue.

The loud sounds of cheering seemed to resonant through the walls and soon Inushi couldn’t see past the rows of greenskins cheering on the edges of the darkness. As the fight dragged on Inushi looked towards the other marines, trying to get an idea of what they were thinking. Pyrox was still hidden beneath the banners, Hunzuu had his hand flamer at the ready, and Reven still held his knife. With little regard to stealth Reven switched hands with the knife and grabbed a grenade off his belt.

Inushi moved to do the same when a loud shout seemingly abolished all other sounds.

“GET OUT OF MY WAY!” dozens of orks shrunk down at the loud shout. The two greenskins on the floor got off of one another and quickly jumped to their feet. Once again Inushi couldn’t see what was approaching but it had a mechanical whirr to it.

The seconds dragged by as the slow methodical steps got closer. Inushi was leaning forward as far as he dare; trying to see what was nearing the arch way to their room. Orks were shuffling out of its way, whatever it was.

Finally a massive suit of metal and wires stepped into view. It was wider then a terminator and covered in strange contraptions. The face of a dark green ork looked down from the center of the mechanical suit. A bright green grot sat on its shoulder sneering down at the orks as if it were boss.

“Which A yous” the wired ork paused as if lost in thought “did it?”

Inushi watched every ork look around at everything in sight other then the walking mechanical ork. Finally the large ork from the prior fight puffed his chest, gulped some air, and stepped forward.

The ork contraption leered down at him. The ork open his mouth to speak but instead pointed to the dark room that the marines hid in. Suddenly Inushi was facing a score of greenskins.

With a grunt that sounded like a leman russ engine back firing the ork took a labored step to square up with the arch way. The other orks crowded around and peered in with anticipation.

“Is one O my boys in dere?” the small beady red eyes of the ork scanned the darkness. The bright green grot leaned forward and continued to sneer, this time at the darkness. Another grunt from the behemoth and his left arm folded in a very jerky motion. The closest orks jumped aside as the arm reached up and behind the walking suit. Hydraulics hissed as the arm returned to its previous position, this time holding a cylinder with dangling wires and a tiny seat on the top.

The entire armored suit shook slightly as the jerky movements of the arm placed the cylinder on the floor. The nearest orks were staring open mouthed at the cylinder. Several rubbed their hands with excitement.

“Gub.” The ork hiccupped.

At the sound the bright green grot climbed down the armored suit and jumped onto the cylinder. With a quick jerk a little pole popped out of the top of the cylinder in front of the seat. Two small petals bobbed on its side. The grot stuck out its tongue as it began to petal the contraption with all its might. After a dozen revolutions of the petals, the cylinder began to hum. The grot took on a crazed look as the center section of the cylinder started to flicker with a dim light. As the grot picked up speed the light grew brighter. The strobe light it created bathed the room and the marines when Inushi saw the red form of Reven step out and toss his primed grenade.

Time slowed down as Inushi’s singular focus traced the grenade through the air. The strobe light seemed to highlight the mat silver finish of the small device.

Ting……..

Ting…..

The grenade bounced twice towards the throbbing light. Inushi could fully visualize the fragmentation grenade running through its priming cycle and preparing to explode.

Inushi closed his eyes for a brief second when a thump preempted a surprisingly muffled explosion. When he opened his eyes the ork behemoth held the eviscerated corpse of another ork over the grenade blast. The ork smiled as the strobe light illuminated Reven’s red armor and yellow helm.

“Humies” was all ork said as the hall way erupted into cheering and chaos.

And now we get more info on what is going down in Orktown

The writing does allow some interpretation on what the position of the mech Ork is for what we know it could just be a Mek or it could be a Warboss although I would find it odd that a warboss would be interested in his boys having a fight (seeing as all Orks live for fighting)

Was a really did like was when I imagined the scene I actually got to see the slow motion of the grenade as it sauntered through the air and a cut away to Inushi focusing on it. Very cool imagery.

Can't wait to read more

Definitely not a warboss. I was thinking more of a mek with random gadgets and tools and a grot powered strobe light.

I'm glad you liked knightley. I too liked the grenade scene, it seemed very fitting. I always imagined space marines having that level of focus and insight. I may include similar scenes to that in the future.

Love to see the detailed orky narrative Ice... very well done! Boy, they're in the s**t now aren't they?

As to the big ork, I was thinking either a Big Mek or or a Mega-nob. Just seemed to be too much mechanical augmentation and authority to be just a boy.

Great installment in any case Ice... looking forward to the ensuing mayhem. Guess I should've built Inushi with a flamer, eh?

Gitsplitta wrote:Love to see the detailed orky narrative Ice... very well done! Boy, they're in the s**t now aren't they?

As to the big ork, I was thinking either a Big Mek or or a Mega-nob. Just seemed to be too much mechanical augmentation and authority to be just a boy.

Great installment in any case Ice... looking forward to the ensuing mayhem. Guess I should've built Inushi with a flamer, eh?

Thanks Git! I think Inushi with a plasma pistol works great. Plus had he carried a flamer he wouldn't have been out in space fighting the kans and walkers with Aquilum. I never really researched 40k plasma weapons as I probably should have. Would they still work in space?

I do have to say, that plasma weapons are by far my favorite special or heavy weapon. The randomness of their functionality is fantastic. I can field three, five man devastators squads full of plasma cannons. My space wolf buddy that doesn't have any vehicles or drop pods usually throws a fit when I do though, lol.

My guys kill themselves all the time with them... so I almost never field them. But... they look cool, and would play hell with a deathwing army.

i loved the mek suit thing, but near the end you use the word "device" way too much, i would try to find other more descriptive words that still alow for their to be some mystery to what the creature is.
good stuff!

Sageheart wrote:i loved the mek suit thing, but near the end you use the word "device" way too much, i would try to find other more descriptive words that still alow for their to be some mystery to what the creature is.
good stuff!

good call sage. I will go back and do a little tweaking. Thanks for the heads up.

Hows that?

An avalanche of sound rippled through the air as scores of orks were drawing blades, clubs, and pistols, shaking with excitement, or screaming with bloodlust. Several were already stepping into the room unable to control the sudden urge to fight. The massive ork in the center of the entrance continued to smile. Gub the grot cackled manically as he pedaled the strobe light at a furious pace.

As the horde approached Reven drew his chainsword and brought it to his head in a quick salute to his oncoming victims. Hunzuu and Shar-drasha stepped out of cover ready to unleash flames. Inushi reached for his plasma pistol with his right and tossed a frag with his left into the hall.

The blast of flames scorched the first dozen orks. Inushi was unable to see what damage the grenade caused if any. The orks didn’t seem to care but continued to shout and shove their way into the room over the still burning corpses of their fallen. In their frenzy they ignored the dual banners standing in the center of the room and the orks went either right for Reven and Hunzuu or left for Shar-drasha.

With a side ways roll Inushi came out cover directly in front of Shar-drasha. Inushi fired off two rounds of plasma before Shar-drasha unleashed another jet of promethium. The twitching orks flailed about before falling, further lighting up the room with their melting bodies.

In Inushi’s peripheral vision he saw the wave of greenskins meet Reven and Hunzuu. Inushi drew his katana and powered up the curved blade. Two more blasts of plasma tore through several unarmored greenskins right before Shar-drasha unleashed yet another blast.

Mere seconds into the engagement and the floor was carpeted with liquefying bodies in front of Inushi, some of which were still dealing with their own demise. Bed rolls and ork waste all along the floor was also ablaze. Inushi glanced over to witness the dance of Reven and the punishing grace of Hunzuu before another wave of orks rushed towards in. The mechanical ork entered the room behind them wielding a sleek contraption that glowed with a violet hue. Its non-ork design instantly hit a disturbing chord in Inushi’s thoughts.

The flashes of the strobe light seemed to slow as Inushi stood. He envisioned the nearest orks move before bringing up his katana to deflect the first oncoming over head blow from a choppa. Inushi side stepped and batted away a green fist before slicing his katana across the chest of the ork. The blade bit deep spraying an arch of blood into the air. The ork stumbled and was pulled back by another frenzied ork that leapt at Inushi. The greenskin attacked with a metal pipe that crashed down into Inushi’s shoulder. The blow would have removed a normal humans arm but Inushi merely noticed a strong tingling sensation. With both hands the ork swung left to right. Inushi ducked under the blow and spun around leading with his katana, dividing the ork into two pieces.

Before the top half of the orks body had hit the ground, Inushi was thrown off balance by an ork round that ricocheted off his other shoulder. A round bounced off his thigh, while another two skimmed off his helm and back pack. Inushi was attemping to bring up his plasma when Shar-drasha stepped up and let loose another torrent of promethium.

The gun wielding ork went down along with several others. As the flames died down Inushi and Shar-drasha stood before the mechanical ork wielding the long sleek device. Not waiting to witness the weapons power Inushi dove towards the wall. A silent beam of energy passed over the space he had vacated.

With haste, Inushi got back up and scrambled towards the ork to stop it from firing again. Two steps and he leapt into the air bringing his katana back for a forward thrust. The mechanical suit the ork was wired into rocked as the green marine landed on the orks chest. With lightning speed he thrust forward his blade and then gasped as it was deflected by an unseen force.

Inushi hesitated at the surprising tech built into the suit. The millisecond it took Inushi to regain his focus was all the ork needed to grab a hold of him and smash him into the floor like a toy.

Air evacuated his body at the impact and Inushi didn’t need to look to know his backpack was badly damaged. On instinct alone Inushi did a side roll to avoid a boot the size of his chest when a heavy cloth shrouded his vision. Several loud clangs followed by an abnormally loud scream of agony. When Inushi crawled out from under the banner he saw Aquilum tearing off electronics and crushing the shoulders of the mechanical ork with his powerfist. Pyrox was unleashing a stream of super heated bolts from his plasma gun keeping the orks at bay in the hall way. Inushi couldn’t see the mek boys screaming face as the pole of one of the Aquilum’s banners was embedded into the back of the ork and heavy cloth dangled in front of its face.

Another burst of fire from Hunzuu pushed the orks back further into the hall as he stepped towards the arch way. Pyrox and Reven stepped up as well. Aquilum continued his removal of equipment from the ork as Inushi observed that the ork, which was still screaming, had ceased moving.

“Aquilum! I think it’s been disabled!” Inushi yelled at the yellow and pink marine.

Aquilum paused and stepped around the mek boy. The banner still dangled over the face of the ork. Screams of pain and anger continued as Aquilum slid aside the banner just long enough to see the furious visage of the now disabled ork. At the sight of the marine, the ork burst into a string of curses that even Aquilum stepped back from.

“Well then.” Aquilum recoiled, surprised by the extensive vulgar vocabulary of the ork and let the banner cover up the orks face once more.

DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA

Loud and sustained fire came from the hall way as Pyrox jumped back into the room.

“More incoming and these are actually equipped.” Reven quickly spoke.

“Inushi get Shar-drasha’s flamer, now!” Hunzuu demanded as he reloaded his smaller hand flamer.

Something about the command bothered Inushi as he spun around to see the crumpled form of Shar-drasha. Inushi walked over to the fallen angel and paused for a moment. Nearly a third of the marine’s body had vanished and the rest appeared to have been fried. Smoke casually wafted off the body. The sight upset him. Not because the marine had fallen but because he hadn’t noticed until now.

Inushi took one last look, stepped over the body, and retrieved the flamer. Gun fire from the hallway erupted once again as he saw the form of Aquilum looking at the corpse. Their gazes met, then as one they brought up their weapons and approached the arch way.

Above it all the form of Philosir watched, the first of many plugs began to detach from the device and return to the tech marine’s chest.

Love it Ice.
However, constructive criticism powers, ACTIVATE!

IceAngel wrote:The mechanical ork entered the room behind them wielding a sleek contraption that glowed with a violet hue

IceAngel wrote:When the flames died down Inushi and Shar-drasha stood before the mechanical ork that wielded the long sleek device. It appeared to ooze a purple light.

I feel like it sounds a bit redundant with the glowing/oozing light twice, maybe you could change the second one to say like "sleek, glowing device" or something

I saw something minor on my first read through but lost it, I'll let you know if i see it again.

Awesome work

BBL! How are you doing?

Suggestion taken and story updated. Please let me know if you see anything else.

SIDE NOTE: Now that we're approaching 20 pages of dakka blog and over 200 pages in word, do you think I should post a summary of what has happened up until now so that new readers can know whats going on without having to sit down and read EVERYTHING before hand? Possibly a chapter summary? Please, tell me what you think.

Good, you?

Story looks good, the update helped

I think you should put a summary on the first post, as well as copy everything over to an article so people can read it all in one convenient page

Very nice work Ice. Comments sent by e-mail.

Gits

Battle Brother Lucifer wrote:Good, you?

Story looks good, the update helped

I think you should put a summary on the first post, as well as copy everything over to an article so people can read it all in one convenient page

Funny you should mention that BBL. There actually is an article for people to go check out, but my story is WAY to long to fit into one article. I have been thinking about creating a site full of random things of mine, one of which would be the complete story all in one place. I'll keep you posted on that. As for adding a summary on the first post, I think I may do that. I'll let you know once I've added that in.

Gitsplitta wrote:Very nice work Ice. Comments sent by e-mail.

Gits

Thank you Git. Comments have been processed and the post has been further updated. Thanks for taking the time to point out some of my grammatical issues.

It's all I have left to poke a finger at. Your story telling is just too dang good for me to do anything but nitpick.


Aw shoot... see on thing I missed...

you wrote:

Inushi attempted to bring up his plasma when Shar-drasha stepped...

I think it should read...

"Inushi was attempting to bring up his plasma when Shar-drasha stepped..." since the two things are is happening concurrently in real time.

Thanks Git. Story has been updated.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Happy Thanksgiving Ice!

belated happy thanksgiving!

I would post up a summery, just a quick one since it is pretty long at this point, plus that could help you since it'll force you to go through your old writing and sometimes you can find things you left behind that maybe you'd want to bring back

Really great stuff, i love the mek, and the ending with the fallen marine, that last line about the techmarine was an awesome visual, but i felt like it could be more vivid if you reword it a bit, something felt clunky about the word choices

Just skimmed through, found some great fiction here! I really like the concept for the Ice Angel chapter, too. Good work!

Sageheart wrote:belated happy thanksgiving!

I would post up a summery, just a quick one since it is pretty long at this point, plus that could help you since it'll force you to go through your old writing and sometimes you can find things you left behind that maybe you'd want to bring back

Really great stuff, i love the mek, and the ending with the fallen marine, that last line about the techmarine was an awesome visual, but i felt like it could be more vivid if you reword it a bit, something felt clunky about the word choices

Thanks Sage. I will have to think about that last line some. I may come up with some options and let you guys pick.

Ogryn wrote:Just skimmed through, found some great fiction here! I really like the concept for the Ice Angel chapter, too. Good work!

Thanks Ogryn! I'm glad you like.

Btw, it may not seem like it but apparently I've been slugging away at this story for two years now. I started this on 11/9/09. How crazy is that? I'm rather impressed with myself to still be working on a project this old. This is probably more of a feat for those of you that know me in real life.

I also would like to see a bit more of the blood rage and the customs of each chapter a bit more in combat. This just came into my head after rereading some of your story. I would think each marine fights in very similar patterns, but that some very small traits or changes could lead to interesting ways in showing character development.


This can be seen in vast differences such as the norse Space Wolf look and attitude placed next to the tribal White Scars, etc. But also just in little things. An example may be a certain crusade where its members had a particular motto, badge/tattoo, or certain small changes in combat doctrine.
An example would be marine X noticing that marine Y fires sparingly and realizes this must be from marine Y's experience during the Dakka Crusade where ammo was scarce, etc.

Just some ideas that came into my head. You just have a very complex and beautiful culture for your marines and I would like to see it more, and since you are placing a group of various chapters into combat together I would think that since their personal is very much based upon their combat abilities that it would come out strongly in their form.
Sorry for the length!

I like your ideas Sage. I try to differentiate the chapters while in combat and in doctrine but I haven't really had the marines themselves talk about these differences. I may try that.

Currently I've been working on my summary and I have come across a dilemma. How detailed shall I go and how should I break it down. At first I started with just a very general summary. I then went back and started looking over some of my posts, I had actually forgot about some of the random side things I wrote about along the way. So my question to you all is, if you were seeing this for the first time how much detail or how general should I be to get a new comer up to speed so they can read my latest post?

Go ahead, talk amongst yourselves.