Ask teh Space Emporer!

Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:

No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
Times and dates in your local timezone.
Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.

If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

**DreadlordME!**

Here is my question:

Dear Space Man.

I am writing this to you from the warp. My name is Neil Armstrong, and I was the first man to land on the moon, back when "Terra" was "Earth". I would just like some credit for being the pioneer of your space travel days, cuz without me you would be the emperor of terra, not space. My details are enclosed.

Neil Armstrong, first man on the moon

**DreadlordME!**

Woo, first post of page 30!

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Neil Armstrong,

Whilst I am very grateful for your revolutionary achievement, I'm afraid that "Neil Armstrong" is a rather dull name for the 41st millennium. Perhaps "Corneilius Ironarm" would be a better name to remember you by?

Also, I'm afraid we had to take down that candy wrapper on a stick you put on the moon, as quite frankly it looked hideous.

Yours uselessly,

Teh Almahteh Spess Emprah of Mankahnd.

Dear Mister Emperor,

My convent is getting rather bored between battles. We try our hardest not to give in to carnal urges, but given our vow of celibacy we really need some method of letting off steam, if you get my drift. I request that you lift the ban on the Orgasmus Maximus Stimulation Baton and distribute it to all the convents, as it contains no heretical technology or imagery, and honestly the hilt of our chainswords are a bit painful.

Yours devotedly,

Canoness Alexa, the Order of the Thunder Maidens.

XXX.

**captain collius**

Dear Mister Emperor,

My convent is getting rather bored between battles. We try our hardest not to give in to carnal urges, but given our vow of celibacy we really need some method of letting off steam, if you get my drift. I request that you lift the ban on the Orgasmus Maximus Stimulation Baton and distribute it to all the convents, as it contains no heretical technology or imagery, and honestly the hilt of our chainswords are a bit painful.

Yours devotedly,

Canoness Alexa, the Order of the Thunder Maidens.

XXX.

Dear Cannoness

Having considered your proposal and the needs of my beloved daughters. I have decided to grant your request. Signed Yours Most lovingly Teh Spess Emprah Papi

p.s.pay no attention to the tech adepts placing cameras in your convent.

Dear Emperor
As per our agreement i am letting you know that the world Zebia IV will be undergoing a zombie plague. - Papa Nurgle

**DreadlordME!**

Dear Nurgle.

Ok, but I have another present for you as well. It's a toy, with the symbol of a book with a sword through it.

Cheers, Draigo and the big E.

p.s Poker is at Khorne's on Saturday

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Mr. Spess Emporer,
I have a child of eight, and I want to be able to provide him with a loving and nurturing environment. But I have to constantly compete with a brand new show about the Arbites officers called "Killing Heretics with a Blast". Now, I'm not saying anything bad against the Arbites themselves, but the ultraviolent nature of the show itself is a problem that is corrupting today's youth, such as my own son. They show people with guts spilling out, and saying all sorts of blasphemes and words that I would never wanted poor Davie to start repeating. It's mind-blowing that such a thing exists on the holovids this millennium. I hope that you can put a stop to this horrible nonsense and encourage more senseful, educational programs.
Signed,
A Concerned Mother.

**kitch102**

Dr. Temujin wrote:Dear Mr. Spess Emporer,
I have a child of eight, and I want to be able to provide him with a loving and nurturing environment. But I have to constantly compete with a brand new show about the Arbites officers called "Killing Heretics with a Blast". Now, I'm not saying anything bad against the Arbites themselves, but the ultraviolent nature of the show itself is a problem that is corrupting today's youth, such as my own son. They show people with guts spilling out, and saying all sorts of blasphemes and words that I would never wanted poor Davie to start repeating. It's mind-blowing that such a thing exists on the holovids this millennium. I hope that you can put a stop to this horrible nonsense and encourage more senseful, educational programs.
Signed,
A Concerned Mother.

Dear Concerned Mother,

I'm confused, as this kind of show was banned in 35th millenium (why pretend to shoot xenos and heretics when you can actually do it says I)... Can I ask, does your pict screen have curtains either side of it? If so then what you're looking at is a window and I would highly recommend taking up arms against whatever filth it is that's trying to kill your little boy. Ok, he may not be the focus of the attack, but they'll get to him eventually and I doubt they'll put him to work in the soup kitchens.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but war knows no fury like a mother with a lasgun. Crack on love.

Sincerely,

The Emps

------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

Something weird just happened - these Mechanicum guys just landed on our planet and started taking all of our extension leads, they said that you'd authorised it saying no one cares for the guard, is this true, and if so, why have you forsaken us? Tempt me to turn traitor why don't you.

Wishing you well,

A. Guardsman

**DreadlordME!**

You are tempted to turn traitor? What planet are you on? hehehehe. Also, what were the names/designations of these mechanicum guys.

YYours, the guy who likes ordering exterminatus on traitor guard.

**kitch102**

(Dreadlord, you need to follow up each post with a new question, and try to extend on your answers a little more as has already been said, with respect, its getting annoying)

**DreadlordME!**

oops, sorry.

Dear big.E

So, oe day I was just cruising along, when suddenly I am knocked out of the sky by something strange and flying, painted blue. It had a U on it. It was odd. So, I shot it down. But now some ultramarine pansies shot down my raider. I am sincerely pissed off. I just shot something down, it was no problem of the ultramarines was it? Could you please discharge these barbaric fools?

Yours confused: Archon Yrellliath Bloodheart Lord of the Kabal of the Swift Knife, His Holiness etc.

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Yriellieth Bloodheart,

The reason they shot at you was because what you shot down was in fact an Ultramarines Stormtalon Gunship, and therefore was most certainly their business. Dumbass. Now go away and, I don't know, do some bondage or something.

Yours patronizingly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

PS: DreadlordME!, if you are reading this, stop posting. Now.

Dear Emperor-San,

Whilst I am obviously very grateful for the large amount of merchandise and my friends have, what we really need is a Vocaloid based tabletop wargame. Could you get this done?

Yours squeakily,

Hatsune Miku. ^_^

**Trondheim**

Dear Hatsune

Well what you ask could be done,but why do you not want more Imperium related mercandize in your collenction? Beside who wants to play with each other troaths?

Ps : I sendt you a special suprise, it should be arriving when you read this

Yours angerly The Big E man

To DreadlordME : Either learn the basic art of rule reading or stop destroying this tread!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the loyalist doh known as "The Emperor"

Ahaha I just stole your nose! What you gonna do about it!

Yours in theft

Bob the traitor marine

**captain collius**

Dear "Bob"

Which one of my traitorous sons legions are you from I have a list of all the traitors i have had killed and I would like to know.

Signed Laughing hysterically
By Teh Spess Emprah

P.S. I sent a Custode after you. Enjoy.

Dear Emps

Bro this is Marbo I'm kinda trapped behind enemy lines right now. I know this is where i always am but i just thought I should write you a letter. Why is it that every time i show up every one is trying to kill me I bring the party bro. So in summation: What is up with that.

Dammit I hear Creed yelling about outflanking the enemy in in warlord Titan. Gotta go.

Sly Marbo

P.s. Can you hook a brother up with the number to the nearest convent of sisters?

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Marbo,

No.

Yours disapprovingly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

DeAr JaAm 3MpErOr,

WhY mY sHoUlDeRs HuRt?

YoUrS JaAmMiLy,

HoT sHoT, TrAnSfOrMeRs aRmAdA.

**Dr. Temujin**

DeAr JaAm 3MpErOr,

WhY mY sHoUlDeRs HuRt?

YoUrS JaAmMiLy,

HoT sHoT, TrAnSfOrMeRs aRmAdA.

Dear Silly "Boys'" Toy,
I would account for your shoulders hurting for a number of reasons, and they are as follows:
1) You are not worshipping me
2) You have yet to join the ranks of real men's toys, like my Imperial Guard
3) Maybe it's time you invested in some giant pauldrons
4) You are not worshipping me
5) Mattel could NEVER hope to achieve the great magnificence of GW's
6) You are not worshipping me
7) Are you a car or a giant robot? Make up your minds, Me Dammit!
8) Did I mention you are not worshipping me?
Well, I certainly would think this should help you along.
Yours in Superiority and Worshipfulness,
E.

Dear Holy Emperor,
I, Brother Targal of the Grey Knights, submit to you, O Most Righteous of Us All, a gift of tremendous proportions. No, seriously, it's bigger than a Baneblade. Enclosed with this message is a giant block of Swiss Cheese. We have recovered this Holy Relic whilst fighting the Great Enemy, and it has served us well since then. We have decided to dedicate this great weapon to You and the Holy Priests of Mars so it may be sanctified and produced in greater quantities.
Nomming on the Cheese,
Brother Targal, Grey Knight

**Battle Brother Ambrosius**

Dear Brother Targal,
Thank you for your most righteous and pious submission. The Great Cheese has been *cough* given to the noble Tech-Priests, who are applying sacred unguents over its holy surface and reciting Sacred Vows of Purity. Cenobyte Servitors have been called forth to spread the *cough* most sacred incense over the entire Imperial *cough* *cough* Palace. Great choirs of *aargh* Ministorum Priests sing holy hymnals, and *cough* *cough* Imperial Guard parades on the *cough* streets. I have a feeling that this descovery will bring cheese upon the Imperium, cheese unlike anything we*cough* have seen in millenia. This discovery will surely bring a new golden age of nomming in the Imperium. *cough*
Yours suffocating to incense,
The Empra

Dear Emperor of Mankind,
I ain't but a humble farmer livin' up in the Belerophon subsector of the Ultima Segmentum. Yestedai, I was diggin' around in mah corn field. It sure is a lovely sight this time of the year, with Brainleaf Fronds hoverin' about and flesh eatin' worms risin' up to the surface, just ta die from the shot of me good ol' lasgun blessed by ya. But anyway, here I was, digging up a whip-weed; those bastards eatin' up the roots, when I suddely clanked me shovel into the surface of someting' hard. I thought I had myself a treasure, so I called forth two of my eldest lads and me wife. We dug n' dug, until we saw what the thing was. I ain't seen no magical contraptions other than me tractor, but I sure could say it was old, older than granpa Morrison's boots! On the side, it read "STC". And boy it was big alright! I thought you might wanna hear about me discovery. I dunno, might be somethin' important, ya know.
Yours truly,
Farmer Harrison.

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Farmer Harrison,

I'm afraid there has been a mistake. STC does not stand for Standard Template Construct, but Sentient Trash Can. Please leave it alone.

Yours Apologetically,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Emperor,

Sandvich! NOW!

Yours,

Heavy.

**necrovamp**

Heavy,

I hope you enjoy the 2 space marines i have sent around to your flat.

Emprah

Dear emprah

please help me, i keep getting eaten by a large furry animal that keeps dropping me at an even bigger but less fury animals feet, what do i do?

Saliva covered marine

**Matt.Kingsley**

Dear SCV (Saliva Covered Marine),
USE YOUR HOLY BOLTER TO BLOW THE HAIRY THING'S FACE UP AND THEN DESTROY THE BIGGER LESS FURRY ANIMAL'S FEET
YOURS MIGHTILY,
THE FETHING EMPRAH O' MAN
P.S. Darn Caps Lock....

Dear your royal corpsyness
My home girls keep entering the materium to have a kicking party, yo, but those xenos keeps shooting them up and forcing them back to the warp, less their beautiful faces get messed up for good.
I thought our bargain was you take care of the xenos and we take care of the pleasures
Also your marine homies & friends keep attacking us. They keep saying it's 'by your orders'. Is this true? I thought we were best frenemies!
If so I'm gonna have to either have to catch up with you and try my best to remake the frenemy connections between us or kick your massive (dead) royal behind
Yours charmingly,
Slaanesh, your not-so-local party guy!

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Slaanesh,

I do apologize for the behaviour of my many minions. For some reason they have a fear of lavender. I have tried to tell them to leave your poor girls alone, but unfortunately I'm three quarters dead.

Still, the Order of the Firey Sword would love to party with you and your girls, especially if there are tequilas and strap ons involved.

Yours regretfully,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Almighty God-Emperor, our Father, Guardian, Immortal Defender of Mankind, to whom the Dark Gods themselves tremble,

I am sooooooo horny! And there isn't a single man in the monastery! Is lesbianism heretical in the 41st millenium?

Yours yearningly,

Sister Isabella, Order of the Hammer of Judgement.

**necrovamp**

Sister Isabella, Order of the Hammer of Judgement.

All the battle sisters look like my space mairnes with make up on anyway, i shall turn the other cheek, but only this once since you asked me.

Emprah

Dear Emprah

We have detected signs of Jupiter corparation mining ship headed towards our homeworld, the captain, a Master Rear admiral sir Arnold J Rimmer BSC has requested we accept his surrender, we belive this could be a trick, what should we do?

Legion

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Legion,

It won't be a trick, Rimmer is a well known coward. Have you never watched Red Dwarf?

Just keep that smelly cat away from any Battle Sisters.

Yours beginning to run out of ideas for responses,

Teh Immawtul Spess Emprah.

Dear Space Emperor in space,

What's your favourite thing about space? Mine is SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!

Yours Spacily,

Space Core. In space.

**Matt.Kingsley**

Dear space core,
My favourite thing about space is that I rule it, mostly
From the big E

Dear 'Emperor'
What is wrong with you? You have all that power and you choose to be good!
Join the dark side, and replace those mind bullets with lightning!
From
Emperor Palpatine, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith & the TRUE ruler of MANKIND!

**Deadshot**

Dear False Emperor

My traitor sons do not like Emperors at all, and as the easiest target between us they have decided to kill you. As I am sure you are aware, Darth Vader is in fact Alpharius who wants to kill- Wait you didn't?

Luke, now!

Anyways, Abaddon says thank you for the bluprints though he wishes to rename it "The Planetkiller."

I have just realised this is bad for us, therefore I shall not protect your soul. I hear Slaanesh is on a nasty streak. And Nurgle wants a new friend.

Dear Emprah.

Mah tongue does not work! Every Sphess Mahreen unda ma command has tried his best to fix this dilemah! But to no avail! Nad the BAWLDNESS rectifier cream is USELESS! How could I be so FEWLISH?!

Captain Indrick Boreal.

**Matt.Kingsley**

Dear Capt'n I.B.
Do not fear, you are not the only riduculous sounding person, there were others, namely that chaos worshipper who yelled 'METAL BAWKSES'
wait, actually, do fear. The similarity between your voices may be the result of a chaos infetion. The =][= will be seeing you soon, unless you die first

Big E

Woops... stupid buttons...

Dear Emp
Lately I have been seeing images of your and Rogal Dorn. what does this mean? Am I now your champion?
Confused Initiate of the Black Templars, after his first day of battle

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emp
Lately I have been seeing images of your and Rogal Dorn. what does this mean? Am I now your champion?
Confused Initiate of the Black Templars, after his first day of battle

Son of My Son,
Either you're right, and you are, indeed, the new Champion of your Crusade, or you're having hallucinations from a bad case of indigestion. Either way, you probably should talk to your Chaplain about the visions.
Yours in Hallucinations,
E.

Dear "Emperor",
I'm Alpharius. And so is Alpharius. And so are all the other Alpharius'. Now, me and the other Alphariuses have been thinking, and judging by all the data and evidence compiled over ten millennia of hard work, investigation, and research, we believe that you, the Emperor of Mankind, are actually Alpharius. I mean, heck, even if we get it wrong, everyone else we keep seeing is probably Alpharius also. Just writing to see if we got it right this time.
Sincerely,
Alpharius, currently disguised as an Aurelian Duck

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Alpharius,

You've been drinking with Fulgrim again, haven't you?

Yours unsurprisedly,

Teh Gawd Emprah of Spess.

Dear Disgusting, Useless, Rotting, Maggotty-Arsed False Emperor,

Just so you are aware, contrary to anything you may have heard on 4Chan, I have arms. And I'm coming for you.

Yours Psychotically,

Abaddon the Despoiler.

**Battle Brother Ambrosius**

Dear Incompetence,

You are free to come pay me a visit, but first you have to pull yourself together and stop crying on the surface of Cadia. After you have done that, you have to cut your hair as I told you ten millenia ago. It must be awfully long now.

Yours rolling eyes,

The Emperor.

Dear Father,

I have found a really nice place to test my Angelic Wings around here in the Eye of Terror. There's a really nice breeze.

There is also a really nice guy around here who calls himself Kaldor Draigo. We have made lots of righteous cleansing in your name.

I also found many of my brothers here. We are out of hamburgers and cola shortly and we need to refill our fridge.

Send me some money soon.

Yours killing heretics,
Sanguinius.

**Matt.Kingsley**

At Sanguinius,
But, I saw you die, didn't I? Anyway, money is coming soon
Your Father,
The Emperor

Hi Empy!
What's your view on nightsiders, yay or nay?
If yay, I'm a nighsider
If not, I'm most definately a homo sapien
Your faithfully
Mistress Madel, Acting superviser of the night planet Derif X

**kitch102**

Dear Mistress Madel,

You mean Night Rider, right? I love that show! It's the one and only reason why I've not been able to get off this throne since the heresy. Ha, I mean it's been like, what 5 years now or something?

One thing though; I don't really get how you're a talking car that's in charge of a planet... Tsk, the things those Mechanicum boys can do now eh?

And I don't care what you're sexual tendencies are, homo sapien or hetero sapien, it's all good

Peace, love and cheese cake,

Da Empz.

-----------------------------------

Dear Most Esteemed Emperor,

In a nut shell, what makes you so great? I'm a High Lord of Terra, and recognise the fact that the human race needs a leader that is entirely copus mentus, as opposed to mostus corpus.

We have seen a number of Lords try, and fail, to take "ownership" of the race for the greater good of mankind since your internment on yon throne of copper. Sorry, gold. Yes, gold, dont worry, I did my research. Bloody temps.... anyway... my point is, we need someone that can lead, we're stuck in a damn deep rut right now dear chap and I can't help but feel that carrying on as we are will result in... well, extinction is I'm perfectly honest.

So I bring you back to my original question old boy, what makes you so great, and how I can I become as great your wonderous self in the hope of returning our kind to the glory that we experienced before you suffered that rather nasty scratch, without me being declared a traitor and having an exterminatus shoved up my royal extermi-rectum?

Also, have you considered turning the golden throne in to some kind of mega wheel chair? The chicks'd dig it

Best regards,

High Lord Terry of Terrydom, on Terra