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Wooo-hooooo!

How's that?


OK Ice... I'm totally sucked in. Can't wait for the next update!

Actually I saw git was the last poster and was automatically disappointed

Are they Eldar or Dark Eldar? Cuz DE use poisoned "splinters". Think more like a Halo Needler.

whalemusic360 wrote:Actually I saw git was the last poster and was automatically disappointed

Are they Eldar or Dark Eldar? Cuz DE use poisoned "splinters". Think more like a Halo Needler.

HOLY COW! you're right. i need to fix that one. can somebody give me a good description of one of those rounds? I don't have any DE books.

Well the fluff is pretty week as far as DE go, but I'll dig thru my stuff and see what I can dig up for ya. But basically they are crystalline shards that cause necrosis, more or less.

Yes, and the fact that she was so easily dispatched without causing a single casualty points clearly to dark eldar... at least until their new codex comes out... *grin*

well she took out one marine, but the captain beat her. I thought that was fair.

The Whych Secubus (spelling) isnt bad, you can hop em up on drugs.

As I recall she got taken out by a melta gun *and* a bolt. That's 2 marines. Unless I misread or the IA's can fire multiple weapons at once?

However she gets big chutzpah points for taking on a captain on his entourage by herself... must have been some gooood combat drugs.

Gitsplitta wrote:As I recall she got taken out by a melta gun *and* a bolt. That's 2 marines. Unless I misread or the IA's can fire multiple weapons at once?

However she gets big chutzpah points for taking on a captain on his entourage by herself... must have been some gooood combat drugs.

She was taken out by Miqits meltagun and Sidanas bolt pistol. They both shot at her as she flipped away. I may need to clarify that in the story.

Discovery - 7

Following the fleeing dark eldar’s path began as an easy task, but the winding rock tunnels and space hulk debris began to turn into a labyrinth. After loosing the trail and doubling back several times the small Ice Angel unit heard the echo of gun fire. Not Imperial fire, but the scream of Dark Eldar weapons. The sound was followed by a brief exchange with much louder weapons, the booms and dakkas reverberating off the walls. With in seconds the exchange was over.

As quietly as they could they crept towards the sound. The stone tunnel they were in melded into what appeared to be a piece of an imperial cruiser. The darkness added to the surreal scene as they crossed the rock onto what normally would be the ceiling of an imperial hallway. The older design reminding them of cruisers they had all been in before. Rounding the corner they overlooked a vile scene.

Bel Uri held up his fist for a halt. Every marine stopped and didn’t make a sound. Bel Uri took a few silent steps around another corner onto a sort of balcony that was part of an imperial meeting hall. The pillared hall was now covered with old ork glyphs and fresh corpses. At one end of the hall was a ramshackle stair case heading up, clearly of ork design, but the other end of the room was drawing Bel Uri’s attention. The imperial meeting hall appeared to have been crushed into the side of an alien ship. A large doorway was open and a dim light poured into the room.

In the center of the room knelt a dark eldar warrior who was peeling the skin off the face of a dead ork. All around him were ork bodies and a few downed eldar. Nearing the staircase was a group of several dozen eldar quickly moving a rhino sized floating contraption. The remaining dark eldar were guarding the alien doorway.

Captain Ruusa moved up next to Bel Uri to also take in the scene. They watched the floating contraption begin its assent up the stair way while many of the remaining dark eldar took trophies before either moving to guard the door way or enter. After a few minutes Captain Ruusa moved back to where the other marines waited. Bel Uri stayed and watched.

Bel Hando had quietly set the unconscious Tock-tzu down. Captain Razzik and the others had spread out along the hall in the darkness waiting for further commands. As Captain Ruusa approached he motioned them to move in.

He spoke in a hushed tone, even though the dark eldar were a hundred yards away around several corners of metal walls. “It appears we’ve found an embedded dark eldar vessel inside the rokk. They just escorted a floating device away from their vessel further up into the rokk. We should…” Ruusa paused mid sentence as an orange blip flashed three times in his HUD. All of the marines turned towards Bel Uri’s position but only Captain Ruusa moved up. Quietly as he could, he once again approached the balcony. Bel Uri was hidden against the wall over looking the hall. He pointed towards the stair way. Coming down the stairs was a small contingent of dark eldar, but with them they draggeed unconscious Ice Angels. There were four marines all together and each one had a peculiar device attached to them through a series of cords. They were being carried by a host of dark eldar warriors. As they approached the mid way point in the hall way, some cheering and shouts were exchanged between them and the eldar guarding the door way.

At seeing the dark eldar’s joy in taking prisoners Bel Uri began to tremble with rage. Thoughts of tortured brothers and the pinned marine he had pulled from the previous rokk flew through his mind. Bel Uri began to fantasize of tearing the dark eldar limb from limb, covered in their blood their screams filling his thoughts. Bel Uri didn’t even realize he was beginning to squeeze on a metal support beam with his powerfist. A slight screech was all the sound it made before he came out of his reverie and to reality. The dark eldar didn’t seem to notice, but when he looked over at Captain Ruusa. The Captain was staring at him. Bel Uri couldn’t see his face behind the helmet, but he knew the look.

The Ice Angel gene seed comes from the Blood Angel line, and like all other Blood Angel successors, the Rage can affect any of them. No one wants to dawn the ice white armor of the Death Company for that means that they have succumbed to the Rage. As rare as it is in the Ice Angel gene seed, the commanders and veterans are always watchful of their brothers, for once the Rage is in effect you become delusional and nearly unstoppable.

Captain Ruusa’s ice blue helmet showed no emotion, only the calculated look he always had, before turning back towards his captured brothers. Bel Uri took a deep breath before also turning to the scene. Their brothers were being taken through the glowing door when gun fire and explosions erupted behind them from the stairs. One of the dark eldar with a long white mane helmet sung an order as nearly all of the dark eldar, except those carrying the marines, ran towards the stair way. The gun fire continued, the familiar sound of bolters and grenades over powering the screams of dark eldar.

Captain Ruusa gave a hand signal and both marines quickly but quietly returned to the others. “My Brothers, we have found our captured brethren. We must infiltrate the dark eldar vessel and save them. “Ruusa said as he approached his marines.

He looked to Bel Hando and then Tock-tzu. “Sergeant, give us two minutes to move in. You will then take out the guards as we approach, after that protect Tock and stay vigilant.”

“The Emperor Protects.” Was all he said as he brought up his combi-flamer and moved towards the balcony into position. The remaining marines took a side hallway to move further down the large chamber to be closer to the guards.

As they rounded a corner to what was another balcony they broke into a run, Captain Ruusa and Bel Uri up front. The moment the guards heard the marines land in the room three shots rang out in rapid succession. The first two shots dropped two dark eldar, the other guard spun around from a grazing blow but managed to stay standing long enough to take another shot, this time in the chest. At a full run the five marines barreled past the bodies into the vessel, the eerie light welcoming them to their doom.

You're getting better and better at this Ice. Each installment a cleaner read than the last, story line is easy to follow and very compelling. Nice.

I haven't read it all yet Ice, but I will when I get the time.
I can't wait to see how you fit the marine you get from me into the story with all the other GMS marines.
Also, pm me with your address and I'll send him to you

Good job! If you mention my chapter at least once I will see that finnaly my chapter is recognized around the world or the next state over......
What ever.
Anyway.
Nice writing. Best of writing!
SW2 (thats my sig)

Thanks guys! I am glad that I'm showing some improvement. The GMS marines will be involved soon enough. I am just trying to stall long enough for Gitsplitta to complete his marine for me! lol, no pressure.

I just found out from Nick that my custom shoulder pads are going into production... so IF you can be patient you'll get a *real* Mantis Warrior.

It'll be worth the wait.

Gitsplitta wrote:I just found out from Nick that my custom shoulder pads are going into production... so IF you can be patient you'll get a *real* Mantis Warrior.

It'll be worth the wait.

Sounds great!

Fething. Wicked. Awesome.

Ice Im loving your work like you have no idea.
And youre actually gonna bring the GMS marines in on this?!

Duuude.... i cant wait! ^^

Ramos Asura wrote:Fething. Wicked. Awesome.

Ice Im loving your work like you have no idea.
And youre actually gonna bring the GMS marines in on this?!

Duuude.... i cant wait! ^^

lol, I'm glad you like. I've already got so many good ideas for the marine from the GMS. I really think you're going to like your marine.

@Git - dude after seeing those helmets. You're were 200% correct, they are totally worth the wait.

I told you ice... everyone thinks I was dragging my heels on my trades... but there was method to my madness...er... tardiness...

Blackhand is The Bomb.

Hey Ice, the Miqit story really impressed me(so did the others, but I thought that one was the best for some reason..) and I was wondering if I could make a scene from it on a medium-large display base?

If it's not okay, than thats fine, it just really grabbed me and I would love to make one of the scenes that were described and I could so clearly see in my mind

gretar wrote:Hey Ice, the Miqit story really impressed me(so did the others, but I thought that one was the best for some reason..) and I was wondering if I could make a scene from it on a medium-large display base?

If it's not okay, than thats fine, it just really grabbed me and I would love to make one of the scenes that were described and I could so clearly see in my mind

Yeah, that'd be fine. Just make sure I get to see a picture when its done!

IceAngel wrote:

gretar wrote:Hey Ice, the Miqit story really impressed me(so did the others, but I thought that one was the best for some reason..) and I was wondering if I could make a scene from it on a medium-large display base?

If it's not okay, than thats fine, it just really grabbed me and I would love to make one of the scenes that were described and I could so clearly see in my mind

Yeah, that'd be fine. Just make sure I get to see a picture when its done!

Yeah will do!

Btw, could you PM me some colours that you use so that I wont be guessing into the blue by looking at the pictures in you'r gallery?

btw, the marine in the center with the meltagun in this picture is Miqit. The blues final highlight is Ice Blue. You probably can't tell in the pictures but some of the guys have GW blues and others have vallejo blues. I think as long as you work up to Ice Blue the darker blues won't make as much of a difference.

After the five marines passed through the threshold of the dark eldar vessel the short tunnel came to a T. The marines took up defensive positions covering both ends of the hallway. Assuming other dark eldar would be responding to the fire, they waited for a few seconds. Passing through the threshold of the vessel completely blocked all sounds from outside the vessel and all of their coms. The dark halls had smooth curved walls, but hanging from the ceiling were chains and dim lights. A quiet hum could be heard in the distance.

Eventually Captain Ruusa gave a short hand signal and Bel Uri moved down one hall towards the corner. He peered around the corner and motioned all clear. Captain Ruusa then sent Razzik down the other hall way. As Razzik checked the corner a triple orange blip appeared in their HUDs.

Bel Uri was leaning back away from the corner in a crouched position. With his powerfist he quickly gestured that three enemies were approaching. The three dark eldar warriors rounded the corner in a run their dark turquoise armor making almost no sound. The first two moved right past Bel Uri and were met by bolt rounds. The third turned to dive away but Bel Uri was already moving. Springing from his crouch he caught the leg of the eldar as he dove back around the corner. They crashed to the floor and in a blur of motion the dark eldar fired three rounds from his splinter pistol at Bel Uri’s shoulders and helmet. The rounds damaged his armor, but the holy astartes armor was designed to hold up against much worse. Bel Uri pulled the eldar towards him and blocked a blow with his powerfist. He then used the crackling powerfist to crush the head of the dark eldar into a pulp. The lithe form instantly went limp. Bel Uri began to get up when more splinter fire peppered the area around him. While lying on the dark eldar he pulled the torso of the dead over his helmet for added protection. As soon as the fire stopped he looked down the hall. At the other end of the hallway was a quickly retreating dark eldar. With a shout of anger he jumped up and ran after him.

Bel Uri was barreling through the hall ways after the fleeing thin form of his hated enemy. To his disbelief the dark eldar seemed to be out running him, no xenos should be faster then a son of Sanguinius. He used his anger to gain more speed but as he did he rounded a corner into a large oval room. Only a few feet from the entrance were a handful of waiting dark eldar. On pure reaction he lowered his head and barreled into one, crushing him against a bone colored table. The remaining dark eldar were all over the marine stabbing with jagged blades, he felt his body being pierced in several places. Warning runes flashed in his HUD before his body even registered the pain. Bel Uri head butted a dark eldar and began to twist, turn, and punch his way from his attackers. They were so caught up in their fight with Bel Uri that the arrival of four more marines didn’t even register before they were slaughtered.

“By the Throne! What is this place?” Razzik said as he let go of a recently slain dark eldar.

The room was lighter then the halls and was either used for medical purposes or torture. Blood caked the floor, bodies hung from the ceiling and all around them were remnants of humans. There were at least a dozen tables in the oval room. Several cell doors lined the walls, while the other end of the room had a larger door. Three of the four Ice Angels they had seen earlier were lying on the floor while the fourth was up on a table. The strange devices still attached to their motionless bodies occasionally blinked a dull yellow.

Ruusa moved up to the Ice Angel on the table, he examined the body and the device. While he was concentrating on the device Razzik moved towards the exit with Bel Uri while Miqit and Sidana went towards the door they came in. Two blips signaled that both door ways were clear. Ruusa laid down his double bladed power axe and shield next to his disabled brother before picking up the device to try and decipher the runes. With a black gauntlet hand he was about to press down on one of the runes when a deep raspy voice stopped him, “That would not be wise.” It said.

Bel Uri was already diving towards the cell just as Miqit spun on his heels. Captain Ruusa looked up at the cell directly across from him. In between the small bars of the door was only blackness, yet once again the voice spoke.

“Please my brother, release me and I will revive him.”

Bel Uri was now crouched next to the handle, with Miqit pointing his meltagun Kwu-akki at the door. Captain Ruusa calmly picked up his poweraxe and walked across the room. Making no effort to silence his walk he stepped towards the cell. The door was locked with several bolts and a metal beam which he opened all while starring into the darkness.

With a clang the beam hit the floor and the Captain opened the door. As the light poured into the small cell, a form could be seen pinned to the wall. It was another space marine but unlike the Ice Angels he was dark skinned and the entire right side of his body was covered in brands. He was completely naked except for a metal mask that covered his mouth. His eyes screamed of defiance and his long hair drooped down past his shoulders. As Captain Ruusa visually scanned the marine, the marine scanned him, both sizing up one another.

“You know how to use those devices?” Ruusa asked.
“Yes.” The captive responded.
“How?”
“I’ve been a prisoner a long time. I am the last one left. I’ve seen them use those devices many times and I know what will happen if you do it wrong, release me and I’ll bring them back.” He said flatly.

The Captain took one more look at the branded marine, handed his axe to Miqit, before stepping into the small cell. He reached up and removed the mask; blood trickled down his face from the jagged cuts the tight mask had created.

“What’s your name and rank marine?” The captain asked.
The captive hesitated and then spoke, “Sergeant Pyrox of the Fire Angel Chapter.”
Captain Ruusa began to remove the arm pins and leg pins, the weak form of the Fire Angel slumped towards the captain. Ruusa held him up so the Sergeant could regain his feet.

“I am Captain Ruusa of the Ice Angels. If you try to flee or harm one of my marines, by the Emperor’s Light I’ll destroy you.” He said as he stared down the branded marine. He then stepped back out of the cell. “Now if you could, I’d like to see my brothers once again on their feet.”

A fire seemed to start in the naked marines eyes as he gave a faint smile. Pyrox took a few wobbly steps as he approached the downed marine on the table. Miqit backed away and Bel Uri moved in to flank the naked marine. Pyrox examined where the cords were attached and pushed one button on the device the same moment he removed a cord, he systematically did this on all of the cords and device. As the last one was removed the marine took a deep breathe as if he were gasping for air.

“Brother Tani, be calm.” Captain Ruusa said as he looked down at the still marine. The marine’s eyes darted around for a moment before focusing on the captain. “Why doesn’t he move?” Bel Uri growled at Pyrox.

“It will take just a moment for the poisonous cocktail to work itself out of his system, he will be up in a matter of minutes. “ Pyrox responded as he leaned on the table. Brother Tani slowly turned his head and then wiggled his fingers.

“Miqit, help Pyrox with the others. We need to get back to our brethren.” Captain Ruusa said as he took his axe back from Miqit.

Pyrox moved some of his dark hair out of his face before moving to the next downed brother. “Before we leave we should free the others.” He stated as he knelt down.

“There are more? I thought you were the last?” Razzik said.

“I am. They had already taken the others just moments before you arrived. I am assuming they’re heading back through the portal, unless there are other dark eldar vessels nearby.” Pyrox explained.

“No, we’re actually in the middle of an ork rokk.” Razzik responded.

Pryox looked up and started off into space before his deep voice spoke again. “Interesting.”

“Can you lead us to the portal Sergeant Pyrox?” Ruusa asked.

“I did not have a free pass to wander the ship, so no. I just know I took a portal to get on this vessel.” he added as he once again methodically removed cords. The downed Ice Angel suddenly breathing heavily.

“Welcome Brother Dtril.” Miqit said as Pyrox once again moved to the next marine.

“Once they’re up and able we’re moving out. Bel Uri and Sidana scout ahead and find us where they went. This Dark Eldar filth is beginning to irritate me. “Ruusa said as he retrieved his shield.

Bel Uri quickly moved towards the door and Sidana crossed the room after him. Before leaving Bel Uri yanked out several embedded splinter rounds from his armor and checked his latest wounds. Seeing they were closed properly he gave the captain a nod and the pair took off through the hall way searching for more enemies to slay and brethren to save.

Bel Uri and Sidana didn’t go far before they found what they were looking for. After several dead ends and a path way that forced the marines to move up a level, they came across the sounds of dark eldar chanting and shouting. The two marines came across an intersection and they moved towards the sound. With no cover or even wall supports to spy from they were forced to stop well shy of the room that the hall way opened up into. From what it sounded though, there must have been 20 or 30 Dark Eldar. An electric buzz could be heard under the smooth Dark Eldar speak, clearly some major activity was under way. With their time almost up the two dark armored marines returned to their brethren.

When they returned they saw Brother Dtril, Tani, Fwaupuu, and T’Qwaba up on their feet. They were battered and wounded but ready to slay the enemies of the Emperor. The only weapons they had were a few combat knives and dark eldar blades they had picked up. Pyrox was seated on a table next to Ruusa and Razzik, Miqit was on post at the door as they entered.

Both captains and Pyrox turned their attention to the returning marines.
“Target located Captain.” Bel Uri said as he approached.
Ruusa nodded and looked out at his Ice Angels. “Lead us to them Bel Uri, it is past time we purged these aliens.”

The Ice Angels nodded their heads and murmured their prayers. Bel Uri lead the Ice Angels and the lone Fire Angel towards their prey.

Bel Uri was cautiously walking along the side of the hall way. Four marines were behind him, while the other five were in a line on the other side of the hall moving silently down towards the dark opening. The noise of Dark Eldar from before was replaced with a cold silence. Something was terribly wrong, he could feel it in his bones, but he knew this was the same place as before.

The hall way they were traversing had a slight incline and when they neared the top Ruusa held up a fist. Everyone stopped and stood silent. Ruusa pointed to Bel Uri and waved forward, everyone else stayed motionless. Bel Uri and Ruusa moved the last few yards up the incline. The room at the end of the hall was large for this vessel and surprisingly cold. There was a dull pulsing light near the back of the room from some mechanical device on stilts, but other then that the only light was a red candle in the center of the room. Under the candle was a desecrated body of a marine. His stomach was torn open and all around him was blood and gore. Both Bel Uri and Ruusa were staring at the body when they heard a low growl to their left. Soon several other growls responded. The darkness around the room seemed to move when a soft feminine chuckle silenced the growls. Just outside the radiance of the candle a form could be seen from the pulsing backlight.

“You’re a little late, marine.” She said with disgust in her voice.

Ruusa took a step forward, the growling once again started.

She chuckled and made a small hand motion, the end of a whip rolling into the candle light. “I hope you’re more of a challenge then the last few pathetic marines I’ve slaughtered.” She then stepped into the light. The scantily clad woman wore only a small armored vest and tattoos. “Come on whelp, I grow tired of staring at you. Shout some nonsense about your pathetic emperor and fight me!” A smug look of satisfaction crossed her face as she saw their reactions.

With super human speed both Bel Uri and Ruusa rushed forward. “For Sanguinuis!” Bel Uri shouted. After only a few steps the woman smiled and flipped backwards into the darkness. Bel Uri was slightly faster then Ruusa but was pounced on by some sort of beast. Bel Uri tumbled to the ground punching and kneeing a skinless creature. The cat like beast dug in his claws and tried to use its bulk to bring its massive jaws on Bel Uri’s helmet. Seeing him fall, Ruusa dove forward to dodge another pouncing beast.

As soon as Bel Uri had shouted the other Ice Angels and Fire Angel ran into the room to assist. They were also met by the strange beasts. The beasts seemed to chill the air around them as they jumped and pounced on the marines. Only a few shots could be heard over the growls and howls of the beasts. To Ruusa, he knew his brothers could take on the strange creatures; all that mattered was slaying the alien bitch that defiled the Emperors name and tortured his marines.

With the sound of battle behind him, Ruusa moved past the unknown corpse on the floor. With shield and double bladed axe he moved into the darkness. Using all of his senses he tried to locate the dark eldar. A slight shuffle behind him was all the warning he had. He spun around, axe swinging at chest level. Air was the only thing he hit as he realized she had jumped over him. A short blade went into his flesh in between his chest plate and arm. Ruusa held his arm tight against his body as he tried to pin the blade in his own flesh, but the small blade still slid out. He rolled away and came up facing his attacker. He quickly tried to move in and swing with his axe with a downward chop. She side stepped the chop and jabbed her needle thin blade into Ruusa’s elbow. With a shout of rage Ruusa punched out with his shield. A satisfying crunch brought a smile to his face.

She moaned, “Hmm yes. That was exquisite.” Ruusa was mid step when she tumbled across the floor right at him. Now inside his next swing, she jabbed her blade into his abdomen. With a smile she started to flip to his side. Ruusa dropped his shield and grabbed a handful of her passing hair. With a screech she didn’t complete her flip but fell on the ground. Hair in hand Ruusa pulled her across the floor right to him. With all his might his axe came down at the lithe form. With real hate in her eyes she swung her legs up and deflected his swing with her knee. Next her blade came up and went through Ruusa’s wrist, but this time the blade stuck in between his super human bones.

Now free, she tumbled away. Ruusa pulled out the blade in his wrist and threw it aside. His body was screaming in pain from the wounds and he couldn’t move is left hand. Her nose was shattered and blood freely fell down her face. She unfurled her whip and as she took her first swing, Ruusa hurled his double blade axe at her. With insane speed she contorted to dodge the axe, but it wasn’t enough. The powered blade cut a deep gash across her shoulder.

With a scream that seemed to shake the darkness itself she cracked her whip at Ruusa. He blocked with his good arm. The whip coiled around his arm, spiked barbs punctured his armor. Ruusa’s eyes went wide as his arm lost all feeling and fell limp at his side. The Dark Eldar took several steps forward and jumped through the air. In mid flight she let go of the whip and took out two more blades. She landed in a crouched position on his shoulders and jammed one blade into Ruusa’s hemlet and the other into his throat. Ruusa fell backwards and she rolled off of him. Both blades were still imbedded in his body. Ruusa tried to speak but blood was gurgling up his throat. The dark eldar then reappeared on top of him pinning him to the floor. With blood dripping from her shattered nose she smiled.

“That,” she paused, “was amazing.” She licked her bloody lips. “Now I must go.” She leaned down and kissed his helmet. “One more parting gift, I’m going to blow up all of your friends. “ She said with a sinister look. She pushed small device hidden in her jewelry. The pulsing light on the mechanical device began to quicken.

She stood up and looked down at the dying marine. She turned to leave when a dark form crashed into her from the side. The woman tried to flee from the grasp of the naked marine. She thrashed and tried to punch, but the marine wove his arms and legs around her. Soon she was unable to move, the marines bulk holding her down. Face to face, she screamed at the branded marine. She tried to head butt him, but he was just out of reach. She spit in his face instead. With a smile he made a sound that came from deep in his throat. It sounded like a gravel landslide. Special glands activated and churned out a special concoction of chemicals. With all his force he spit out a glob of glowing goo. It hit her face and immediately combusted. Her face burst into flames, her hair went up in smoke. She creamed as her face melted off. Only inches away from the dying woman Pyrox held her down. He watched her worm and try to escape but he held true. All the years of torment, all the years of suffering, gave him the strength as he watched one of his hated enemies thrash.

“Holy Emperor, NO!” Razzik shouted as he approached his downed Captain.

The other marines were gathering around as Razzik knelt down next to Ruusa. He quickly examined where the blades had entered, the scene was grim. He pulled the blade out of Ruusa’s throat and held his head steady. Ruusa coughed in his helmet and with a gargled voice he spoke “She armed a bomb, you must escape.”

After just the millisecond it took to comprehend his words, Razzik looked up at his brethren and shouted, “MOVE!”

Razzik picked up Ruusa and Miqit lead the group. Bel Uri and Sidana helped the wounded. The flight through the vessel hardly took a minute before the bomb went off. The ork Rokk shook. The Ice Angels came out of the dark eldar vessel with dust and debris at their backs.

In the upside down cathedral they were met by the other Ice Angels. At seeing Razzik exit with the wounded Ruusa there was a gasp followed by prayers to the Emperor. Razzik stepped out and gently laid down his Captain. Philosir moved in to stand next to the kneeling Razzik. Ruusa’s motionless body was there but their beloved Captain was now at the Emperor’s side.

DUN DUN DUN! You've officially got me hooked.
1 question though. How did you type the whole second part in 16 seconds?

whalemusic360 wrote:DUN DUN DUN! You've officially got me hooked.
1 question though. How did you type the whole second part in 16 seconds?

lol, i had actually typed up both but posted them separately. It looked funny putting a break in the one post so I made them two!

As with before I’m not trying to steal your fire, it’s just that at times I find passages in your posts that don’t seem quite right. Such as the one below (again the bit I take issue with is the bit between the 's)

Miqit did a quick gear check before taking a closer look at his brothers. Captain Ruusa, with his double bladed power axe and storm shield, looked determined and anxious to find the fallen Captain Razzik. The Captain seemed to notice Miqit’s look and he nodded his pointed ice blue helm at him. Miqit returned the gesture before looking over to Bel Hando. Bel Hando is the sergeant to the Shwando, a newly formed devastator unit; his usual demeanor has been replaced by one of sorrow for loosing his first two battle brothers under his command. Ishtim took fire from a mob of lootas and Tock-tzu fell into the darkness with Razzik.

To me this reads like to me is that bit at the beginning of screenplays where each character is listed along with a short paragraph that acts as both a biography and an explanation of their motives. To me it seems to break the flow of the story. Thus far all the segments of this story that you have posted have been very much set in the present and are very much action driven. Stopping the current progression of events to reiterate something that already happened or to go into depth on a character breaks the immersion.

I would suggest having a paragraph at the beginning of each new post where you recap significant events in the story thus far that affect the current installment. Also in this paragraph you can include information about the characters that the reader might not know about.

Hopefully what I have written makes sense. Your writing is getting better but there are still a number of spots where the narrative gets a little rough on the reader.

Maybe like an appendix of characters and other jargon like in most of the Black Library books would help.