Fictional Rejection_ A tale of 250 word heartbreak...

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**DarkHound**

I don't want to be rude, but that's really not 40k. I've got to get through the bad stuff first; if you're still with me by the end, I'll give you my advice on how to improve.

There are spelling and grammar mistakes, your tense is often inconsistent, and there's a lot of bloat that adds nothing to the story. The writing also does a poor job of telling the audience what's going on. That first sentence is so committed to the simile that it's not immediately apparent if the 'creature' has literally just been 'belched forth from the galaxy's womb.' Only three paragraphs later do we learn the 'creature' is an ork, then we have to reread the everything to properly understand it.

Even so, 40k's orks are identified by their humorous broken cockney accent. The described combat is intelligent and elegant, but the ork's nature is to attack with reckless abandon. GW's writing criteria specify the point of the prompt is to viscerally describe the combat in all its brutality. The writing fails to describe the weapons and heraldry and technology that define 40k, which is another writing criteria. The Space Marine also lacks identity or purpose; he doesn't even have a name. Indeed, there's no real conflict or purpose to the story.

It's cool that you're going for a style of epic simile and grandiose description. That could be a unique and effective method. However, you need more practice. Read the Iliad and the Odyssey. Homer will spend a paragraph writing a simile to describe what the character is feeling, but only after explicitly and plainly describing the scene. And when he describes action, he gives the blow by blow commentary (well, as much as they did in ancient texts) before applying the flowery language.

Slow down and really ask yourself what the purpose of the story is. For example, in my stories my purpose was to show the Space Marines as protectors of humanity. If a sentence doesn't contribute to that idea, then it gets cut. The story practically writes itself when all the elements are working towards a clear goal, and the audience will find it much easier to follow.

Dicrel Seijin wrote:
Well, I guess I should get back to writing my next set of submissions.

Hey, feel free to PM me your work if you want a second set of eyes to look it over.

**whitetornado**

I got a rejection this morning when I woke up. Both stories we're summarily rejected on all 10 counts of criteria. I don't have the original brief in front of me, i'm on vacation with the family, but i think there were 10 counts for both. However, they did invite me to try again on the same brief with a new set of stories.

My stories. They are in the thread earlier, but i'll repost them in here so you don't have to go back.

Spoiler:

Here are the specific criteria rejections outlined (they were highlighted in red in my e-mail):

Spoiler:

I tried to meet the GW criteria while simultaneously meeting what i told Games Workshop I wanted to write. Since they allowed me into round 2 I thought meeting the proposal I laid out was the direction I needed to approach the stories from. I probably over thought it.

Here is my proposal letter for insights on that front:

Spoiler:

I hope this information helps others that may want to resubmit.

**Themanwiththeplan**

2BlackJack1 wrote:
I like the story, but it doesn't really focus on a struggle (which isnt a bad thing) and I find the ork's speak too human for it to come from a run of the mill ork.

Agreed all round, particularly the Ork's speech. Sounded too prim and proper, not enuf propa talkin ta be a real one of da ladz.
Two hundred and fifty words is harder to write than expected

. I found it constrictive tbh and felt there wasn't room for a drawn out fight, glad you found it ok to read though as that was the main aim. My hat off to the others that managed the 250 mark.

**AlexHolker**

Dicrel Seijin wrote:
The Test Brief Part 2
On the flickering hololith, Espadarosa, capital of Manos-Piedras, burned.

If it was me, I would have gone for something like this:

On the flickering hololith, the capital of Piedras burned.

I feel like the aside necessary to both give the name Espadarosa and the fact that it is the capital causes the sentence to stop and start and end on a weak note instead of flowing well. Calling it Piedras (or Manos) rather than Manos-Piedras might be a bit over the top, but try saying the sentence out loud and you'll at least see why I considered it.

**simison**

Question. I submitted my own test briefs and have decided to try it again. Do I have to worry about any kind of NDA about posting my failures here?

**AlexHolker**

simison wrote:
Question. I submitted my own test briefs and have decided to try it again. Do I have to worry about any kind of NDA about posting my failures here?

The worst that could happen is for GW to get butthurt about it and reject your next submission out of spite. But that would be a self-destructively petty thing to do. They have not paid you for your rejected test briefs, so they have no moral or legal standing to complain if you treat it as your own IP and do with it as you see fit - which it is.

**simison**

[In that case, here are mine.]

Combat Test (Failed 6/10)

Fire blazed from Esha’s flamethrower, the red tide pouring over the charging Orks. Behind him, he could hear the cries and screams from within the bunker housing Bashan’s citizens. Many of the Orks expired under his squad’s fusillade, one tactical marine lobbing a frag grenade into their midst. The explosion threw bodies, but more came, trampling over their own wounded. Esha and his brothers braced themselves before greenskin clashed with green plate.

A brute in checkered armor and horned helm charged, roaring “WAAAGH!” before slicing at Esha with a crude axe. He sidestepped the blow before hammering the butt of his flamethrower into the beast’s head with enough force to cave a human’s skull. With a crack, several teeth flew out of its jaw.

Enraged, the Ork swung again. Its axe bit through adamantium and into the space marine’s left arm before slamming the flamethrower out of the Salamander’s weakened grip. Gritting his teeth, Esha ignored the pain before he countered by kicking low. Bone crunched as the greenskin’s kneecap shattered. It howled in agony as its stance wavered.

Time seemed to slow as both reached for their pistols and fired. The Ork’s slug bounced off the power armor as Esha’s bolt pierced the brute’s chest. He could already feel his Larraman’s cells cease his bleeding as the greenskin toppled to the ground before him. Finally, Esha retrieved his flamethrower before aiming it at the Ork. It snarled and spat at him before bathing in fire.

1. Make it epic
Warhammer is epic, mythic, poetic – always. Amp up the heroism and tragedy.
Remember that you’re telling epic tales about epic battles, with the miniatures
always at the heart of it – bring them to life in the coolest possible ways, but
remember to ground everything within the reality and internal logic of the universe.

3. Grab attention
The writing should be engaging from the first sentence – lead with something that
demands attention and makes the reader want to continue reading, something
awesome and impressive – you can contextualise and extrapolate later.

4. Plotting and Pacing
Maintain a good pace – something needs to happen in every scene to move the plot
forward and/or develop characters. Set things up and pay them off in the right way at
the right time. Focus on complications and consequences, not surprise reveals out of
left-field or random twists of fate. Adhere to an internal logic that fits the story.

6. Write about the miniatures...
Everything should be seen through the eyes of the characters, all of whom should
be easily identifiable as models. Be careful to stay within their frame of reference –
if your viewpoint character doesn’t know something, they can’t say or think it! Never
lapse into ‘word of god’ prose.

7. ...and the world they inhabit
Use the characters as the fulcrum for building a believable world. Give the
information that’s relevant and always strive for verisimilitude. The iconography and heraldry of the miniatures is vital as well, and should be celebrated in text as much
as in artwork and photographs. Describe what the characters see and feel of the
forces they fight with and against, in all their majesty and/or horror.

10. Make it Fantastical
The writing and the stories should never be prosaic, pedestrian or boring. Avoid
history lessons or ‘infodumps’ of exposition and background information – make it
exciting, vivid and evocative and get the essential information across through the
lens of the characters. And always, always show, don’t tell.

Dialogue Test (Also failed, 6/10)

The wind shrilled around the Land Speeder Storm as Sergeant Sicarus surveyed the plains before them. His attention fixed itself on the explosions at Bashan’s edge where he could see the green tide breaking down defenses and pouring into the city. With a scowl, he turned to assess his squad. Three scouts were seated next to him, while a fourth sat on the opposite side of the transport’s hold. The once boisterous squad was silent, one drumming his fingers against his rifle.

He pointed at the scout. “Initiate Constans, what is our mission?”

Constans startled before blurting, “Sir! We are to infiltrate and secure an elevated position to provide covering for a Salamander squad defending Bunker 42-3 from advance Ork units.”

“A simple mission that will offer significant protection for us. The Ultramarines do not waste Space Marines on pointless missions. Remember your training, and control your fear. You are its master, not the other way around.” His attention moved to a scout struggling with his rocket launcher. “Initiate Otho, why are the Salamanders defending the bunker?”

The burly scout replied, “Because the bunker is filled with weaklings too scared to fight.”

The environment switched from open grasslands to tight urban corridors. Sicarus growled, “No. They are protecting the Emperor’s loyal servants, who deserve our protection and our respect. Command your fear with your will; smothering it with anger is no substitute. Remember, we are the Angels of Death!”

“And we know no fear!” The squad shouted as one.

1. Make it epic
Warhammer is epic, mythic, poetic – always. Amp up the heroism and tragedy.
Remember that you’re telling epic tales about epic battles, with the miniatures
always at the heart of it – bring them to life in the coolest possible ways, but
remember to ground everything within the reality and internal logic of the universe.

2. Battles
Conflict should always be the focus – this doesn’t always need to be a fight; it
includes character conflicts and internal conflict, as long as they revolve around and
feed into warfare and battle, which should always be at the core.

3. Grab attention
The writing should be engaging from the first sentence – lead with something that
demands attention and makes the reader want to continue reading, something
awesome and impressive – you can contextualise and extrapolate later.

4
5. Characters
Your characters should feel like living and breathing people with their own values,
beliefs and drivers. They should be flawed, but awesome. Always consider why
they do what do they do, in the way that do it, and make the reader care about
them. Avoid passive characters and ‘Mary Sues’ who can do everything better than
everyone else. Ensure that your characters are all rooted within the Warhammer
universe and are appropriate to their faction and place in it.

9. Leave the Door Open
Hint at a wider universe. Don’t be afraid to leave dangling threads and open doors to
explore later – as long as it’s within the context of a tightly plotted story that wraps up
all the essential elements of the tale.

10. Make it Fantastical
The writing and the stories should never be prosaic, pedestrian or boring. Avoid
history lessons or ‘infodumps’ of exposition and background information – make it
exciting, vivid and evocative and get the essential information across through the
lens of the characters. And always, always show, don’t tell.

**Wulfmar**

After +80 days I got the rejection.

**Iapedus**

Wulfmar wrote:
After +80 days I got the rejection.

According to GW, I failed on all the criteria. Here are my test briefs:

Ditto - after waiting since March I finally got my reply today too, only to be told I had failed on 10/10 for both briefs!

I imagine you, like me, are wondering exactly how its possible to fail on all ten counts? I know its not Chekov or anything, but is it really 10/10 bad?

Spoiler:

Assignment 1:

The Warboss turned.

Vamtice gunned his jump pack, slamming into the immense bulk of the Ork and taking him clean off his feet. They smashed through the wall of the derelict Sanctum, Deathskull and Raven Guard as one, raining debris into the midnight air.

The ruin trembled under the impact. The blades, long and sharp, punched through the patchwork armour and grizzly trophies hanging around the Ork’s neck, plunging deep into the unresisting flesh and bone underneath.

The Captain looked up. Thick, viscous drool slowly issued between his adversary’s tusk-like teeth, glistening in the moonlight that streamed through the shattered roof. Flecks of blood slowly turning to smears, the saliva oozed onto the Vamtice’s breastplate, marring the polished sliver Aquila below.

The lightning claw crackled with energy, globules of its victim’s blood fizzing as it trickled down the blades. In the darkness, the distant thunder of battle raged.

A cough, or perhaps a laugh, broke the muffled silence. Vamtice met his enemy’s gaze. Slowly, through blood stained teeth, the Warboss’s grimace turn to a vile grin. The soft clink of metal on stone made the captain look down, just in time to see the small steel pin bouncing off the shattered rubble. In its hand, the greenskin held a rough cylinder of metal plates and spikes, unmistakably a looted imperial grenade.

Vamtice tried to jerk free, but with its last strength the Ork embraced the Captain for death, the laugh now unmistakable on its dying breath.
The world turned white.

Assignment 2:

‘You will all die this day!’

Daito struggled to be heard above the din of the Thunderhawk’s engines. The red clouds of dawn boiled past the viewports, hiding from view the beleaguered expanse of Far Hope’s cities below.

‘Of that, you can be sure!’

Thirty faces sat staring impassively ahead, the ruddy red lights of the compartment casting deep shadows. Their cropped dark hair and steel grey eyes the legacy of the Chapter, their armour’s simple heraldry the mark of the Ultramarines 10th company.

‘But tomorrow… tomorrow, you will be reborn!’

The Sergeant strode between the two rows of scouts, casting his gaze at each face in turn, waiting for his words to sink in. Not one man flinched.
‘Whether as an equal to your brother Astartes, or whether to find yourself bathing in infinite glory at the Emperor’s side – that – is up to you!’

The lights abruptly flicked to green, casting a sickly hue across the faces of the initiates. The whine of the aircraft’s engines reached their crescendo, and with a shuddering impact the vessel came to a halt on the surface. Daito, unfurling his bolter, reached up and hit the pulsing release rune.
‘This is the moment! This is the time to claim your prize!

He turned to take one last look at his charges. They stood ready, implacable determination wrought on their faces, weapons in hand. The ramp gave a metallic groan, and sunlight erupted into the cabin.

‘Come, Sons of Guilliman! For the Emperor!’

**Wulfmar**

Iapedus wrote:
Wulfmar wrote:
After +80 days I got the rejection.

According to GW, I failed on all the criteria. Here are my test briefs:

Ditto - after waiting since March I finally got my reply today too, only to be told I had failed on 10/10 for both briefs!

I imagine you, like me, are wondering exactly how its possible to fail on all ten counts? I know its not Chekov or anything, but is it really 10/10 bad?

Your work is good Iapedus, which leads me to one of the following conclusions:

1) The guys have already found what they wanted and aren't bothering to read other submissions
2) They aren't bothering to read submissions and are just writing them off
OR
3) They did read them and are being really sloppy with their feedback - copy and pasting the same drivel to everyone

**Iapedus**

Wulfmar wrote:

1) The guys have already found what they wanted and aren't bothering to read other submissions
2) They aren't bothering to read submissions and are just writing them off
OR
3) They did read them and are being really sloppy with their feedback - copy and pasting the same drivel to everyone

Yeah, I would agree with this - albeit more likely a combination of them all.

To that end, I don't think I will be resubmitting anything further...

**NoPoet**

Hi gents,

They are definitely reading things; when I asked them about it last Sunday at 5pm, they'd emailed me before lunchtime on Monday rejecting me but offering the test.

I asked for the test and they sent it within two hours.

Someone's there and they are very keen to get new submissions. However, once they get the submissions, they seem to be taking a long time to decide. Maybe it's because they're busy, maybe it's because more than one person has to verify each story, maybe some stories make it past the "slush pile" and need further consideration.

I submitted my stories yesterday night, a day before the week's deadline. I am not sure whether to expect a prompt or a late reply but I'm fine to wait, since everyone else has had to. I don't feel I'm special enough to get an immediate acceptance/rejection when nobody else has

However I agree it is infuriatingly hard to write for the BL, when they have very low-quality writers such as Ben Counter and C L Werner (although Werner tells some terrific stories, his style is verbose to the point where it slows everything down, and he forgets human beings suffer from fatigue).

EDIT: Then again Dan Abnett was pretty terrible when he started out and he's developed into one of the best authors I've read.

**NoPoet**

In addition to my previous post, here's some critique. This may seem harsh, but I'm doing no good if I'm not blunt, and I will expect the same treatment when I post my stuff after it gets accepted/rejected.

Themonk
1: The style is too conversational, reading more like a battle report than a dranatic action scene. They generally don't publish anything written in the present tense. The opening sentence is not attention-grabbing at all. The whole thing seems routine, as if the reader is detached from what's going on. I have knocked C L Werner in the past but read his book Blood for the Blood God as the action scenes are visceral and brutal; also try some of Abnett's later Gaunt's Ghosts novels, and the World Eaters Heresy novel (I forget its name).

2: Again, it's written in the present tense which they almost never use. This is much better than the first piece but avoid such statements as "Nesmith reiterates the plan", it just doesn't work and leaves us wondering what the plan is. The final lesson most certainly wasn't clear, it seems so convoluted and self-defeating it makes the sergeant look like a disciple of Tzeentch. Never, ever call a Space Marione Julian again, even if he is just a scout

Daveylove21
1: An interesting take on the requirement, I don't think anybody else will have written from the point of view of an observer, although that immediately detaches characters from the action. I think I know what you mean by "blue paint cracked a yellow grin" but it seemed a strange description. The Ork wins, which at least is original. You can't substitute a dramatic sequence of events with the words "with great skill" - show, don't tell.

2: I'm not sure if it's a good idea to use the same character/Chapter in both stories as it seems a bit uninspired, as if you were playing safe. What second front - the Imperium is surrounded.

There were a couple of punctuation mistakes in your work.

Darkhound
1: The action didn't start til halfway through - this seems like a compelling story, but they wanted an action scene. Three sentences in a row start with "The ork" - you need way more variety. Weirdly enough, my own story has the Marine losing a hand (well, an arm). I reckon that if you stick to the brief next time, you might be in with a shot. I'd definitely like to read more of your work.

2: Each what was a testament? Being genetically enhanced and therefore able to survive at high altitude has nothing to do with effort put in during initiation, unless you're trading in semantics, which should be avoided in this case. The dialogue was excellent and in keeping with the 40K style, making this the best effort so far.

I agree that it would be a shame if the GW don't pick you up one day - it's their loss if they don't... and ours, by extension.

Vangelis
1: This is another good one and it focuses totally on the combat and its two participants. It's really well written and I like the ending. It felt in-universe.

2: I didn't like the "Report enemy and troop" etc line, it felt artifical, delivered in a kind of disconnected way. Literally the ONLY other thing I didn't like was how you imply the scouts have been in action when this is meant to be their first mission. The final line is terrific -- I can *kind of* see why you were rejected because you didn't fulfil the brief for either story, but I'll be honest, you're another case of "It's the Games Workshop's loss".

Squidmanlolz
1: This wasn't apparently split into paragraphs, unless there was some weird formatting error when you copied and pasted it here. You should really read more books and see how they are formatted as you'll never be accepted until you correct this most basic error. Sorry to sound harsh - it looks to the GW like you haven't read anything they've printed.

2: Same formatting errors. Strange use of capitalisation in some of the sentences ("We March for Macragge" - why is march started with a capital M?). Scouts aren't Marines. They become Marines when they are elevated to full battle-brother after doing something ridiculously cool. The punctuation wasn't terrific either.

Despite my criticism, your writing most certainly does not suck, you just need to get the basics in place so keep writing and keep reading.

Dark Lord Seanron
Interesting, though I highly doubt you'd get anything published that was written from the perspective of a bird - is the bird supposed to be feeling the visceral power of the fight inside its pigeon breast? Does it understand the significance of a battle between man and ork? I've got to say you took a brave and highly stylistic approach, I personally wouldn't have taken a risk like that but it would certainly get you attention.

**Dark Lord Seanron**

NoPoet wrote:
In addition to my previous post, here's some critique. This may seem harsh, but I'm doing no good if I'm not blunt, and I will expect the same treatment when I post my stuff after it gets accepted/rejected.

Dark Lord Seanron
Interesting, though I highly doubt you'd get anything published that was written from the perspective of a bird - is the bird supposed to be feeling the visceral power of the fight inside its pigeon breast? Does it understand the significance of a battle between man and ork? I've got to say you took a brave and highly stylistic approach, I personally wouldn't have taken a risk like that but it would certainly get you attention.

Seeing as it's third person, I wouldn't say it's from the perspective or opinion of anything involved in the story itself.

The bird, be it a pigeon, stork, raptor or even Big Bird from Sesame Street, is just a framing device

**NoPoet**

It's my mistake then, sorry. I guess that shows how easily someone can misinterpret a piece of writing - it's scary that people at the GW may do that in some cases (everyone's human at the end of the day) but they're less likely to make such basic errors. Hopefully...

Before I critique the rest I should say how much I appreciate the guts people showed to post their work here. The natural inclination when a story is rejected may be to print it out, flush it down the toilet and deny all knowledge of it, I know it is for me, so well done to all the authors who've had the courage to guide the rest of us with their examples.

Tapedus
1: That first sentence needs burning with fire - it would be fine anywhere else but as an opening, it may have killed your chances (assuming they read through 300 other stories already and were out of patience). Your story is actually rather awesome with a really good and memorable ending -- but there's no clear victor here, so I guess it fails the brief, which is a shame. By the way - Ork bones are unlikely to be "unresisting", Orks are the embodiment of physical hardiness.

2: The dialogue is just epic, I read it several times. I really liked this piece - maybe the best piece so far. Not sure why they declined you on the strength of this.

Gromgor
1: Very nice use of imagery, with a strong sense of being trapped in hell or a nightmare, but I'm not sure which monster in 40K has an orange face with black sunbeams, and the actual opponent is only identified as an Ork halfway through. Although I'm not too sure that the smell of burning propellant and rubber wouldn't be similar to sulphur, or hellish in their own way.

2: Another one where Scouts are referred to as Marines. They aren't battle-brothers yet. There are significant errors here: “Today, you recruits will cease to be recruits,” the scouts snapped to attention at Balor’s words“, today... which will certainly have failed you; best case scenario, they'll think you didn't proof-read it. The part about the unlucky scout was highly unusual and stayed with me afterward - that really did pique my interest.

Whitetornado
1: It's not clear who's doing what at the beginning. The whole first paragraph is unnecessary as it doesn't focus on the fight, which according to the brief should be central. Potentially a good call on "Astarte" but I've never seen the GW use this word, they seem to stick with "Astartes" even when talking in the singular. I didn't like the use of "getting", not sure if they would care either way.

2: You apparently missed a capital W on "We are the bulwarks..." and I wasn't clear who was examining what blade right at the end. I think the best bet would be for you to get a friend to read your work to see if it's clear to them who is actually doing what, as what seems obvious to the writer can be unclear for the reader. You also use the omniscient viewpoint where all the characters' thoughts and feelings are exposed. IIRC the GW don't like this.

Captain Galenus
1: I really, really liked this one, the dialogue made me chuckle, it was funny while still being characterful for Astartes. Power Armoured didn't need capitalising. Being very picky, the "his sword-master's comment" initially seems like it's referring to the Ork rather than Dragut, though that may just be me. Generally it felt more like a Heresy piece than a 40K piece; the Astartes are so much more likeable, more characterful, in the Heresy novels.

2: Being picky again, the silence wasn't broken if they were just all talking. You capitalise a few words that don't need it, and would a scout sergeant be standing in front of his young charges blithely talking about the powers of the warp? The fluff is in flux; twenty years ago, the entire group of them would have been executed for that conversation, if they even knew about daemons at all, but it's not really clear in today's fluff how much anyone knows about anything.

A THOUGHT ABOUT REJECTION

I notice one or two people have been rejected, but have had offers to submit brand new stories.

I would suggest this means you have passed their test regardless that your test pieces were rejected.

This would mean that you stand a chance of getting somewhere with them.

I am starting to believe this whole test is an exercise in rejection, to see who copes with it and keeps coming back for more, and for them to earmark upcoming talent. They want to offer an open door to certain writers while not actively pursuing them. We represent a potential risk to them if they chase up to work for them and we submit something that doesn't live up to their standards.

Go away RIGHT NOW and think about the kind of stories you want to tell. Write the first 1,000 words or so. Write a synopsis of the entire story. Think of an awesome, evocative title. This whole process may take you several days or weeks.

Then do it all again once, twice, five, ten times if they said you can contact them with new "stories" or "ideas" - don't bombard them if they appear to only be asking for one story.

Don't give up, don't get discouraged, and most of all DO NOT LET THEM DOWN. Most publishers are not going to give new writers the come-on, the opening with GW is extremely small, you must take the shot when it is offered.

I failed to do this in 2000 when Christian Dunn sent me a lengthy personal response. I submitted a whole ream of ideas in response to his email. He wanted to see three of my ideas turned into stories (two 40K, one Warhammer), but I chickened out.

Very soon after, the Shia Calpurnia novels were released, which seemed similar (but not identical) to one of my proposals. A few years later, Ben Counter released a Grey Knights novel that was *very* similar to one of my 40K proposals. I'm not saying anything dodgy happened, I'm saying don't miss your fething chance.

**DarkHound**

Man, okay, you convinced me. Let's get back on that horse, right boys?

**NoPoet**

Here's more inspiration:

Turn the volume up

**Las**

Repost from the first thread:

Las wrote:
Welp, if my situation is typical, it looks like you get three shots. Here's the final set I sent in. If anyone wants a look at the others, lemme know.

I:

Sergeant Carodar’s blade shone in the burning sky as the Assault Marines burst from the Stormraven Gunship. The squad swept onto the wreckage of the Munitorum structure, jump packs screaming. A blistering torrent of Ork shoota fire answered their attack, knocking three of their number from the air. Carodar roared an oath of vengeance and barrelled into the Orks. His power sword chewed through the first of them, colouring the ornate heraldry of the Blood Angel’s armour with viscera.

Carodar ducked an incoming barrage of fire as a wave of Stormboyz counterattacked. Their black-checkered Rokkit-Packs howled, filling the sky with Orks. Carodar kicked a body off the end of his blade and launched himself to meet them. He slammed into the largest of the Goffs in mid-air, cracking its bones against his pauldron. The Stormboy bellowed in rage and hacked its choppa at weak points in Carodar’s armour. Both combatants hit the ground.

They rolled in bitter struggle. The Ork bashed its head against Carodar’s helm, blackening his vision. It kicked him away savagely. Carodar’s hearts skipped as he felt himself plummet over the edge of the structure. The Ork lunged for the kill. It gunned its Rokkit-Pack, chasing him into freefall. Carodar struggled for his bolt pistol, drawing it as his enemy struck. The weapon blasted through the open air, rending the Stormboy in a hail of bolterfire.

Engaging his jump pack, Carodar let the dead Ork fall past him as he ascended back into the carnage of battle.

II:

The launch bay of the Ultramar’s Gift was mad with activity. Servitors made last minute adjustments to Drop Pods in deadpan automation while Tactical Squads of the Ultramarines chapter fitted themselves for war. The howling of hydraulic machinery echoed through the cathedral-like space as chapter serfs prepped Predator Tanks for transport. Amongst the disciplined efficiency of the assault preparations were five scouts of the Tenth Company. They knelt on the cold deck, cleaning their sniper rifles one last time before drop. The liberation of Charachus IV was to be their first mission and the chapter demanded nothing less than victory.

“Squad to attention!” shouted Sergeant Marius. The five scouts snapped up expertly, sniper rifles pressed against their chests. “Forget everything you know about our previous objectives.”

The untested scouts exchanged curious glances.

“Do not be surprised,” Marius continued, “War changes. To adapt despite uncertainty, that is your duty. Hours ago, the Cadian 388th reported sighting Ticheron, Lord of the Iron Warriors assaulting Hive Almserstadt.” He paused, letting the gravity of the words sink in. “Our mission has changed from reconnaissance to extermination. We will locate the enemy commander and visit upon him the Primarch’s wrath.”

The scouts barked their martial approval. Marius could see the fire in their eyes, their longing to prove themselves against the chapter’s greatest enemies. Yet he was pensive, for he knew that many of his men would not live to don the black carapace.

“Ultramarines,” he bellowed as worlds burned below them “Prepare for drop!”

**Iapedus**

DarkHound wrote:Man, okay, you convinced me. Let's get back on that horse, right boys?

Lets do this!

NoPoet wrote:Tapedus
1: That first sentence needs burning with fire - it would be fine anywhere else but as an opening, it may have killed your chances (assuming they read through 300 other stories already and were out of patience). Your story is actually rather awesome with a really good and memorable ending -- but there's no clear victor here, so I guess it fails the brief, which is a shame. By the way - Ork bones are unlikely to be "unresisting", Orks are the embodiment of physical hardiness.

2: The dialogue is just epic, I read it several times. I really liked this piece - maybe the best piece so far. Not sure why they declined you on the strength of this.

Thanks for the feedback man, very much appreciated. That first sentence was originally a paragraph, but was subjected to some brutal trimming to get the word count down. I ended up trying to keep it minimal for impact, but you are right it just reads as too casual. Anyway, having read your post I am going to get this resubmission done today. Cheers

**Wulfmar**

Please let us know if you get anything other than a copy-pasted 'no criteria met' response.

**NoPoet**

Wulfmar, I made a Facebook post the other day:

"Right, my writing is with the publisher. If they like me, they'll ignore me for a month before rejecting me but inviting me to submit new ideas -- if they do that I'm in, unless I [censored by Inkies] it up."

If my rejection doesn't include an invitation for new ideas, I'll know they didn't care for my style. But I'll send them new ideas anyway

**NoPoet**

Bottle
1: While this doesn't feature the same character as your second story, maybe you should have stayed away from having both stories about Scouts... not sure that's valid feedback, it just doesn't show as much variation as you're capable of. I LOVED the way the lights keep going on and off, it's highly distinctive and easy to visualise. I didn't like "his life withered away", it was cliched and counter-intuitive to being caught in a power claw which crushes you or snips you in half, it doesn't drain your life force.

2: Not sure Space Marines get court-martialled, but it's a hell of a way to grab the attention. We normally only see "perfect" Space Marines who can do no wrong. There were a couple of punctuation errors, mainly missing commas to break up sentences of speech, but you missed a full stop too. The image of a scout sergeant weeping due to broken faith was very striking. Why was he court-martialled - for his lack of faith or for sending them on a death mission?

It sounds like they liked you and wanted you to re-apply, and I cannot blame them at all

Gallus
1: Not too sure about the punctuation in your first sentence. I actually really enjoyed this, it was full of character. "The" does not need capitalising in "the Emperor" unless it starts the sentence.

2: This is another one where the writer has written about the same character in both pieces. Again, not sure what the GW thinks of this but I wouldn't take it as a sign of inventiveness or creativity (that doesn't mean you haven't got either ability, it's just how it might come across, especially if I was looking for reasons to reject someone). The only other real criticism is that you just presented one paragraph which isn't quite as easy to read or eye-catching as splitting it up would be.

You did submit these in the correct order, didn't you? Because you posted them in the wrong order here. That would have been an instant fail from the GW.

Aalidakh
1: I was confused - who was the human protagonist here? I understood the brief was one ork versus one human. You certainly had the visceral element here, but it was kind of omniscient rather than bring focused on the thoughts and feelings of one man. I think you may have failed the "leave the door open" because your final statement kind of ends the story.

2: I regularly read punctuational (is that a word? My spell checker says no) weirdness around speech and I'm sure if must drive the GW fething nuts. Your speech-related punctuation is greatly superior to most fanfiction writers, but there's an error in this sentence: Trevian did not hesitate, “A bottleneck, Sir.” You should start a new sentence when a new character speaks - don't just use a comma.

That raises a point which bugs me about fanfiction in general: some writers come across like they either do not read books, or do not learn anything from the books they do read. This does NOT apply to you personally; your writing is good and shows promise. It was brave of you to post what they failed you on and they seem excessively harsh in your and other cases.

Akrgath
1: Your use of paragraphs seems odd - is this a formatting thing from pasting into this thread? How did you fail on leaving the door open? It seems like you left it open well enough. This piece seemed entirely in the GW's colour text style, the only distraction was the weird paragraphing.

2: More weird formatting. My hearty congratulations on getting the punctuation right when a character's speech continues in a new paragraph! Almost no-one seems to know how to do this. I enjoyed this piece as well and would be happy to read more of your work.

It was extremely useful of you to include what each story failed on and some of the fails (as for other writers too) seemed weird or harsh. Why are they failing the second pieces on "battles", it's supposed to be a briefing or a speech, not a fight scene! By the way, "into" is one word

Dicrel Seijin
1: Every sentence starts passively. Thumbing the activation rune, Fe’ron hacked down with his ornate chainsword should be Fe'ron thumbed the activation rune and hacked down with his ornate chainsword. I didn't feel any emotion or characterisation at all in this piece.

2: On one scout, Cyprian regarded the emerging smirk. “Alexandros, what is warfare to the Great Enemy?” Again this is weak writing and potentially confusing. You can strengthen it tremendously, make it real and immediate (and also it would make more sense) by stating Cyprian read one scout's emerging smirk.
"Alexandros, what is..."

**Akragth**

NoPoet wrote:
Akrgath
1: Your use of paragraphs seems odd - is this a formatting thing from pasting into this thread? How did you fail on leaving the door open? It seems like you left it open well enough. This piece seemed entirely in the GW's colour text style, the only distraction was the weird paragraphing.

2: More weird formatting. My hearty congratulations on getting the punctuation right when a character's speech continues in a new paragraph! Almost no-one seems to know how to do this. I enjoyed this piece as well and would be happy to read more of your work.

It was extremely useful of you to include what each story failed on and some of the fails (as for other writers too) seemed weird or harsh. Why are they failing the second pieces on "battles", it's supposed to be a briefing or a speech, not a fight scene! By the way, "into" is one word

Thanks for the kind words. It's a nice idea you have, to give feedback to everyone. Especially when so most probably aren't used to submitting their writing to a company in such a manner.

I actually write professionally, albeit that what I write for work isn't fiction, so I'd hope to have an at least basic idea of grammar and format structure. The ''in to'' thing was a strange oversight on my part, and wasn't caught by my proofreader either! The paragraphs here were indeed weird (since corrected), because the actual document was formatted as per novel layout, and the indenting didn't carry over to here.

And I agree, I've seen some fairly strange failed criteria given to several posters. I'd assume that GW had a decent volume of submissions to work through, and some were undoubtedly terrible, but it still felt like they hadn't thoroughly read some of the ones posted here. I suppose the cynic in me isn't surprised that GW seemed a bit half arsed in this process, especially compared to the publishing houses and magazines I've submitted stuff to in the past.

**NoPoet**

No worries mate. Part of me dislikes doing this because it's a bit late for people now, and I've got no more chance of acceptance than anyone else, plus I've already noticed several problems with my own entries. The last thing I want to do is upset people or seem holier-than-thou.

On the other hand, maybe it does help people to know the GW was insane to not accept them, and we've looked at the probability that some people have attracted interest from the GW despite apparent rejections.

I only pray I'm going to receive a "no thanks, but feel free to send more stuff" email too.

**Las**

Take an axe to mine

**NoPoet**

If anyone wants to PM me any writing they are planning to submit I would be happy to offer suggestions. Bear in mind that it seems the GW is rejecting everyone's first attempts, so I can't promise my feedback will do much good

Themanwiththeplan
There were a number of punctuation errors throughout, particularly around the dialogue, which is an area lots of potential writers struggle with. You need to read more of the Black Library novels to see how experienced authors handle speech. Also, as previously pointed out, the ork does not talk like an ork at all, it sounds more like he's possessed by a daemon or something, and it's humie, not ummie.

Whitetornado - additional critique
1: I wasn't crazy about where you placed the first two semi-colons as I felt commas would have been better there. Semi-colons break up a sentence into two parts or separate items on a list, where commas simply slow the reader down a bit. I loved the line "driving as far as the teeth would tear", that was savage.

2: I was a bit confused about who was who here. Is Caius a scout or another sergeant, as I got the impression he was a sergeant given that you say "his squad", though maybe that's just me. I also wasn't sure about why Sergeant Horatio was mentioned in the context of this very short story but I'm guessing this was your intent to give the piece a wider context, for the "leave the door open" criteria.

It's interesting they invited you to try again on the same brief. Is this what they said to certain other applicants, or are they saying this to everyone? You should most certainly try again, do not give up, they probably wouldn't ask you if they thought you sucked.

Simison
1: I know you put "failed 6/10", however you PASSED 4/10, which is higher than most people. This isn't to make other people feel bad, merely that they must have been paying more attention to you, so you should be pleased with this score

This was by far one of the BEST battle scenes, it got me energised straight away, you can't start off better than a blazing flamer. Impossible to believe this failed on the "grab your attention" count.

2: I really liked this one as well. The dialogue was good, showing character, and I loved the scout being reprimanded for calling the Salamanders cowards, it showed his bravado and his focus on fighting orks rather than defending civilians. The only critique really is, why was one scout sat on his own? If he was the one with the missile launcher that would actually have been quite funny.

Las
1: It's hard to imagine the combatants rolling while wearing jump packs - the Marine's especially. It's not impossible though, they'd just be more likely to get stuck. If you had taken this further, hearing fuel slosh around the Stormboy's tanks would have been awesome. The idea of them fighting in freefall was certainly epic.

2: Tactical squads doesn't need capitals. Predator does as it's a name, Tanks does not as it's a description. Tenth Company, yeah, I probably would go with capitals since it's a name, I'm actually not sure whether or not this would be a problem. When people do use capitals where they aren't needed I wonder why they didn't just put [TM] at the end, or worse italicise it, like they started doing with LotR character names in White Dwarf, which was infuriating.

Wouldn't it be "as the world burned below them", and he would just say "Forget your previous objectives" -- it's nitpicky, but it's highly unlikely he would want them to forget all the combat data they'd assimilated, even if he was changing the target. Space Marines are the best of the best, they're certainly not as ignorant as the rest of the Imperium. Other than that it was jolly good and I enjoyed reading it.

I'm sorry, I don't know how I missed your work the first time around.

There are common themes between all of us: we're not including all five senses. We omit smell, taste, touch and sound in some or all cases. Maybe this is part of "making it epic" by connecting the reader and the characters emotionally and physically to the environment.

If anyone wants to proof read my own work I can PM them my story samples. Don't want to paste them in the thread yet.

**simison**

NoPoet wrote:
If anyone wants to PM me any writing they are planning to submit I would be happy to offer suggestions. Bear in mind that it seems the GW is rejecting everyone's first attempts, so I can't promise my feedback will do much good

Simison
1: I know you put "failed 6/10", however you PASSED 4/10, which is higher than most people. This isn't to make other people feel bad, merely that they must have been paying more attention to you, so you should be pleased with this score This was by far one of the BEST battle scenes, it got me energised straight away, you can't start off better than a blazing flamer. Impossible to believe this failed on the "grab your attention" count.

2: I really liked this one as well. The dialogue was good, showing character, and I loved the scout being reprimanded for calling the Salamanders cowards, it showed his bravado and his focus on fighting orks rather than defending civilians. The only critique really is, why was one scout sat on his own? If he was the one with the missile launcher that would actually have been quite funny.

There are common themes between all of us: we're not including all five senses. We omit smell, taste, touch and sound in some or all cases. Maybe this is part of "making it epic" by connecting the reader and the characters emotionally and physically to the environment.

If anyone wants to proof read my own work I can PM them my story samples. Don't want to paste them in the thread yet.

Why thank you! Both for the praise and the attention to my attempt.

As to your one critique, honestly, I think that lone scout is the one holding the rocket launcher, but I had to admit that one detail because of the 250 word limit. Either that, or I was struggling with getting a proper idea on how marines fit into a Storm. (We Blood Angels still don't have that one piece of tech.)

Since you've been kind enough to give me a critique, I'd be happy to return the favor in a PM.

**Las**

Thanks for the words. You can PM me yours if you like.

**AlexHolker**

NoPoet wrote:
A THOUGHT ABOUT REJECTION

I notice one or two people have been rejected, but have had offers to submit brand new stories.

I would suggest this means you have passed their test regardless that your test pieces were rejected.

This would mean that you stand a chance of getting somewhere with them.

I am starting to believe this whole test is an exercise in rejection, to see who copes with it and keeps coming back for more, and for them to earmark upcoming talent. They want to offer an open door to certain writers while not actively pursuing them. We represent a potential risk to them if they chase up to work for them and we submit something that doesn't live up to their standards.

Or they are negging you to groom you to be a doormat. If GW treats you with contempt during the recruitment process, it's probably because they're looking for someone they can treat with contempt later.

**Bottle**

NoPoet wrote:
Bottle
1: While this doesn't feature the same character as your second story, maybe you should have stayed away from having both stories about Scouts... not sure that's valid feedback, it just doesn't show as much variation as you're capable of. I LOVED the way the lights keep going on and off, it's highly distinctive and easy to visualise. I didn't like "his life withered away", it was cliched and counter-intuitive to being caught in a power claw which crushes you or snips you in half, it doesn't drain your life force.

2: Not sure Space Marines get court-martialled, but it's a hell of a way to grab the attention. We normally only see "perfect" Space Marines who can do no wrong. There were a couple of punctuation errors, mainly missing commas to break up sentences of speech, but you missed a full stop too. The image of a scout sergeant weeping due to broken faith was very striking. Why was he court-martialled - for his lack of faith or for sending them on a death mission?

It sounds like they liked you and wanted you to re-apply, and I cannot blame them at all

Thank you very much for reading! I was on the fence about reapplying but after reading this I feel I will.

Your criticisms are all valid, the "withered away" was chosen at length but I still wasn't happy with it. Glad you liked the light flashing on and off, I thought it gave the piece a fast pace.

With the second the idea was he was court martialed for expressing his doubt and loss of faith in front of the scribe servitor. I always liked the darker side of Space Marines than the heroic edge.

Thanks again for taking the time to review everyone