Ollanius Pius Requiem - A Sororitas/Guard story of song, bloodshed, & incompetence

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**SisterSydney**

In case anyone gets confused, I've just edited the thread title to add a little preview of what the story's about (sort of).

**squidhills**

I liked this very much! My only suggestion would be to add a bit more descriptive clarification in the dialogue-heavy segments, if only to make it more clear exactly whom is speaking each line.

**SisterSydney**

Suggestions helpful. I do have multiple speakers bouncing about and sometimes distinctive turns of phrase aren't enough to help readers keep track.

**SisterSydney**

I've just posted the latest installment, which chronologically would actually be the first... yeah, it's like that. More critiques much appreciated: The Beginning

**SisterSydney**

And the final story in the series -- and, hey, aren't I glad I gave that Guardsman a name, because it comes up again -- is now posted: Dancing with the Astartes.

**KesaAnna**

Again, loved the character development, loved the imagery.

I love the way they talk.

So sad ! But I love sad stories . It's not a good story if there's not a good cry in it.

Actually I think Portia WOULD have been right, if her motive had not been what it was.

Presumably, this is not a police action , but a military action , and presumably the enemy is in the vicinity , though I don't know their precise identity.
Given that ; What if the target had been , for example, a Harlequin ?
To take the time to identify the target could be time sufficient to get two , or three, or the whole squad, killed. Perhaps better to be safe than sorry ? Friendly fire tragedies are going to happen.
But, yeah, her actual motivation was deplorable.
I guess she's supposed to be a jerk. But I felt sorry for her in her failing of character.

**SisterSydney**

Portia is in fact supposed to be a reference to minor Harry Potter villainess Pansy Parkington, but I got the name wrong (and decided not to change it later). And, yes, she is awful. "Toxic leadership" is one applicable term.

You could make the case for pulling the trigger on an unidentified target, but Portia is clearly going too fast. Even if the building were full of hostiles and she knew it, she should still be moving more slowly up the stairs so she doesn't run into an ambush.

Also, if a bunch of Novices (or adult Sisters) gets into melee with Harlequins, they're toast no matter what they do....