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OK this isn't quite the start but more part of my idea
Any feedback would be great

This is about the Cadian Armored 144th regiment
I have the start of the prologue and one of the first chapters mostly done.


Tank-
"The new Champion of Cadia"
Crew-
Commander - Thule
main gunner - Wulfe
Driver - Holtz
Loader - Varrick
Sponson Gunners - Vies and Kreig




Prologue

One hundred miles above Idragon aboard the fleets command ship "shadows Fury" commanders from most regiments were meeting with General Karias for a short breifing.
"Ok gentlemen I'm going to keep this short and simple," Genral Karias explained "We need to retake the planet within two months. It has been over run recently chaos , we need
to destroy this threat. Captain Hazon you and your 3rd company deploy in the center of the capital Solhan via drop pods." Hazon was massive even for a space marine, his eyes
were what scarred people most blazing red also his onyx black skin which was another terrifying feature of the salamanders chapter.
"All Imperial guard regiments will deploy in the large open areas shown." General Karias pointed to a holo map showing the planet with red dots showing where they would be
deployed there were also blue dots to show key strategic points, a large concentration of blue dots were in the capital but others were doted all over the planet probably some
shrines of sorts.
"OK Men lets move out we deploy in five hours."

ill write up the other part i've written in a little while it might take me a while to type it up..
please leave comments on what you think off it!

A tank based/focused story could be very interseting indeed. I would recommend posting in as small 'episodes' as possible, in my experience on dakka fiction people quite enjoy this format.

Thanks you for that advice i will save it for another day and post in segments

nothing?

Tbh there's not much to go off, there isn't much to set a scene here, also try not to use to many inverted comma's and don't generalise for example: 'It has been over run recently by chaos' could easily be turned into two paragraphs about the background of the planets fall and the intel gathered about the forces that have been built since. remember this is a briefing, although the imperial guard are known to be gung ho "there's the bad guys kill 'em" no sane commander would just tell his men to run into battle blindly.

Again there are examples where i feel your trying to get the message out but your not elaborating enough, your idea's are sound and you've got lots to build on.

i guess I'm saying don't rush it, let the story unfold, don't force it, let it tell itself. you'll be on to a winner.

Pete


oh as a parting shot, don't be afraid to re-write, then re-write then re-write again. if you ever go through the submission process with a publishing firm they'll probably demand a re-write of any work you hand to them simply to see if you can and will and too see if you can make it even more exciting (yes they're that brutal)

Agree with Melonfish. I didn't get any replies until i had actually got stuck into the story myself. We need to see if you've got the writing chops to back up the ambitious premise.

i'll re write this first and try and improve it asmuch as I can

Sounds good, look forward to it
i might dig out my old writing actually and see if i can re-vamp it.
Pete

I'm in the midst of attempting to write a novel myself Vulkan_He'stan, although, I'm finding it rather hard tbh, atm that is, my little 14 year old brain is malfunctining, lol. What I find useful when writing short storys and especially essays for school, start at the most exciting parts you think, like any huge gigantic battles and that sort of stuff, then, patch it together with sci-fi magic. Hope I've helped slightly and not interfered.

my god crimson fist its like you could be my twin

I wrote a big battle that isn't to far in + this prolouge

Vulkan, good luck on your novel and don't feel bad if you don't get a lot of responses. I've been writing and posting on dakka for over a year and it took most of that time before i started to get some regular posters and good feedback. Keep at it and you'll start to see the response, but I wouldn't expect much right away or much of anything until you've at least posted your first chapter. Either way, I look forward to your tank oriented story.

A word of advice, As others stated above, little meat to that above, more dtails, why they are there, what they plan to do, and other juicy details need to be fleshed out.

BUT the big thing is that if you post your novel ideas anywhere other than your submission to the Black Library when you finish writing it, they won't likely accept it. They seem to be "funny" that way.

@shaso Yhea I'm only going to post little bits of it. I guess its as anyone could go and take it of the website.

Thanks for all the replies
am rewriting this atm

Prologue

One hundred miles above Idragon aboard the fleets command ship "shadows Fury" commanders from most regiments were meeting with General Karias for a short breifing.
"Ok gentlemen I'm going to keep this short and simple," Genral Karias explained "We need to retake the planet within two months. It has been over run recently chaos , we need
to destroy this threat."
One month ago psychic screams echoed from the planet. the scream were a plea for help the planet had been over run by a curse, the curse of unbelief. it had started with one
or two then as those two had infected others the curse grew, until most of the planet was taken. There was no cure apart from killing the infected, they couldn't be turned to belive
in the god emperor again.
"Captain Hazon you and your 3rd company deploy in the center of the capital Solhan via drop pods." Hazon was massive even for a space marine, his eyes
were what scarred people most blazing red also his onyx black skin which was another terrifying feature of the salamanders chapter.
"All Imperial guard regiments will deploy in the large open areas shown." General Karias pointed to a holo map showing the planet with red dots showing where they would be
deployed there were also blue dots to show key strategic points, a large concentration of blue dots were in the capital but others were doted all over the planet probably some
shrines of sorts.
"OK Men lets move out we deploy in five hours."

quite a bit more bulked out for you hope you enjoy and more critisism wanted

try and be careful with your writing, it can be hard to read when the lines of text cut of and carry on without proper paragraphing (ie) General Karias pointed to a holo map showing the planet with red dots showing where they would be
deployed there were also blue dots to show key strategic points,

Could be written as:
General Karias pointed to a holo map showing the planet with red dots showing where they would be deployed there were also blue dots to show key strategic points,

other than that great

I like it good luck

This is pretentious rubbish. Why is it getting applauded? He's written all of 250 words and calls it a prologue to his novel, which is at best unrealistic. Vulkan needs tremendous work on his diction, structure, and grammar.

Vulkan, you need to finish school and master English. Don't be afraid to post on Dakka fiction; writing more is the only way you'll improve. You need to understand that what you have isn't even close to publishable. If you really want to learn to write well, I suggest finding an author who's style you enjoy and would like to emulate. Maybe a Black Library author like Graham McNeil would be a good place to start. Study how he writes; re-write his pages word for word, punctuation and all. Also try showing your work to your English teachers so they can give you specific advice, maybe even something like tutoring. I showed Mr. Mesuda tons of my work in junior year of high school, and he helped me focus and improve tremendously.

@darkhound

Dont you dare tell someone their writing is no good, if someone wants to write something then its up to them to do so, if you dont like it dont comment, i see noone else complaining and im certainly not, you have no right to tell someone that their writing is rubbish

I'll call a spade a spade. Applauding him will not help if he does aim, even passingly, to write a novel. Anyone can improve and better themselves, and my review may have been scathing, but he needs more work than others have suggested.

Sure but you dont have to be a twit about it, i see this time and time again i dakka, why cant people just make their point nicely then move on?

There is absolutely no benifit in calling something someone writes "pretentious rubbish" all it is doing psycologically is making them less inclined to want to write again.

Doing that to some one who may have fantastic idea but cant translate them properly is like shooting a newborn animal, it has no chance to grow, give the guy a break, oh and vulkan, i heartily disagree with him, yes your grammar and spelling need a touch of work but the material is still fantastic.

Sure, I was a jerk. I'm sorry Vulkan. However, my points all still stand. If he intends to write a novel, his grammar, punctuation and structure will need to be perfect. Keep editing what you've written until there are no squiggly lines on Microsoft Word and you'll get there in no time.

Thats fair enough, i see no problems there

and thanks for not keeping on with that darkhound, i really hate it when people carry on with something they know is wrong

I started writing this mainly because i had to do lots of writing to improve my handwriting. I could barely read my own hand writing some times.
I would refuse to do it the first few days,l but eventually my dad got me to write something this was at like 10 at night and I was tired but I really enjoyed it.
In the morning I read it back and it made no sense but I could guess the basic story line I had, had to rewrite it about 5 time before i was happy with it and
am still adding to now. Thats the big battle part I will be posting soon.

I'm still adding to the prologue like I said I have the start of the prologue

Sounds pretty good. Good luck

ok edited and added a bit still not completed yet though

One hundred miles above Idragon aboard the fleets command ship "shadows Fury" commanders from most regiments were meeting with General Karias for a short briefing.
"Ok gentlemen I'm going to keep this short and simple," General Karias explained "We need to retake the planet within two months. It has been overrun recently Chaos, we need to destroy this threat."

One month ago psychic screams echoed from the planet. The screams were a plea for help the planet had been overrun by a curse, the curse of unbelief. it had started with one
or two then as those two had infected others the curse grew, until most of the planet was taken. There was no cure apart from killing the infected, they couldn't be turned to believe
in the god emperor again.

"Captain Hazon you and your 3rd company deploy in the centre of the capital Solhan via drop pods." Hazon was massive even for a space marine, his eyes were what scarred people most blazing red
also his onyx black skin which was another terrifying feature of the salamander’s chapter.

"All Imperial guard regiments will deploy in the large open areas shown." General Karias pointed to a holo map showing the planet with red dots showing where they would be deployed there were
also blue dots to show key strategic points, a large concentration of blue dots were in the capital but others were doted all over the planet probably some shrines of sorts.
"OK Men let’s move out we deploy in five hours."

As Thule left the command room he heard running behind him, he turned around to see a young looking officer. “Captain Thule I’m captain Kambon of the Mordian 128th artillery regiment we will be
fighting alongside you from the landings I just wanted to speak to you about some tactics-” Thule cut in “ok. Don’t hit my men, kill the enemies. Got it?” Kambon nodded taken aback ”good, now go get ready.”

Tyranic Marta wrote:@darkhound

Dont you dare tell someone their writing is no good

Telling people their work is no good is the only way they'll improve. Whenever I show someone my work, I like all the good comments, but I like the comments telling me which bits are bad even more (but only if they're constructive). Wrapping someone in cotton wool isn't going to help them. The truth hurts, it does, but it's a necessary evil; if you let people go around thinking that they're onto a masterpiece then they won't seek to improve until they show their stuff to the wrong person (a publisher or professional, or even a hardcore writing forum) and get laughed out of the place.

In the end, it comes down to what will hurt the writer more; telling them they need to improve early on, or leaving it until they're chewed up and spat out by a ruthless critic.

Obviously any criticism they get needs to be constructive, but harsh criticism is always better than no criticism at all.

TL;DR - Wrapping him in cotton wool will hurt his writing more than exposing him to crticism will.

(or leaving it until they're chewed up and spat out by a ruthless critic.)

Like what just happened you mean? @avatar720

Far from it.

If you only read: "This is pretentious rubbish. Why is it getting applauded? He's written all of 250 words and calls it a prologue to his novel, which is at best unrealistic. Vulkan needs tremendous work on his diction, structure, and grammar."

Then yes, but you need to concentrate on the following paragraph, the one that told him how to better himself. The first paragraph was just criticism, it was the second that made it the post constructive and consequently, useful.