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If i have my math right, you could possibly make them commit sucide and then bury them in a cementary in unmarked graves. Problem is getting into an unmarked grave site, remove all identification before hand burn parts of the identity...
OR

You throw an animal trap at the person at a zoo, (Before hand turn off the cameras) person gets trapped seems like he tripped and died in the tiger exhibt with animal bait on him.

or

Destroy the body using liquid nitrogen and then burn the remains into ash. /done

Get access to an ocean-going vessel. Take a voyage and dump remains overboard. They'll never find it.

Oh wait, in fiction? NVM then.

 CuddlySquig wrote:
Get access to an ocean-going vessel. Take a voyage and dump remains overboard. They'll never find it.

Oh wait, in fiction? NVM then.

there have been cases of them showing up Irl.

 nomsheep wrote:


there have been cases of them showing up Irl.

Yeah, I remember that case in Australia where the shark ate it and then got caught.

However, frankly you guys are rank amateurs.

1) The great lakes are excellent dumping grounds for unwanted former associates. Too deep to dredge for bodies (unlike little lakes and reservoirs) and if you do it the right time of year, you don't have to worry about floaters. Plus there's no fish big enough to swallow enough of a given corpse to get caught and be identifiable.

2) You don't need a volcano if you have a Steel mill.

3) The best way though is to kill them in a way no one suspects it's a murder, or if they do, make it next to impossible to trace back to a given person. Put DMSO and Mercury on their shoe. Lace their cigs with pesticides commonly used in tobacco cultivation. Slip a druggy some barbiturates when they're out at the bar. Loosen the lids on the paint thinners and varnishes they keep in the basement. The list goes on, it's only limited by your creativity and understanding of the target.

KalashnikovMarine wrote:Hell all you have to do down under is bury the body somewhere in the outback, they'll never find it/the dingos will eat it

Incorrect Dingos only eat babies...........

BaronIveagh wrote:3) The best way though is to kill them in a way no one suspects it's a murder, or if they do, make it next to impossible to trace back to a given person. Put DMSO and Mercury on their shoe. Lace their cigs with pesticides commonly used in tobacco cultivation. Slip a druggy some barbiturates when they're out at the bar. Loosen the lids on the paint thinners and varnishes they keep in the basement. The list goes on, it's only limited by your creativity and understanding of the target.

Ooh thats devious. I like it.

Easy E wrote:

 yeri wrote:
there was actually a case in Mexico where a cartel hired a guy just to dispose of bodies. he was called El Pozolero (the stew maker), his preferred method: dissolve the body in acid then bury the resulting goo in his backyard. the authorities are still uncertain how many and who his "clients" were. grim stuff, but effective none the less.

Here I thought they just decapitated them and dumped them on the streets. Maybe 'El Pozolero' was part of a simpler time?

that's when the cartels want to send a message, usually when the victim is involved in criminal activities. the government of Mexico seems to have this misconception that the only people being killed in the drug war are somehow involved in criminal activities. when they kill someone truely innocent like a bystander to a murder who tries to inform the police, then they send them to "El Pozolero".

azazel the cat wrote:

yeri wrote:there was actually a case in Mexico where a cartel hired a guy just to dispose of bodies. he was called El Pozolero (the stew maker), his preferred method: dissolve the body in acid then bury the resulting goo in his backyard. the authorities are still uncertain how many and who his "clients" were. grim stuff, but effective none the less.

Not acid. A base. See my first post in the thread.

I'm not sure what he used, CNBC just said he dissolved the bodies in big blue drums, and so I assumed acid.

I forgot about mutated sea bass with lasers strapped to their heads.

Edit: Anothe rpopular IRL option is to take your victim on a cruise.

 Krellnus wrote:
Wood Mulcher.

This way is extremely effective.

My brother works for an insurance company as a claims adjuster. He had a case where a guy accidentally got shredded by a wood chipper.

This next part of the description is graphic, do not open the spoiler tag if you do not want a full description.

 DeathReaper wrote:

 Krellnus wrote:
Wood Mulcher.

This way is extremely effective.

My brother works for an insurance company as a claims adjuster. He had a case where a guy accidentally got shredded by a wood chipper.

This next part of the description is graphic, do not open the spoiler tag if you do not want a full description.

Spoiler:

Are you sure you want to view this description?

Spoiler:

Are you really sure?

Spoiler:

Okay here it is. The guy got his foot caught in the spinning drum that propels the wood through the chipper. it snagged him and fed him through. It chopped him up and the meat that remained liked like stringy ground beef. the only identifiable pieces of him were a dollar bill and the sole of the left shoe. Everything else was ground up like hamburger. There was red wood chips and ground meat in the back of the truck, It was a mess of blood and wood chips, but there were no bones to be found, and only tiny shreds of clothes. The pictures were amazing to see, and this description does not do the scene justice.

The problem with that is that there's DNA all over the damn place and even the best cleanup doesn't get rid of all the chemical traces of blood. Having seen what happens to someone fed into one of those old time Oliver Superior manure spreaders (picture a giant cast iron chipper on steriods with spinning iron spikes and steel blades) it makes WAY too big a mess.

I'll leave this to the immortal Brick Top from 'Snatch'.....

Brick Top:You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.

Sol: Would someone mind telling me, who are you?

Brick Top: And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig gak, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

Vinny: Well, thank you for that. That's a great weight off me mind. Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me who the feth you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?

 BaronIveagh wrote:
The problem with that is that there's DNA all over the damn place and even the best cleanup doesn't get rid of all the chemical traces of blood. Having seen what happens to someone fed into one of those old time Oliver Superior manure spreaders (picture a giant cast iron chipper on steriods with spinning iron spikes and steel blades) it makes WAY too big a mess.

and that's why you have a few dozen gallons of Fuel (Petrol,Gasoline whatever you want to call it) on hand to do the cleanup for you.

 DeathReaper wrote:
and that's why you have a few dozen gallons of Fuel (Petrol,Gasoline whatever you want to call it) on hand to do the cleanup for you.

Setting something on fire is the worst thing you can do. If the police do come sniffing around, you might as well hang out a neon sign 'CSI - examine *this* closely'. And it's best to assume that the fire won't get everything, particularly since gas doesn't burn anywhere near hot enough to entirely obliterate human remains. You'd need something like white phosphorus or magnesium powder.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 DeathReaper wrote:
and that's why you have a few dozen gallons of Fuel (Petrol,Gasoline whatever you want to call it) on hand to do the cleanup for you.

Setting something on fire is the worst thing you can do. If the police do come sniffing around, you might as well hang out a neon sign 'CSI - examine *this* closely'. And it's best to assume that the fire won't get everything, particularly since gas doesn't burn anywhere near hot enough to entirely obliterate human remains. You'd need something like white phosphorus or magnesium powder.

Yeah, but that's why you cover the body in wood, and put some cedar branches on as well to disguise the scent.

 Cheesecat wrote:

Yeah, but that's why you cover the body in wood, and put some cedar branches on as well to disguise the scent.

It's not the smell, it's the fact you burned something. Even when you put someone through an 1100 degree incinerator, things get left behind. Teeth, bone fragments, stuff that can identified as human. if you burn a body in a big pile of wood, all you've done is make it take longer for them to find the evidence.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Cheesecat wrote:

Yeah, but that's why you cover the body in wood, and put some cedar branches on as well to disguise the scent.

It's not the smell, it's the fact you burned something. Even when you put someone through an 1100 degree incinerator, things get left behind. Teeth, bone fragments, stuff that can identified as human. if you burn a body in a big pile of wood, all you've done is make it take longer for them to find the evidence.

Remove the teeth before burning then, bones will still burn if the temperature is high enough.

 Cheesecat wrote:

Remove the teeth before burning then, bones will still burn if the temperature is high enough.

And when they find the pins from the guy's thigh you didn't know about, or his titanium knee, or some other gak, you're screwed. If you have enough time to pull their teeth out, you have enough time to come up with a better plan.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Cheesecat wrote:

Remove the teeth before burning then, bones will still burn if the temperature is high enough.

And when they find the pins from the guy's thigh you didn't know about, or his titanium knee, or some other gak, you're screwed. If you have enough time to pull their teeth out, you have enough time to come up with a better plan.

Honestly it doesn't matter if they know what the body is what matters for the murder is they can't identify who killed the person, just because you recognize the body doesn't mean you know what caused it's death.

 Cheesecat wrote:

Honestly it doesn't matter if they know what the body is what matters for the murder is they can't identify who killed the person, just because you recognize the body doesn't mean you know what caused it's death.

When was the last time the people disposing of the body had absolutely no connection to the person that did the deed?

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Cheesecat wrote:

Honestly it doesn't matter if they know what the body is what matters for the murder is they can't identify who killed the person, just because you recognize the body doesn't mean you know what caused it's death.

When was the last time the people disposing of the body had absolutely no connection to the person that did the deed?

Well, as long as the murderer doesn't get caught disposing the body and they can't find his/her DNA on the body then nobody has enough evidence to prove who did the murder.

I'm sure I'm not the only person finding this thread both entertaining and almost scary at how much the average Dakkaite knows about disposing of bodies and covering up murders...

 Cheesecat wrote:

Well, as long as the murderer doesn't get caught disposing the body and they can't find his/her DNA on the body then nobody has enough evidence to prove who did the murder.

You don't need to get caught disposing of the body for them to get enough evidence off a burned corpse for a conviction. Fibers from a car boot that matches yours found both at the murder scene and at the site of the disposal can tie you to the crime. People shed hairs all the time, as well as skin flakes.

I'll say again: the only sure fire way to murder someone is to kill them in a way that no one suspects it's a murder.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Cheesecat wrote:

Well, as long as the murderer doesn't get caught disposing the body and they can't find his/her DNA on the body then nobody has enough evidence to prove who did the murder.

You don't need to get caught disposing of the body for them to get enough evidence off a burned corpse for a conviction. Fibers from a car boot that matches yours found both at the murder scene and at the site of the disposal can tie you to the crime. People shed hairs all the time, as well as skin flakes.

I'll say again: the only sure fire way to murder someone is to kill them in a way that no one suspects it's a murder.

Why would a murderer leave his car around the area he disposed the body wouldn't it make more sense to drive away from that area after you're done?

 Cheesecat wrote:

Why would a murderer leave his car around the area he disposed the body wouldn't it make more sense to drive away from that area after you're done?

You always want to assume the police will probably start looking at suspects, and might just go to your house to collect samples and look for evidence if they suspect you.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Cheesecat wrote:

Why would a murderer leave his car around the area he disposed the body wouldn't it make more sense to drive away from that area after you're done?

You always want to assume the police will probably start looking at suspects, and might just go to your house to collect samples and look for evidence if they suspect you.

Who are they going to suspect? All they've found is a burnt body.

 Cheesecat wrote:

Who are they going to suspect? All they've found is a burnt body.

Cheesecat, no murder happens in a vacuum. (Yet, but space is big, after all..)

You have to get the gas. Gas has to come from someplace, and it does go bad, so stockpiling a huge amount is tough. Most people don't have enough petrol on hand to incinerate a body. So you have to get it someplace. That someplace likely, in the US, has several cameras.

Let's say the police find an incinerated body, with traces of petrol on it. What's the first thing they're going to think to do? See if anyone made an unusually large purchase of gasoline lately. Even if you bought it all under a fake name, they now have your face and your car make, even if you used a fake name and false plate.

 BaronIveagh wrote:

 Cheesecat wrote:

Who are they going to suspect? All they've found is a burnt body.

Cheesecat, no murder happens in a vacuum. (Yet, but space is big, after all..)

You have to get the gas. Gas has to come from someplace, and it does go bad, so stockpiling a huge amount is tough. Most people don't have enough petrol on hand to incinerate a body. So you have to get it someplace. That someplace likely, in the US, has several cameras.

Let's say the police find an incinerated body, with traces of petrol on it. What's the first thing they're going to think to do? See if anyone made an unusually large purchase of gasoline lately. Even if you bought it all under a fake name, they now have your face and your car make, even if you used a fake name and false plate.

OK, I suppose you're right, I guess people will just have to look at other alternatives for disposing a body.

 nomsheep wrote:
Best way, walk up shoot em and leave em, no prints, no dna almost impossible to catch.

extra special ham?

How to get rid of a body: Coastal Edition.
I live near the ocean, a great place for storing unwanteds. Now how to get the unwanteds into the ocean. I could use a boat, but alas Gps can probably track where you are. So to get around that i suggest getting a weather ballon, glow stick, a rifle with a scope, some cinder blocks for wieght and finally your victim. Tie the weather ballon to your victim, tie bricks to victim, tie glowstick to balloon, inflate and wave good bye to your flying friend. When you feel enough distance has passed or it's about out of range shoot the balloon(or balloons) and let that sucker drop. This could be done from land, or even while at sea on a boat.

Not advocating, just brainstorming.

 fire4effekt wrote:
How to get rid of a body: Coastal Edition.
I live near the ocean, a great place for storing unwanteds. Now how to get the unwanteds into the ocean. I could use a boat, but alas Gps can probably track where you are. So to get around that i suggest getting a weather ballon, glow stick, a rifle with a scope, some cinder blocks for wieght and finally your victim. Tie the weather ballon to your victim, tie bricks to victim, tie glowstick to balloon, inflate and wave good bye to your flying friend. When you feel enough distance has passed or it's about out of range shoot the balloon(or balloons) and let that sucker drop. This could be done from land, or even while at sea on a boat.

Not advocating, just brainstorming.

That's actually pretty creative... except, can a weather balloon carry that weight? If so, that's gotta be a big balloon, which isn't discreet.

Do it at night, let the crack pots call it a ufo?

(That said i have no idea what wieght the balloon will carry)