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Reg ........................Trouble at mill.
Lady Mountback...Oh no. What sort of trouble?
Reg ........................One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Lady Mountback...Pardon?
Reg ........................One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Lady Mountback...I don't understand what you're saying.
Reg ........................One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Lady Mountback...Well what on Terra does that mean?
Reg ........................I don't know. Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
Jarring chord. The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Ordo Heretcus enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang.
Ximinez.................Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor.... Our four...no... amongst our weapons.... amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (exit and exeunt)
Reg ........................I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
Jarring chord. They burst in.
Ximinez.................Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor, and nice red uniforms - oh damn! (to Biggles) I can't say it, you'll have to say it.
Biggles.................What?
Ximinez.................You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles.................I couldn't do that...
Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside.
Reg ........................I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
They all enter.
Biggles.................Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez.................Expects.
Biggles.................Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Imperial...um...
Ximinez.................Inquisition.
Biggles.................I know...I know! Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect...
Ximinez.................Our chief weapons are...
Biggles.................Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez.................Surprise.
Biggles.................Surprise and...
Ximinez.................Stop. Stop there! Stop there. Whew! Our chief weapon is surprise, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang......................You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Imperium of Man. My old man said follow the...
Biggles.................That's enough. (to Lady Mountback) Now, how do you plead?
Lady Mountback...We're innocent.
Ximinez.................Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER'
Biggles.................We'll soon change your mind about that!
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING'
Ximinez.................Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless... (controls himself with a supreme effort) ooooh! Now, Cardinal, the rack!
Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger.
Ximinez.................You....Right! Tie her down. (Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack) Right! How do you plead?
Lady Mountback...Innocent.
Ximinez.................Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
Cardinal Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs.
Biggles.................I....
Ximinez.................I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles.................I...
Ximinez.................It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles.................Shall I, um...?
Ximinez.................Oh, go on, just pretend for God's sake.

 Happyjew wrote:
SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call a Lasgun with a laser sight?
SISTER RAVEN: Twin-Linked.

Apply water to burnt area.

Sister Trini: "Hey, haven't you heard? Baleflamers are so last season!"
Lucius: "Ouch, burn..."

 BaronIveagh wrote:

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! Who's the Ultramarines Greatest Foe?
SISTER RAVEN: Librarian Gargamael of the Thousand Sons.

Genius.

Sister Gloria: Who's idea was it to name an operation to purge Nurgle worshiping heretics 'Operation Scrubbing Bubbles'?

Sister Galore: Why's Gloria in with the Sister Superior this time?
Sister Spathic: Some guardsman told her to make him a sandwich. So she saw how thinly she could slice him with a power sword and put him between two pieces of bread.


Sister Superior Tarna: Wait, explain how you defeated them again?
Sister Spathic: Well, Gloria threw a pile of our annual charity bikini calenders into the hoard of cultists. Then we killed them all while they were distracted.
Sister Superior Tarna: See, that's what I don't get: We don't HAVE an annual bikini calender. Who's in charge of it?
Sister Spathic: Sister Gloria has been as long as I can... oh.


Sister Gloria: This still is strictly for medicinal use!
Sister Galore: *HIC* I MISS MR WIGGLES!
Sister Gloria: And clearly there's been plenty of medicine for all!

Heh, those are great, Baron...

Here's one:

Sister Raven is at prayers in the chapel. Sister Raven limps up, looking absolutely all beat to hell.

Sister Raven: Throne of Terra, Sister Koriander! Are you OK?
Sister Koriander: Ugghhh.... no....
SR: What is it? Orks? Necrons? Heretics?!
SK: No, worse...
SR: Worse?! DAEMONS?!
SK: No... do you know Sister Superior Constantia?
SR: <blinking in confusion> The one who teaches Imperium History? Uh, yes? What about her?
SK: <sighs ruefully> Her power-ruler arrived with the morning transport...
SR: <eyes widening in horror> Throne preserve us...

 Psienesis wrote:
Heh, those are great, Baron...

Here's one:

Sister Raven is at prayers in the chapel. Sister Raven limps up, looking absolutely all beat to hell.

Sister Raven: Throne of Terra, Sister Koriander! Are you OK?
Sister Koriander: Ugghhh.... no....
SR: What is it? Orks? Necrons? Heretics?!
SK: No, worse...
SR: Worse?! DAEMONS?!
SK: No... do you know Sister Superior Constantia?
SR: <blinking in confusion> The one who teaches Imperium History? Uh, yes? What about her?
SK: <sighs ruefully> Her power-ruler arrived with the morning transport...
SR: <eyes widening in horror> Throne preserve us...

Exalted!^^
Now, you've done it. I, too, want a power-ruler.... In the name of the Emperor and by the light of the Golden Throne: this underlining upon this here blackboard shall be straight!

... that's certainly one function of the Westcott-pattern Power-ruler, available in Imperial and Imperium measurement standards, ranging from 30.5cm (12 inches) to 1 meter (39 inches).

Though... let us also remember that the Adepta Sororitas is a penitent Order.

It seems that there is a special offer for teachers of the Schola Progenitum: "Two for the price of one - In case you break one over the head of an especially hard-headed student."

Sister Galore: You know, at the rate that the order founds new orders minoris and that Sisters eventually become saints, there's a pretty good chance that any one of us could be a saint with her own order minors one day..
Sister Spathic: Saint Gloria... Brrr...
Sister Galore: Throne! There's a thought I didn't need. What would you call that Priory, anyway? Our Lady of Slaughter? The Sisterhood of Mass Destruction?
Sister Gloria: *appearing suddenly* I like 'Our Lady Who Does Not Put Up With Your bs.', myself.


Sister Spathic; Throne, Gloria, you've been hit! How long have you been carrying around a neck wound like that?
Sister Gloria: Since this morning, I think.
Sister Spathic: I'm surprised you're able to stand.
Sister Gloria: Why? Bullets don't weigh anything.


Sister Superior Tarna: We believe that the underhive is infested with Khornate cultists. Sister Gloria, why are you smiling like that?


Sister Gloria: Magos, we're going to purge the depths of the hive and I'd like something in a chain fist with power claws.
Magos Theeble: Ve has power feest. You wants fancy shmancy power feest, ve has that too.
Sister Gloria: But I don't want a power fist, I want a chain fist.
Magos Theeble: Seester, look, ve only has power feest. But ve can fill all your power feesting needs, ja?
Sister Gloria: Ok, do you have one with a built in storm bolter?
Mags Theeble: Ja, ve gots. You look like de type to not like just feesting them anyvay.


Cultist: SUCH IS THE POWER OF KHOR *CRUNCH* Eeeeee....*thump*
Sister Galore: Power armor assisted boots, chump.


Sister Superior Tarna: Sister Spathic, what is that you have there?
Sister Spathic: Oh, this axe? I picked it up for a souvenir. It sure chops cultists great though!
Sister Gloria: You should name it.
Sister Spathic: I would, but it says someone already named it 'dread axe'.

Sister:How many Citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sister 2:None.The admech are hogging them all for themselves.

Sister:Why are the insides of transports so dark?
Sister 2:If we had light it would ruin the grimdark.

Oh, good, jokes about civilians! It shows how deeply "only war" had penetrated my brain that I hadn't even thought of making jokes about civilians:

SISTER KORIANDER: How many faithful, clean-living, loyal subjects of the Emperor does it take to change a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: How many what?
SISTER KORIANDER: Right. Okay, how many clean-living, loyal subjects....
SISTER RAVEN: Nope.
SISTER KORIANDER: How many clean...
SISTER RAVEN: Hahahaha no.
SISTER KORIANDER: How many typical subjects of the Emperor does it take to change a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: A few quadrillion, but they just sit on their arses in the dark until we get there.

[Note that this completely ignores all other branches of the Imperial government from the PDF to the Inquisition, which says something about the Sisters' attitude towards them...]

SISTER KORIANDER: How many underhivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Underhivers don't change lightbulbs. They see one is out, riot, smash all the remaining bulbs, and then complain that it's too dark.

SISTER KORIANDER: How many brave, faithful, effective nobles of the Imperium does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Oh, no, we're not doing that one again, it was too long the first time.
SISTER KORIANDER: [Pouty face] Okay, fine.[/Pouty face] How many inept, degenerate, inbred nobles does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just one, but he's his own uncle, half-brother, and first cousin, so he really counts as three.

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Death Worlders does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just ARRGGHH [thud].

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Feral Worlders does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Me am change what?

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Chapter Serfs does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: I love the Astartes!
SISTER KORIANDER: Yes, fine, but how many Chapter Serfs...
SISTER RAVEN: Love the Astartes!
SISTER KORIANDER: No, you're not listening, how many Chapter...
SISTER RAVEN: Love Astartes!
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh, this is useless, I'm leaving.
SISTER RAVEN: Squawk! Love the Astartes! Squawk!

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Administratum clerks does it take to change....
SISTER RAVEN: Not my department. Next!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
And one more about the Sisters themselves:

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Major Orders Militant does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Seven.
[pause]
BOTH: Uh oh.

And one more about the Sisters themselves:

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Major Orders Militant does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Seven.
[pause]
BOTH: Uh oh.

That one gets a +1 from me, not least of which because I pictured Raven and Starfire, from the Teen Titans cartoon, dressed as Sisters, saying it.

Yes, I chose those two precisely to inspire those visuals -- and so you'd hear, in your mind, Hynden Walch and Tara Strong voicing the jokes....

 Psienesis wrote:

And one more about the Sisters themselves:

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Major Orders Militant does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Seven.
[pause]
BOTH: Uh oh.

That one gets a +1 from me, not least of which because I pictured Raven and Starfire, from the Teen Titans cartoon, dressed as Sisters, saying it.

I don't get it, why 7?

 CthuluIsSpy wrote:

 Psienesis wrote:

And one more about the Sisters themselves:

SISTER KORIANDER: How many Major Orders Militant does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Seven.
[pause]
BOTH: Uh oh.

That one gets a +1 from me, not least of which because I pictured Raven and Starfire, from the Teen Titans cartoon, dressed as Sisters, saying it.

I don't get it, why 7?

.... because there are only 6 Orders Major.

Sister Superior Maria: *over intercom* "The scanners picked up some weird readings at some of the buildings in sector 7. It could be the chaos cult we've been searching for. We're starting the approach... what was that noise?"
Sister Zetina: "Er, that was Sister Ivanova grabbing her flamer... and some spare barrels of promethium. Expect her to be at your position in about ten minutes."
Sister Superior Maria: "But it's a 30 minute drive to our position..."
Sister Zetina: "Well, it seems someone's motivated... she just passed the corner down the street, screaming 'purge the unclean'."

"Hey, Sister... how many Silent Sisters does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"Just one, but they’d probably just make us do it for them."

Sister: How many light bulbs would it take to make the same heat as a flamer?

Techpriest: That is technological heresy.

I believe you mean:

Techpriest:. THAT. IS. TECHNOLOGICAL. HERESY.

 SisterSydney wrote:
I believe you mean:

Techpriest:. THAT. IS. TECHNOLOGICAL. HERESY.

How do you tell a Techpriest has gone heretical?

Instead of using binary, they speak in Hex.

Octal, please.

 Furyou Miko wrote:
Octal, please.

Only Khorne worshipers.

Hexidecimal is just Octal flipped upside down and duplicated.

Simply because we've made some Monty Python references in the thread already....

 Nevelon wrote:

How do you tell a Techpriest has gone heretical?

many different answers:
- When they dress in red robes and wave mechadendrites around.
- When they are not on Mars.
- When they speak Low Gothic
- They haven't already?
- I don't know... maybe that nice Inquisitor over there can answer that question.

I like "they haven't already?" best, especially from a Sororitas point of view.

Also this bit of fanfic I just wrote is supposed to be at least somewhat funny:

“Ma’am? Ma’am? I’m having trouble with my armature, ma’am, I can’t get the boltgun to...”

“WRONG!”

The Sister Superior’s shout boomed like a bolt exploding. All the Novices whipped their heads around to look.......

Full story at Bolter B-Word Privileges.

Heh. B-word privileges.

It was a cute story. I'd read novels with that kind of subject.

Huh, that was different in a good way.

The best kind of different.