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liam0404 wrote:
1) I'm 24 and she is 23

2) I live alone while she lives with her parents.

3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.

You are both very young. Your pre-frontal cortex hasn't even developed yet (Probably not hers either). It's not like you are boozing or engaging in self destructive behavior, so just explain to her that your hobby is important to your as it helps reduce your stress and provides a level of happiness. If she can't accept that due to her immaturity and view of the hobby.....well as I've said you are both very young...and the ocean is teeming so to speak. But, just be honest and upfront now else it will simply cause future rifts.

/Date advice night on Dakka
//Or, you can just roll off with her. 4+, she deals with it.

She should grow up and get over it. It's a hobby, after all.

Hell, my girlfriend hated Warhammer at first, now she collects Skaven.

get rid of her.

AS a married man... anyone who tries to control what you do in your spare time, ditch. Her being controlling will only lead to heartbrteak in the long run.

If my girlfriend told me to choose her or the hobby, I would choose her without hesitation. Then again, she would never do that. That's why she's my girlfriend. The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.

One night a week is hardly that much. If she's looking for you to change because it's "uncool" then she's not particularly mature. I feel sorry for you though, because breaking it off with a girl is always tough- I only ever had one girlfriend who didn't like my gaming (the rest tolerated it or thought it was cute) and when I eventually broke it off with her I felt horrible.
Like others have said, think about it carefully and try and talk it out with her first. How she reacts to that will give you a good pointer to whether it's worth the effort or not. Also consider how much you enjoy your hobby- if you were thinking of dropping it anyhow, then it's not such a big deal, if you enjoy it and it's not damaging your life somehow then it's a much bigger one.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best and hope you don't stress out over it too much. Singledom sucks, but you're young yet (he says, only two years older).

My wife (who was a girlfriend at the time I picked up Warhammer) doesn't really participate in wargaming at all. She's happy I have a hobby and even tried picking up Eldar once but found she'd prefer other ways to spend her time. Even though we often have a busy weekend schedule but she doesn't fuss when I make a gaming appointment. I guess my point is that if she's seriously giving you issues about a hobby because then she's probably going to give you issues with other, larger aspects of your life that she doesn't agree with.

Do you constantly tell her about your games and army fluff? I ask because I play the game and can't listen to that for more than 45 seconds before I start thinking of excuses to make a break for it.

Otherwise, yeah, I'd say you could do much better.

My advice would be to just sit down and have a talk to her, and probably explain that this is what you enjoy, and you will continue to do it. Also feel free to point out that there are many many worse things you could be doing with your time and money than building and playing with little plastic army men.

The fact that she wants you to drop it cause it's uncool really does hit off a berserk button, at least for me. If she really does care about you, then sitting down and talking about it should get any underlying problems out into the open. If she's really as shallow as she currently seems, then do dump her, however there is always a possibility that this is just her expression of some other problem that can be fixed.

As the pnp RPG punchline goes, 'no one wants to hear about your character, not even the GM.'

liam0404 wrote:I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.

Flip around the genders on this, and it would be an example right out of every 'signs you need to get out of the relationship now' article that has featured in every teen girl periodical since the dawn of time. Guys trying to control their girlfriend's hobbies/interests/participation is supposed to immediately set off one of those 'danger!' alarms, and it really should for the opposite as well. Saying 'X makes you less attractive' is about as cheaply, blatantly manipulative as you can be, only topped by, 'if you loved me, you wouldn't do X.'

She's saying it's making her feel less attracted to you? Seriously? Presuming the situation is exactly as you've depicted it, you've already made your hobby participation as invisible to her as possible. Something about gaming sticks in her craw, and damn if she isn't going to make herself feel better by making you stop it. It reminds me of a gaming group I used to be part of where one guy's wife simply could not stand the fact he'd hang out with his friends and game. It got to the point where almost as soon as he'd arrive, she'd start calling him, asking when he'd be home, telling him he had to do X and had to come home _now_ (but if we were going out to a bar, or even a strip club, not a peep from her). Even worse, we'd used to hang out with them as a couple, because she was a nice enough person, but it was hard to stay friendly when she so consistently ruined our Tuesday evenings. It reached the point that we stopped gaming with him and immediately drifted out of contact because no one could stand his wife, and he refused to do anything to change the situation.

Long anecdote short, you need to sit her down and have an adult conversation with her. This is your hobby, and this is your one night you spend with friends. She knows it. You've already done everything you can to make it invisible to her. If she can't accept that you have your own life with your own interests that means you spend one day a week somewhere else, that's her problem, not yours.

WTF, it posted in the wrong thread... DOH.

Liam,

Drop her now. Do not pass go, just do it.

Break up with er.

I have been married 21 years. I played in a metal band when we first met. My wife has been patient with all of my hobbies and interest, of which I can be obsessive about at times. She's a trooper about it though. But she understands, there are much, much worse things that I can do, and knows that many husbands are bad fathers and husbands. I make sure I am not, and this is why we love each other to this day.

liam0404 wrote:Ok guys, I need some advice on a bit of a situation I have.

In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).

But it's getting much worse than this.

She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.

I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.

Any opinions appreciated Dakka!

She sounds seriously shallow. I say leave her if she can't except who you are; it's not a question of her or the hobby, it's you or her social status.

I feel for you man...

Brother SRM wrote:She's not worth your time. Anyone worth throwing your hobby away for wouldn't ask you to do so in the first place.

Sorry, you're dating a controlling bitch.

A-yup! Sorry dude, but she (Like all women) is gonna try and change you. If you were a "super-jock" you current girl would just complain about you not having enough "intelluctual" interests. ....

Let me give you a little insight into women through the magic of a joke.

A woman goes into a building she has never seen before. She is surprised when she is told that it belongs to dating service, and they have a unique take on dating. They hold a large party with hundreds and hundreds of men, all of them want to get married, and whoever picks them, they will marry. During the party the women are allowed to go into the elevators and pick what ever floor they want. On each individual floor the men will be divided up, a different kind of man per floor. The women can get out on any floor, but once they get out, they cant go any further up, and the elevator wont be able to take anyone back down until the end of the party. So they will have to stay on the floor they pick till tomorrow.

So she decides that she will participate. When she gets into the elevator, the man running it takes it to the 2nd floor. Before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"

He says, "Well the men on this floor arent great looking but they are not hideous, all of them earn a livable wage and are caring, funny, and fairly smart."

"Hmmmmm" She says, "Take me to the next floor."

So he does, and before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"

He says, "Well the men on the 3rd floor are above average looking, have a good moral character, are good lovers and make a nice salary."

"Hmmmm" she says, "take me to the next floor."

One the next floor, before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"

He says, "Well, the men on the 4th floor are smart funny and good looking, they make 200,000 a year, and have 7 inch penises!"

"Hmmmm" she says, "take me to the next floor."

One the next floor, before the doors open she asks the man "what kind of man is on this floor?"

He says, "Well the men on the 5th floor are all millionaires, look like don juan, make love like a demon, and have 12 inch penises!"

WOW she thinks, imagine what kind of man is on the next floor!

"Take me to the next floor!"

So he does, and when the doors open, the woman sees hundreds of other women, standing around. She turns to the man and asks, "What kind of man is on this floor?"

He answers, "There aren't any men on this floor."

"Then why is it here?" She asks.

"To prove that no matter what kind of man a woman has, she will always want something better."

I lol'd.

I've been in your situation. No women I dated previously understood this hobby. I spent my 20's hiding something I derived a great deal of enjoyment from and also a great source of pride. Do you know what I realized? It was the wrong descision. Of course, I didn't realize EXACTLY how wrong I was until recently.

Let me break it down for you. Out there in the world are some amazing women. Some women will give you space, some might be supportive of you and your hobby, others may join you. I've found myself the supportive type at long last and brother, let me tell you, its a different world. I'll marry her before long. Have your cake and eat it too.

Introduce her to the door. Ask her to walk through it. Lock it behind her.

If she says it's "uncool" then who is she wanting to be cool with? You get to decide that. Obviously she is worried what "others might think." Those with happy marriages and relationships only worry about what our significant other might think, not the maddening crowd.

Dump her. And find a great woman that lets you do your hobby in peace or even joins in.

If she isn't compromising, offer her different terms. Can you move the game night to monday or something? It would be best to just sit down and talk to her about it. As everyone seems to have already said, you guys need to reach an agreement over this. If she isn't letting you do something you enjoy because she thinks it's "uncool," then she could have other issues with the other stuff you do. I wouldn't get rid of her right away, but if she can't accept you for who you are, then there is no point in dating. After all, there are other fish in the sea...

There's a Space Marine model for every woman you'll meet. There's a Space marine player for every woman you'll date.
There's secretly a gene-stealer controlling any woman who wont let you play Warhammer, and you know what you must do
PURGE THE XENOS!!!!

If she's that important to you, as I suspect she is after 8 years, then make a compromise with her. First try I would attempt to move game night and maybe lessen the painting and movelling time. It sounds like she just wants to break you of the hobby and control you. Even if you give in and get completely broken the pain just starts. They're nice before you're the pet and afterwards it just gets worse. If you feel that you're going down that road, break asap, if its workable salvage it and move on.

Tim the Biovore wrote:Stand your ground. Giving in to this will only make you her bitch, and no fellow Dakkaite will become a bitch on my watch.

Tell her it's your life, your choice, and if she can't acknowledge that, ensure that the door does not hit her on the way out.

QFT

You don't have to dump her like 90% are saying. Women test men at all times, especially the hot ones It's just girl nature, accept it for what it is, a test. When you recognize them, it is pretty easy to deal with, just don't fail them If you give in to her request, you will have failed the test, and that probably leads to this:

Eilif wrote:3-If you give in it won't be long before she finds other things she doesn't like about you to make you change and that's nothing but a long spiral down to breakup/divorce.

You are also telling her that you don't think you are good enough for her as you are, i.e: pretty much telling her to find someone else who is good enough for her.

So stand your ground, tell her you won't drop your hobby because she tells you to (that wording should help her see how silly she is being), and that you expect to be respected even with your geeky side. You can throw in a "I respect you even though you...snore/do something lame/etc, and if she pushes you further, step it up a bit, blow her off the next day, tell her that her talking about warhammer yesterday made you want to play today (even if you're not really going to play)

Good luck, and keep us posted

Taoofss wrote:If my girlfriend told me to choose her or the hobby, I would choose her without hesitation. Then again, she would never do that. That's why she's my girlfriend. The fact that you are even considering picking this hobby over a relationship pretty much means that she's not the one. Move on.

If my girlfriend actually gave me an ultimatum (as opposed to a test, which is what the OP is dealing with), I would choose my hobby, not because I don't love her, but because what you are saying, a worthy woman will not demand that you to quit doing something you enjoy. (feelings would probably subside pretty quickly if she did this too though)

sounds like a really shallow emotionally unstable women who is VERY passive aggressive.

Why are you dating her?

I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.

Sounds like a tough situation. She can move and still fire heavy weapons, and even charge afterward! Make sure you stick to cover and only close when you're sure you can make the kill. Remember, if she turns out to be too much in hand-to-hand, you can always break with Combat Tactics; she is only allowed a consolidate move.


Seriously though, ask yourself this;

If you met a woman who shared her positive traits (I'm assuming she has some,) and was even indifferent to your gaming, would you leave her for the more open-minded one? If yes, then, go ahead and leave her, it'll only be a matter of time until you meet the second woman.

There is a difference from a compromising to create a healthy relationship and being browbeaten because you're not available for her every beck and call.

Also, I suspect that your female friend may have some psychological issues. Behavior like you mentioned is characteristic of someone with very poor self worth. She seems threatened that you have an priority other than you. This fear seems to be causing her to try to denigrate your worth (her attempt to lower you to her level of self-doubt,) by telling you she is "less attracted" to you, and that what you do is "uncool." Nobody deserves to be spoken to that way, not by a stranger, and certainly not by their significant other.

She probably needs to seek therapy. You can tell her that. Bonus points for doing so as your breaking up with her. Double bonus points if you explicitly state that her psychoses are no longer your problem and that she can STFU and GTFO.

liam0404 wrote:In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).

But it's getting much worse than this.

She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.

It doesn't matter that she doesn't share your hobby. It doesn't matter that she can't even appreciate what you see in your hobby. The fact that she can't allow for you having hobbies at all is a problem. I'm guessing that she has no hobbies?

Not to mention, shouting at you because you already had plans (which she knew about) is childish and possessive.

Having just got out of a relationship with someone that gave me grief about my hobbies constantly because she had none, it is not a position I would put myself in again. (she did eventually admit that she was jealous that I had things to do that interested me while she did not)

The problem is not really that you are participating in a niche hobby or that you actively play with toy soldiers it's rather the fact that she wants you to give up something she doesn't understand or find interesting herself.

That is, arguably, what makes a couple; you find differences in each other that you find acceptable and even likeable. She doesn't think that way, she thinks that she can change you to suit her.

At what point will that behaviour stop? You'll be asking for permission to take up fishing next or going to the gym.

You need to take stock in what you think is important;

1. Be the person who YOU want to be. The person you feel most comfortable with and the person you want to be when you find the partner you truly love.

2. Be the person SHE wants you to be. The person she has created and in doing so forever be under her thumb. No matter which way you dress it up by saying you changed for love, you will still be under her thumb.

Nuff said.

Here is my two cents; women are complicated creatures just like us men. A major difference between us is this; if something is bugging a man he will focus on that and fix it until it doesn't bug him, hence your thread. You have an issue and you want some advice on the issue so that you can fix.

Now women are a bit different when they have a problem, they attack other "problems" rather than the real issue. Like your girlfriend she doesn't like "gaming". Which is bogus, if she loves you she wouldn't mind your gaming.

To fix your problem I would stop worrying about gaming, its your hobby and you're are going to play. It isn't going to affect your life or your girlfriends life in a negative way at all, only if both of you let it. You won't have to choose between them either. I would tell her this but not in a take it or leave it attitude but with compassion. Tell your girlfriend she is important and that gaming is just a hobby nothing more.

Now to your real problem, your girlfriend is insecure. There can be a lot of reasons for this; the first is because of you but not really a problem because you can fix it easily. That is she needs your sincere attention. What I mean by sincere is take more interest in what she is doing, tell her you are taking more interest by asking about what is going on in her life. Ask her about an issue she may have complained about a week ago and see how it went. When you are with her tell her how much you appreciate being with her, I dare say how you LOVE to be with her. When she says she is busy tell her that is ok and that you miss her. When she asks to do something on a Thursday say yes no problem at least once. Maybe in the future ask her to do something on Thursday yourself. If she asks about why you are blowing off gaming for the night say that you missed her and wanted to spend some time with her. In short make sure your girlfriend feels appreciated which is much simpler than it seems.

Ok now to back up what I am saying, I am married now and my wife wants me to have gaming as my hobby. She doesn't care for it but she likes that I like it. It is how women work, if they love you they want you to be happy, crazy huh? Before we were married she had no idea I gamed; I keep it quiet because of people's initial reactions to it. I am not ashamed of gaming I am just tired of the odd looks. My wife at first didn't like it because of the stigma surrounding it. Then she got to know that side of me and know she loves it. She even likes to buy miniatures for me. Other girlfriends in the past have done the same thing and ultimately they aren't bothered about the hobby at all.

Just remember that you have to work at every relationship in your life, some are easier than others like you gaming buddies but some take a lot more effort like your girlfriends. Also compare what you get out of them, hopefully your are more satisfied with your girlfriend than your gaming buddies but that is how it should be.

Last thing if you are doing your best to have a relationship with your girlfriend and issues like this still come up then you should consider dumping her, not because she is a B@#$% but because you guys just aren't compatible and there is nothing wrong with that.

Ask her to be reasonable and be prepared to dump her if she won't be. Enjoyable hobbies and friends who share your interests are harder to find than a decent chick who'll actually enjoy your company for who you are, not for what she wants you to be.

From what you've said its her that is out of order, not you.

Of course, if you've been going out for a long time you might want to think hard before giving her the heave-ho, and perhaps discuss it first! But if she can't accept you and everything you are, its not worth persuing the relationship as you'll end up resenting each other and having bitter arguments.

Personally, back when I started dating my (now) wife, nearly 2 decades ago, she used to get jealous of my hobby time. We sat down and had a good talk about it. At the end, I calmly and nicely said that she could either accept me for what I was and what interested me, and accept that it wasn't unreasonable for me to want to spend a certain amount of time (once or twice a week) and money on those things, or she could find herself another boyfriend. Whatever her choice, I wasn't prepared to be moaned at and whinged about any longer (we'd been dating for 6 months, and the whinging had only started to happen for the last couple, IIRC.)

I said I'd much rather we stayed together, but in the end I thought she was being unreasonable and I wasn't prepared to go out with her any more if she persisted in pressing the point. Of course I was sensitive. I loved her (still do). But I also realised that I had to respect myself too, otherwise I wouldn't enjoy life at all. It helped that I knew her enough to realise that a lot of it was about her personal insecurities, and so I made sure she knew I did love her, and wanted to spend lots of time with her, and she was always no. 1 in my life when push came to shove - I made sure she know I wouldn't be wasting ridiculous amounts of money on hobbies, and I would always be prepared to sacrifice my time if something really important to her came up - say a birthday, or family celebration or something.

As we have been married now for nearly twenty years, have 3 lovely children, and I am still involved in my hobbies to an extent that suits us both, you can guess which way she jumped!

It's good to talk! Good luck!

Ahh my poor young wargaming friend... My wife of 15 years thinks that my little army guy hobby/addiction is an attractive part of my personality. Apparently, she thinks that since I am a big, biker type, tattoo guy that my hobby balances me & shows a boyish side of me somehow (HEY!! That is just what SHE says). I don't know, and I don't care. I was wargaming LONG before I met her.

My advice would be to tell her that, suddenly, you are finding her less attractive since her non-interest in your hobby, and the fact that she finds it somehow uncool, has shown you just how shallow a person she really is.

Get rid of the 'girl' & go find yourself a woman. You'll be MUCH happier!