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Ok guys, I need some advice on a bit of a situation I have.

In a nutshell, my girlfriend hates that i play wargames. Now I don't ever force her to play (i asked her once and got my head bitten off), I never paint when she's there, I never mention it. She knows that I always play on a thursday evening (so I she knows I can see her 6 days out of 7 if im not working), but she always tries to find ways around this. Like i'll ask her to go see a movie on a monday. "I'm busy". is the response. I dont ask her the next day, but ask again on Wednesday. "I'm busy". Comes the reply. Then on thursday I'm asked to go, then get shouted at for telling her no. This happens far to regularly for it to be a case of her being busy every Mon/Wed (which I know she is not).

But it's getting much worse than this.

She has been saying she is feeling "less" attracted to me because she feels that this hobby is "uncool". She says she'd rather hear about when I play football(soccer) than about hanging out with my friends on a Thursday. It's getting to the stage now where she is pressuring me to drop the hobby for her.

I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to break up with her either - there has to be some sort of compromise i'm not thinking of. I thought that by having a set night things would be ok, but she's really becoming relentless about this.

Any opinions appreciated Dakka!

If she can't accept that your hobby is "uncool" then maybe she is shallow...and therefore not worth the effort. My 2 cents.

Well I'm not a guidance counsellor or anything but any relationship involves give and take and a bit of compromise. If she isn't willing to compromise on your hobbies and interests then it probably won't work in the long run.

Get a new one.

She's not worth your time. Anyone worth throwing your hobby away for wouldn't ask you to do so in the first place.

Sorry, you're dating a controlling bitch.

I think you should ask to go do stuff on tuesday

It sounds like shes one of the people who thinks it is the lamest thing ever, I wouldn't say break up with her, but just let her know that your not dropping the hobby, so if she really has feelings for you shell understand.

Hopefully that works... if not...she might be a bit ignorant lol.

I guess it depends what is more important, her or your hobby. This is something only you can tell so it's a personal decision.

However you do need to consider whether you want to be with someone who is happy to leave you because they look down on your hobby. It's not that it takes up all your time (which would be a more acceptable reason to dislike it) but just that it is uncool.

But anway as I said at the start, only you can decide.

An old friend of mine had that problem. He chose her and sold his gaming stuff.
A few years later, when the divorce was final, he got back into gaming and painting.
Moral: She sounds unreasonable and manipulative. Decide if this is what you want or not. If not, then keep gaming. If she decides to leave you over your hobby thats her problem.

Relationships are about compromises, everybody has there own interests and hobbies and should be allowed to indulge them. Plus if she is startting to feel less attracted to you because you are doing something that is percieved as "uncool" then she is more worried about what people think about you and by extention what they will think of her, this is no way for a relationship to work, if you love/care about somebody then you dont care what other people think about them or whether they would be considered "cool."

If you give up your hobby, spending time with friends you will regreat it and will eventually resent that you gave up something you loved to do, especially if she is not making similar compromises for you which it certainly sounds like she isn't nor would be willing to. So my advice end it and look eslewhere, yes it might be hard and you might be unhappy for a while, but in the end it will be for the best.

She doesn't sound very reasonable to me, Thursday is your "busy" night. She sounds a bit controlling, any other hobbies you're not allowed to do? Sounds awful, I share a lot of interests with my wife, not everything but a fair bit. I don't mind the things we don't share interest in but we are different people and have individual interests that the other should respect, I wouldn't put up with being told to drop something all together because it doesn't fit in with her idea of 'cool', it seems selfish, to put her own self image or the opinions of others before your own happiness.

Tell her to get bent. And do it now.

Won't accept your hobby, not the girl for you. Simple as.

what came first, this girl or your hobby. If she knew you gamed before going out, sorry shes out. If the latter it's whats more important to you. This from a guy who has gamed since 1975, married 31 years with 2 kids grown and on their own.
Relationships are strange and basically give and take.

Snoopy

Here is a joke that sums it up:

Adam was in Garden of Eden, uncomfortable for a reason he couldn't explain, when the Lord came to him and said:
"Adam I see your are not happy."

Adam said:
"Yes Lord, but I don't understand why, Eden is so perfect!"

The Lord replied:
"I understand Adam, you are lonely, and I have a plan to fix this!"

Adam Said:
"Thank you Lord, that's wonderful!, How?"

The Lord replied:
"I will create a beautiful, flawless, intelligent, loving, companion for you, your equal in every way! I'm just going to need, one each of your eyes, legs and arms."

To this Adam replied,
"Lord, those all work best in pairs, forgive me for questioning, but I'm not sure what I would do without them! While that sounds wonderful, what could I get for something I don't need, say perhaps a rib?"



Then of course, the spiritual aside, there exists mathematical proof of Women being Evil:



All intended humorously. Good luck, that sounds tough.

I would never presume to tell my wife what she can and can't do at any given time and likewise nor she. That's the thing about relationships; it doesn't mean that you control the other person or that you have to spend 100% of your time together; a little space is a healthy thing.

filbert wrote:...a little space is a healthy thing.

...and I thought my joke was funny!

Tell her you're finding her less attractive since 36,537 of your friends reached a majority verdict that you should tell her to take a hike...

Ya, in all seriousness, if she really likes you this kind of thing wouldnt matter to her. Being upset you spend more time with your mini's than her is one thing, but simply being upset that you are doing it at all is wack and controlling.

Tell her what do you think is a bigger issue, the fact you quietly play nerd games with your friends once a week, or the fact she thinks it's ok to judge you and let it effect your relationship.

My wife is pretty cool and accepting of anything I do, and that's something I really appreciate about her. Lots of exes though attempted stuff like this, not about hobbying as I am kinda in the closet about it in real life lol, but other stuff. They were very rapidly kicked to the curb. If she can present a legitimate reason she doesnt like it beyond that it embarasses her, listen and communicate and see if you can't get to the root of the problem. If she is just worried what her friends will think, well then I'd probably say she's the one with insecurity issues that need looking at before you tackle wargaming lol.

Im inclined to say - dont bother, there are others out there. However, if keeping her is important, then you could try:
- moving your gaming session to a mon, tues, wed (as she's busy then);
- not talking about it with her around (my wife is happy enough for me to game/model, but she isnt exactly interested, so we talk about things we are both intersted in);
- and in all other ways keeping the two separate (ie, if she comes around, dont have the mini's on the table).

If this isnt enough, and she is still concerned cos its 'uncool', you may have found the single most shallow person in existence - quite an acheivement.

Did you keep the recipt? Because you can probably trade her in for some store credit.

No, but in all seriousness, if she is trying to control YOUR hobbies, dump her. She will next control your friend list, and then you.

If she can't accept something which you enjoy, she's probably looking out for what people think of her, ergo, she's shallow and not worth your time. I would ditch her and find someone who, at the very least, does not care that you do wargames, at the very best, takes an active interest in it.

If she's that intolerant of something you clearly enjoy, it's time to find someone else. A big part to relationships is learning to make comprimises and if she hasn't learned that lesson yet, then it's time to find someone mature.

My GF would never play a wargame in a million years, she's not into it at all and also thinks it's nerdy but she's glad I have a hobby that I enjoy no matter what it is. she just asks that I keep my saturdays free for her, and even though thats when my friends always play, I'm fine with that because there's 6 other days of the week that I can set up a time to play if I want to, and she could care less what I do on a sunday or monday or any other day.

Liking gaming should not be a prerequisite for a girlfriend, accepting that you like it should. Man up, and respectfully let her know that this is part of what you enjoy doing and that she needs to accept it. Sounds like she is far more concerned with how she feels your hobby reflects on her than she is with how much you enjoy it. That's not a recipe for a good relationship.

3 outcomes are possible.

1-If she leaves, then it's for the best. Mind you it will hurt, anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

2-If she stays, you've established that you are a person who deserves to be respected for who you are. It will set a very good tone for the relationships.

3-If you give in it won't be long before she finds other things she doesn't like about you to make you change and that's nothing but a long spiral down to breakup/divorce.

Just to clarify the situation.
1)How old are you?
2)Are their living arangements that would be in jeopardy if she dumps you?
3)How long have you been together?

None of the above would change my advice, but it would clarify what you're up against.

Lastly, as I stated first, liking gaming shouldn't be a prerequisite. My wife really dislikes gaming, but it doesn't at all change her commitment, attration, or respect shown to me.

Eilif wrote:Liking gaming should not be a prerequisite for a girlfriend, accepting that you like it should. Man up, and respectfully let her know that this is part of what you enjoy doing and that she needs to accept it. Sounds like she is far more concerned with how she feels your hobby reflects on her than she is with how much you enjoy it. That's not a recipe for a good relationship.

3 outcomes are possible.

1-If she leaves, then it's for the best. Mind you it will hurt, anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

2-If she stays, you've established that you are a person who deserves to be respected for who you are. It will set a very good tone for the relationships.

3-If you give in it won't be long before she finds other things she doesn't like about you to make you change and that's nothing but a long spiral down to breakup/divorce.

Just to clarify the situation.
1)How old are you?
2)Are their living arangements that would be in jeopardy if she dumps you?
3)How long have you been together?

None of the above would change my advice, but it would clarify what you're up against.

Lastly, as I stated first, liking gaming shouldn't be a prerequisite. My wife really dislikes gaming, but it doesn't at all change her commitment, attration, or respect shown to me.

To answer your questions Eilif:

1) I'm 24 and she is 23

2) I live alone while she lives with her parents.

3) 8 years - played warhammer on and off, but i've only been living alone for 2 years - she was aware I did it, but didn't want to know about it so didnt really know what was involved. Now shes's seen my models lying around the flat etc.

Some responses here sound a little hostile or defensive, but I find myself agreeing with them even so. The fact that she seems to want to change this aspect of your life might be a warning sign that she wants you to change in ways you're not prepared to do.

The wargaming may not be the issue here. I mean, it is the issue, but not the real issue. Does she know the "real you" in all of your dimensions? Does she accept that person?

I'm assuming she's an important part of your life, so I won't casually suggest you "get rid of her" or anything like that.

Instead I will ask, what's her real problem with the wargaming? And what does that problem tell you about her sense of the relationship?

Good luck, man.

I think all of the above posts have summed it up.

Youre in a catch 22 situation. If you give up gaming for her, at some point she will run out of things to make you do, get bored and dump you. Best thing to do is to stand up to her.

Basically, you are a person that enjoys playing wargames.

She does not like that you enjoy playing wargames.

Ergo, she does not like you for who you are. She is with you because she wants to change you, the root of the failure of a lot of relationships.

I think you'll notice 2 common trends in everyones replies
1. Shes really not worth the effort kick her to the curb
2. People who are married (like myself) or in a relationship dont have this problem because there partner sees warhammer for what it really is...a hobby...in the grand scheme of things you could be doing far FAR worse with your free time.

I'd cut your loses, the kind of mickey mouse games shes playing might have been cute and cuddly when you guys were 14 but not so much when your 24

Stand your ground. Giving in to this will only make you her bitch, and no fellow Dakkaite will become a bitch on my watch.

Tell her it's your life, your choice, and if she can't acknowledge that, ensure that the door does not hit her on the way out.

Drop that bitch like a hot stone.

If she wants to control you into giving up a game you love, you don't need that.

Slippery slope, you have 1 day a week for something you enjoy. If you give this up for her, then the next hobby she will permit/deny, and so on. It is your decision not hers. I guess I would let her know you will always have some hobby she may not enjoy, but this is for you not her. If she cannot handle that she has an issue, maybe a little immature thinking that you need to change to suit her every need. I had many a hobby that my girl friends did not like in the past. Years later I have a wife, and she does not like all of my hobbies, however she knows that it is a positive outlet for me to socialize and compete in some way. As a result of this I get to have some "me" time, it is reciprocal she gets her time as well for things she likes that I have no interest in.

If it does not work out it is not due to hobbies you choose, but boundaries being ignored or not repected.

Give her the boot. NOW.