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"A flaming fun guy!" Ha!

I ticked the last box on the poll, but only cos I found that funny too. An excellent post sir!

Damn... now I need to find some Sister jokes....

Sister 1:How many Cog-heads does it take to change a lamp wick?

Sister 2:Oh no, they've forgotten how to make light bulbs again.

Sister 1: How many Imperial Guard troopers does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2:Just one. Basic training. Reloading a las-gun.

Sister 1: How many Tyranids does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2: None, they just ate the person trying to change it.

Sister 1: How many Emperors of all mankind does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2: Just one. And it shall be so bright that you can use it to navigate the warp by.

Sister 1: How many kegs of fenrisian ale does it take to knock out a Space Wolf?

Sister 2:It depends on how hard you throw it.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call guardsmen who were exposed to the warp and mutated horribly?
SISTER RAVEN: Ex men.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you keep Iron Hands in?
SISTER RAVEN: Metal Boxes!

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! Who's the Ultramarines Greatest Foe?
SISTER RAVEN: Librarian Gargamael of the Thousand Sons.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How do you know a drop pod exploded during reentry?
SISTER RAVEN: It's raining men.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many heretics does it take to light up a whole city?
SISTER RAVEN: Fetch my flamer and we'll find out!

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What did you call that pug puppy on a little chain the Celestine gave you?
SISTER RAVEN: Emergency Ration.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call an incompetent Ultramarine who gets sisters killed all the time?
SISTER RAVEN: Brother Sargent Ward.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! The waiting room in the medicae tent is getting full, we need to do something about it.
SISTER RAVEN: Ok, hand me that frag grenade.

Sister Gloria of the Order of Iris: Why am I here? There's no point in me being here, everyone is already dead!.

Two newly inducted battle sisters are standing shoulder to shoulder, in their power armor for the first time. One looks at the other and says "You know, a man had to have designed these things. I mean, seriously, look at size of the boobs on it." The other responds: 'I know, mine are being squished flat too."

 BaronIveagh wrote:

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! Who's the Ultramarines Greatest Foe?
SISTER RAVEN: Librarian Gargamael of the Thousand Sons.

Ha!Took me a second there, but then it hit like a laughhammer.

Two newly inducted battle sisters are standing shoulder to shoulder, in their power armor for the first time. One looks at the other and says "You know, a man had to have designed these things. I mean, seriously, look at size of the boobs on it." The other responds: 'I know, mine are being squished flat too."

Heh. I strongly suspect (headcanon) that the actual Sister's bosoms are strapped down nice and tight and safe under multiple layers of armor -- Joan of Arc didn't need boobplates, after all, she just wore men's armor -- and the "breasts" on the armor are purely decorative, like the rippling muscles on a Roman general's parade armor.

In fact, I think the reality is this:

IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: Hello, Sister. Ummmm...
BATTLE SISTER: Yes?
GUARDSMAN: [nervously shuffles feet]
SISTER SUPERIOR: Her eyes are up here, son.
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: [turns very red]
SISTER SUPERIOR: You do realize her actual boobs are not that big, right?
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: [gagging sounds]
SISTER SUPERIOR: Here, let me show you.
BATTLE SISTER: Ma'am, please don't.
[The SUPERIOR grabs the BATTLE SISTER's armor by the LEFT BREAST and TWISTS.]
BATTLE SISTER: Oh well.
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: Oh. My. God.
[The armor "breast" pops off, revealing.... perfectly flat armor plate underneath]
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: Oh.
SISTER SUPERIOR: They're fething HOLLOW.

 SisterSydney wrote:

 Luke_Prowler wrote:
SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call an ork who's on fire?
SISTER RAVEN: A flaming fun guy

Owwwww. Just got this terrible, terrible pun on second reading. God that's beautifully awful.

Thank you folks, I'll be here all week

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What's blue and black and warm to the touch?
SISTER RAVEN: A Tau killed with a flamer
SISTER KORIANDER: So what killed the other Tau?
SISTER RAVEN: Supporting fire

(Two Sisters of Battle are observing the PDF of the Shrine World they are stationed on going through maneuvers)

Sister Koriander: Hey, they aren't half-bad!
Sister Raven: You're right... they're ALL bad!

******

(Two Sisters of Battle are in battle with some Xeno foe, holding the line and delivering the Emperor's justice to the aliens when the IG Commander the next trench over gets a crazy idea and leads his men in a glorious, though futile, charge that gets him and all his men killed.)

Sister Koriander: Well, that was different...
Sister Raven: Yep. Lousy...
Both: ... but different!

********
(Choir practice, something all young Novitiates are required to be involved in)

Novitiate Koriander: Can you sing tenor?
Novitiate Raven: What?
Novitiate Koriander: You know, tenor! As in, 'can you sing ten or eleven miles away from here!'

Sister Koriander: "Where does the warmaster keep his armies?"

Sister Raven: "Up his sleeve-ies."

This thread made me laugh.

In the middle of a massive battle, two sisters approach a squad of space marines hunkered behind a flakboard wall in the blown out remains of a hab. The marines tell the sisters to 'go back to the kitchen'. To their surprise, the sisters laugh and do so.

After the battle, the single surviving Marine sees the sisters waving to him from the remains of the kitchen. To his astonishment, they'd made a small bunker of steel refrigeration units and granite counter tops.



Several sisters are at choir practice, but the organist keeps throwing everyone off. At last the sisters stop and ask the organist what's bothering her.

"It's nothing" she sighed "I keep forgetting and trying to shift gears while I play."


A dark eldar homunculus reports to his cabal: "I regret to inform the cabal that I cannot extract any pain from the captured battle sister. She simply keeps laughing at my efforts and telling me how she survived a Matt Ward codex..."


A battle sister arrives at her first war zone. She find her new squad looking haggard, smoking lho sticks, gambling, and drinking when not in chapel or on the front lines. Unable to grasp what could possibly have happened, she corners the sister superior in a bar one night.

"What on Terra is wrong with all of you?" she demanded.

"Well, you know what they tell us about space marines are the greatest of the Emperor's servants and the primarchs were among his greatest creations and how regular people like us are down the list a ways?"

"Yes"

"Ever met a space marine?"

"No."

"You're about to. Hey, Wolfgar! We got a noob here who wants to hear about Leman Russ!"



Several sisters were standing around gossiping with two female guardswomen when one of the sisters asked if the guardswomen would want to trade armor for a single battle, and were astonished when all of them declined, stating their armor was better.

Flabberghasted, the sisters demanded to know how this was possible and accused the gaurdswomen of lying. At last, one of them agreed to swap with one of the sisters for a single day, so they swapped gear.

The next day after the battle, the sister came back and traded uniforms as agreed. Seeing her sitting around looking morose, her fellow sisters asked her what was wrong. She fidgeted for a moment and admitted the guardswomen had been right.

"Now I want a Baneblade, too."

Oh. My. God., BaronIveagh, these are all really, really good. You are my exalted friend now.

This thread is full of cringe...

 BaronIveagh wrote:


Several sisters were standing around gossiping with two female guardswomen when one of the sisters asked if the guardswomen would want to trade armor for a single battle, and were astonished when all of them declined, stating their armor was better.

Flabberghasted, the sisters demanded to know how this was possible and accused the gaurdswomen of lying. At last, one of them agreed to swap with one of the sisters for a single day, so they swapped gear.

The next day after the battle, the sister came back and traded uniforms as agreed. Seeing her sitting around looking morose, her fellow sisters asked her what was wrong. She fidgeted for a moment and admitted the guardswomen had been right.

"Now I want a Baneblade, too."

Best one of them all imho


Sister 1:How many Raven Guards does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2:Raven Guards aren't scared of the dark.

Sister 1:How many heathen Eldar does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2:Just one. But in the good old days of the Great Empire a billion light bulbs would be changed at their slightest whim.

Sister 1:How many Tech-priests does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister2:Just one. But you had better be prepared to hear them go on and on and on about how light bulbs are not as bright as they were in the Dark Age Of Technology.

Sister 1:How many Inquisitors does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2:There is no light bulb. You saw no light bulb. There was never a light bulb there. You ask to many questions.

Sister 1:How many Dark Angels does it take to change a light bulb?

Sister 2:Ssshh. It's a secret.

Sister 1:What does a Chaos Worshiper have in common with a slinky?
Sister 2:They are both fun to watch after you push them down the stairs.

Sister 1:How many Chaos Worshipers does it take to conquer Terra?

Sister 2:It is hard to say because despite 13 attempts they have yet to manage it.

Sister 1:How many gears does a Chaos Worshipers Baneblade have?

Sister 2:2. Stop and reverse.

Sister 1:What is the first thing you learn upon joining the Bloodpact army?

Sister 2:How to say 'I Surrender' in High Gothic.

Sister 1:What is the difference between a piece of toast and a Chaos Worshiper?

Sister 2:You can make soldiers out of the piece of toast.

Sister 1:How do you get a Chaos Worshiper to get down from a tree?

Sister 2:Cut the rope.

2 Guardsmen in a tank.
One turns to the other and says 'glub?'

How many techpriests does it take to change a light bulb?
10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to worship the omnissiah in his aspect of 'giver of light'

How many neconrs does it take to change a light bulb?
0 - The fething thing NEVER dies!

A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."

A battle sister is giggling in the chow line. "What's so funny?" asks another. "I just overheard Sergeant Calculon in the Ultramarine personnel section tell a adept to calculate the pay entry base date for a venerable dreadnaught." (this is a spin on the 'box of grid squares joke. ahhh... now you get it).

A sister was travelling through an imperial spaceport when a security officer asked her if she had any weaponry. She asked "what do you need dear?"

A battle sister gets a knock on the door, when she opens it there is a Necron standing there. She blasts it with her melta-gun. Ten minutes later there is another knock on the door. The Necron is like "What the hell was that about?!"

- J

*CLAP*

I have been avoiding this thread like a plague because I always seem to hate any attempt of a 40k written joke. I THOUGHT the only ones decentes ones are the visual ones. No more, there's fantastic stuff here

The Light bult and the heretic one was one of the best for me, together with the "fun guy" oh, when that one clicked, almost burst laughing in the middle of the office.

We NEED a SoB version of these two to represent KORIANDER and RAVEN:

 necrondog99 wrote:
A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."

I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?

 Happyjew wrote:

 necrondog99 wrote:
A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."

I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?

i thought the same thing after reading that.

Thatguyhsagun wrote:

 Happyjew wrote:

 necrondog99 wrote:
A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."

I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?

i thought the same thing after reading that.

That's a variant of an old Churchill anecdote, and he also rarely got sober

 TheDraconicLord wrote:
*CLAP*

I have been avoiding this thread like a plague because I always seem to hate any attempt of a 40k written joke. I THOUGHT the only ones decentes ones are the visual ones. No more, there's fantastic stuff here

The Light bult and the heretic one was one of the best for me, together with the "fun guy" oh, when that one clicked, almost burst laughing in the middle of the office.

We NEED a SoB version of these two to represent KORIANDER and RAVEN:

... most of the one's I've written in this thread were cribbed from Statler & Waldorf routines.

 BaronIveagh wrote:
In the middle of a massive battle, two sisters approach a squad of space marines hunkered behind a flakboard wall in the blown out remains of a hab. The marines tell the sisters to 'go back to the kitchen'. To their surprise, the sisters laugh and do so.

After the battle, the single surviving Marine sees the sisters waving to him from the remains of the kitchen. To his astonishment, they'd made a small bunker of steel refrigeration units and granite counter tops.

Winning hard.

Hahaha. Some of these will be great for my DH campaign.

Totally. I'm thinking of introducing a red-haired Sister and her black-haired compatriot, simply observing the various antics of the PCs and offering side-line commentary.

Several sisters were showering when one made the boast that while all were good looking, she was obviously the prettiest. This led to a rather spirited debate on the merits of their various figures, scars, and tattoos. When the sister superior entered the shower, they all stopped, looking embarrassed for a moment at their vanity.

The Sister superior then observed: "It's all nonsense anyway. I'm the best looking."

"How do you know that Sister?" one asked.

"Easy." She said, pressing her flamer against the shower wall "There's six feet of adamantium reenforced plascrete between this room and the IG bunker next door, and my shower stall is the only one they've drilled a peep hole through to so far." and pulled the trigger.




"Well, yes it hurts, but think how much worse it would be if the bolt round had actually detonated." Sister Gloria of the Order of Iris



"Well.... most of him." Sister Gloria of the Order of Iris, when asked if she had found the Inquisitor's missing informant.




A sister once asked a Magos Biologis why there were no female space marines, as the answer the Space Marines gave conflicted with her knowledge of biology.

The Magos sat for a moment and ruminated, and then said "The truth is, we tried it once. It worked great right up until some jerk in a bar turned out to be an Inquisitor..."





Three Celestines were sitting together. Two of them were animatedly talking abut the huge bananas and oranges they had seen on an agriworld. The third, a bit hard of hearing, asked:
"Brother-Sargent Who?"




A sister approached several guardsmen who were running a still behind the ammo dump and lectured them on the evils of drink, threatening to inform their commissar about their illicit operation if they didn't hand over thier contraband to her to be destroyed. Putting all the jars of amasec into a bag, they handed it over and pledged to follow the letter of regulations.

The sister took the bag and walked away. After a little ways she was met by several of her fellow sisters who then divvied up the jars, one of them saying 'I can't believe that plan actually worked".

Sister: "What do you call a Glavian with a jump pack?"
Novitiate: "Uh...." (Novitiate looks mortified)
Sister: "A Seraphim! What are you, racist?"

 Psienesis wrote:
Totally. I'm thinking of introducing a red-haired Sister and her black-haired compatriot, simply observing the various antics of the PCs and offering side-line commentary.

Haha, that would be brilliant. I'm playing as a loudmouth Guardsman, so some of these wise-crackes would be great for him.

Oh, you could do 10,001 jokes from a Guard point of view. Mostly about getting screwed over in horrible ways......

 SisterSydney wrote:
Oh, you could do 10,001 jokes from a Guard point of view. Mostly about getting screwed over in horrible ways......

No thatd be from a slaanesh cultist POV. *bah dum tis*

Q: How many Tech Priests does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 10. One to change the lightbulb and one to praise the Omnissiah.



Q: How many Space Wolves does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. There are no light bulbs on Fenris.

Valete,

JohnS

 cygnnus wrote:
Q: How many Tech Priests does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 10. One to change the lightbulb and one to praise the Omnissiah.

HAH!