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2014/05/21 04:49:03
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/05/21 13:57:01
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
let's see, noses that have been broken several times over, dentition that the apothecary had to replace so many times only the techmarine knows how to fix it, scars across the entire body that make the body look more like a misshapen lump of cratered, blasted, burnt, torn and split patchwork of leather, odd limbs and ends that've been replaced by metal bits, with all manner of metal sockets distributed about their entire body, hair that's been singed off, singed back on, and then burnt off again, complete with disproportionately dimensioned anatomy stemming from the need to fit the extra organs, muscle and bone mass inside the body. Some marines are pretty. Most of them would meet reality and end up with an appearance that would do nothing more than make grown men cry like a child to the tune of "kill it with fire!"
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/05/22 07:26:39
15 successful trades as a buyer;
16 successful trades as a seller;
To glimpse the future, you must look to the past and understand it. Names may change, but human behavior repeats itself. Prophetic insight is nothing more than profound hindsight.
It doesn't matter how bloody far the apple falls from the tree. If the apple fell off of a Granny Smith, that apple is going to grow into a Granny bloody Smith. The only difference is whether that apple grows in the shade of the tree it fell from.
2014/05/22 07:57:04
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
let's see, noses that have been broken several times over, dentition that the apothecary had to replace so many times only the techmarine knows how to fix it, scars across the entire body that make the body look more like a misshapen lump of cratered, blasted, burnt, torn and split patchwork of leather, odd limbs and ends that've been replaced by metal bits, with all manner of metal sockets distributed about their entire body, hair that's been singed off, singed back on, and then burnt off again, complete with disproportionately dimensioned anatomy stemming from the need to fit the extra organs, muscle and bone mass inside the body. Some marines are pretty. Most of them would meet reality and end up with an appearance that would do nothing more than make grown men cry like a child to the tune of "kill it with fire!"
don't forget salamander. "oh god! run from the creeper!"
*Insert witty and/or interesting statement here*
2014/05/22 14:37:30
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
let's see, noses that have been broken several times over, dentition that the apothecary had to replace so many times only the techmarine knows how to fix it, scars across the entire body that make the body look more like a misshapen lump of cratered, blasted, burnt, torn and split patchwork of leather, odd limbs and ends that've been replaced by metal bits, with all manner of metal sockets distributed about their entire body, hair that's been singed off, singed back on, and then burnt off again, complete with disproportionately dimensioned anatomy stemming from the need to fit the extra organs, muscle and bone mass inside the body. Some marines are pretty. Most of them would meet reality and end up with an appearance that would do nothing more than make grown men cry like a child to the tune of "kill it with fire!"
So, hockey players, basically.
veho sicut tu furabar
2014/05/22 14:46:04
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Brother Statler: "Even in death, we still endure!"
Brother Waldorf: "Yeah, endure these jokes!"
Both: "DOHOHO- crap."
Ok, now I am forever going to imagine Ven Dreads as cranky old guys and mentally assign them voice actors ranging from Walter Matthau to Clint Eastwood.
Well that or cranky old guys who refer to themselves in third person.
"TANKRED ENDURES!"
2014/05/22 14:46:54
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
let's see, noses that have been broken several times over, dentition that the apothecary had to replace so many times only the techmarine knows how to fix it, scars across the entire body that make the body look more like a misshapen lump of cratered, blasted, burnt, torn and split patchwork of leather, odd limbs and ends that've been replaced by metal bits, with all manner of metal sockets distributed about their entire body, hair that's been singed off, singed back on, and then burnt off again, complete with disproportionately dimensioned anatomy stemming from the need to fit the extra organs, muscle and bone mass inside the body. Some marines are pretty. Most of them would meet reality and end up with an appearance that would do nothing more than make grown men cry like a child to the tune of "kill it with fire!"
So, hockey players, basically.
Except with more methul bawkses.
2014/05/22 17:33:13
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Remembrancer Carr: "Ave Imperator, Remembrancer Carr again. Chaplain Denis, I know that some in our audience don't know the finer points of Astartes Battlesport. Could you tell them, for example, what is icing?"
Chaplain Denis: "Well, um, icing happen when the puck come down, bang you know, before the other guys you know. Nobody there, you know. My arm go comme ça then the game stop then start up."
Remembrancer Carr: "I see. What is high-sticking?"
Chaplain Denis: "High-sticking happen when the guy take the crozius, you know, and he go like that-"
(high-sticks Remembrancer Carr)
Chaplain Denis: "-you know. You don't do that."
Remembrancer Carr: "You don't do that?"
Chaplain Denis: "Oh no, never, never."
Remembrancer Carr: "Why not?"
Chaplain Denis: "Is Heresy. You know, you're stupid when you do that. Just some Traitor pig with no brains, you know."
Remembrancer Carr: "Uh, what is slashing?"
Chaplain Denis: "Slashing is um, like that-"
(Chaplain Denis hacks at Remembrancer Carr's gloves)
Chaplain Denis: "Take the crozius in game and smack downwards you know."
Remembrancer Carr: "Mm-hmm. And there's a penalty for that?"
Chaplain Denis: "Yeah and for the trip also, you know like that-"
(Chaplain Denis swats Remembrancer Carr across the shins with his crozius)
Chaplain Denis "And for hook like this-"
(Chaplain Denis drags Remembrancer Carr closer with the back of the aquila's wing on his crozius)
Chaplain Denis: "And for spear, you know, like that."
(Crozius to the liver, poke-check style)
Chaplain Denis: "You do that, you go to the metal box, you know. Two minutes, by yourself, you know and you feel shame, you know. And then you Repent your sin against He Who Watch From Da Earth, then you get free."
Remembrancer Carr: "Tonight's game starts at 1900 hours at the Memorial of War Arena. I may even be there if I heal in time. All children tonight get a free grox-dog with a paid admission."
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2014/05/22 17:35:14
veho sicut tu furabar
2014/05/22 19:35:32
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Ahh, Slap Shot. Truly one of the best hockey movies out there.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/05/22 19:37:38
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Guardsman Bob: Wanna hear a joke?
Guardsman Bill: ?
Guardsman Bob: Women's rights...
Bill + Bob: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*boltgun is cocked*
Note to the reader: my username is not arrogance. No, my name is taken from the most excellent of commanders: Lord Castellan Creed, of the Imperial Guar- I mean Astra Militarum - who has a special rule known only as "Tactical Genius"... Although nowhere near as awesome as before, it now allows some cool stuff for the Guar- Astra Militarum - player. FEAR ME AND MY TWO WARLORD TRAITS.
2014/05/24 02:22:22
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit overcharged...
Customer: Oh, I like it overcharged.
Owner: Well,.. It's very overcharged, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the rare prototype which may only be taking once per detachment! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit more overcharged than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fething overcharged it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer: What now?
Owner: The Tyranid's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Customer: (pause) Autocannon?
Owner: No.
Customer: Autogun?
Owner: No.
Customer: Autopistol?
Owner: No.
Customer: Hot-shot volley gun?
Owner: No.
Customer: Punisher gatling cannon?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some weapons, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a weapons shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, airbursting frag projector.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Airbursting Frag Projector Junior, that's my name.
Customer: (pause) Flamer?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Meltagun?
Owner: No.
Customer: Multi-melta,
Owner: No.
Customer: Chem cannon,
Owner: No.
Customer: Inferno gun.
Owner: No.
Customer: Twin-linked turbolaser destructor,
Owner: No.
Customer: Close combat weapon.
Owner: No.
Customer: Icarus stormcannon array?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Customer: (pause) Aah, how about lasguns?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular weapon 'round hyah?
Owner: Rad grenade, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this sector, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...rad grenades, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a weapon shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by weaponry....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Deathstrike missiles, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Deathstrike missiles?
Owner: No.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any weapons here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you for heresy.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a bolt pistol and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Cheese shop sketch copypasta has infinite variation...
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
And while we're rewriting classic scenes for 40K, here's a Glengarry Glen Ross copypasta:
INQUISITOR: They all here?
CANONESS: All but one.
INQUISITOR: I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important.
[SISTER KORIANDER starts to pour herself some recaf.]
INQUISITOR: Put. That. Recaf. Down. Recaf's for closers only.
[KORIANDER just stares at him]
INQUISITOR: You think I'm fething with you? I am not fething with you. I'm here from Holy Terra. I'm here from the Order Hereticus. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Koriander? You call yourself a Sororitas, you excuse for a bitch?
SISTER RAVEN: I don't gotta sit here and listen to this gak.
[RAVEN gets up from her pew....]
INQUISITOR: You certainly don't, girl, 'cause the good news is - you're sentenced to death.
[....and she sits right back down.]
INQUISITOR: The bad news is it's a SUSPENDED sentence: you've got, all of you've got, just one week to save your lives, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's crusade. Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. Cause we're adding a little something to this month's heretic-cleansing contest. As you all know, first prize is a golden icon of Saint Celestine. Anyone wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of chainsaw blades. Third prize is you're dead. Get the picture? You laughing now? You got suspects. Ordo Hereticus paid good money, got their names to nab them. You can't cleanse the heretics you're given, you can't cleanse gak. You ARE gak. Hit the bricks, bitch, and beat it 'cause you are going OUT.
KORIANDER: The evidence is weak.
INQUISITOR: The EVIDENCE is weak? Fething evidence is weak. YOU'RE weak. I've been in this business 15 years....
RAVEN: What's your name?
INQUISITOR: Feth you. That's my name. You know why, missy? You rode a Rhino to get here. I drove an 8,000-year-old Land Raider with two twin-linked lascannons. THAT'S my name. And your name is 'you're wanting.' You can't play in the man's game, you can't cleanse them - go home and tell your priest your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life: Get them to sign on the line saying "I confess." You hear me you, fething bitches?
[The INQUISITOR smacks a holo-display. It flickers to life, showing text at which he points as he speaks.]
INQUISITOR: A-B-C. A - Always, B - Be, C - Cleansing. Always be Cleansing. ALWAYS BE CLEANSING.
[He smacks the display again. New text appears]
INQUISITOR: S-A-E-E. Suspicion, Apprehension, Excruciation, Execution. Suspicion: do you have the name of a suspect? Apprehension: do you have him in custody? Excruciation: you make him name the next suspect. Execution: you got him to name names, so why ain't he dead yet? S-A-E-E. Get out there - you got the suspects, bring 'em in. You don't think EVERYBODY is guilty of SOMETHING? A guy who pleads innocent is guilty of wasting your time. They're sitting out there, waiting to burn. Are you gonna burn 'em? Are you bitch enough to burn 'em?
[Raven shakes her head.]
INQUISITOR: What's the problem, bitch? You - Raven.
RAVEN: You're such a hero, you're so grimdark, how come you're coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bitches?
INQUISITOR: You see this pauldron? You see this pauldron?
RAVEN: Yeah.
INQUISITOR: That pauldron weighs more than you. I killed 970,000 heretics and traitors last year. How many did you kill? You see, bitch, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice girl? I don't give a gak. Good shot? Feth you! Go home and shoot tin cans. You wanna work here - cleanse! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock sucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a crusade? You don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the evidence you've got and kill 150 people. Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can YOU? Go and do likewise. S-A-E-E. Get mad, you pathetic bitches. Get mad! You want to know what it takes to cleanse planets?
[The Inquisitor opens an ornate casket covered with skulls].
INQUISITOR: It takes BRASS BALLS to cleanse planets.
[The Inquisitor pulls out two human skulls, covered in brass. He holds them over his crotch in a... suggestive position.]
KORIANDER: Um, sir, we're all female...
INQUISITOR (ignoring her): Go and do likewise, girls. Heretics are out there. You pick them up, you kill 'em. You don't, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those crusades tonight and cleanse, CLEANSE. It's yours. If not, you're gonna be my new arco-flagellant. And you know what you'll be saying - a bunch of losers sittin' around in their excruciation helmet. 'Oh yeah. I used to be a Sororitas. It's a tough racket.'
[The Inquisitor produces a data cartridge and holds it reverently aloft].
INQUISITOR: These are the new suspects. These are the Adeptus Glengarry suspects. And to you they're gold, and you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for cleansers. I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it.
[The Inquisitor leans over Raven and speaks quietly in her ear].
INQUISITOR: And to answer your question, girl, why am I here? I came here because the Adeptus Ministorum asked me to. They asked me for a favour. I said the real favour, follow my advice and purge your fething ass because a loser is a loser.
This message was edited 5 times. Last update was at 2014/05/25 20:26:16
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Tell a Guardsman a joke. He will laugh three times. The first when you tell the joke, the second when you explain the joke, and the third late at night when he finally gets it.
An Astartes will laugh twice. Once when you tell the joke, once when you explain it. An Astartes will never get it.
A Sister will laugh once. She will get it right away.
An Inquisitor will not laugh at all. He will inform you the joke is old, you told it wrong, and it is heretical. Then he will shoot you.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/05/24 19:08:32
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Exalted. Now trying to remember what the original four figures are in that joke...
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
SisterSydney wrote: Exalted. Now trying to remember what the original four figures are in that joke...
he first (and only) time I heard it, it was an Englishman, a German, an American, and a Jew.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/05/24 19:36:48
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
SisterSydney wrote: Exalted. Now trying to remember what the original four figures are in that joke...
he first (and only) time I heard it, it was an Englishman, a German, an American, and a Jew.
Wait, are you telling me that Americans stereotype US as stupid?!
Note to the reader: my username is not arrogance. No, my name is taken from the most excellent of commanders: Lord Castellan Creed, of the Imperial Guar- I mean Astra Militarum - who has a special rule known only as "Tactical Genius"... Although nowhere near as awesome as before, it now allows some cool stuff for the Guar- Astra Militarum - player. FEAR ME AND MY TWO WARLORD TRAITS.
Waaagh an' a 'alf
1500 Pts WIP 
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