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 Peregrine wrote:

Filthy Sanchez wrote:
After that, work on some fairly neutral, honest, nice, meet-and-greet kinds of things, and try them out. "Hello, I hope I'm not interrupting. I saw you walk in, I thought you were pretty, and I wanted to introduce myself." Extend hand, "My name is soandso." See what happens. If she is with a group of friends, or seems busy, remove pressure by handing her your card (a napkin, whatever) with your number or email address, and saying, "I'd welcome the opportunity to get to know you a bit. Maybe we could coffee sometime?" Unless you get an outright no, tell her that you hope she calls, and be on your way.

Does anyone ever have any luck with this? I mean, you know absolutely nothing about the person other than they're female and (presumably) alive, so where's the common ground for a date? Are you just hoping that after repeating the same approach with enough women you'll finally find someone both desperate enough to go on a date with a completely random stranger and compatible enough with you that the date isn't a waste of time? I really don't understand how this is supposed to accomplish anything besides getting a lot of awkward rejections and possibly a reputation for being incredibly desperate.

so you cannot understand how two people who have never met, could meet?

a stranger is just a friend you havent met yet... almost everyone is strangers with the person they end up with before they meet them.

besides, if you already knew someone who wanted to date you, you probably dont need to read this thread, where the whole point is many people dont know someone who wants to date them.


Actually asking women if they are interested is quite often successful for finding out if they are interested, and at actually getting a positive response (provided you dress *well* have something resembling charm are polite and have good hygiene I cannot stress this enough) filthy sanchez is giving good advice, once you get over the fear of rejection you learn to make it less awkward. Be polite, feth off when told to the first time, but plenty of women are just waiting for guys to talk to them in real life instead of msg their POF inbox.

you are not asking to feth, your asking to get to know them in the hopes they are your type and form a relationship.

I had grandparents who lasted till they died who met randomly in the que, i know dozens of people, myself included, who just bump into other people in the street/shopping/whereever, talk and hit it off. one would think having, or developing, the skill to make new relationships would be a positive thing.

so yes the whole "walk by a girl smile at her, she smiles back" followed by a short conversation which reveals commons interests, happens *all the time*

you never hear of love at first sight?


edit for sp

Very rarely do I die laughing before I even open up a thread. Much thanks, Dakka.

 easysauce wrote:
so you cannot understand how two people who have never met, could meet?

I can understand meeting someone if you have a reason to meet (common activity, online dating, etc). I can't understand how anyone could have any success walking up to a random stranger and saying "hi, I'm Bob, let's go on a date", or why you'd even want to do that.

i know dozens of people, myself included, who just bump into other people in the street/shopping/whereever, talk and hit it off.

Yes, but note the important word in that sentence: talk. There's a difference between having a natural conversation then eventually asking to see the person again and just walking up to a random stranger, saying "you're hot" and handing them a card with your phone number on it. One is taking advantage of opportunities as they occur, the other is attempting to get a date with every woman you encounter and hoping to get lucky by sheer volume and stubborn persistence.

you never hear of love at first sight?

I've heard of it. It's a stupid concept that sets unrealistic expectations, and not something anyone should waste their time thinking about if they're single.

inferno445 wrote:
While I haven't read this whole page, I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something like what I'm going through right now.

The girl I like lives in a different state, pretty far from me. When I did live there we were friends. I did ask her out once, but I was turned down cuz there was another guy in the school who was making it very clear he wanted to date her, but we moved on from that and kinda acted like it didn't happen.
When I visited over the summer we had a pretty good time, and I really started to like her a bit more than a friend again... The issue is that she has a boyfriend who she's been with for a about a year who lives in the UK.
Should I even bother waiting to see if they break up and maybe try a long distance relationship a while afterwards since she clearly doesn't mind it (It's not like I have any friends where I live now, let alone a girlfriend), or just move on and remain "just friends" with her?

(Sorry for how it kinda turned into a wall of text)

I'm sorry man. If they break up, she's not going to want another long distance relationship for a while. Find something else.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

chaos0xomega wrote:
What Easy said.

... Would that be Easier said than done? Badum tissshhh

I dunno if I mentioned it in this thread or not, but a friend of mine had calling cards that had his name and phone number on them, and simply said "person of interest", he would give them to women he met while at parties or just around in a manner similar to the above ("hey, we should get coffee sometime, k thnx bai"), he got a lot of dates that way, though I'd say the fact that he's handsome and fairly charming helped.

If you think about it though, it couldn't hurt. If you're walking down the street and see a pretty young thing approaching, chances are you're not going to be able to stop her for a meaningful conversation ANYWAY, so the card provides both a good opener as well as the *potential* to maybe score a date with someone you wouldn't ordinarily have an opportunity to ask out.

chaos0xomega wrote:
I dunno if I mentioned it in this thread or not, but a friend of mine had calling cards that had his name and phone number on them, and simply said "person of interest", he would give them to women he met while at parties or just around in a manner similar to the above ("hey, we should get coffee sometime, k thnx bai"), he got a lot of dates that way, though I'd say the fact that he's handsome and fairly charming helped.

If you think about it though, it couldn't hurt. If you're walking down the street and see a pretty young thing approaching, chances are you're not going to be able to stop her for a meaningful conversation ANYWAY, so the card provides both a good opener as well as the *potential* to maybe score a date with someone you wouldn't ordinarily have an opportunity to ask out.

A friend of mine did that too. He had a site printing up proper business cards with name, number, email, Facebook-url, the whole thing. All over a colourful and aesthetically pleasing but ridiculously standard Toco Toucan background, though that was probably part of the joke.

lol, did he have success with that? Also, using 'proper business cards' in that way is considered a faux pas, although given that it was all his personal info I'm assuming you don't literally mean business cards

 Peregrine wrote:

Filthy Sanchez wrote:
After that, work on some fairly neutral, honest, nice, meet-and-greet kinds of things, and try them out. "Hello, I hope I'm not interrupting. I saw you walk in, I thought you were pretty, and I wanted to introduce myself." Extend hand, "My name is soandso." See what happens. If she is with a group of friends, or seems busy, remove pressure by handing her your card (a napkin, whatever) with your number or email address, and saying, "I'd welcome the opportunity to get to know you a bit. Maybe we could coffee sometime?" Unless you get an outright no, tell her that you hope she calls, and be on your way.

Does anyone ever have any luck with this? I mean, you know absolutely nothing about the person other than they're female and (presumably) alive, so where's the common ground for a date? Are you just hoping that after repeating the same approach with enough women you'll finally find someone both desperate enough to go on a date with a completely random stranger and compatible enough with you that the date isn't a waste of time? I really don't understand how this is supposed to accomplish anything besides getting a lot of awkward rejections and possibly a reputation for being incredibly desperate.

Cold approaches are difficult but definitely doable, and usually it helps if you're in a situation where random social interaction is encouraged (i.e., a bar). I've gotten quite a few numbers off of cold approaches in bars.

It's not my preferred method of picking up dates though for sure, but I like to play darts so I find myself in bars quite frequently especially when my friends are around. If you frequent social pickup locations (like bars) and are reasonably well-dressed and attractive, you'll have women cold approaching YOU.

I ended up hooking up with a friend's wife's former PhD adviser at an academic conference...cold approached her and her friend. They were talking to some guy...walked up, introduced myself, we got to talking and it turns out that we actually know some of the same people. Even though, I'm sure that if we hadn't had that connection something still would have happened, as her friend (with whom I had zero connection) was getting a little bit friendly as well, and it was clear that it could have gone either way.

That said - I wouldn't rely on cold approaches. The type of woman who is interested in random guys showing an interest in her is really not somebody you ought to be dating long term. Yes I know, double standards blah blah blah, don't care...you can listen to me or you can listen to some politically correct white knight virgin.

I dont think you are picking up what is being laid down here...

you talk to a lot of girls, with the express intention of just simply getting used to talking to them without getting all afraid and "what if" ing yourself or talking yourself out of it... you are talking to women to start conversations... conversations that go well and hint at her being interested should always lead to that interest being confirmed or denied instead of left to the imagination and constantly thinking "what if i asked that girl who seemed interested out"

once that fear is gone, you start to be able to see opportunities arise out of conversations and take those opportunities as opposed to talking yourself out of it.

we didnt say to just walk up and say "hi im bob wanna go out?" to every girl you meet and give them a card.. we said walk up to girls and *TALK* to them and see where the conversation goes.

So on the one hand, you are belittling people for talking to woman, then on the other hand telling people if they want to get dates, they need to talk to women...

first you learn to talk to women, then you learn to listen to women, then you learn who's interested and who is not. Just because its not for you, doesnt make it wrong or the people who do it "desparate".

Dumping on guys for approaching women is just more fuel on the "fear fire" that all these dakka guys already have in spades.. they dont need you stigmatizing something that is already hard enough... society puts all the pressure on the male to initiate relationships, its a lot harder to initiate then it is to sit back and cherry pick from a long line of potential suitors... we wouldnt have this thread if there wasnt a lot of guys who have a hard time initiating relationships.

I think Nuggz make s good point about being someplace where social interaction is expected. In his example, he was there to play darts. It just happened to also be a place where he could meet people too. His goal wasn't to get a date, but to play darts.

If he did get a date hat was great, but if he didn;t he would still hav hada good time playing darts. So do things where social interactions is expected, but be there to have fun yourself first. The potential date is just gravy.

 easysauce wrote:
we didnt say to just walk up and say "hi im bob wanna go out?" to every girl you meet and give them a card.. we said walk up to girls and *TALK* to them and see where the conversation goes.

No, that's exactly what other people said. Go back and read the advice, they're suggesting that people just walk up to a random stranger and ask for a date. That was the whole point of the card, so that you can give someone your number when you don't even have time for the most basic of conversations. In their own words:

If you're walking down the street and see a pretty young thing approaching, chances are you're not going to be able to stop her for a meaningful conversation ANYWAY, so the card provides both a good opener as well as the *potential* to maybe score a date with someone you wouldn't ordinarily have an opportunity to ask out.

That's not having normal social interaction and looking for opportunities, it's throwing yourself at random strangers and hoping to find someone as desperate as you are.

So on the one hand, you are belittling people for talking to woman, then on the other hand telling people if they want to get dates, they need to talk to women...

No, I'm saying to talk to women when it's an appropriate context. If it's a situation where it would be appropriate to talk to another man then sure, have the same kind of conversation and if it seems to be going well maybe consider asking to see them again. The issue is the predatory approach where every random person on the street is a potential date and the only strategy is to throw yourself at all of them as quickly as possible until you finally get lucky. Even if works eventually is it really worth the price of making a lot of people feel uncomfortable and harassed, and potentially earning a reputation for being "that guy"?


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Easy E wrote:
I think Nuggz make s good point about being someplace where social interaction is expected. In his example, he was there to play darts. It just happened to also be a place where he could meet people too. His goal wasn't to get a date, but to play darts.

If he did get a date hat was great, but if he didn;t he would still hav hada good time playing darts. So do things where social interactions is expected, but be there to have fun yourself first. The potential date is just gravy.

EXACTLY.

Go out and interact with people in places where people go to meet each other, and if you happen to think you're connecting with someone see if they think the feeling is mutual. But treat that as a nice bonus when you're already out having fun. Don't get so obsessed with getting a date that you're starting every interaction with the intent of asking for a date as quickly as possible, after making the decision to do so based on nothing more than "they're female and not obviously next to their boyfriend".

well, I have a girl friend now.

No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

I've found someone who I 'click' with, but I'm overthinking absolutely e-e-everything about it all. How am I coming across? Does she feel the same way? What if I get misinterpreted? What'll happen if she says no? What'll happen if she says yes? Is she just being polite?... You know, the usual crap that my anxiety and past experiences with people cause my brain to think up and usually spawn other trains of thought, like the "what'll happen if she says no?" thought, for example.

That becomes "since I don't talk to anyone, even my close friends, very often will she think that any lack of significant contact after asking is just because I was only sociable because I wanted in, even though it really wasn't?" and "if we don't remain friends after for whatever reason then I should be happy that I got rid of someone who wasn't the person I thought they'd be, but how many more of my friendships are just lies waiting to be uncovered? Can I be sure that they aren't all lies to some degree?", which themselves spawn "how am I going to appear to everyone else if they just think that I talk to them because I want something?" and "If I'm any more restrictive about choosing my friends then I won't make any, but if I'm already letting fake people in then do I sacrifice new friends to try and protect myself? Or do I sacrifice my own happiness to make them?", which spawn others which spawn others, and soon you get some idea of why I get therapy.

What makes it even harder is that she's also socially anxious to a degree, too, so I now have to worry if she'll be alright with all this - especially if I'm already having a hard time with it - and if she'll understand part or all of these things I have to question before actually making any sort of move.

So yeah, it's easy to say "just ask her", and you might think I should follow some of the advice I've given in this thread myself, but it's hard enough to do that without all this crap. It's hard to face rejection even if it's just your self-confidence that might suffer and it's not something that will instead shake the very foundations of your trust and cause you to start questioning everything about yourself.

At the very core of this is one issue: what if I'm not well enough for a relationship, but what if being in one could be a game-changing boost and I'm missing out on an opportunity for some form of happiness that I haven't known in over half my life? That question is the pivotal one. It's a high-risk/high-reward opportunity. I've got more than enough experience that tells me I've gambled badly on these every time before, but I also have enough experience to tell me that if I don't try, the regret might hurt just as much as outright failure.

Welcome to a small insight into the inner workings of my day-to-day life. *Swallows a handful of propranolol.*

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

I thought we were getting married? You just up and changed your mind without telling me? Wtf.

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

I know what you mean.
And that girl I talked about? Lesbian.

 Peregrine wrote:

Filthy Sanchez wrote:
After that, work on some fairly neutral, honest, nice, meet-and-greet kinds of things, and try them out. "Hello, I hope I'm not interrupting. I saw you walk in, I thought you were pretty, and I wanted to introduce myself." Extend hand, "My name is soandso." See what happens. If she is with a group of friends, or seems busy, remove pressure by handing her your card (a napkin, whatever) with your number or email address, and saying, "I'd welcome the opportunity to get to know you a bit. Maybe we could coffee sometime?" Unless you get an outright no, tell her that you hope she calls, and be on your way.

Does anyone ever have any luck with this? I mean, you know absolutely nothing about the person other than they're female and (presumably) alive, so where's the common ground for a date? Are you just hoping that after repeating the same approach with enough women you'll finally find someone both desperate enough to go on a date with a completely random stranger and compatible enough with you that the date isn't a waste of time? I really don't understand how this is supposed to accomplish anything besides getting a lot of awkward rejections and possibly a reputation for being incredibly desperate.

Randomly asking girls to go out with me solely because I found them attractive was pretty much the foundation of my single life. Why do you need common ground to go on a date with someone? I went on all kinds of random dates, many times with women who I barely shared a common language with. It was fun and interesting.

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

You're lucky, that movie is pretty terrible.

 Bromsy wrote:

You're lucky, that movie is pretty terrible.

Movie?

 Void__Dragon wrote:

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

I thought we were getting married? You just up and changed your mind without telling me? Wtf.

Of course not, love! I just don't want to be tied down, you know?

 Ashiraya wrote:

 Bromsy wrote:

You're lucky, that movie is pretty terrible.

Movie?

Probably he is talking about that horrible Adam Sandler movie.

 Bromsy wrote:
Why do you need common ground to go on a date with someone?

Because the goal of dating isn't to get lots of first dates, it's to get to the second date and beyond. If you don't have any common ground with someone it's unlikely that you're going to get very far beyond that first date before it becomes obvious that you have no reason* to be together. It's better to spend your time and effort on dating people that have a better chance of long-term success, and that means knowing more about them than "you're attractive and you're within talking distance of me right now".

*Unless you're some kind of sex god, but if that's the case then you don't need dating advice.

 Peregrine wrote:

you never hear of love at first sight?

I've heard of it. It's a stupid concept that sets unrealistic expectations, and not something anyone should waste their time thinking about if they're single.

I know that I might be in the minority, maybe even the extreme minority.. but when I met the love of my life, I knew it immediately -that through thick or thin, good or ill, I had found my life's mate.

Broken link, Ouze.

Thanks, fixed.

 Ashiraya wrote:
Of course not, love! I just don't want to be tied down, you know?

Don't worry: eventually either a ticking biological clock, or just the fear of cats eating your face after you die alone will have you settling for "good enough" just like the rest of us in no time

 Avatar 720 wrote:

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

I've found someone who I 'click' with, but I'm overthinking absolutely e-e-everything about it all. How am I coming across? Does she feel the same way? What if I get misinterpreted? What'll happen if she says no? What'll happen if she says yes? Is she just being polite?... You know, the usual crap that my anxiety and past experiences with people cause my brain to think up and usually spawn other trains of thought, like the "what'll happen if she says no?" thought, for example.*

Dude, get out of your own head. You are building wall of anxiety on potential outcomes of things you haven't even done yet. Instead of worrying so much about the potential outcomes of things, try to do some of them and find out what the outcome actually is. No matter what happens, the sun also rises.

 Easy E wrote:

 Avatar 720 wrote:

 Ashiraya wrote:
No BF yet. Just haven't found anyone who I 'click' with.

One day...

I've found someone who I 'click' with, but I'm overthinking absolutely e-e-everything about it all. How am I coming across? Does she feel the same way? What if I get misinterpreted? What'll happen if she says no? What'll happen if she says yes? Is she just being polite?... You know, the usual crap that my anxiety and past experiences with people cause my brain to think up and usually spawn other trains of thought, like the "what'll happen if she says no?" thought, for example.*

Dude, get out of your own head. You are building wall of anxiety on potential outcomes of things you haven't even done yet. Instead of worrying so much about the potential outcomes of things, try to do some of them and find out what the outcome actually is. No matter what happens, the sun also rises.

I have done them in the past and the subsequent experiences were negative, to say the absolute least, which is making future decisions like this even harder.

It's not just relationships it affects, it's mundane things like blood tests, for example. When I was due to have my first ever blood test as an adult I was petrified (fear of needles), but I managed to go ahead and get it done regardless. The test was painful, I passed out after it, and threw up. I was asked to have another one months ago, and I'm plain unable to face it again. It's not just the needles this time, it's also the fact that my first one went probably the worst it could (I didn't even have the doctor I should've done, they had to change it at the last minute, and I was called in half an hour late, so I'd already been stewing for far longer in the waiting room) and put what my brain saw as the lie to everyone's claims of "It won't hurt" and "you'll be fine; it'll be over before you know it". Just thinking about having another one sets my pulse racing and my mind on edge.

If I could "get out of my own head" then believe me, I'd have done it by now; I wouldn't wish some of the stuff I deal with on most people, except perhaps the ones who sparked it all off in the first place.

I'm sorry to hear that. Dating might be the least of your worries. You should focus on getting yourself in a decent place before you worry about relationships.

My love life is now kill.
RIP in peace

chaos0xomega wrote:
So, I'm posting because I'm bored and not sure what to do with myself, and maybe just need a vent. My life has been hell (exaggeration, ive been through worse, but its starting to take its toll on me and im beginning to stress) the past few weeks for a variety of reasons, romantic ones included. Since thats the focus of this thread, I'll detail some of my recent misadventures:

I still think that you're building up and overanalyzing the actions of random strangers too much (as evidenced by the length of your post?), and then getting obsessed with them. Not every girl that makes eye contact with you, smiles at you, talks with you, or even flirts with you is interested in you or is someone you'd even want to be with. She might be. Or not. Ultimately you'd spend a ton less energy by acting in the first place and getting an answer then and there.

The "ships passing in the night" scenario seems to come up with you a lot. Is it possible that at some subconscious level you prefer or are more comfortable with the fantasy of the random stranger across the room? Just throwing it out there.

If it seems like I'm being harsh with you, it's because you seem like a young guy who'll do great as soon as you get your head out of the clouds and get your mindset right. Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

 Peregrine wrote:

 Bromsy wrote:
Why do you need common ground to go on a date with someone?

Because the goal of dating isn't to get lots of first dates, it's to get to the second date and beyond. If you don't have any common ground with someone it's unlikely that you're going to get very far beyond that first date before it becomes obvious that you have no reason* to be together. It's better to spend your time and effort on dating people that have a better chance of long-term success, and that means knowing more about them than "you're attractive and you're within talking distance of me right now".

*Unless you're some kind of sex god, but if that's the case then you don't need dating advice.

I find your outlook on dating to be strange.

There's no reason you HAVE to have common ground to date someone.

You probably don't want to be on two totally opposite sides of the Spectrum (Pastor and a drug abuser that is perfectly content abusing drugs), but I remember one of my better relationships was with someone that i couldn't of had less in common with. That made our first date Interesting. She had stories about things I had never experienced. I had stories about things she never experienced.

Which led to us going on more dates where we would do the things we talked about. She liked being Outdoors, I hiss when I see sunlight. But we did outdoor stuff and I taught her how to play various tabletop games and we did that for about 10-11 months or so. We both broadened our horizons because we dated and tried things we wouldn't have otherwise.

Was it going to last, Most likely not. But we were young( well we still are, but that's neither here nor there) We had fun and we are both better off having dsted than not. Sometimes you jut gotta go out of your comfort zone and have fun. Not every first date has to be super hardcore serious business, nor does every relationship have to be setting up for marriage or a long term relationship. Enjoy it, have fun and don't worry about the future. Let the relationship work itself out.

You're not on this date with this person because they also like doing X or they collect Y. You're on a date with someone because you both agreed to spend a part of a day getting to know each other better.