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2013/10/06 11:51:15
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Happyjew wrote: SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Slaaneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.
Best in thread.
Two Astartes and a Cymbal drop out of a Thunderhawk.
ba-dum tish.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/10/06 14:22:23
2013/10/08 21:06:46
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Sorry for the length of the following. Poor Sister Koriander...
Hal Ifle: Good morning, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Good morning. I was sitting in the Schola Progenum on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Heretics' by Horus Warphole, when suddenly I came over all irate. Hal Ifle: Irate, ma'am? Sister Koriander: Livid. Hal Ifle: Eh? Sister Koriander: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all angry, like! Hal Ifle: Oh, angry. Sister Koriander: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little dead witch will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Warpholing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some new armaments. (rubs her palms) Hal Ifle: Come again. Sister Koriander: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some guns. Hal Ifle: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music! Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Emperor forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the imperium muse. Hal Ifle: Sorry? Sister Koriander: I like a nice prayer - you're forced to. Quick cut to a Space Wolf. Space Wolf: (broad Northern accent) Anyway. Cut back to weapon shop. Hal Ifle: Who said that? Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Now my good man, a gun, please. Hal Ifle: Yes certainly, ma'am. What would you like? Sister Koriander: Well, how about a little Plasma Pistol. Hal Ifle: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Plasma Pistols, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Oh, never mind. How are you on Laspistols? Hal Ifle: Never at the end of the week, Ma'am. Always get them fresh first thing on Monday. Sister Koriander: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four Frag Grenades, then, if you please, stout yeoman. Hal Ifle: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, ma'am, I was expecting it this morning. Sister Koriander: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Autogun? Hal Ifle: Sorry. Sister Koriander: Combi-flamer? Hal Ifle: Normally, ma'am, yes, but today the van broke down. Sister Koriander: Ah. Hot-shot Lasgun? Hal Ifle: Sorry. Sister Koriander: Autocannon? Sniper Rifle? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Any Grav-guns? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Plasma Cannon? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Lascannon? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Assault Cannon? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Heavy Bolter? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Heavy Flamer? Hal Ifle: ...No. Sister Koriander: Lasgun? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Any Mortars? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Stub Gun, Storm Bolter, Demolition Charge, Bolt Pistol, Multi-Melta, Incinerator, Combi-Stake Crossbow, Shotgun, Autopistol, Hot-Shot Laspistol, Flamer? Hal Ifle: Ah! We do have a Flamer, ma'am. Sister Koriander: You do! Excellent. Hal Ifle: It's a bit hot, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Oh, I like it hot. Hal Ifle: Well as a matter of fact it's very hot, ma'am. Sister Koriander: No matter. No matter. Hand over l'arme des Xenos hideux appellent un Flamer, s'il vous plaît. Hal Ifle: I think it's hotter than you like it, ma'am. Sister Koriander: (smiling grimley) I don't care how Slaaneshi hot it is. Hand it over with all speed. Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh... Sister Koriander: What? Hal Ifle: The mutant's eaten it. Sister Koriander: Has he? Hal Ifle: She, sir. Sister Koriander: Heavy Incinerator? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Krak Grenade? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Combi-grav? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Combi-Plasma? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Heavy Stubber? Hal Ifle: No, ma'am. Sister Koriander: You do have some weapons, do you? Hal Ifle: Certainly, ma'am. It's a weapon shop, ma'am. We've got... Sister Koriander: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. Hal Ifle: Fair enough. Sister Koriander: Hellrifle. Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am? Sister Koriander: Splendid. Well, I'll have one of those then, please. Hal Ifle: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Hal Ifle. Sister Koriander: Plasma Gun? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Inferno Pistol? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Missile Launcher? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Condemnor Boltgun? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Any Grenade Launchers? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Combi-Melta? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Hand Flamer? Hal Ifle: Not today ma'am, no. (pause) Sister Koriander: Well let's keep it simple, how about a Boltgun? Hal Ifle: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for those around these parts. Sister Koriander: No call for it? It's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium! Hal Ifle: Not round these parts, ma'am. Sister Koriander: And pray what is the most popular weapon round these parts? Hal Ifle: Meltaguns, ma'am. Sister Koriander: I see. Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. It's quite staggeringly popular in the streets, Sister. Sister Koriander: Is it. Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am, it's our number-one seller. Sister Koriander: Is it. Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am. Sister Koriander: Meltaguns, eh? Hal Ifle: Right. Sister Koriander: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, she asked, expecting the answer no? Hal Ifle: I'll have a look, ma'am...nnnnnnooooooooo. Sister Koriander: It's not much of a weapon shop really, is it? Hal Ifle: Finest on the planet, ma'am. Sister Koriander: And what leads you to that conclusion? Hal Ifle: Well, it's so clean. Sister Koriander: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by weapons. Hal Ifle: You haven't asked me about Grav-pistol, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Is it worth it? Hal Ifle: Could be. Sister Koriander: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody praying up! (the praying stops) Hal Ifle: (to congregants) Told you so. Sister Koriander: Have you got any Grav-pistols? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any weapons at all? Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weapons at all? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/10/08 21:08:29
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2013/10/08 21:58:25
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Happyjew wrote: Sorry for the length of the following. Poor Sister Koriander...
Spoiler:
Hal Ifle: Good morning, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Good morning. I was sitting in the Schola Progenum on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Heretics' by Horus Warphole, when suddenly I came over all irate.
Hal Ifle: Irate, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Livid.
Hal Ifle: Eh?
Sister Koriander: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all angry, like!
Hal Ifle: Oh, angry.
Sister Koriander: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little dead witch will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Warpholing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some new armaments. (rubs her palms)
Hal Ifle: Come again.
Sister Koriander: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some guns.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Emperor forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the imperium muse.
Hal Ifle: Sorry?
Sister Koriander: I like a nice prayer - you're forced to.
Quick cut to a Space Wolf.
Space Wolf: (broad Northern accent) Anyway.
Cut back to weapon shop.
Hal Ifle: Who said that?
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Now my good man, a gun, please.
Hal Ifle: Yes certainly, ma'am. What would you like?
Sister Koriander: Well, how about a little Plasma Pistol.
Hal Ifle: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Plasma Pistols, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, never mind. How are you on Laspistols?
Hal Ifle: Never at the end of the week, Ma'am. Always get them fresh first thing on Monday.
Sister Koriander: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four Frag Grenades, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Hal Ifle: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, ma'am, I was expecting it this morning.
Sister Koriander: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Autogun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Combi-flamer?
Hal Ifle: Normally, ma'am, yes, but today the van broke down.
Sister Koriander: Ah. Hot-shot Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Autocannon? Sniper Rifle?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grav-guns?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Lascannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Assault Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Bolter?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Flamer?
Hal Ifle: ...No.
Sister Koriander: Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Mortars?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Stub Gun, Storm Bolter, Demolition Charge, Bolt Pistol, Multi-Melta, Incinerator, Combi-Stake Crossbow, Shotgun, Autopistol, Hot-Shot Laspistol, Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Ah! We do have a Flamer, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do! Excellent.
Hal Ifle: It's a bit hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, I like it hot.
Hal Ifle: Well as a matter of fact it's very hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: No matter. No matter. Hand over l'arme des Xenos hideux appellent un Flamer, s'il vous plaît.
Hal Ifle: I think it's hotter than you like it, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: (smiling grimley) I don't care how Slaaneshi hot it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Sister Koriander: What?
Hal Ifle: The mutant's eaten it.
Sister Koriander: Has he?
Hal Ifle: She, sir.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Incinerator?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Krak Grenade?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-grav?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Plasma?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Stubber?
Hal Ifle: No, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do have some weapons, do you?
Hal Ifle: Certainly, ma'am. It's a weapon shop, ma'am. We've got...
Sister Koriander: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Hal Ifle: Fair enough.
Sister Koriander: Hellrifle.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Splendid. Well, I'll have one of those then, please.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Hal Ifle.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Gun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Inferno Pistol?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Missile Launcher?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Condemnor Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grenade Launchers?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Melta?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Hand Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Not today ma'am, no.
(pause)
Sister Koriander: Well let's keep it simple, how about a Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for those around these parts.
Sister Koriander: No call for it? It's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium!
Hal Ifle: Not round these parts, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And pray what is the most popular weapon round these parts?
Hal Ifle: Meltaguns, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: I see.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. It's quite staggeringly popular in the streets, Sister.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am, it's our number-one seller.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Meltaguns, eh?
Hal Ifle: Right.
Sister Koriander: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, she asked, expecting the answer no?
Hal Ifle: I'll have a look, ma'am...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Sister Koriander: It's not much of a weapon shop really, is it?
Hal Ifle: Finest on the planet, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And what leads you to that conclusion?
Hal Ifle: Well, it's so clean.
Sister Koriander: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by weapons.
Hal Ifle: You haven't asked me about Grav-pistol, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Is it worth it?
Hal Ifle: Could be.
Sister Koriander: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody praying up! (the praying stops)
Hal Ifle: (to congregants) Told you so.
Sister Koriander: Have you got any Grav-pistols?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Though it did not make me laugh, I did thoroughly enjoy that conversation, good job
2013/10/08 22:00:06
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Though it did not make me laugh, I did thoroughly enjoy that conversation, good job
The hardest part was figuring out a name for the shopkeep. And getting a large enough collection. It also sounds better if you give them both a British accent.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2013/10/08 22:53:18
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Heh, if I could provide just a bit of an editing job... as I have a copy of the script from that skit sitting around here somewhere...
The last few lines should be:
Spoiler:
SK: Have you, in fact, got any weapons here at all?
HI: No, ma'am, I was deliberately wasting your time.
SK: *sighs* Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HI: Right-o, ma'am.
*BANG!*
SK: What a senseless waste of human life.
It is best to be a pessimist. You are usually right and, when you're wrong, you're pleasantly surprised.
2013/10/08 22:59:10
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Psienesis wrote: Heh, if I could provide just a bit of an editing job... as I have a copy of the script from that skit sitting around here somewhere...
The last few lines should be:
Spoiler:
SK: Have you, in fact, got any weapons here at all?
HI: No, ma'am, I was deliberately wasting your time.
SK: *sighs* Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HI: Right-o, ma'am.
*BANG!*
SK: What a senseless waste of human life.
Is that from the album? I got it from Flying Circus.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2013/10/08 23:15:25
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Not sure what the original source is, as I've seen the Cheese Shop skit performed live, on the television show, and on three different albums. I also have the books that are the scripts from the original show, but don't remember how it's phrased off-hand.
.... though I think that version flows better. I think it better captures the absurdist humor of Python. It goes from an absolutely absurd cheese shop that has no cheese at all, to the sudden declaration that he's going to shoot him, to which the clerk cheerily agrees. So the absurdity gets suddenly cranked up past 11 with one single line, "I'm very sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you." It's just so... British.
It is best to be a pessimist. You are usually right and, when you're wrong, you're pleasantly surprised.
2013/10/08 23:54:34
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
I've seen that skit many times myself and I saw everything coming and I'm still sitting here laughing in the empty classroom after my grad school class on cyberwar has finished.... Exalted.
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
I collect:
Guard - 2k of mostly infantry
DA - 2k of deathwing, 2k of other bits (no vehicles)
Sisters - mostly converted/proxy because I'm waiting for therange to go plastic.
Tau - 2k with no riptides because I can.
2013/10/09 16:59:22
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
A Sister Superior and a unexperienced Battle Sister stand before a long row of pyres, the fire brightly illuminating their faces and gleaming on the ebony armour.
S. SUPERIOR: "As you can see, what a plaguebearer, a traitor-marine and psyker have in common is that they make excellent candles. This is important to remember, since you cannot trust the adeptus mechanicus to change lightbulbs..."
BATTLE SISTER: *spits sanctioned curse*
S. SUPERIOR: "I shall remind you to keep a civil tongue!"
BATTLE SISTER: "...But I forgot the marshmallows!"
S. SUPERIOR: "Valid point."
(sorry, it's a bit lame)
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
run in little circles,
wave your arms and shout." - Litany of Command (parody)
DR:80+SG-MB--I+Pw40k13#----D++A+/eWD-R++T(F)DM+
2013/10/10 16:22:22
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
A Sister Superior and a unexperienced Battle Sister stand before a long row of pyres, the fire brightly illuminating their faces and gleaming on the ebony armour.
S. SUPERIOR: "As you can see, what a plaguebearer, a traitor-marine and psyker have in common is that they make excellent candles. This is important to remember, since you cannot trust the adeptus mechanicus to change lightbulbs..."
BATTLE SISTER: *spits sanctioned curse*
S. SUPERIOR: "I shall remind you to keep a civil tongue!"
BATTLE SISTER: "...But I forgot the marshmallows!"
S. SUPERIOR: "Valid point."
(sorry, it's a bit lame)
I liked it The part about the candles made me happy
2013/10/10 16:22:54
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Yep, totally breaking out my old Phoenix Command books and "re-purposing" some of the margin flavor quotes. I think those were the best part of the books.
Get back to you in a bit.
Like watching other people play video games (badly) while blathering about nothing in particular? Check out my Youtube channel: joemamaUSA!
BrianDavion wrote: Between the two of us... I think GW is assuming we the players are not complete idiots.
Rapidly on path to becoming the world's youngest bitter old man.
2013/10/10 17:16:36
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
"How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"If you have heretics, why do you need another light source?"
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Heh. Especially like the Arbites one. What's Phoenix Command, though?
Automatically Appended Next Post: Heh. Especially like the Arbites one. What's Phoenix Command, though?
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/10/11 01:09:48
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Sister Gloria: I think that these skittari have no guts!
Skittari trooper: Are you kidding lady? I have balls of steel!
Sister Zonetan of the Order of the Iris: and in other news, the Adeptus Mechanicus has announced a new class of Titan weapon, a huge combi bolter that combines a vulcan megabolter and an inferno cannon. When asked her thoughts on this, Sister Gloria had this to say:
Sister Gloria: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sister Gloria: "I say, we kick the doors in, and purge the heretics with heavy flamers."
Sister Galore: "But this the planning meeting for the Inquisitorial Ball."
Sister Gloria: "I know."
Sister Gloria: "How many arms did he have to begin with?"
Sister Gloria: "You like? I call this color 'ultraviolent'.
Sister Galore: "Sister Gloria, that's a power maul, not a meat tenderizer."
Sister Gloria: "It works though, right?"
Sister Superior Tarna: "Ok, now whip the eggs. and Sister Gloria, yours had better not die while under questioning."
Sister Superior Tarna: And that, ladies, is how one bakes a cake. Sister Gloria, I won't even ask how you managed to mount a heavy flamer and grenade launchers on yours...."
Sister Galore: Quit putting grenades on Mr Wiggles (A pug puppy)! He is NOT a bomb squig!
Sister Gloria: She's absolutely right. A mascot of the Order of the Iris would never wear frag grenades! Now this melta bomb on the other hand...
Sister Superior Tarna: Sister Gloria, where is the rest of the squad?
Sister Gloria: Probably with Brother Lee again. I'm told his... umm... devotion! Yeah, his devotion is truly tremendous."
Sister Superior Tarna: Oh, I just bet it is.
Sister Superior Tarna: Sister Gloria, this is the first time I have EVER heard of a Repentia Squad having suffered sufficiently to be redeemed WITHOUT dying. What in the name of the Golden Throne did you DO?
Sister Gloria: Tried my best?
Sister Galore: Noise Marines at four o clock!
Sister Gloria: Fools! I'll show them the meaning of 'heavy metal'! Driver, execute maneuver 'Wheels of Steel!"
Sister Superior Tarna: "While you did defeat the tyranid swarm, Sister Gloria, you are not rated to use a jet pack OR permitted to modify your flamer OR use several barrels of promethium to cause a fuel aerosol explosion of that magnitude. I have protests here from the adeptus mechanicus for abuse of their sacred technology AND from the Seraphim of our own order for the theft of a jetpack from one of their deceased sisters. Also, Sister Galore is very put out over your use of Mr Wiggles as bait..."
Fate is in heaven, armor is on the chest, accomplishment is in the feet. - Nagao Kagetora
2013/10/12 23:31:51
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
SisterSydney wrote: Heh. Especially like the Arbites one. What's Phoenix Command, though?
The most overcomplicated wargame/RPG (it can't make up its mind) ever created. Completely ridiculous to play ( from a man who likes overcomplicated games) but the quotes in the sidebars are pure gold.
I'm still running it for some people someday though...just to say I did.
Like watching other people play video games (badly) while blathering about nothing in particular? Check out my Youtube channel: joemamaUSA!
BrianDavion wrote: Between the two of us... I think GW is assuming we the players are not complete idiots.
Rapidly on path to becoming the world's youngest bitter old man.
2013/10/13 01:20:39
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
I think I've heard of this: Is Phoenix Command the RPG with pages upon pages of rules on how to design your own guns?
BaronIveagh wrote: Sister Gloria: "How many arms did he have to begin with?"
To my own surprise, I think this one is my favorite. It made me go, "Huh? What? I don't.... oh. Oh." It captures the innocent, wide-eyed brutality of the Sisterhood so well....
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Only in 40k could those three adjectives meet in the same sentence...
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2013/10/13 02:45:59
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
It's kind of like the bit in one of the Caiphas Caine books where Amberley Vail is reminiscing about some "Our Friend Promethium" book she had as a kid, showing all the uses of promethium in cartoon form, and one of her favorite parts was the burning heretics....
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Sister Galore: Sister Gloria, RDX is NOT FOOD. It says so right on the label.
Sister Gloria: Oh, I thought that was just for Guardsmen. Well, it mixes so well with flour, who's gonna know? Just use it in the bread.
Sister Superior Tarna: Ok, ladies, put your bolters against the wall and take off the power armor and put on DEAR EMPEROR SISTER GLORIA WHERE ARE YOUR UNDERTHINGS?
Sister Gloria: Um...tyranids ate them?
Sister Roxanne: Since when do we need chainswords to portion meat?
Sister Galore: Since the grox is still moving. And angry.
Inquisitor Pyrobolos: How did you tenderize this grox? It's very good.
Sister Gloria: Krak Missile.
Sister Gloria (after the firefight with the radicals breaks out): Did they eat the bread?
Inquisitor Pyrobolos: I think so, why?
Sister Gloria: Just chuck a grenade their way and find hard cover...
Fate is in heaven, armor is on the chest, accomplishment is in the feet. - Nagao Kagetora
2013/10/13 18:14:43
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Happyjew wrote: Sorry for the length of the following. Poor Sister Koriander...
Hal Ifle: Good morning, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Good morning. I was sitting in the Schola Progenum on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Heretics' by Horus Warphole, when suddenly I came over all irate.
Hal Ifle: Irate, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Livid.
Hal Ifle: Eh?
Sister Koriander: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all angry, like!
Hal Ifle: Oh, angry.
Sister Koriander: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little dead witch will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Warpholing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some new armaments. (rubs her palms)
Hal Ifle: Come again.
Sister Koriander: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some guns.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Emperor forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the imperium muse.
Hal Ifle: Sorry?
Sister Koriander: I like a nice prayer - you're forced to.
Quick cut to a Space Wolf.
Space Wolf: (broad Northern accent) Anyway.
Cut back to weapon shop.
Hal Ifle: Who said that?
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Now my good man, a gun, please.
Hal Ifle: Yes certainly, ma'am. What would you like?
Sister Koriander: Well, how about a little Plasma Pistol.
Hal Ifle: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Plasma Pistols, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, never mind. How are you on Laspistols?
Hal Ifle: Never at the end of the week, Ma'am. Always get them fresh first thing on Monday.
Sister Koriander: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four Frag Grenades, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Hal Ifle: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, ma'am, I was expecting it this morning.
Sister Koriander: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Autogun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Combi-flamer?
Hal Ifle: Normally, ma'am, yes, but today the van broke down.
Sister Koriander: Ah. Hot-shot Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Autocannon? Sniper Rifle?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grav-guns?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Lascannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Assault Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Bolter?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Flamer?
Hal Ifle: ...No.
Sister Koriander: Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Mortars?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Stub Gun, Storm Bolter, Demolition Charge, Bolt Pistol, Multi-Melta, Incinerator, Combi-Stake Crossbow, Shotgun, Autopistol, Hot-Shot Laspistol, Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Ah! We do have a Flamer, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do! Excellent.
Hal Ifle: It's a bit hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, I like it hot.
Hal Ifle: Well as a matter of fact it's very hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: No matter. No matter. Hand over l'arme des Xenos hideux appellent un Flamer, s'il vous plaît.
Hal Ifle: I think it's hotter than you like it, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: (smiling grimley) I don't care how Slaaneshi hot it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Sister Koriander: What?
Hal Ifle: The mutant's eaten it.
Sister Koriander: Has he?
Hal Ifle: She, sir.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Incinerator?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Krak Grenade?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-grav?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Plasma?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Stubber?
Hal Ifle: No, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do have some weapons, do you?
Hal Ifle: Certainly, ma'am. It's a weapon shop, ma'am. We've got...
Sister Koriander: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Hal Ifle: Fair enough.
Sister Koriander: Hellrifle.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Splendid. Well, I'll have one of those then, please.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Hal Ifle.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Gun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Inferno Pistol?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Missile Launcher?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Condemnor Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grenade Launchers?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Melta?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Hand Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Not today ma'am, no.
(pause)
Sister Koriander: Well let's keep it simple, how about a Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for those around these parts.
Sister Koriander: No call for it? It's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium!
Hal Ifle: Not round these parts, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And pray what is the most popular weapon round these parts?
Hal Ifle: Meltaguns, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: I see.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. It's quite staggeringly popular in the streets, Sister.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am, it's our number-one seller.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Meltaguns, eh?
Hal Ifle: Right.
Sister Koriander: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, she asked, expecting the answer no?
Hal Ifle: I'll have a look, ma'am...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Sister Koriander: It's not much of a weapon shop really, is it?
Hal Ifle: Finest on the planet, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And what leads you to that conclusion?
Hal Ifle: Well, it's so clean.
Sister Koriander: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by weapons.
Hal Ifle: You haven't asked me about Grav-pistol, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Is it worth it?
Hal Ifle: Could be.
Sister Koriander: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody praying up! (the praying stops)
Hal Ifle: (to congregants) Told you so.
Sister Koriander: Have you got any Grav-pistols?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Copying Monty Python is heretical, punishable by torture by Comfy Chair.
What I have
~4100
~1660
Westwood lives in death!
Peace through power!
A longbeard when it comes to Necrons and WHFB. Grumble Grumble
2013/10/13 18:27:50
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
@ Baronlveagh:
In some cases, Sister Gloria reminds me of a Dark Heresy character I played... Ecclesiarchy preacher/cleric brother Zarkov, or: how to get promethium on a feudal or feral world.
SisterSydney wrote: It's kind of like the bit in one of the Caiphas Caine books where Amberley Vail is reminiscing about some "Our Friend Promethium" book she had as a kid, showing all the uses of promethium in cartoon form, and one of her favorite parts was the burning heretics....
A wonderful book for every child of the Imperium (and the absolute favourite of afore mentioned cleric).
Some of his highlights adapted for the sisters:
Sister Ivanova: *nearly collapses under a load of promethium barrels*
Sister Superior Maria: "What in the name of the Emperor do you think you are doing?"
Sister Ivanova: "Preparing to purge the heretics and the unclean, mistress!"
Sister Superior Maria: "That's laudable, but don't you think these are abit too many barrels"
Sister Ivanova: "Can't have enough promethium. After all, it's not my fault they're running dry so fast...."
After purging some secret tunnels below a town from nurglings and plaguebearers Sister Ivanova floods the tunnels with alcohol and sets fire to the house the secret passages were beneath. The following conversation takes place after the Sisters realise that the fire spreads to the rest of the (feudal) town:
Sister Superior Maria: "Not again! This is the umpteenth time, innocent citizen of the Imperium suffer by your pyromancy!"
Sister Ivanova: "With all due respect mistress, but if you refer to that wee little fire on that Imperial World a few months back, I have to say to my defense that we got ALL the heretics."
Sister Superior Maria: "Since we still have to find the chaos cultists and recover the relic, we somehow have to get rid of those incompetent Ordo Malleus acolytes..."
Sister Ivanova: "Well, we have killed some demons without them even noticing anything was amiss, so I suggest we set them on fire for being incompetent, traitors and heretics... I heard their Inquisitor is a radical..."
Sister Superior Maria: "You know, that is not a bad idea."
Sister Ivanova: *cofused* "You agree?"
There were some other instances I cannot quite recall.... maybe later
Sister Zetina: "Hey Sister: An Imperial Guardsman, a Ultramarine brother-captain and a cogboy walk into a bar..."
Sister Ivanova: "...and the barman says: 'Is this some kind of joke?' "
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2013/10/13 18:40:57
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
run in little circles,
wave your arms and shout." - Litany of Command (parody)
DR:80+SG-MB--I+Pw40k13#----D++A+/eWD-R++T(F)DM+
2013/10/13 19:59:04
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Copying Monty Python is heretical, punishable by torture by Comfy Chair.
I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting a sort of Emperor's Inquisition.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2013/10/13 20:01:05
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
run in little circles,
wave your arms and shout." - Litany of Command (parody)
DR:80+SG-MB--I+Pw40k13#----D++A+/eWD-R++T(F)DM+
5000+ pts
4500+ pts
3500+ pts
3000+ pts 
~1660
