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No, so I suppose I might as well, however its from the Relic Forums (copy and paste lol)
WARNING: LENGTHY

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.
3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.
5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
6. Orks are not "cute!"
7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".
10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle monasteries.
12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.
16. Thou shalt not use thine pistol as a q-tip.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.
19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.
20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.
22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.
23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.
24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.
28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.
29. Thou shalt not use they bolter to kill bees.
30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.
31. Thou shalt eat thou rations.
32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.
33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.
34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.
35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.
36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the nids.
38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
39. Thou shalt not e-mail the emperor.
40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
42. Terminators and glue do not mix.
43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.
44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (the guard needs them)
45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.
46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.
47. Grenades are not water balloons.
48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.
50. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
51. Daemons are not your friends.
52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
53. Barney is a heretic.
54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
55. Barney is not a Tyranid
56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.
57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
58. Pokemon are not Digimon!
59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.
61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.
62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.
63. Don’t play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.
67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
70. Shotguns are not practice guns.
71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
73. Thou shalt no replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand”
74. Thy shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.
76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.
77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)
78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.
79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'
80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.
81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)
82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’
84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.
85. Thou shalt not return books late.
86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.
89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out” unless expressly ordered.
92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.
93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one of the Imperial Guard.
94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.
95. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
96. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.
99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnaught within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz”.
100. Thou shalt not sexually harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.
101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
102. Thou's name is not GiX.
103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
105. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)
107. You shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.
108. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.
109. The chaplain is not too preachy.
110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.
111. Your sergeant is not a pugy #######.
112. You shalt not smack the sister’s butt and then wink at her.
113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.
115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.
117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!
118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!
119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!
122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.
131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinous".
132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch...the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig eating contests.
135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thou armour!
137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).
144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.
149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.
150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “the filth”.
151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends”
153. Thou shalt not use thou's laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.
156. Remember a Primach is for life not for Christmas.
157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour ( I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).
158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.
161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.
164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.
169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.
171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
172. “No” means “No”.
173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.
174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.
179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.
181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.
183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.
184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.
185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)
186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing necrons.
190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else though will have to join the Sisters.
192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.
194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).
195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .
196. Thou shalt not load the dice.
197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.
199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
200. Thou shalt not make up rules.
201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?
202. Thou shalt not laugh at the cultist.
203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.
204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.
205. Thou shalt not use penicilan tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.
206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
207. Thou shalt beware of possesed 2 liter coke bottles.
208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.
210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.
213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
214. Thou art not unexpendable.
215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.
216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
217. Thou shalt not use they bike as a battering ram.
218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speedbumps.
219. Lord Login is not "Wolfie".
220. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".
223. Never refer to the Cannoness as "big momma".
224. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thou brothers backs.
225. Thou shalt not nail nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.
226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.
230. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured companies as agorophobes.
231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.
232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.
235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.
237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.
230. Neither shalt thou ask wether those “guns” are real or not.
231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasmagun for a college prank.
233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffine.
234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.
235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.
238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
239. Thou shalt not overclock thine pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.
240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)
241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt decend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.
246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)
248. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.
249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.
253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.
254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
258. Thou shalt not use thy power armours’ vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.
259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.
263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", althought thy might think it is.
265. When throwing they holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychadelic” nor “groovy”
271. Thou Shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.
272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.
273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.
274. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.
275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.
276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.
278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battlebarge, fortress monestary) on eBay.
279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube (WDOT).
280. Thou shoult not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)
284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.
286. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.
287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.
289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine bretheren are in the back.
297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!
298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thineself off as a Battle Sister.
299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
301. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrisson Wolves.
302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.
304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).
305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.
306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulserifles, even if they are better than bolters.
308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on the Sisters Rhino.
309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on a Sister's Rhino.
310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
311. The hellhound is not somthing you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
312. Thou shalt not armwrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.
314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull thier arms off and jump up and down on them.
315. Dont kick Grots.
316. Thou Shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
318. Thou shalt not go to thy great emporer and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".
320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
321. A tank is not a toy.
322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.
327. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
328. Thou shalt not use power claws as scissors.
329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy gameboy.
330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.
331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
332. if showing a tau how your boltgun works you will not give it to him the wrong way round.
333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit
334. Nurglings are not over date

Awesome ^^

I also found Home Improvement, with Marneus Calgar
WARNING: LENGTHY

Kudos to Erenthal of 40kOnline.

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The camera makes a swooping move, ending in a garden, outside what appears to be a Eldar house. Marneus Calgar and four other Marines are standing outside the door. They are not wearing any helmets, instead they are wearing yellow hard-hats.

Marneus: Hi everybody, and welcome the my new show, "Home Improvement" with me, Marneus Calgar. To kick of our very first episode, we have a very special guest, whose house is going to get a make over! It´s none other that farseer extrordinare, and all round alien scum, Eldrad Ulthran!

Marneus knocks rather hard on the door. Afte a good while, Eldrad opens it. He´s wearing his night-clothes, covered in litte pictures of Khaine. He gets a look of extreme suspicion in his eyes when he sees Calgar.

Eldrad: Yeees?

Marneus: Congratulations Eldrad! You have been selected to get a free house makeover, on galaxywide T.V!

Eldrad: I didn´t sign up for this.

Marneus: Nobody does.

Two of the Marines manhandle Eldrad out of the house and he disspears from view. Marneus enters the house.

Marneus: Let´s see. We will as always start with the hallway.

The camera makes a sweep over the hallway. It´s white, and there´s a small sofa and a table with a lamp..

Marneus: As we all know, a mans home is his fortress. Now, what would happen if a slvering Carnifex broke into Eldrads hallway? What would he do? Beat him of with a lamp?

Marneus makes a imitation of Eldrad trying to fend of a carnifex with a lamp. The marines roll on the floor with laughter.

Marneus: But fear not! We will help Eldrad! Get to work my brothers!

The Marines beging erecting steel bulkheads along the walls. In the centre, they mount a huge multimelta on a tripod.

Marneus: There, much better. Now on to the living room.

They enter Eldrads living room. It´s a spacious room, filled with exquisite whraithbone ornaments, and spiritstones decorating the walls. Marneus frowns.

Marneus: While Eldrads room might be chique in certain circles, it´s so M.35:ish.... We can do better than that. First though, we have to clear the room.

The marines begin to rip apart the room with the aid of chainswords and powerfists. You can almost hear the faint screams of the eldar spirits when Marneus powerfists smash into the wraithbone covered wall. After a good 30 minutes of wanton destruction, the room is barren. Marneus wipes the sweat from his brow.

Marneus: There, now we can begin decorating. While my brothers are doing that, we can look at the garden.

The camera once again shows Eldrads beautiful garden.

Marneus: Nice, but not wartorn enough for my taste. Brother Altus?

Brother Altus hops on a Marine-bike and begins revving around the garden, leaving deep deep trackmarsk everywhere. Marnues nods, satisfied.

Marneus: Now, for the most important room in the house. The bedroom!

Eldrads bedroom is a sombre place, with a simple cot to sleep on. The room is however dominated by a big mural on one wall, depicting the Eldar gods in one of their wars. It´s magnificent.

Marneus: Today, is the annual of the day when the Emperor defeated the traitor warlord Horus! And what better way to celebrate it, than with a HUGE wallpainting depicting this glorious victory?!

With those words, he begins to paint over the mural. A while later the Marines gather in the livingroom, wich is now dominated by a huge gold Imperial Eagle hanging from the ceiling. Small statues of the Emperor has also been placed everywhere.

Marneus: Now, for the final touches! An new entrance into the kitchen into the living room...

He smashes through the wall with his powerfist. A crude doorway into the kitchen is formed.

Marneus: Some new literature for Eldrad to read, including a SIGNED copy of my new biography, "Marneus, the man behind the armour"!

One of the marines takes up a flamer and roasts Eldrads old books, lying in a pile on the floor. Another marine erects a crude bookshelf and fills it with Empire-approved books.

Marneus: Now, it´s time for Eldrad to see what we have accomplished. I´m sure he´ll be overjoyed!

Eldrad steps in. The camera is so close to Eldrad that you can actually see the vein in his forehead burst.

Eldrad: What in the name of Khaine´s seven body orifices have you done to my house!?!?

Marneus (looking truly hurt): You don´t like it?

The singing spear targeted at his heart is answer enough. As the camera slowly fades out, we see Eldrad and Marneus wrestling on the floor, shouting curses at each other.

FINI.

__________________________________________________

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

As the camera fades in, we see Marneus and a squad of Marines standing in what appears to be an assault boat.

Marneus: Welcome everybody, to "Home Improvment", with me, Marneus Calgar! For todays show, we´ve got something really special. That´s right, we´re going to redecorate a Hive Ship! If we Ultramarines have learned anything about the Tyranids, it is that they have really bad taste in furniture...

The ship rocks as they make contact with the bio-ships surface. The ramp lowers.

Marneus (holding his nose): My god, what IS that stench?

One of the Marines points to a large orifice in a wall.

Marine: Sir, the stench seems to come from that, umm, hole...

Marneus: Well, do something about it then!

The Marines lobs several Krakgrenades down the hole.

Marneus (surveying the room): Now then, on to decorating. As we can clearly see, the Nids are going for the "veiny and pulsating" style, that was so popular a few years ago. However, nowadays this is hopelessly out of style. But do not worry, we will help them!

The marines, now armed with paintbrushes and paintbuckets begins to apply a thick coat of blue paint to the living walls.

Marneus: As you all can see, the Ultramarine blue matches the gory red of the ceiling fantasticly. Another tip is to mix in a bit of Rhino-fuel in the paint to make it stick to living matter. All these tips and many more can be found in my new book, "Painting made easy, Calgar-style". A number will be displayed right after the show, for ease of ordering.

From the adjacent tunnel, chittering can be heard. It grows and grows in intensity.

Marneus: Oh, I almost forgot to mention. Not all creatures in the galaxy has the same fashion sense as I. Amongst those are genestealers, who reside in large numbers on Hive-ships such as these. They can be quite the annoyance when you work. So, just for this occasion, we have a special guest star! Please welcome Chaplain Xavier, from the immensly popular *grumble grumble* show, Cooking with Chaplain Xavier!

Marneus reaches out and drags Xavier on screen. Xavier waves into the camera.

Xavier: Hi. Umm, Marneus, you said there would be cooking. I don´t see any cooking though...

Marneus (pointing to the chittering tunnel): In there, they are all waiting for you.

Marneus shows Xavier, who is hefting a flamer, into the tunnel.

Xavier (in the distance): Hey, there isn´t anyone here. Hold on, who goes there? Holy cupcakes of the Emperor, Stealers! Ouch, stop that, those claws are sharp! Hey, i said stop it! Allright, thats it. I´ts coooooooking time!

Flaming, alien screams, the sound of claws cutting into ceramite, the sound of alien skulls crushing and the distinct whooping and cheering of Xavier are all heard from the tunnel.

Marneus: Now, let´s get back to decorating. Don´t worry folks, Xavier is doing just fine.

The marines are finished painting and are now hanging up tapestries and small chandeliers. Marneus himself is carving out a statue of the Emperor from the wall with his powerfist. Surprisingly, it actually looks like the Emperor.

Marneus: Well, thats all we have for you today. The producer just informed me that we have run out of time. But don´t worry, we´ll be back next week, with more Home Improvement.

Xavier walks in, dragging a huge pice of roasted meat. He is completly unscathed.

Xavier: Let´s eat!

They all hunker down on the floor. Soon singin erupts. They are roughly interupted by a Carnifex, storming into the chamber and trampling two of the Marines. The Fex then snaps Marneus statue in half.

Marneus: No! You b*stard, I worked hard on that!

As the camera slowly fades out, Marneus and the Fex are wrestling on the floor, Marneus spouting obscenities and the Fex roaring wildly.

END.

______________________________________________

The madness continues...

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.

Marneus: Well, you all know who I am, and what I do, so lets get down to bussiness, mkay? Today we have a very special episode. We are going to let a team from our brother chapter the Space Wolfes, redecorate the Fortress monastery of the Dark Angels chapter, also known as The Rock! And ofcourse, next week the Angels are going to return the favour. Paint will be spilled, walls will be smashed down and hilarity will ensue. Let´s get on with it!

Five Space Marines walks on stage, their markings clearly identifying them as Space Wolfes. They are all wearing the same yellow hard hats as Marneus and his brother Marines were wearing in the first episode. The hard hats look ridicoulusly small on the giant Marines.

Marneus: Well boys, are you excited?

Space Wolf 1: Sure are Calg. We´re really looking forward to this. Me and Ragnar here will do the painting, Anwulf will do all the light fixtures, Erik will work the floors. And finally Bob here (He indicates the fifth marine, who is grinning wildly and hefting a power sledge) will organize all the wanton destruction.

Marneus: Sounds marvelous. Well, in the name of the Emperor, of you go!

The Wolfs rush of stage into a waiting Thunderhawk.

Marneus: Now while they are working, we have 2 hours to spare. So without further ado, please welcome the galaxy-famous dance troupe "Spandex for Khaine"! They´ve come here all the way from the webway, and are going to perform "The fall of the Eldar race".

The camera pivots to reveal a poorly constructed scene, complete with tacky curtains and all. A dozen Harlequins, dressed in marvelous clothes are brutally shoved on stage by Ultramarine stage hands. The Harlequins look rather unhappy, but begin to dance nonetheless. After 1 hour and 59 minutes they are done, and they all collapse on stage from exhaustion. Marneus applauds curtly, then gives a nod to somebody offstage. On cue, 3 Marines with chainswords revving gets on the stage and walks firmly towards the collapsed Eldar. Thankfully the camera turns away at the last moment. The viewers are left only with the horrible sounds erupting from the stage.

Marneus: Now wasn´t that great? Anyhow, time to check up on our friends at the Rock!

[/i]The camera cuts, and then returns. We see Marneus standing in what appears to be the interior of the Rock. Four of the Space Wolfs are there with him.[/i]

Marneus: Where´s Bob?

Space Wolf 1: He got so carried away with the task of creating new and exciting doorways that he punched a hole through a wall.

Space Wolf 2: An exterior wall.

Marneus: Oh. Well, tell me what you have done.

They walk through the deserted hallways of the Rock.

Space Wolf 1: We noticed there was a considerable lack of imagery depicting our beloved father Leman Russ.

Space Wolf 2: We fixed that. Didn´t we Erik?

Space Wolf 3: Sure did. Boy will our fellow Marines be surprised when they enter their dining hall and find a 400 feet tall painting of Russ strangling Lion El´Jonson. I consider that painting a personal masterpiece. It´s extremely detailed, down to the 10 feet bulging eyes of Jonson.

Marneus: I´m sure it is. Now what about the basement? That´s often the most overlooked part of a house. By the way, you can read about that in my new book, "Fire Down Below, Cellars Explained by Calgar."

Space Wolf 3: Sheesh, let me tell you, the Angels have no taste in cellars... not a roaring fireplace or hunk of raw meat in sight.

They wander down into the cellars.

Space Wolf 2: Awful I tell you. Instead, there were these small wretched creatures scuttling about. Watchers in the Dark I think he called them.

Marneus: Who called them that?

Space Wolf 2: That chap. He even taught us how to make excellent roast out of them.

He jabs a finger down a corridor. In the bright light of a portable grilling device sits an eerily familiar person, dressed in green power armour. He has several Watchers in the Dark impaled on a stick, slowly roasting.

Space Wolf 3: But that´s not all of it. Everywhere there were these jail cells, and there were Marines locked up! I think the sign said "Dungeon of the Fallen". Anyways, we let them out. Rude devils didn´t even thank us, just ran their way.

Marneus: I love what you´ve done to the lighting down here.

Space Wolf 3: Thanks.

They move on, finally stopping outside a ornate door.The sign says "Private! Do not enter!"

Marneus: And this is?

Space Wolf 1: The private chambers of Azrael.

Marneus: Oh, can i see what... (Bends down to open the door, but is stopped by Space Wolf 1.)

Space Wolf 1: Wouldn´t open that if i were you. We left a small present for Azrael. A token of friendship if you like.

Marneus: Present? Like a Master crafted weapon? A ancient copy of Codex Astartes? Flowers?

Space Wolf 2: Nope. 74 Fenrisian wolfs.

Marneus: Emperors underwear! How on Terra did you manage to get seventyfour 400 pound wolfs into a space, how big?

Space Wolf 3: 3 by 5 meters.

Marneus: 15 square meters.

Space Wolf 2: We don´t really know, but its a wonder the doors holding...

The door creaks considerably, and faint animal moans are heard from inside.

Marneus: It looks like you boys did a fine job! But unfortunately that´s all we have time for today. Tune in the next week for the follow up. Now let´s get out of here before Azrael returns. I don+t want to end up in another wrestling match. My arms still a bit sore since that Fex lats time.

END.

___________________________________________

The madness continues...

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.

Marneus: Hello again faithful viewers! As you all know, last time we let a team of Space Wolfs redecorate the Dark Angles fortress. The results were simply astounding. When Azrael saw what they had accomplished, he suffered FOUR simultaneus heart attacks! Boy was he glad he had that secondary heart... Anyways, on to todays show! Please welcome the Dark Angels!

Applause from the audience as five Dark Angel space marines enter the stage from a side door. They are brandishing meltaguns, chainswords and big nasty-looking melta charges. Uncertainly they wave at the audience.

Marneus: Welcome to the show. You guys excited?

Dark Angel 1 (grimly): Yep. We have a score to settle. Our esteemed brothers, the Space Wolfs, did such a "wonderful" job last time on the show. We simply must return the "favour"...

Marneus: Sounds great! You have a special plan of action?

Dark Angel 2: Smash and tear...

Dark Angel 1 (Shushin at Dark Angel 2): Umm, the usual. Carpets, some nice lighting and murals.

Dark Angel 3: But you said that we would smahs and burn and loot and...

Dark Angel 3 is silenced by Dark Angel 1´s fist.

Dark Angel 1: Carpets.

Marneus: Oh-kay. We´ll off you go!

The Dark Angels march off to a waiting Thunderhawk.

Marneus: Now as usual while we wait, we have some high class entertainment for you! Not like that two bit hack *Ahem*Xavier*Ahem*. I proudly present to you, THE FIRST COMPANY TAP-DANCERS!

The camera pans to reveal a shoddy scene constructed in the shuttlebay of Marneus battle-barge. The curtains open. The Ultramarines first company is standing on the stage, dressed in Tactical Dreadnought armour.

Marneus: Take it away boys!

The Terminators start tapping away. Their heavy ceramite boots are making deep marks in the floor, and the sound is deafening. Marneus is clapping his hands in rythm and smiling.

Marneus (Shouting to make himself heard): And now brother Tiberius solo!

The venerable librarian taps away frenetically. His tapping further and further away from the center of the stage. As the Terminators clap their powerfists in an ever increasing rythm Tiberius is working himself into a frenzy. Too late he sees the "Emergency hatch opening" button on the wall. His ceramite shoulder pad slams into the button.

Tiberius: Cr*p.

A horrible sucking noise is heard as the 10 meter high shutters open into the cold vacuum of space. Terminators are sucked screaming into space, Tiberius is cursing wildy as he looses his grip and dissapears. Marneus is clinging onto a railing, holding on for his life. Finally the shutters auto close.

Marneus: Ummm. That was certainly unexpected.

He goes to a window.

Marneus: Don´t worry folks, they are A-okay! I think...

Outside marines are bobbing in space, flailing desperatly with their arms and legs. Suddenly a huge asteroid passes by the battle barge, sweeping everything with it. Then a big hand is placed over the camera lens, moving it away. Then we see Marneus face close up. He is smiling a big nervous smile.

Marneus: Let´s see how our Dark Angles are doing!

The camera cuts. When we join Marneus again, he´s standing outside the Fang. Faint smoke is seen rising from it. As he enters the main hall he is joined by the Dark Angels.

Marneus: Well, I´m simply dying to hear what you have done with this place.

Dark Angel 1: Well Marneus, as you can see we have been hard at work. We´ll start right here. As you might remember, the Wolfs made a roof painting in our dining hall commemorating a moment in Imperial history. We decided that such kindness should not go unanswerd. (He points to the roof) This is a less known moment in our glorious history, but important none the less.

Marneus (Gazing up at the roof): It´s Leman Russ getting raped by a Bloodthirster...

Dark Angel 1: Yes. Beautiful, isn´t it? Notice the detail, down to the expression of horror on Russ´s face.

Marneus: Riiight. Moving on.

They wander down the gigantic corridors, occasionly passing by a kicked in door or melta-blasted wall. They enter a cavern, filled with small fenced in areas.

Dark Angel 2: This is were they keep those big wolfs of theirs.

Marneus: Speaking of, were are they?

Dark Angel 3: Oh, some dude in green Power armour came by and took them all. He muttered something about cooking.

Marneus: I won´t press the issue.

They reach an ancient room, filled with generators and various technical artifacts. A large podium is at the end of the room.

Dark Angel 1: This is the room were we found that big hunk-o-junk. I think the sign said "Bjorn" something.

Marneus: Bjorn the Fellhanded, ancient dreadnought hero, champion of Leman Russ and defender of the Fang?

Dark Angel 1: That´s the chap. Quite ferocious actually. We threw him on the wastedump out back.

Marneus: He didn´t resist?

Dark Angel 2 (patting his meltagun): He was quite cooperative after a few blasts of this baby...

Marneus: I´m sorry, but this is all we have time for today. Tune in next week, when we´ll visit Kharn the Berzerker in his Palace of Flesh. I sense some serious redecorating coming up...

A roar is heard, and suddenly a dreadnought burst in through the wall. It´s Bjorn and he´s a bit upset by the looks if it. Deep melta scars decorate his armour.

Dark Angel 2: Back i say! Back!

He fires at Bjorn, who only gets madder. He throws his multi tonnes body at Marneus. As the camera fades out, we see Bjorn holding Marneus by the crotch with his gigantic powerfist. Marneus is screaming obscenites and is trying to rip Bjorns arm off.

END.

_______________________________________________

One more, for the good old days...

+++BEGIN TRANSMISSION+++

The intro plays. Several scenes flash by, Marneus hammering in nails, Marneus painting walls, Marneus running in terror from a mob of angry homeowners... The text "Home Improvement with Marneus Calgar" appears, the the camera cuts to the man in blue himself.

Marneus is standing outside a reddish building, his helmet removed and wearing his distinctive yellow hardhat, complete with bloodspatters...

Marneus: Hello, and welcome to a new episode of HIWMC! It´s been a while since the last episode, but we have been hard at work, solving an unfortunate legal dispute with the the Space Wolfes and the Dark Angels... Thanks to the b*stards in the head office and their love for that hack Xavier, we are now operating on half the regular budget. That means no pause entertainment, no audience and no Tau-sandwiches! D*MN YOU ALL!

He takes a moment to calm himself down.

Marneus: Well, today we are standing here on a unknown deamonworld, outside a house that is owned by none other than the ferocious Kharn the Betrayer!

He knocks on the door. The door is obviously made of flesh, with big veins running down the lenght of it. On a wooden beam placed in eye level is written "K.T. Betrayer". A small welcome-mat decorated with sunflowers is in front of the door. Nobody answers.

Marneus: OPEN UP YOU BIG BAG OF EMPEROR-FORGOTTEN SCUM!

Footsteps are heard from inside, and the door opens. Kharn the Betrayer, World-eater and traitor of men stands in the opening. He´s wearing red bloodstained power armour and a horned helmet. He is also wearing an apron, decorated with small stylized bloodthirsters, dancing happily with each other.

Kharn: Are you selling something?

Marneus: No, we´re....

Kharn: I don´t buy stuff from door-salesmen.

Marneus sniffs in the air.

Marneus: No, we are from Imperial Television and we are recording... Is that cookies i smell?!

Kharn (Looking rather ashamed): Yes, I was just baking some chocolate chip ones. Wait... are we on television right now?

Marneus: Yes.

Kharn rips of the apron, pounds his chest and begins to roar.

Kharn: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE...

He is cut short by Marneus rather large powerfist. Kharn drops like a bag of potatoes.

Marneus: Stuff him in the Rhino, and get him out of here. We´ve got some redecorating to do!

Marneus and his crew all go inside. They enter the hallway, and proceed into the living room.

Marneus:As we can see, Kharn has some... questionable taste in furnishing. But, oh my! Look at that chair!

He indicates a large recliner in the corner, made in black leather with real wood furnishing. He aproaches it and strokes the surface.

Marneus: And look, it´s even got built-in massage! Ahem, I mean, how heretical! Brother Bob, please take this instrument of heresy to my personal Thunderhawk, and have it delivered to quarters on Ultramar. I must personally oversee the... umm... destruction of such an heretical artifact.

Brother Bob hefts the recliner in his arms and exits. Marneus is giddy with joy.

Marneus: Bob! Be sure to take that heretical T.V table too... It would be perfect for my living room. Umm, i mean, we must burn and cleanse it!

Crewmember (offscreen): Hey Marneus, i spotted a blashpemous gold-plated bath-tub in here! Is it okay if I "liberate" it?

Marneus: Of course my brother! We must save Kharn from these foul objects. But enough with the looting, i mean soul-saving, for now! Let´s look at the kitchen.

Marneus enters the kitchen. It´s small and cosy, with a ancient oven in the corner. On top of it sits a tray of freshly baked cookies. Marneus helps himself to a dozen or so.

Marneus: Mmmgluff, I do this for mankind! Gluffgluffmmmmghlfff. Delicious! Now then, lets see what we have here. Clearly, Kharn is opting for a rustic, somewhat rural style of decorating in here. The flesh-walls are complemented nicely by the wood furnishings and woven rugs. However, today we are going for a more Hip-urban style...

He begins to tear out all the wood furnishings, replacing them with steel-slabs and cog-wheels. He nails a notice board to the wall above the table.

Marneus: A top-tip is to use one of these boards for your memory needs. On this board, Kharn can keep track of all his activities and ritual sacrifices. I use 12" steel nails as you can see. Using nails is a art not easily mastered. Fortunately i explain it all in my new book: "Shaft of steel, nailing made easy by M. Calgar." It´s available in all well-stocked book-stores. Do not however confuse it with the similarily named "Shaft of steel, pleasing the ladies, by C. Yarrick." That dirty man does not deserve your money!

In the background, the still hot oven has made Kharns curtains catch flame. The fire quickly leaps to the newly nailed up notice board and the roof. Marneus hard hat catches on fire. Screaming like a girl, he runs out of the house, wich is quickly turned into a fiery inferno. Marneus and the crew can do nothing but watch.

Crewmember: Boss, Kharn is beginning to wake up. What should we do?

Marneus: Umm, dump him on the street. (To the viewers) And that´s about all the time we had today! Hope you enjoyed it as much as usual! See you next time!

Marneus blasts off in his Thunderhawk, leaving the slowly recovering Kharn alone. As he opens his eyes and looks at the inferno consuming his home, tears fall on his heretical cheeks for the first time in many thousand years...

Kharn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

+++END+++

I have read marneus' home inprovement, but I have never found cooking with xaviar. You know where those are?

Awesome!

Just as well it wasn't Tim 'WIckywickywigger' Westwood (I do hope nobody finds hip hop fan offensive. Apologies if I have though)....

Pimp My Ride UK is awful!

'Yo dawg! We is totally lahk shining up your rims innit! WIKKID!'

GTFO with the text walls.

True-scale space marine.

stonefox wrote:GTFO with the text walls.

True-scale space marine.

Why am i having flashbacks to the last scene or so in Beetlejuice.........................??

Orkeosaurus wrote:

My buddy has a friend who says "Hey man I heard you like cars. So I put a car in your car, so you can drive while you drive." And he thinks it's funny. I have every desire to punch him, even though I've never met him.

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:
My buddy has a friend who says "Hey man I heard you like cars. So I put a car in your car, so you can drive while you drive." And he thinks it's funny.

Tell your friend he's cancer.

Krellnus:

All those rules are the reason Chaos exists, especially #326. "Whattya mean I can't put spikes on my armour? Abbadon would let me do it!" *huffs off*

Thalor

These pictures are awesome (i really like that Ork Technology one).

Orkeosaurus wrote:

Best one yet.

don_mondo wrote:

stonefox wrote:GTFO with the text walls.

True-scale space marine.

Why am i having flashbacks to the last scene or so in Beetlejuice.........................??

Beeteljuice copied from marines, that's why. It's pretty accurate if that crimson fist marine illustration is to be believed.

Orkeosaurus wrote:

(out of touch old guy) What is that a reference to? (/out of touch old guy)

Kid_Kyoto wrote:(out of touch old guy) What is that a reference to? (/out of touch old guy)

Pimp my Ride, the show where some weird Ex-rappers tune up your car and add tons and tons of stuff you'd otherwise never see in a car, from Karaoke machines to Bowlingball polishers.

Orkeosaurus wrote:

I've been waiting and waiting for a 40k related Yo Dawg. Thank you so much.

Yo dawg sucks.

captain.gordino wrote:I've been waiting and waiting for a 40k related Yo Dawg. Thank you so much.

You're welcome, I had a lot of spare time on my hands.

Golden Eyed Scout wrote:Yo dawg sucks.

Yo dawg! I herd you don't like Yo Dawg, so I put yo Yo Dawg in yo Yo Dawg so you can hate Yo Dawg while you hate Yo Dawg, dawg!

Here are sum others

How many Nobz does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100, 1 to hold the light in, 99 to pick up the house and turn it around
and
How many Meks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because by the time they are finished with it, it will have 3 trakz, 6 wheels, 2 big gunz and enough room to carry 10 orkz

10 Things you need to know about Marneus Calgar
1. It never rains on Marneus Calgar
2.Before Marneus Calgar goes on stage he breaks someone else's leg for good luck
3.Marneus Calgar was the first person to tame a dinosaur
4.Marneus Calgar's heart(s) beat once a week
5.Marneus Calgar can sneeze with his eyes open
6.Marneus Calgar has no doors in his fortress, only walls he walks through
7.Marneus Calgar can grate fresh parmesian with his stubble
8.Marneus Calgar can turn back time by staring at a clock
9.Marneus Calgar won a staring contest with the sun
10. Marneus Calgar is the only person know to beat both Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris in kung fu.

Some people have disposable income; others have disposable time.

grizgrin wrote:Some people have disposable income; others have disposable time.

And some people are just disposable.

For everything else? Masterca---No, not mastercard! STOP SAYING THAT!

Boss_Salvage wrote:OHYEAH is money in the bank, I love it

The last one, just to check:
- Kids love Kharn
- Hot Elf Chicks love Vindicare
- Eversor is apparently a d!ck and has some "love" administered by the Calli
- 1k Son wanders off into the sunset unloved?

- Salvage

Well I guess she does count as a kid...but shes Lolli D...<,<>,> Ive seen a few things before

made this one.

50 Ways to Annoy your Opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.

waaaait...
obama's promise= change
tzeentch's WHOLE purpose=change
obama+change=TZEENTCH
HOLY CRAP AMERICA IS BEING RUN BY A CHAOS GOD