Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Fortunately, there was a nearby petting zoo/daycare. Max opted for option B, and headed that way to do some sweet, sweet punting

Unfortunately, Shim was now free to examine Max's creation, and found out that the chup embedded into his augmetic suit (by means of a few fused together dead batteries) was emitting a teleport homing signal.

Worried about what might be coming down on his head, he slunk back to the petting zoo to ask Max if they might be friends. After all, every ork needs a grot to carry his extra Dakka...

Max had already forgotten about the Grot and being a bad spella, like moast Orks, he was finking how to putt the small animals when he didn't have a putter.

Fortunately Shim in his augmetic suit was just right so Max grabbed the Grot by the legs and swang away with vim and gusto.

Unfortunately, he let go at the end of his practise swing.

all of a sudden, shim said "me is bigly now" and gre as big as the mountains, and started chasing max.

Assuming that was a "fortunately" ...

Unfortunately for Shim, he was still just regular grot-sized, and with a killer headache to boot from being Max's golf ball.

Meanwhile, the chup continued to broadcast their exact location deep into outer space...

Fortunately, Max regurgitated some spare batteries and sat down, squashing the chip.

Unfortunately, the chip had embedded a self-destruct mecanism, so when Max crushed him, the countdown had begun...And now Max was looking in his backside counting: 5,4,3,2...

Fortunately it is impossible for the main character to die on a 'fortunately' installment.

The chup went off with a bang. The sting was intense -- it reminded Max of when the Kommissar had 'had' him in the back of a Chimera in advanced beef bayonet training. Max greatly regretted having lost all his Pre-H to the Chaos Acolytes.

On the plus side his augmetic bottom was blown off completely, freeing his Orky metabolism to regenerate a proper set of buttocks if he could just get something decent to eat!

Unfortunately, it was too late. Two Tau ethereals materialed before Shim & Max's eyes (dammit guys, let's have more than one main character to make this a bit more interesting )... backed by three full squads of crisis suits ready to "persuade" them to hand the chup over.

All of a sudden the Inquisition's rabid interest in the chup made sense- it wasn't Imperial technology at all, but something stolen from the Tau Empire. Apparently something very important.

And that very important something had just been fried to a crisp...

Fortunately Max had some experience of the Tau Empire, thanks to his wife

"For The Greater Pud", he shouted enthusiastically and grabbing both Shim and the deep fried crispy chup, gobbled them down as quickly as he could.

"At last things are looking up!" Max thought quietly, inside his head.

Unfortunately, his next words were "OH HOLY MOTHER OF feth!!!" stumbling upon Dickmann Headius, Imperial Inquisitor sent to take care of the Ork -turned Max and his sidekick Shim

Fortunately, Inquisitor Headius was blown to sub-atomic bits by the firepower of the Crisis Suits, as the Tau didn't want anyone else getting a hold of the chip (chup).

Unfortunately at that moment a third Inquisitor, backed up by the Sisters of Impuritans Purgens from their orbital battle fortress, arrived to investigate the source of such Inquisational losses.

As the battle raged, Max idly crunched down on one of the aud-cubes left over from his desert island adventure, and tried to think of a plan.

Fortunately for Shim, his augmetic suit kept him safe from the orky acids in Max's stomach... for now. Also in there with him were some spent batteries, and the mysterious deep-fried chup.

The batteries discharged with a KABOOOOOM! giving Max a faint sensation of heartburn. The chup, on the other hand, began to absorb the acid, and glowed a sickly green in the darkness of Max's stomach. Shim could see a faint inscription slowly glowing brighter on its surface: "One Chup to rule them all, one chup to find them. One Chup to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them"

Being the only thing left in the darkness with the Chup, Shim found this quite unnerving.

Unfortunately, Shim was excreted by Max (I'd rather die than exit an Ogryn's ass)

Fortunately for Max, the Tau, Inquisitor and Sisters all turned their attention to Shim, as he had the chip (chup) they were looking for. It was also fortunate for Shim, as it turned out, because they started fighting each other for the right to capture it, letting Max and Shim get the out of dodge.

Unfortunately for Shim, Max had picked him up and had him tucked securely under an arm. Also, the previous post confused Max's orky brain, which remembered escaping danger on the very first page of the thread in a ship called the "Outta Dodge".

He used his orky logic to conclude that meant he should now be heading for the space port to get on another ship. He did so, boarding the first one he found...

Fortunately, it was completely infested with orks, and was about to blast into space! Max then noticed he was the biggest ork by far of the whole group! (about 1500 orks in this particular ship, which is the flagship of the current warboss)

Unfortunately, they ran into one of Ghazgkull's fleets, mobilizing for a large WAAAAAGH!!!! against Cadia...and now Max, besides the fact that he was no longer the biggest ork, he had to face the tactical gen-CREEEEEEEEEED!!!!

Fortunately, Creed being a tactical genius, he immediately realised that Waaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!111!1!!!! Ghagkull/Mad Max offered no real threat, so he turned his attention elsewhere.

This saved Max from an unpleasant surprise.

Owing to bad navigation, the Waaaaaaaaaaggggaggegaeee@!!!!!!111 went off course and landed in the Gluumi Nebula.

Unfortunately, the chup was still fuzed onto Shim's augmetic suit, which in turn was chained to the wall of Max's personal quarters, so that he would always be available for soccer practice.

Upon entering the Nebula, the chup began vibrating violently, reverberating throughout the entire ship (not to mention rattling Shim's brain around inside his skull). The gases surrounding the ship parted in one direction, and became opaque in all others, leaving them only one path- deeper into the Nebula...

(Organ music escalates in the background...)

Fortunately, Max's gasses parted in another direction, blasting Shim and the chup out of the ship into the trackless wastes of the nebula, where he was able to begin a wonderful new adventure of his very own.

Back on the ship, free from distraction, Max applied what little mind he had to getting some Dakka, starting from the galley.

First he slapped a Squig silly. Then he used the Squig to stuff a Grot. He used the stuffed Grot to batter an Ork. He deep-fried the battered ork and fed it to a Weird Boy. Quite soon, Max's culinary skills enabled him to become the captain of the whole ship.

"Dis is wot I call Dakka!" shouted Max, firing off a full spread of novabomb torpedos.

Unfortunately, the novabomb torpedoes answered: "And dis is wot we call DAKKA!!!" upon making an 180 degrees turn straight back to the ship

Fortunately (for some but not for others) when Max saw the torpedos accelerate into their final attack runs, he also got the runs.

His recent diet included Ace lager, a grot covered in Pre-H, burning chups, zombified poodle daemons, cadmium, fried R.O.U.S.s and Emporer knows what other noxious substances.

The ghastly mixture made its toxic presence known by a series of massive waves of explosive diarrhoea, so powerful that the ship was pushed out of the path of the torpedos and began to spiral down towards a small moon.

Or was it a moon, it seemed to be made of meta!?!?!?111

Unfortunately for the crew of the not-a-moon thing, They were not aware that the ship they had just pulled into their dock was full of ORKSES, which they had never faced before.

The Imperial Stormtroopers quickly exterminated the Orkses with a massive cloud of fungicide.

Fortunately for Max, he was only half Ork, so he survived the chemical attack.

Max was dragged to an interrogation cell.

(They've never faced them... How would they think of Fungicide so swiftly? )

Unfortunately, Max was still spewing an awful mess from his behind. As well, being an Ork, "dragging" him proved extremely difficult, and everyone was soon up to their ankles in Ork feces.