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2013/10/19 12:16:17
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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The Last Chancer Who Survived
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 Atropamin wrote:
many different answers:
- When they dress in red robes and wave mechadendrites around.
- When they are not on Mars.
- When they speak Low Gothic
- They haven't already?
- I don't know... maybe that nice Inquisitor over there can answer that question.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE INQUISITION!!!
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2013/10/19 21:24:17
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Brigadier General
The new Sick Man of Europe
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I thought of a good joke earlier, but now I've forgotten it...
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DC:90+S+G++MB++I--Pww211+D++A++/fWD390R++T(F)DM+
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2013/10/20 09:39:27
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Brigadier General
The new Sick Man of Europe
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Ok so I remembered it:
SISTER: I'm sorry hospitaller, I'm not well enough to fight.
HOSPITALLER: what's wrong with you?
SISTER: I've lost my voice.
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DC:90+S+G++MB++I--Pww211+D++A++/fWD390R++T(F)DM+
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2013/10/26 17:00:46
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot
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Sister: Why does Nurgle love his servants so much, anyways?
Sister Superior: That is because his stomach is essentially a mini Eye of Terror: the cultists he hugs are sucked in, never to be seen again.
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2013/10/27 01:00:27
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Longtime Dakkanaut
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 sing your life wrote:Ok so I remembered it:
SISTER: I'm sorry hospitaller, I'm not well enough to fight.
HOSPITALLER: what's wrong with you?
SISTER: I've lost my voice.
ahhhh, that one hit the spot.
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15 successful trades as a buyer;
16 successful trades as a seller;
To glimpse the future, you must look to the past and understand it. Names may change, but human behavior repeats itself. Prophetic insight is nothing more than profound hindsight.
It doesn't matter how bloody far the apple falls from the tree. If the apple fell off of a Granny Smith, that apple is going to grow into a Granny bloody Smith. The only difference is whether that apple grows in the shade of the tree it fell from. |
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2013/10/27 01:56:32
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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sing your life wrote:Ok so I remembered it:
SISTER: I'm sorry hospitaller, I'm not well enough to fight.
HOSPITALLER: what's wrong with you?
SISTER: I've lost my voice.
That reminds me of this scene from my never-finished script for 40K movie (technically, this is an IG joke, since it's an Imperial Guard hospital ward, but let's imagine the nurse is a Hospitaller). Backstory is the sole survivor of a massed infantry charge against a Chaos Imperator tyrant wakes up from a very, very bad dream to discover....
INTERIOR – HOSPITAL WARD – DAY
Psalmer’s eyes blink open.
The soundtrack is playing Social Distortion’s “Ball and Chain”:
SOCIAL DISTORTION:
(off screen)
Well, it's been ten years and a thousand tears
and look at the mess I’m in
Psalmer’s still in the same bed in the same hospital ward. But his face is covered with bruises, he’s wearing an oxygen mask, and he’s hooked up to IVs. Stone and the other dead men are all gone. Other, unfamiliar soldiers lie in the beds on either side of him.
SOCIAL DISTORTION:
(continuing)
A broken heart and a broken nose
And an empty bottle of gin…
Psalmer tries to sit up and gasps with pain. He pulls back his bed sheet and sees his whole abdomen is wrapped with bandages. Blood is seeping through on the right side.
PSALMER:
(weakly)
Help.
(a long pause)
PSALMER:
Help?
A MEAN NURSE (Ellen Page) in shapeless blue scrubs stomps over, adjusts his IVs, and yanks off his oxygen mask.
MEAN NURSE:
Good. Finally awake. How many fingers?
She flips him the bird.
PSALMER:
Uh, one?
She makes a checkmark on her clipboard.
MEAN NURSE:
Good. Roll over.
Without waiting for him to comply. she shoves him on his side – Psalmer whimpers – then quickly cuts off his bloody bandages, sprays the wound clean with a water bottle, and starts bandaging him back up.
PSALMER:
Painkillers? Please?
MEAN NURSE:
If you’re well enough to ask for painkillers, you obviously don’t need them.
She rolls him back over, pulls the bandages tight – he gasps – and starts walking away, writing on her clipboard.
PSALMER:
So I can get painkillers if I DON’T ask for them?
MEAN NURSE:
Of course not.
PSALMER:
Wait!
MEAN NURSE:
What. Is. It. Now?
PSALMER:
The battle – did we win?
MEAN NURSE:
Narrow that down, kid. Which planet?
PSALMER:
Oh. Uh – Ypres II, I think.
MEAN NURSE:
They’ve shipped back a gakload of wounded from there, so we probably won.
PSALMER:
Wait, what?
MEAN NURSE:
When we lose, there ain’t nobody to ship back.
She walks away.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Another line from the same fanfic, spoken by a Commissar:
If a man is sent on a suicide mission and survives, he has clearly disobeyed orders and should be shot.
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/10/27 02:05:13
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2013/10/27 09:36:49
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Brigadier General
The new Sick Man of Europe
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* 2 sisters bring in another sister on a stretcher*
Hospitalior: What's happened to her?
Sister: A cultist hit her over the head with a can of cola, m'am.
Hospitalliar: She can't be that badly hurt, it's a soft drink.
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DC:90+S+G++MB++I--Pww211+D++A++/fWD390R++T(F)DM+
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2013/10/27 13:11:29
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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Groan.
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2013/10/27 14:22:51
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Pile of Necron Spare Parts
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Just saying "Bolter Bitches" makes me laugh.
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 Starting out in W40K :
1 ) If you have no job, you're fu****!
2 ) If you have a job but it has bad pay you're fu****!
3 ) Ok, you got a job
4 ) You bought your first collection of essentials and your starting army
5 ) Bought MOAR W40K STUFF!!
6 ) Lost your job :O
7 ) You're fu****... |
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2013/10/27 18:50:51
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Gore-Soaked Lunatic Witchhunter
Seattle
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sing your life wrote:* 2 sisters bring in another sister on a stretcher*
Hospitalior: What's happened to her?
Sister: A cultist hit her over the head with a can of cola, m'am.
Hospitalliar: She can't be that badly hurt, it's a soft drink.
Bwahahaha.
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It is best to be a pessimist. You are usually right and, when you're wrong, you're pleasantly surprised. |
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2013/11/11 20:29:47
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Regular Dakkanaut
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Two Sisters of Battle are on Patrol in an old Hive city, riding in a Repressor. For Sister Raven, it's her first time.
SISTER RAVEN: You know Sister Koriander, I don't think I've ever come this way before.
Sister Koriander smiles and replies, "It's the cobblestones."
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"That's not a CLUB boy, it's a Baton!"
'What do you do with it?'
"We CLUB people with it." |
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2013/11/11 20:31:06
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Legendary Master of the Chapter
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 Ray Age wrote:Two Sisters of Battle are on Patrol in an old Hive city, riding in a Repressor. For Sister Raven, it's her first time.
SISTER RAVEN: You know Sister Koriander, I don't think I've ever come this way before.
Sister Koriander smiles and replies, "It's the cobblestones."
Oh geeze.
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 Unit1126PLL wrote: Scott-S6 wrote:And yet another thread is hijacked for Unit to ask for the same advice, receive the same answers and make the same excuses.
Oh my god I'm becoming martel.
Send help!
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2013/11/11 20:40:58
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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The Last Chancer Who Survived
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Sister:
*cooking*
How do I flambay something?
Salamander's Dreadnought: LET THE PROMETHIUM BURN IT TO A CINDER!
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2013/11/11 21:10:40
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Powerful Phoenix Lord
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It's flambe.
Flambay has a different meaning.
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Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia |
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2013/11/11 21:24:03
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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We got to page six before we got a sex joke, and it wasn't even particularly sexist, so I'm pretty happy.
Also my latest Sororitas fanfic is full of grimsnark, although the ending is less snarky and more just grim.....
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2013/11/11 21:43:01
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Powerful Phoenix Lord
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SisterSydney. How dare you try to bring some anti-grimdark to the grimdark!
Automatically Appended Next Post:
Great story by the way. I look forward to the next one.
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/11/11 21:43:28
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia |
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0015/09/01 00:59:26
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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Crossposted from this amusing Space Marine humor thread, where it was a little off topic: When I homebrewed this Predator Infernus variant for the Sisters, I imagined the way they first got the thing went something like this: MAGOS: Thank. You. Canoness. Please. Sign. Here. For Your. Immolators. CANONESS: Certainly.... JUNIOR SISTER: What's that? MAGOS: What. Is. What. JUNIOR SISTER: That big tank over there. MAGOS: That. Is. A. Predator. Infernus. JUNIOR SISTER: What's the gun on it? MAGOS: Flamestorm. Cannon. May. Also. Take. Magna. Melta. JUNIOR SISTER: Like a giant flamer or a giant melta? MAGOS: In. Essence. JUNIOR SISTER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... CANONESS: I want one. MAGOS: They. Are. Reserved. For. The. Marines. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [Techpriests all over the Manufactorium are starting to tap their augmetic ears and run diagnostics] CANONESS: Don't care. Want now. MAGOS: But. The. Requisition.... JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... CANONESS: Give me that "requisition form" feth and I'll eviscerate your arse. I'm not some Munitorum paper pusher. MAGOS: But. But. But. Can't. Think. Horrid. Sound. Creating. Feedback. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [One by one, Techpriests begin to clasp their hands over their ears, writhing in agony] CANONESS: So are you going to let us take it? MAGOS: Please. Stop. Her. Making. That. Sound. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [A nearby Techpriest rips out his auditory implants in desperation] CANONESS: Oh, the squeeing? I work with teenage girls a lot. They just do that. MAGOS: Make. It. STOP. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [A Techpriest's head explodes] CANONESS: And you'll give us the tank? MAGOS: ANY! THING! JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... CANONESS: Dead puppies. JUNIOR SISTER: Awwwwwww. CANONESS: Tank now. You thought Noise Marines were bad? Try an entire army of teenage girls.
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/11/12 15:44:10
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2013/11/12 17:54:54
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Gore-Soaked Lunatic Witchhunter
Seattle
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LOL!
That cross-posted one is *good*.
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It is best to be a pessimist. You are usually right and, when you're wrong, you're pleasantly surprised. |
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2013/11/12 20:30:37
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Ultramarine Librarian with Freaky Familiar
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Sister 1: So, I heard the Imperial Guard tricked the orks into attacking a farm.
Sister 2: Wow... Im actually surprised. How did they do that?
Sister 1: They painted the tractors green.
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Thought for the day: Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
30k Ultramarines: 2000 pts
Bolt Action Germans: ~1200 pts
AOS Stormcast: Just starting.
 The Empire : ~60-70 models.
 1500 pts
 : My Salamanders painting blog 16 Infantry and 2 Vehicles done so far! |
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2013/11/12 20:41:50
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Powerful Phoenix Lord
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SisterSydney, I read you stories and I think of this:
http://www.egscomics.com/index.php?id=1632
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Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia |
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2013/11/13 06:01:51
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Longtime Dakkanaut
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 sing your life wrote:* 2 sisters bring in another sister on a stretcher*
Hospitalior: What's happened to her?
Sister: A cultist hit her over the head with a can of cola, m'am.
Hospitalliar: She can't be that badly hurt, it's a soft drink.
you are hereby suspended without pay, and to report for retraining. Failure to do so will have you fired and your qualifications revoked. Failure to leave the premises after your termination of employment will result in the prosecution of the fullest extent of the law, including but not limited to, forcible removal, arrest, subjugation and beheading.
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15 successful trades as a buyer;
16 successful trades as a seller;
To glimpse the future, you must look to the past and understand it. Names may change, but human behavior repeats itself. Prophetic insight is nothing more than profound hindsight.
It doesn't matter how bloody far the apple falls from the tree. If the apple fell off of a Granny Smith, that apple is going to grow into a Granny bloody Smith. The only difference is whether that apple grows in the shade of the tree it fell from. |
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2013/11/13 09:22:55
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Stalwart Space Marine
The Sawmill
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SISTER KORIANDER: Hey sister! an Imperial fist, a Black Templar, and a Salamander are rushing into battle...
SISTER RAVEN: The Imperial Fist hides behind a wall the whole time, the Black Templar get's eaten by a Squiggoth when he charges it, and the Salamander never even gets there.
SISTER KORIANDER: Right!
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 "and the most pimpin' of them all... were the Salamanders.
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2013/11/13 09:27:50
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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The Last Chancer Who Survived
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 poda_t wrote: sing your life wrote:* 2 sisters bring in another sister on a stretcher*
Hospitalior: What's happened to her?
Sister: A cultist hit her over the head with a can of cola, m'am.
Hospitalliar: She can't be that badly hurt, it's a soft drink.
you are hereby suspended without pay, and to report for retraining. Failure to do so will have you fired and your qualifications revoked. Failure to leave the premises after your termination of employment will result in the prosecution of the fullest extent of the law, including but not limited to, forcible removal, arrest, subjugation and beheading.
Also extra crispy.
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2013/11/13 10:03:17
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Hallowed Canoness
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 Lord Gatlas wrote:SISTER KORIANDER: Hey sister! an Imperial fist, a Black Templar, and a Salamander are rushing into battle...
SISTER RAVEN: The Imperial Fist hides behind a wall the whole time, the Black Templar get's eaten by a Squiggoth when he charges it, and the Salamander never even gets there.
SISTER KORIANDER: You've heard this one before, haven't you?
Seems funnier to me.
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"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad. |
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2013/12/01 20:38:19
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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I couldn't resist this one. Warning: naughty word.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! What's an Astartes got that a Sister ain't got, anyway?
SISTER RAVEN: 400 pounds of muscle and a 50-50 chance of turning traitor.
SISTER KORIANDER: Um, how about, y'know, a penis?
SISTER RAVEN: After all the steroids they take?
SISTER KORIANDER: Good point.
SISTER RAVEN: Actually, it's a very small point.
[Edited on 12/4 to add that last line, just to make everything worse.]
Note to fanboys: Yes, I'm well aware that the "Astartes are neuter" idea has been pretty thoroughly debunked. That doesn't mean teenage Sisters don't make juvenile jokes about it.
Note to mods: Yes, the last post in this thread was 18 days ago, but the prohibition on thread necromancy only restricts posting in threads that have been dormant "for several weeks." Several = 3-4 weeks, 18 days = 2.6 weeks. So I think I'm within bounds. In short, please don't lock the thread!
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/12/05 00:35:07
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2013/12/01 20:57:25
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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The Last Chancer Who Survived
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Heh, dick jokes.
*giggle*
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2013/12/01 23:07:33
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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It took us six pages to degenerate to dick jokes, I think that's pretty good....
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2013/12/01 23:56:52
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot
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Sister 1: Your mother is so heretical that she knows a little bit more about Slaanesh than his/her other cultists... If you know what I mean.
Sister 2: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/12/01 23:57:18
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2013/12/02 18:41:10
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Preacher of the Emperor
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And in a shameless bit of self-promotion, let me say my two latest Novice Ginevra stories have a lot of grim snarkiness before they descend into the grim darkness. For example: From Ollanius Pius Requiem (a Sororitas/Imperial Guard story): "Eyes front, Novice Ginevra," Portia hissed again, smacking her on the back of her carapace armor this time.
"Feth you up the arsehole with a rotary power scythe," Ginevra muttered.
"What was that?"
"Yes Provisional Squad Leader ma'am."
From Able Baker (a Sororitas/Inquisition story) "Join the Inquisition, they said. See the galaxy, they said. Save humanity, they said. Do tons of paperwork, they said. Oh wait, they forgot to fething mention that last one, didn't they?"
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2013/12/02 18:41:39
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2013/12/02 23:12:37
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
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Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot
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I liked that last one from Able Baker. The Inquisitor has some real personality, IMO.
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