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Thanks. Having read the "notable inquisitors" profiles in the new Codex, I really did want to write up someone who was capable of committing atrocities but still fundamentally sane.

 SisterSydney wrote:
Thanks. Having read the "notable inquisitors" profiles in the new Codex, I really did want to write up someone who was capable of committing atrocities but still fundamentally sane.

isn't the fundamental prerequisite of being an inquisitor the committing of atrocities?

Yes. The question is whether you're a good team player with the other Inquisitors and Imperial agencies that are also tasked with the commission of atrocities. Don't Exterminatus the planet your fellow Inquisitor is trying to recover archeotech from -- it's not polite!

Rogue Trader deValois: And this, ladies is the gun deck. There are thirty seven Pyros Melta Cannons (for those not in the know, this is a meltagun for 40k starships) on this deck alone.
Sister Superior Tarna: Holy Throne...
Rogue Trader deValois: Each has it's own gun chapel...
*Sister Spathic Faints dead away*
Rogue Trader deValois:...but you'll be posted in the main shrine to the God Emperor.
*Several faces fall*
Rogue Trader deValois: No, you'll like it, the main alter was made from the casing of a melta torpedo used in the defense of Terra against the Warmaster Horus...
*With a sound like dishes falling to the floor, several more siste s faint.*
Sister Gloria: M'lady, I think I can safely speak for us all when I say that we look forward to our long term deployment with you, ma'm.

"Sister Lou, Sister Lou, we just got a new assignment!"

"Calm down, Sister Miko. What is it? An Apostate Cardinal?"

"No..."

"Heretic cult?"

"No..."

"Genestealer infestation?!"


"No... well, if we're lucky... maybe."

"Fine, I give. What is it?"

"We're escorting a Rogue Trader through the Anarchy cluster!"

"..."

Since I've already brought us down to the level of dick jokes, why not racism, toilet humor, and gratuitous nudity (in that order):

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! What's the difference between an Astartes and an Ogryn?
SISTER RAVEN: One's a hideous, hulking abhuman who denies the divinity of the Emperor, and the other is faithful enough for the Imperial Guard.
PASSING OGRYN: Hi pretty ladies! Hi!
RAVEN: Also one is way less stuck-up.
OGRYN: Pretty Emprah Daughters pray for Ogryn fight good, okay?
KORIANDER [squeeing]: So cute! It thinks it's people!

***

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! How does an Arbites stir his coffee?
SISTER RAVEN: With a shock maul, obviously.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! How does an Arbites brush his teeth?
SISTER RAVEN: With a shock maul.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! What does an Arbites wipe his bottom with after he goes Number Two?
SISTER RAVEN: Shock maul.
SISTER KORIANDER: How does an Arbites...
SISTER RAVEN: Shock. Maul.
SISTER KORIANDER: I did not know that.
SISTER RAVEN: What, did a Hospitaller drop you on your head when you were a baby?
SISTER KORIANDER: No, but they drop the Arbites!
SISTER RAVEN: And the Commissars. Repeatedly.
PASSING COMMISSAR: Would you care to repeat that, Sister?
SISTER RAVEN: Would you care to have any jurisdiction over me at all, Brother Big Hat?
COMMISSAR: I can file a report with your Superior.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Brother! Do you know what our Superior wipes her bottom with after she goes Number Two?

***

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! Why do our Battle Brothers from the Imperial Guard keep trying to look into our shower tent?
SISTER RAVEN: I - I have no idea.
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh. I was hoping you knew.
SISTER RAVEN: Nope.
SISTER KORIANDER: It's the one place we do not have our beautifully decorated armor or purity seals or cool weapons. There's nothing to look at!
SISTER RAVEN: Guardsmen are weird.
PASSING FEMALE GUARD SOLDIER: Bwahahahahaha!
SISTER RAVEN: Hey! What are you laughing at, Little Sister?
FEMALE GUARD: Ha - heh - snrrrrk - nothing! [sudden terrifying realization] Please don't incinerate me! [runs away]
SISTER RAVEN: Ok, I totally don't get Guardswomen, either.

Sister Spathic: I don't understand your conflict with the male guard regiments.
Guardswomen: Well, it's like this. They think they're superior because the God Emperor saw fit to issue them extra equipment.
Sister Spathic: You mean like lascannons?
Guardswoman: *lights lho stick* Some of them like to think of them as that, but they're mostly just carrying laspistols.

[off-topic]Snrk. Actually, from a biological point of view, women have far more "extra equipment" since they can, y'know, gestate and breast-feed babies. Plus all fetuses apparently start female until the Y chromosome kicks and the vagina, um, inverts from concave to convex.[/off-topic]

That is knowledge to be rightfully possessed only by the Magos Biologis, Sister. Report to the Canoness for remedial de-education.

I for one have a very reliable lascannon. It always penetrates it's target.

Now excuse me, I think I hear the inquisition coming.

No, no, no, we're done with the dick jokes, I'm sorry I ever started it. I'd better join the Repentia ... oh wait, like that'll stop inappropriate sexual comments. Feth.

Just to recycle one from the Last Chancers...

"And Saint Phistinius went unto the enemy unarmed and unarmoured..."

"She's not quite unarmed, you know."

"Yes, but she's not trained to dual wield."

"I meant the giant chainsword."

"... oh."

Sister Spathic: *roasting a undulating carpet of rippers with a heavy flamer* This must be the God Emperor's punishment on me for my indulgence at that 'All You can Eat' shrimp buffet...


General Von MIttlesturm: The tyranids are coming to eat us all!
Sister Gloria: *Whispering* And I can't wait for it. Have you seen some of the tongues those things have?
Sister Spathic: *Whispering* I don't think that she means 'eat' in quite the same way you do.


Sister Gloria: Good, this one had two plasma pistols.
Sister Claire: Don't you feel bad about looting the corpses of your fallen sisters for extra weapons?
Sister Gloria: As I see it, they don't need them any more. Besides, Sister Ries here was a bitch when she was alive. Now she's actually good for something. Imperator Vult.

 SisterSydney wrote:
No, no, no, we're done with the dick jokes, I'm sorry I ever started it. I'd better join the Repentia ... oh wait, like that'll stop inappropriate sexual comments. Feth.

"Hey baby, wanna hold my eviscerator? It has 2d6 armor penetration..."

And that is why, citizens, I am now approximately 95% cybernetics.

The Gift of the Sisters: An Emperor's Day Story

SISTER KORIANDER: Canoness! Canoness! It's terrible!
SISTER RAVEN: Well, it's pretty lousy.
CANONESS NICOLA: What is it, my child?
SISTER KORIANDER: I wanted to buy my best friend Sister Raven an Emperor's Day present, and she has this beautiful bolter with pictures of all the saints 'n' stuff, but I didn't have enough money, so I sold my Eviscerator....
SISTER RAVEN: Except I'd already sold my bolter to get enough money to buy her a set of extra-sacred spare chains for her Eviscerator. So yeah.
CANONESS NICOLA: Wait, you sold your weapons?
SISTER KORIANDER: Ah, well...
CANONESS NICOLA: Your Sisterhood-issued weapons?
SISTER RAVEN: Um.
CANONESS: Who to?
SISTER RAVEN: I think you mean "to whom," Canoness.
CANONESS: Grammar nazis are heretics. Shut up.
SISTER KORIANDER: We sold them to the nice wargear shop guy down the road from the convent, ma'am.
CANONESS: The civilian wargear guy who is forbidden by Imperial law by allow to sell anything more powerful than an autogun?
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh.
SISTER RAVEN: I see where the issue might have been there.
CANONESS: 40 lashes and two days' penance on latrine duty for each of you.
SISTER RAVEN: Ma'am!
SISTER KORIANDER: But -- but it's Emperor's Day!
CANONESS: Fine, three days' penance.
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER; [sad faces]
CANONESS: But the guy who bought your weapons off you violated Imperial law and committed heresy by tempting two Sisters into sin.
SISTER KORIANDER: Huh?
CANONESS: So before you get your lashes, go down to his shop, burn him as a heretic, and get your stuff back, m'kay?
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER: Yay!

And they all had a very Merry Emperor's Day, except the wargear shop guy.

I'm not sure if this is heresy or not:

Two hobbyists were painting their minis

DUDE#1: What are you painting?
DUDE#2: Just bitz for my Templars
DUDE#1: Oh I didn't know you collected Sisters of Battle.

SISTER: *looking at a titan* It's huge!
HERETIC MARINE: *looking down* Yes, it is rather.
SISTER: It's beautiful!
HERETIC MARINE: Mmmm... yes....
SISTER: I wish I could see it go to war right now!
HERETIC MARINE: *looks up* I didn't know you felt that way.
SISTER: Oh, yes, I love to see those heretics get smooshed by those big stompy legs, and incinerated by those ginormous cannons!
HERETIC MARINE: Wait, what're you talking about?
SISTER: *looks at the marine* The titan, why?
HERETIC MARINE: *looks down* Oh. Erm...
SISTER: Disgusting Heretic! *Meltagun*

I've also started a thread for How do you celebrate Emperor's Day on YOUR planet? because I couldn't resist.

SISTER: Madam, my dog chases everything he sees on a bike.
CANONESS: You need to take away his bike.

After a long, hard-fought victory on the previously ork-infested planet of Dourmo V, the company of Sisters called to clean up the mess have already departed on their battle-barge, accidentally leaving Novice McCallister behind. The novice, who had some friction with her Superior, takes advantage of the mysterious absence of her comrades.

Novice McCallister: (Indulging on extra rations, finds a small box from an Ork camp titled "Boyz wit' Rottin Soulz") Sister Superior! I'm eating with glutton and watching Xenos rubbish! Better come out and stop me! (Begins playing video)

(Scene opens in an Ork shack with a Nob sitting inside. A Kommando walks to the door and pounds on it enthusiastically.)
Nob: 'Oo'z dere?
Kommando: It'z me, Snakez. I'z got da stuffz.
Nob: Leev it at da door and git da zog outta 'ere, ya git!
Snakez: Whut 'bout da teef?
Nob: Whut teef?
Snakez: Acey sez ya got sum doh fer me.
Nob: Iz dat a fakt? 'Ow much duz I owe ya?
Snakez: Acey sez a tenf of da teef.
Nob: It'z too bad Acey ain't da boss no more.
Snakez: Whaddya sayin'?
Nob: Acey iz upstairs, takin' a baff. 'E'll call fer ya when 'e gets out.
(Snakez begins to look uneasy)
Nob: Oi, Snakez, ya git! Tell ya whut I'm gunna give ya! (Grabs a shoota from under his desk). I'm gunna give ya to da kount of ten ta git yer sneakin', purpul, muckin' self offa my propatee befer I dakka ya to bitz!
Snakez: Alrigh' Jonny, I'z sorree.
Jonny: I'm goin'! Wun... Too... Uh... Whut's afta too?
Snakez: Ten, I fink.
Jonny: Alrigh' then, TEN! (Opens fire on Snakez) WAAAAAAGH!

Novice McCallister: (Covers eyes with fear)

Jonny: (Still firing Shoota at a bloody pile on the ground) WAAAAAAGH!!!! ...Keep da extra, ya git!

Novice McCallister: (Stops movie immediately) SISTERS!

 KommissarKiln wrote:
After a long, hard-fought victory on the previously ork-infested planet of Dourmo V, the company of Sisters called to clean up the mess have already departed on their battle-barge, accidentally leaving Novice McCallister behind. The novice, who had some friction with her Superior, takes advantage of the mysterious absence of her comrades.

Novice McCallister: (Indulging on extra rations, finds a small box from an Ork camp titled "Boyz wit' Rottin Soulz") Sister Superior! I'm eating with glutton and watching Xenos rubbish! Better come out and stop me! (Begins playing video)

(Scene opens in an Ork shack with a Nob sitting inside. A Kommando walks to the door and pounds on it enthusiastically.)
Nob: 'Oo'z dere?
Kommando: It'z me, Snakez. I'z got da stuffz.
Nob: Leev it at da door and git da zog outta 'ere, ya git!
Snakez: Whut 'bout da teef?
Nob: Whut teef?
Snakez: Acey sez ya got sum doh fer me.
Nob: Iz dat a fakt? 'Ow much duz I owe ya?
Snakez: Acey sez a tenf of da teef.
Nob: It'z too bad Acey ain't da boss no more.
Snakez: Whaddya sayin'?
Nob: Acey iz upstairs, takin' a baff. 'E'll call fer ya when 'e gets out.
(Snakez begins to look uneasy)
Nob: Oi, Snakez, ya git! Tell ya whut I'm gunna give ya! (Grabs a shoota from under his desk). I'm gunna give ya to da kount of ten ta git yer sneakin', purpul, muckin' self offa my propatee befer I dakka ya to bitz!
Snakez: Alrigh' Jonny, I'z sorree.
Jonny: I'm goin'! Wun... Too... Uh... Whut's afta too?
Snakez: Ten, I fink.
Jonny: Alrigh' then, TEN! (Opens fire on Snakez) WAAAAAAGH!

Novice McCallister: (Covers eyes with fear)

Jonny: (Still firing Shoota at a bloody pile on the ground) WAAAAAAGH!!!! ...Keep da extra, ya git!

Novice McCallister: (Stops movie immediately) SISTERS!

I don't get it. Why would a sister be afraid of an Ork mobster flick?

Not sure if sarcasm... Or have never seen Home Alone.

 KommissarKiln wrote:
Not sure if sarcasm... Or have never seen Home Alone.

knew it was home alone!Didn't say anything though since I was too lazy.

I haven't seen Home Alone...

Sister: What's the difference between a Khornate and a Slaaneshi heretic?
Sister Superior: What?
Sister: The Slaaneshi heretic is more eager to burn.

Hey, Sister, what do you call a Vindicare who keeps pratfalling?

LIIVI?

No, silly! He's an Arsassin!

That... that's painful.

fufufu....

 SisterSydney wrote:
The Gift of the Sisters: An Emperor's Day Story

SISTER KORIANDER: Canoness! Canoness! It's terrible!
SISTER RAVEN: Well, it's pretty lousy.
CANONESS NICOLA: What is it, my child?
SISTER KORIANDER: I wanted to buy my best friend Sister Raven an Emperor's Day present, and she has this beautiful bolter with pictures of all the saints 'n' stuff, but I didn't have enough money, so I sold my Eviscerator....
SISTER RAVEN: Except I'd already sold my bolter to get enough money to buy her a set of extra-sacred spare chains for her Eviscerator. So yeah.
CANONESS NICOLA: Wait, you sold your weapons?
SISTER KORIANDER: Ah, well...
CANONESS NICOLA: Your Sisterhood-issued weapons?
SISTER RAVEN: Um.
CANONESS: Who to?
SISTER RAVEN: I think you mean "to whom," Canoness.
CANONESS: Grammar nazis are heretics. Shut up.
SISTER KORIANDER: We sold them to the nice wargear shop guy down the road from the convent, ma'am.
CANONESS: The civilian wargear guy who is forbidden by Imperial law by allow to sell anything more powerful than an autogun?
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh.
SISTER RAVEN: I see where the issue might have been there.
CANONESS: 40 lashes and two days' penance on latrine duty for each of you.
SISTER RAVEN: Ma'am!
SISTER KORIANDER: But -- but it's Emperor's Day!
CANONESS: Fine, three days' penance.
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER; [sad faces]
CANONESS: But the guy who bought your weapons off you violated Imperial law and committed heresy by tempting two Sisters into sin.
SISTER KORIANDER: Huh?
CANONESS: So before you get your lashes, go down to his shop, burn him as a heretic, and get your stuff back, m'kay?
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER: Yay!

And they all had a very Merry Emperor's Day, except the wargear shop guy.

Only it turned out the wargear shop guy was an Ork wearing a mask with a small army of gretchins hidden under the booth from which he operated, all of which were clapping their hands.

;_;

I've never been good for normal jokes.

Cross-posted from the comments of my"how do people end up in the Schola Progenium, anyway?" story, The Beginning:

 Furyou Miko wrote:

 SisterSydney wrote:
"Mary, darling, the Schola is simply the best education in the Imperium for our little ones."
"Yes, George, darling, but neither of us is dead, so.... Wait! No! Put that down!"
[BLAM]
"Now, where did I put those forms...."

True story.