poppa G wrote: I've never been turned down for a number. So here's my little 'trick' if you want to call it that. So say you're in a bar setting, you're laughing and having fun with this person. You guys really click. So I'll just say hey I've had fun talking with you, I have to go but I wish to get to know you better, what's your number? It's not clever in the slightest but because you've left a very good first impression on her instead of rushing this question earlier in the night there's no way she would say no to a second chance to hang with you.
Basically, you are saying that if some girl is having a great time with you and she really wants to see you again, it it not hard to get her number ? Non kidding ? The problem is how to get there, and maybe sometime also to realize you are there.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: Basically, you are saying that if some girl is having a great time with you and she really wants to see you again, it it not hard to get her number ? Non kidding ?
The problem is how to get there, and maybe sometime also to realize you are there.
The only alternatives to "not being fun to be around" in terms of meeting (and sleeping with) women are 1) be wealthy, 2) be far above average in terms of physical attractiveness, or 3) pay for sex. Since two of those cost more than being an awesome person (plenty of broke-as-a-joke guys get hot girls...even broke guys who are dumber than a bag of hammers...simply because they're fun to be around), and one is more of a "you're born with it" kind of thing, the focus should probably be on improving your interpersonal skills.
Sometimes realizing you're there can be difficult. If there's doubt, don't ask for a number. It's 2014...women will often ask for your number if they really want it, though it's better form to ask first it doesn't really matter. A takedown is a takedown.
So nobody has heard of any books on evolutionary psychology? I am not trying to joke here, there is actually some really good stuff in the field that is applicable to cases like this.
Basically says that all mental abilities work like interconnected modules, and that most of them evolved in the cave man days so they are no longer applicable. Helps to know certain subtle ways to be more attractive.
Keys to being more attractive... part your hair on the left... no really, i was reading a study yesterday that found that men who part their hair on the left are seen as more attractive, confident and masculine, while men who part it on the right are seen as weaker, more effeminate, and less confident. The same holds true for women (in other words, women who part their hair on the right are generally preferred over women who part it on the left).
Ridiculous pseudoscience that invents "what if" stories without any evidence at all, and always justifies our existing biases and stereotypes. The original concepts weren't bad, but now the field is 99% garbage.
Yeah, that evolutionary psychology is the 'science' (read: pseudoscience) behind much of the PUA articles you can find online advertising the secret to getting women.
Im finding Tinder to be very frustrating.... I keep finding myself going on long long bouts of nonstop nos, even when I see girls that Im pretty sure I might find attractive otherwise, no idea why.
No,not internet EP, that is mostly garbage. You generally need to get (gasp)books written by (gasp)people who know what they are talking about, which contains (gasp) very little to do with dating, mostly things that arer within the realms of normal psychology.
Also, Darwin has mentioned it, so it is not "psuedoscience"
FoWPlayerDeathOfUS.TDs wrote: No,not internet EP, that is mostly garbage. You generally need to get (gasp)books written by (gasp)people who know what they are talking about, which contains (gasp) very little to do with dating, mostly things that arer within the realms of normal psychology.
Also, Darwin has mentioned it, so it is not "psuedoscience"
While a lot of stuff Darwin did holds up he still produces the occasional stinker like this "I can see no difficulty in a race of bears being rendered, by natural selection, more and more aquatic in their structure and habits, with larger and larger mouths," Darwin concluded, "till a creature was
produced as monstrous as a whale". What Darwin did for science is incredible but he shouldn't be seen as the absolute authority on the subject and the work of other experts in the field should be taken in consideration as well. That being said I know very little about evolutionary biology so
FoWPlayerDeathOfUS.TDs wrote: No,not internet EP, that is mostly garbage. You generally need to get (gasp)books written by (gasp)people who know what they are talking about, which contains (gasp) very little to do with dating, mostly things that arer within the realms of normal psychology.
Also, Darwin has mentioned it, so it is not "psuedoscience"
Is this some of that Pick Up Artist trash?
Thought for the day: If you need psychological tricks to pick up women, it's a pretty clear sign you probably suck.
FoWPlayerDeathOfUS.TDs wrote: No,not internet EP, that is mostly garbage. You generally need to get (gasp)books written by (gasp)people who know what they are talking about, which contains (gasp) very little to do with dating, mostly things that arer within the realms of normal psychology.
Also, Darwin has mentioned it, so it is not "psuedoscience"
Is this some of that Pick Up Artist trash?
Thought for the day: If you need psychological tricks to pick up women, it's a pretty clear sign you probably suck.
To some people, the things PUAs teach aren't readily apparent and need to be learned. I've never read any of the stuff in detail but a buddy of mine from the army teaches it and routinely slays ridiculously attractive women, so he's obviously doing something right.
From what he's told me in conversation, it's things that most guys who are good with women will do anyway. 99% of it you could probably get from reading this thread.
Sure Hybrid, but that's more a "develop self esteem" (easy to say, harder to do) then taking the advice of a man who thinks this is a good hat...
Or espouses any form or format of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programing) the pseudoscience behind most PUA advice that is soundly bs if you ask actual shrinks.
I stand by my statement, if you're turning to subversion and tricks, especially ones prepackaged and sold to you by someone A. you're probably getting ripped off by the guy selling you the tricks and B. Isn't it more likely the problem's closer to home?
It's not about being perceived as geeky or having weird hobbies, we all have those, every human on this planet has something they're a little too into that most people aren't that interested in, but especially in the age of Marvel making multibillion dollar blockbusters multiple times a year that isn't a problem.
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
KalashnikovMarine wrote: Thought for the day: If you need psychological tricks to pick up women, it's a pretty clear sign you probably suck.
You know most people that most people that comes to this thread have both troubles picking up women, and self-esteem issues, right ?
Sure, people have problems and need advice. But there's a difference between good advice (dressing neatly, confidence, etc) and PUA pseudoscience. The whole PUA concept is that women and dating are just a game, and they'll give you the cheat codes so you can just use a few gimmicks and have all the women you want, without having to do anything difficult like trying to make yourself be the kind of person that women want to date. The only thing preventing it from being a blatant scam is the fact that the people selling it seem to be genuinely stupid enough to believe their own nonsense.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
FoWPlayerDeathOfUS.TDs wrote: You generally need to get (gasp)books written by (gasp)people who know what they are talking about, which contains (gasp) very little to do with dating, mostly things that arer within the realms of normal psychology.
No, even "real" evolutionary psychology is mostly pseudoscience. The vast majority of it is just "what if" speculation with no evidence behind it, other than "this seems plausible to me". Which is unfortunate, because the basic concept of attempting to look back at the origins of our minds is a good one, it's just misused by a bunch of frauds writing empty speculation about how all of their opinions on how society should work are somehow magically backed by "science".
Also, Darwin has mentioned it, so it is not "psuedoscience"
Do you know what an appeal to authority is? Clearly not.
KalashnikovMarine wrote: Sure Hybrid, but that's more a "develop self esteem" (easy to say, harder to do) then taking the advice of a man who thinks this is a good hat...
Or espouses any form or format of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programing) the pseudoscience behind most PUA advice that is soundly bs if you ask actual shrinks.
I stand by my statement, if you're turning to subversion and tricks, especially ones prepackaged and sold to you by someone A. you're probably getting ripped off by the guy selling you the tricks and B. Isn't it more likely the problem's closer to home?
It's not about being perceived as geeky or having weird hobbies, we all have those, every human on this planet has something they're a little too into that most people aren't that interested in, but especially in the age of Marvel making multibillion dollar blockbusters multiple times a year that isn't a problem.
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
KalashnikovMarine wrote: Sure Hybrid, but that's more a "develop self esteem" (easy to say, harder to do) then taking the advice of a man who thinks this is a good hat...
What? What is that?
KalashnikovMarine wrote: Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally)
Okay, now that is a story that needs to be told!
Why were you not a good dude?
I do not intend to buy PUA books and I do not intend to ever lie about me to get girls, but your formulation was a bit… harsh. I guess I read it as “if you cannot pick up women (without using psychological tricks) it is a pretty clear sign that you suck”.
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
Wait, what!?? You're married!?
Also, I seem to have worked through my Tinder troubles, I just had to adjust the frame of reference from "Am I interested in dating you?" to "Do I find you at all remotely attractive and/or would I sleep with you." Unfortunately, the downside of this is that I now have a dozen or so matches that I really have no interest in whatsoever (which is again, odd, because I'm reasonably sure if I had met them at a bar I *might* be slightly more interested), but hey, its an ego boost
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
Wait, what!?? You're married!?
Also, I seem to have worked through my Tinder troubles, I just had to adjust the frame of reference from "Am I interested in dating you?" to "Do I find you at all remotely attractive and/or would I sleep with you." Unfortunately, the downside of this is that I now have a dozen or so matches that I really have no interest in whatsoever (which is again, odd, because I'm reasonably sure if I had met them at a bar I *might* be slightly more interested), but hey, its an ego boost
Seriously; Tinder works.
I managed to accidentally a girlfriend through Tinder last month.
Only the second date I've had from it as well.
chaos0xomega wrote: Keys to being more attractive... part your hair on the left... no really, i was reading a study yesterday that found that men who part their hair on the left are seen as more attractive, confident and masculine, while men who part it on the right are seen as weaker, more effeminate, and less confident. The same holds true for women (in other words, women who part their hair on the right are generally preferred over women who part it on the left).
I've parted my hair on the left my whole life, and I can't say it's been especially beneficial. However I have a fancy-dress wig that parts on the right and I've literally had girls run up to me on the street to tell me I look like someone they know, or someone famous, when I have worn it outside. One girl even tried to take off my jeans in a bar (and she wasn't just some random drunk either, she was the lead singer of the band that was playing). Though in fairness it is a pretty cool wig...
chaos0xomega wrote: Keys to being more attractive... part your hair on the left... no really, i was reading a study yesterday that found that men who part their hair on the left are seen as more attractive, confident and masculine, while men who part it on the right are seen as weaker, more effeminate, and less confident. The same holds true for women (in other words, women who part their hair on the right are generally preferred over women who part it on the left).
I've parted my hair on the left my whole life, and I can't say it's been especially beneficial. However I have a fancy-dress wig that parts on the right and I've literally had girls run up to me on the street to tell me I look like someone they know, or someone famous, when I have worn it outside. One girl even tried to take off my jeans in a bar (and she wasn't just some random drunk either, she was the lead singer of the band that was playing). Though in fairness it is a pretty cool wig...
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
Wait, what!?? You're married!?
Also, I seem to have worked through my Tinder troubles, I just had to adjust the frame of reference from "Am I interested in dating you?" to "Do I find you at all remotely attractive and/or would I sleep with you." Unfortunately, the downside of this is that I now have a dozen or so matches that I really have no interest in whatsoever (which is again, odd, because I'm reasonably sure if I had met them at a bar I *might* be slightly more interested), but hey, its an ego boost
There ya go!
Look at it this way: Would you want women to write you off for reasons X, Y, and Z? Probably not. Don't be so quick to write off some of these girls as people you wouldn't date. Who knows - maybe you'll chat it up with them and have an amazing conversation. You'll only know if you actually go and meet them in person...
No, probably not, but lookin at the girls I've matched with thus far, they're just 'meh' to me, not even interested enough to try chatting them up when I'm bored.
KalashnikovMarine wrote: Sure Hybrid, but that's more a "develop self esteem" (easy to say, harder to do) then taking the advice of a man who thinks this is a good hat...
Or espouses any form or format of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programing) the pseudoscience behind most PUA advice that is soundly bs if you ask actual shrinks.
I stand by my statement, if you're turning to subversion and tricks, especially ones prepackaged and sold to you by someone A. you're probably getting ripped off by the guy selling you the tricks and B. Isn't it more likely the problem's closer to home?
It's not about being perceived as geeky or having weird hobbies, we all have those, every human on this planet has something they're a little too into that most people aren't that interested in, but especially in the age of Marvel making multibillion dollar blockbusters multiple times a year that isn't a problem.
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
The darwin thing was a joke, and right now I see a lot of ad hominen. And the entire idea of posting it here was to work as a placebo for confidence without having the readers use pick up lines. Good job.
Ok, so I wanted to try that Tinder app to see what all the rage is about. So, since I only have a dumbphone, I figured I will use an Android emulator. After all, if it can run on a Linux running on a phone, it must be able to run on a Linux running on a laptop, right ? Well, it was not that easy, but after trying and trying and tinkering a lot, I finally managed to get Tinder working in an emulator. So, now I cannot use it without a Facebook account ? Okay, let us create a Facebook account. Hum, so now I cannot use it if I do not give my phone number? What is next, my fingerprint . I am currently wondering if trying it is worth giving away all those personal information to some random company. Will I receive tons of SMS spam ?
I haven't received any... dunno where the telephone number comes into play, maybe thats how they intend to track your location for distancing purposes (its a core function of the app, relax)... but really you dont have a facebook account? That still weirds me out when people don't... like hell, even my parents have accounts O.o
Yeah, I do not have a facebook account, and I do not have a smartphone either. What can I say, I am a Luddite .
Automatically Appended Next Post: Well, I gave my phone number, now it is stuck telling me to active geolocation, even though geolocation is activated. I knew this was not a good idea .
I really dont think youre missin out on much, it basically just shows you images of a girls in your area (or not, depending on your settings), some of whom may be attractive, some of whom are not, as well as displaying their first name and age (which isn't always accurate), shared interests and/or shared facebook friends (if any). If you're interested in them on some level you swipe right (or if you dont have a touch screen you click the heart), if not you swipe left (or click the x). If both of you said yes, then it 'matches' you and you're allowed to communicate with one another using their messaging app.
That basically sums it up, very simple and sleek, but the flaw is that there really is no (dis)incentive to say 'no' to someone, even if you're not interested in them, as a result you have users who basically say yes to every user they come across regardless of whether or not theyre interested, and thus break the fundamental principal on which its supposed to work (which is that it takes the guesswork out of the equation and lets you communicate with someone who has, on some level, an interest in you as well).
chaos0xomega wrote: it basically just shows you images of a girls in your area (or not, depending on your settings)
Where can I change that ? I mean, it is bugging me to see that stupid pop-up always come up, I somehow do not want to see all the effort I made to make it work go to waste!
chaos0xomega wrote: I really dont think youre missin out on much, it basically just shows you images of a girls in your area (or not, depending on your settings), some of whom may be attractive, some of whom are not, as well as displaying their first name and age (which isn't always accurate), shared interests and/or shared facebook friends (if any). If you're interested in them on some level you swipe right (or if you dont have a touch screen you click the heart), if not you swipe left (or click the x). If both of you said yes, then it 'matches' you and you're allowed to communicate with one another using their messaging app.
That basically sums it up, very simple and sleek, but the flaw is that there really is no (dis)incentive to say 'no' to someone, even if you're not interested in them, as a result you have users who basically say yes to every user they come across regardless of whether or not theyre interested, and thus break the fundamental principal on which its supposed to work (which is that it takes the guesswork out of the equation and lets you communicate with someone who has, on some level, an interest in you as well).
...except opportunities. 2/4 of the women I've slept with in the past 3 months have been from Tinder.
You might be overthinking it...you don't have the marry the girl. Meet her and see what she's like. You're going to possibly meet some weirdos on there, but that actually makes it kind of fun. The number of women you should be meeting should depend on your schedule, and play money you've got for dates. If neither of those are in short supply, then there really isn't any reason not to date around as much as possible. At the very least it's fun.
chaos0xomega wrote: it basically just shows you images of a girls in your area (or not, depending on your settings)
Where can I change that ? I mean, it is bugging me to see that stupid pop-up always come up, I somehow do not want to see all the effort I made to make it work go to waste!
Are you saying that you're getting pop-ups? Shouldn't happen with Tinder.
Tinder uses your phone's GPS to tell where you are. You don't really set the location but you can set a proximity. Maybe that's why it isn't working properly? Can you emulate GPS?
Yeah I cant really help you Hybrid, I have a smartphone :/ Have you tried googling it? I know others have emulated tinder on pc to varying degrees of success, you might be able to find a solution if you search for it.
Nuggz - I'm not going to waste my time (or for that matter theirs) if I'm not particularly interested. Lets put it this way, none of the matches I've got so far are the ones where I was like "oh cool, she's pretty and we're both into x, y, z, would love to meet her!" they're all in the 'eh, well if I was bored with nothing better to do and we were both horny I'd give her a few inches and never call her again' category... (to clarify: not really interested)
chaos0xomega wrote: Yeah I cant really help you Hybrid, I have a smartphone :/ Have you tried googling it? I know others have emulated tinder on pc to varying degrees of success, you might be able to find a solution if you search for it.
Nuggz - I'm not going to waste my time (or for that matter theirs) if I'm not particularly interested. Lets put it this way, none of the matches I've got so far are the ones where I was like "oh cool, she's pretty and we're both into x, y, z, would love to meet her!" they're all in the 'eh, well if I was bored with nothing better to do and we were both horny I'd give her a few inches and never call her again' category... (to clarify: not really interested)
Fair enough...it's not up to me to convince you, just saying that you might be surprised. A buddy of mine picked a girl up on Tinder...I thought she would be totally useless based on her pictures. When we were all hanging out her phone went off and her ringtone was the Zelda theme song. Turns out she's a huge gamer.
I checked, it is possible to fake it. So now I have some nice message telling me :
FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
I will check if I made some mistake with the coordinates.
chaos0xomega wrote: Yeah I cant really help you Hybrid, I have a smartphone :/ Have you tried googling it? I know others have emulated tinder on pc to varying degrees of success, you might be able to find a solution if you search for it.
Nuggz - I'm not going to waste my time (or for that matter theirs) if I'm not particularly interested. Lets put it this way, none of the matches I've got so far are the ones where I was like "oh cool, she's pretty and we're both into x, y, z, would love to meet her!" they're all in the 'eh, well if I was bored with nothing better to do and we were both horny I'd give her a few inches and never call her again' category... (to clarify: not really interested)
Fair enough...it's not up to me to convince you, just saying that you might be surprised. A buddy of mine picked a girl up on Tinder...I thought she would be totally useless based on her pictures. When we were all hanging out her phone went off and her ringtone was the Zelda theme song. Turns out she's a huge gamer.
I checked, it is possible to fake it. So now I have some nice message telling me :
FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
I will check if I made some mistake with the coordinates.
In before you accidentally set your coordinates to some former Soviet socialist republic and this pops up on your Tinder feed:
chaos0xomega wrote: Also, I suppose its just possible that Europeans dont use Tinder
They do. I know, a cousin showed me. Anyway, tried to use the geolocation on Google Maps, it does not work. Why? I have no freaking idea!
Automatically Appended Next Post: So, apparently, no matter which coordinate I send, the device thinks I am at coordinate that does not even exist. Okay.
Well, it seems I've now swiped everyone within 25 miles of my home and 16 miles of my office (which are basically the maximum distances I can do without getting results in NYC), either that or Tinder is holding out on me... so I guess... now I wait?
Personally I found my issues with women back in the day were internal, not my approach, not my hobbies, but me just generally not being a good dude. So instead of learning "game" or learning "tricks" I improved myself for me, physically, mentally and socially. Everything else followed from there. Hell I went from king of the dorks in high school to marrying a model. Sure she tried to kill me (literally) but feth man if I can do it I have full faith and confidence in any one else to get their own matrimonial murder attempt if they dig and push themselves.
Wait, what!?? You're married!?
Was married. She tried to kill me so I divorced here. (100% not kidding)
I'll get to the story behind that at some point, when I'm not at work.
chaos0xomega wrote: Yeah, especially now that Ukraine has a little Russian problem, I'd love to give some nice Ukrainian women a little bit of American 'freedom'... ;P
The Ukrainian women I spoke too, I would not be too worried about them. I would be worried about anyone trying to trouble them. Because sword to the balls .They were pretty atypical, though.
Meh, im gettin nowhere... i continue to be largely uninterested in my tinder matches, even ones that i was like "oh shes hot" and then i swipe and we match, im like... "meh, not my type" and go back to swiping
Avatar 720 wrote: Bit of an update from my side: I may have finally landed myself an appointment with a special someone.
An appointment? Is your special lady friend... on call shall we say?
Any way the short version was that I was a self centered donkey-cave in high school, like most teenagers really, but I was a true gak. Manners were atrocious, my interaction with other human beings outside my small social groups (one group of nerds and the crew I was a member of) were... poor to say the least. Standoffish, to say the least. It's not shocking girls didn't want much to do with me. Didn't hurt that I was carrying a few extra pounds. I nursed a bit of a grudge about it honestly and I would hazard that that didn't help me much either, going into any type of "sale" with the mindset that the person you're "selling" to is against you and you've lost from the get go (persecution complexes, not the fun guy to hang out with)
So part of the change was just growing up a little bit. A lot of the rest of it came from a talk from the grand master of my martial arts school, the jist of the long speech was to focus on self improvement, and instead of demanding people to want to be around you, make yourself a person people want to be around.
So I pretty much did that. I shaped up in more ways then one, got more social, kinda pulled my head out of my ass, worked on actually being funny instead of the more caustic end of snarky... about that time I enlisted, and had my first serious girlfriend, year or two and some serious running down the road I met my ex-wife and managed to hit it off with her. Paid attention to her, treated her well without demanding anything in return, didn't let her walk all over me or violate my own self respect either and it worked.
I'm not saying change who you are. Nor am I saying enlist in the Marines (seriously though Marine Dress Blues are like the konami code for women) what I am saying is be the best you you can possibly be, and don't let yourself get in the way of that you. Self confidence and everything else, including a girlfriend will follow.
As for how the ex-missus tried to kill me, turns out she was a psycho and tried to put a cast iron skillet through my skull.
Thanks for sharin KM, I can relate right up to the point about attempted murder lol.
As for meeting chicks... yea, I lack the social life and wingmen. Not to say I dont have a life, just not one conducive to meeting viable options. Tinder would, theoretically fix that, and in a way it would/could if I wasnt
A- Evidently extremely shallow and/or want only what I cant have
B - Ridiculously unphotogenic.
Daemonhammer wrote: Its mostly IRL for me, I don't really like to trust a website with my dating.
Alright, run me through with what you normally do when you talk to the ladies leading up to the point to where you ask for the number. If you're not even getting the number then you're doing something wrong. So allow me and your fellow dakkanauts to analyze what you do so we can try to identify the errors.
chaos0xomega wrote: Thanks for sharin KM, I can relate right up to the point about attempted murder lol.
As for meeting chicks... yea, I lack the social life and wingmen. Not to say I dont have a life, just not one conducive to meeting viable options. Tinder would, theoretically fix that, and in a way it would/could if I wasnt
A- Evidently extremely shallow and/or want only what I cant have
B - Ridiculously unphotogenic.
Ever consider that those Tinder matches probably have single friends?
I'm not saying go meet with girls with that in mind. But the simple truth is that possibilities and your dating network expand dramatically the more people you actually meet.
What would you tell a guy complaining that he doesn't meet many women simultaneously dismissing apparently attractive, available date possibilities? He's working against himself and the mindset has to change, right?
He's working against himself and the mindset has to change, right?
I DONT LIKE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But seriously, yes, thats entirely correct, but if the right girl came along I'd get on that ASAP. As for 'friends', I have a policy, don't dip the pen in the company ink... Meeting girls on Tinder to date their hotter friends is just... wrong.
A girl did hit me up and start a convo with me, unfortunately she's from about an hour south of me, and not quite hot enough for me to put the time, effort, and energy of exploring the possibility in, so I kinda let the convo die out.
Corpsesarefun wrote: I think you need to be a bit more realistic dude, not all women are supermodels.
Also sometimes you find girls in your life that you weren't initially attracted too but then they do something that makes them become sexier, so you're missing out on plenty of other girls if you just go for the ones you find good-looking from the get go.
Corpsesarefun wrote: I think you need to be a bit more realistic dude, not all women are supermodels.
Also sometimes you find girls in your life that you weren't initially attracted too but then they do something that makes them become sexier, so you're missing out on plenty of other girls if you just go for the ones you find good-looking from the get go.
Yes, this was the case with my past couple exes, it didn't end well for me, and as I look back at them, I realize that they were not at all worth the trouble they put me through. If I'm going to have my heart broken and/or be driven slightly insane by a woman, than they damned well better be attractive as hell
On the other hand, the distance factor is certainly a pretty big deal, for me at least.
The sense I got was less, 'she isn't hot enough for me' it was more.... 'If I get into a relationship with her, having to travel an hour (which would probably be talking about £60 per visit to even get there and back, if it was me, theoretically), to see her, it's not really a viable cost/benefit analysis to me. On the other hand, if it was travelling that far to meet say Kate Upton / other-super-attractive-person, I'd probably go for it.
Its more like its an hour drive (without NJ traffic which is both hazardous to your health and extremely frustrating) to a part of the state that I never go to (unfortunately) because all my friends, families, and hangouts, plus my job, are the opposite way. Just too much of a hassle. On top of that the gas would cost me about $20 per round-trip, which is fine, unless you multiply it out over time... so, shed have to be pretty damned amazing to warrant that amount of effort from me, and while I did enjoy our conversation about Hipster Hitler, there wasn't much there to prompt me into considering anything further.
Out of curiosity, how many matches are you guys managing per day? I have 27 since sunday evening (and have seemingly swiped the majority of the area), so about 6-7 per, and if I had to guess, about 1% match rate.
So far? None, which is about what I'm looking for. (It's also probably due to the fact that I've only had it for a few hours.)
Though I did come across someone I used to sit next to in a few high school classes. Seeing friends of friends is weird enough without it suggesting people you personally knew.
Some of the people I know from HS and have on Facebook really seem to get around going by how many shared friends keep popping up.
I'm not taking it totally seriously though; it's just something to pass the time whilst I'm bored or sitting on the toilet.
"Hey beautiful, I came across you while pooping."
Seriously though! Tinder makes a poop absolutely fly by...
Sorry, I've been a bit quiet of late, chaps. I've been getting on with what essentially is the purpose of this thread... Dating! Mixed bag, tbh, but it appears I've met someone that I might quite like to be my girlfriend. Not by accident this time.
Some of the people I know from HS and have on Facebook really seem to get around going by how many shared friends keep popping up.
I'm not taking it totally seriously though; it's just something to pass the time whilst I'm bored or sitting on the toilet.
"Hey beautiful, I came across you while pooping."
Seriously though! Tinder makes a poop absolutely fly by...
Sorry, I've been a bit quiet of late, chaps. I've been getting on with what essentially is the purpose of this thread... Dating! Mixed bag, tbh, but it appears I've met someone that I might quite like to be my girlfriend. Not by accident this time.
I met her whilst pooping.
Still a better love story than twilight
Automatically Appended Next Post: Blarg, the one match on Tinder I *really* wanted to meet is just visiting NYC for the weekend from Indiana/Illinois *shudder* Besides the fact that nothing good comes from Illinois, I'm also too busy this weekend >.<
KalashnikovMarine wrote: General advice: If you like a chick, tell her. Worst she can say is no.
Oh hell no.
You never tell a girl you like her or anything like that. That is like a spoiler at the end of a movie and completely kills all the mood. You have to keep her guessing. If she asks, you don't give her a straight answer and you have to tease her. Say something like.. "well.. i'm giving you a chance. if you are a good girl I might take you for ice cream later". That kind of response completely ignores her question and teases the gak out of her. You don't put her on a pedestal or she will lose interest. She needs to be actively pursuing you, not the other way around. That is how you get her to bend over backwards to please you. If she wants you to do the same for her, she needs to earn it.
I disagree with everything you just said, on the grounds that it is immature, juvenile, and misogynistic. Protip - if you think a good relationship involves one or the other party constantly pursuing the other and bending over backwards for the other, then you're not going to ever have a good relationship.
In other news, might need to quit tinder for a while... I've used 60% of my monthly data allowance on Tinder alone... it hasn't even been a week...
KalashnikovMarine wrote: General advice: If you like a chick, tell her. Worst she can say is no.
Oh hell no.
You never tell a girl you like her or anything like that. That is like a spoiler at the end of a movie and completely kills all the mood. You have to keep her guessing. If she asks, you don't give her a straight answer and you have to tease her. Say something like.. "well.. i'm giving you a chance. if you are a good girl I might take you for ice cream later". That kind of response completely ignores her question and teases the gak out of her. You don't put her on a pedestal or she will lose interest. She needs to be actively pursuing you, not the other way around. That is how you get her to bend over backwards to please you. If she wants you to do the same for her, she needs to earn it.
This is so very far from the truth that it hurts to read it.
That was cringeworthy. Like, a lot. I do not want someone to bend over backward to please me. And it would not please me if done like that anyway, I think. I want someone to enjoy being with me.
I dunno bout y'all, but what I look for in a partner is... well, a partner. An equal. Why would I date someone who exists only to serve me? That would make them my lesser, wouldn't it? Why would I waste my time with a lesser person? You should only ever aspire to have people that are your equals or better around you, a lesser will only drag you down.
Disagreed, though I recognize that my phrasing is problematic, if not borderline psychotic, but I'm at work and trying to not to get yelled at for not doing anything
It also helps if you know me and that I view all people as equals
You clearly do not view all people as equals if you regularly reject people for not being attractive enough to bother with. Besides, "don't associate with lessers" would be even more nonsensical if you don't believe anyone is lesser.
chaos0xomega wrote: I dunno bout y'all, but what I look for in a partner is... well, a partner. An equal. Why would I date someone who exists only to serve me? That would make them my lesser, wouldn't it? Why would I waste my time with a lesser person? You should only ever aspire to have people that are your equals or better around you, a lesser will only drag you down.
You don't understand the psychology of women. If you are having trouble finding a date, it's more likely an issue of self esteem and you need a little help in that department. You are either a catch or not. That is 100% mental on your part. Women don't want a guy to throw themselves at them and put them on a pedestal. Trust me, I'm married with 2 kids and my wife and I have a very healthy relationship. Being able to tease someone and be able to take the reciprocation is very important.
Once you have established a relationship where someone thinks highly of you, it's up to you on whether or not you abuse it. I do not advocate treating a woman as someone who is lesser. This is a discussion about how to get a date, not how to beg with women to go out with you. It's the game of flirting. You can be a challenge to a woman (which makes you attractive) and still treat her with respect. There is a major difference between dominating someone and flirting.
Women don't want to have sex with people who they aren't attracted to and it's your job to be attractive to them. It's not just physical appearance but your attitude and confidence in yourself. Like I said, if you are posting on this thread it's not because you are exactly a ladies man. It took me a while to figure out the way the game is actually played because western culture demonizes being masculine.
He's working against himself and the mindset has to change, right?
I DONT LIKE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But seriously, yes, thats entirely correct, but if the right girl came along I'd get on that ASAP. As for 'friends', I have a policy, don't dip the pen in the company ink... Meeting girls on Tinder to date their hotter friends is just... wrong.
A girl did hit me up and start a convo with me, unfortunately she's from about an hour south of me, and not quite hot enough for me to put the time, effort, and energy of exploring the possibility in, so I kinda let the convo die out.
Well, you still don't seem to understand what I'm saying about actually meeting people and expanding your network.
IMO, there's some correlation between your mindset and your success level. You seem overly focused on the idea that you can only even meet people whom you think will be "the one." The reality is that at your age you probably don't even have a true idea of what you really need and want from "the one." You tend to find that out by meeting and dating a certain volume of people. It's a process.
And IMO you seem overly hung up on looks, because I didn't say or imply "Meeting girls on Tinder to date their hotter friends". The point is to meet females and open up possibilities. In some cases, you might not make a connection, but she might think you a better match for one of her friends. If you're a likeable, dateable dude, female will hook a sista (and therefore you) up. It does happen. But you have to put yourself out there to make that happen.
I'm not sure that any of these attitudes you show are unusual for a young guy. But the point of this thread is for us older guys with more experience with females to share some wisdom, right?
Corpsesarefun wrote: You clearly do not view all people as equals if you regularly reject people for not being attractive enough to bother with. Besides, "don't associate with lessers" would be even more nonsensical if you don't believe anyone is lesser.
False.
First, attraction is purely subjective and has nothing to do with ones standing, its merely a function as to whether or not someones physical and/or mental qualities excite some feeling in me, whether it be evolutionary or societally conditioned.
As for it being a nonsensical statement, yes that was kind of the point. If you're taking the viewpoint that a woman should bend over backwards for you then you're screwed up, because that would require them to be of some lower status than you, etc. which they aren't.
You can be a challenge to a woman (which makes you attractive) and still treat her with respect.
Yeah that 'challenge' thing is a load of gamey bs that some guy who calls himself 'doc love' advocates so he can convince clueless guys to buy his book and learn 'the system.'
Women don't want to have sex with people who they aren't attracted to and it's your job to be attractive to them.
This is correct. However, that doesn't mean you have to play a game (which is what the rest of this paragraph seems to advocate), make yourself a 'challenge' or whatever. Its entirely possible to treat someone with respect and be confident without making them 'bend over backwards to please you'.
You seem overly focused on the idea that you can only even meet people whom you think will be "the one."
Its not about being 'the one', its about what I'm attracted to and the type of girl I'm interested in, not quite sure how to describe them... except to maybe say Brooklyn is evidently full of them, except that I automatically hate everything about Brooklyn
There is a one, its right after zero and right before two
But seriously, again, not looking for 'the one', way I see it is even if I'm only compatible with 1% of the women out there, there are still about 35 million women out there that I would be a good match with.
Well gents, I think I have failed as a man, I think you get my deck of man cards now, yes?
Explanation: So, this weekend was Steampunk Worlds Fair, yours truly went dressed as such: http://tribwphl.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/steam-punk-worlds-fair-051714-0137.jpg (I'm the dude in the dive suit). So, while stomping around outside (in fact, I believe it was shortly before or after this photo was taken) I was approached by two lovely young ladies for a photo, after the photos were taken, I couldn't help but notice that one of the ladies, who was a redhead (so instant attraction x1 million for me) was rather... drop dead gorgeous. Sadly, wearing the helmet makes it impossible for me to communicate with anyone, so I really couldn't do much, and there was basically a gagglefuck of people lined up to take photos of/with me, so I let it slide (Because my group wanted to move the hell on).
Anyway, a few hours pass, and we're getting lunch outside in a courtyard, I'm slightly dressed down (helmet/gloves/boots off) relaxing a little bit and getting some much needed water in me, when I notice the girl at the other end of the courtyard, I had an internal struggle about whether or not i wanted to hobble over (you try walking around in that costume for even an hour and you'll see what I mean, I can barely move today after a full day of wearing it... totally worth it btw) and talk to her... that discussion was quickly quashed as she sat down at a table with her friends (and what I would later learn family). I have a rule, don't approach a woman solo when in the presence of other guys. If they want to spit their game, let them, I've 'fought over' women before with other guys, not my thing anymore. Anyway, I soon forgot about the girl and was distracted by other goings on. At some point, probably about an hour after I noticed her, I went to relieve myself in the restroom (don't ask how, it was a rather arduous process to do so wearing that thing). As I walked back outside, I stopped next to the door and bent over to adjust my boots, as the legs of my jumpsuit had come untucked from the dive boots. As I was retucking and relacing, a woman who was seated a few feet away from me having a smoke and enjoying a drink started speaking to me, commenting on how exhausted I looked and how it might be easier if I had a seat. I somewhat protested slightly, but then she commented "Darling, you really should sit down and take a load off while you relace those, you can stand back up when you're ready to tuck the legs in." Unable to argue with the logic of that statement, nor with any woman who has ever referred to me as 'darling' pretty much ever, I complied.
So I sat down next to her and went back to work, and struck up a bit of a conversation with her regarding my costume and how I put it together (she was very impressed, especially in regards to the boots). She had just commented about how I was some sort of genius because of how well put my dive boots turned out (seriously, they look very much like the real thing), when she suddenly asked "Is this your girlfriend?" Being hunched over focused on my boots, I was like "Huh?" and I looked up... sure enough this girl was standing there... still not entirely sure why... looking like an absolute angel sent down from heaven, and I was instantly flustered and confused and like "Ummm... Uhhh... no?" (all the while debating internally if I should respond with "I wish." The woman replied "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything, you two just look like you were together." I'm still rather mystified by this statement, as I have no reason why that would be the conclusion drawn from having a girl standing in the general vicinity of me (seriously she was like 3-5 feet away from me). But then it got weirder, because while I'm trying to figure out wtf is going on and how to use this to my benefit, she tells the girl that she is very beautiful etc. The girl reacted by saying "Oh thank you" and got nervous/embarassed and covered her mouth to hide the laughter. Then the woman told her not to cover her mouth when someone tells her that shes beautiful because it shows a lack of confidence and inner strength and that she's too pretty to be sending out those kinds of signals, etc... and then it got even weirder because then she went like... psychic fortune teller and was like "You're having some family issues aren't you? Your father is going through some stuff." And the girl got somewhat flustered and was like "Everyone goes through some stuff once in a while... How do you know?" and she replied with "I just know things. Don't worry, its just a passing thing, things will get better." Then the girls mother, little brother, and her friend came over and the woman started speaking to them, and from the general gist of the conversation I got was that she was basically friggin reading all of their minds and histories. At this point I was done fixing myself up, almost shut out of the convo (the woman passed me a bottle of water and asked to see the palm of my hand at one point, but I wasn't really "involved' otherwise), and didn't really feel I should stick around since they were discussing more personal matters that weren't for me, and on top of that my group was moving on and getting impatient, so I walked off... I know, had an opportunity, didn't take it... it gets worse...
Fast forward another 6 hours, I'm dead tired, barely able to move anymore, still in costume, being led around from shop to shop (which I pretty much cannot enter due to the costume and confined spaces within the hotel rooms that they have set up in), leaning up against stuff to try to rest and conserve what little energy I have left. I notice the girl happens to walk past, I was about to say something, but then I noticed that theres a guy with her, seemingly spitting some game (though she didn't look too terribly interested). I thought about cutting in, but like I said, I have some rules I live by, so I just kinda wished the other dude luck in my head and ignored it. At some point one of my friends helps me remove the helmet and some of my gear so I can stretch out a bit and relax since we're mostly standing around in one area while waiting, she walks by again, this time alone and she sees me and says "Hello again" and smiles and waves, and I was so tired all I could really manage was "Oh hey, whats up?" She started to answer but then her friend poked her head out from behind a rack of some stuff and called her over to show her something, and I basically gave up on trying to salvage anything of it, and the rest of my group showed up and we wandered off again.
I'm kicking myself so hard about this right now, and hoping that by some luck the photo she took with me ends up online somewhere so I can track her down and get in contact with her... maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, I don't believe in fate, but to me it seems like the universe was throwing me a bone and setting me up for a great opportunity, giving me the chocie of how I wanted to handle it... and I totally fethed it up...
It might be the fact that it's 5am, but even I struggled to untangle what happened there, but it sounds less like you were being thrown opportunities and more like the universe was teasing you - although that could be my cynicism talking. All of the 'opportunities' you got were at points where you were pretty much already inconvenienced, and going off what you said, you never really had much a choice to make. You had 'chances' that would required you to butt in, others where you were sidelined before you could make sense of the situation, and another when you had already spent more hours tramping around in a diving suit than most people spend going around in tailored suits.
The only real opportunity you had was right at the end whilst out shopping, but by that time you were already dead on your feet and you can't blame yourself for not being able to react to the situation as quickly as you'd have liked - how many people have lightning reactions after spending hours on their feet in a diving suit?
It might look like you messed up to you, but to me it looks like you had a load of false chances, and one last one that couldn't have come at a worse time. So feth it; crack open a cold one and dare the universe to throw another redhead at you, because you sure as hell won't be wearing a diving suit next time.
Tinder update: Bugger all has happened. This both annoys and pleases me.
?
Annoying because when I think about how quickly I can sort through the matches, having so many other women doing the same must yield at least a small number of results - mainly just so I have something to show for my 'effort' . Pleasing because I don't have to deal with anything.
If I was more serious about it then I might be discouraged, but it's proven to be an interesting experience nonetheless. I mentioned before that I have my own gak to sort out before I can really start going looking for companionship, so it's far from the end of the world.
I still don't get how I have no real matches when I'm obviously so damn attractive. ¬.¬
chaos0xomega wrote: Well gents, I think I have failed as a man, I think you get my deck of man cards now, yes?
Explanation: So, this weekend was Steampunk Worlds Fair, yours truly went dressed as such: http://tribwphl.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/steam-punk-worlds-fair-051714-0137.jpg (I'm the dude in the dive suit). So, while stomping around outside (in fact, I believe it was shortly before or after this photo was taken) I was approached by two lovely young ladies for a photo, after the photos were taken, I couldn't help but notice that one of the ladies, who was a redhead (so instant attraction x1 million for me) was rather... drop dead gorgeous. Sadly, wearing the helmet makes it impossible for me to communicate with anyone, so I really couldn't do much, and there was basically a gagglefuck of people lined up to take photos of/with me, so I let it slide (Because my group wanted to move the hell on).
Anyway, a few hours pass, and we're getting lunch outside in a courtyard, I'm slightly dressed down (helmet/gloves/boots off) relaxing a little bit and getting some much needed water in me, when I notice the girl at the other end of the courtyard, I had an internal struggle about whether or not i wanted to hobble over (you try walking around in that costume for even an hour and you'll see what I mean, I can barely move today after a full day of wearing it... totally worth it btw) and talk to her... that discussion was quickly quashed as she sat down at a table with her friends (and what I would later learn family). I have a rule, don't approach a woman solo when in the presence of other guys. If they want to spit their game, let them, I've 'fought over' women before with other guys, not my thing anymore. Anyway, I soon forgot about the girl and was distracted by other goings on. At some point, probably about an hour after I noticed her, I went to relieve myself in the restroom (don't ask how, it was a rather arduous process to do so wearing that thing). As I walked back outside, I stopped next to the door and bent over to adjust my boots, as the legs of my jumpsuit had come untucked from the dive boots. As I was retucking and relacing, a woman who was seated a few feet away from me having a smoke and enjoying a drink started speaking to me, commenting on how exhausted I looked and how it might be easier if I had a seat. I somewhat protested slightly, but then she commented "Darling, you really should sit down and take a load off while you relace those, you can stand back up when you're ready to tuck the legs in." Unable to argue with the logic of that statement, nor with any woman who has ever referred to me as 'darling' pretty much ever, I complied.
So I sat down next to her and went back to work, and struck up a bit of a conversation with her regarding my costume and how I put it together (she was very impressed, especially in regards to the boots). She had just commented about how I was some sort of genius because of how well put my dive boots turned out (seriously, they look very much like the real thing), when she suddenly asked "Is this your girlfriend?" Being hunched over focused on my boots, I was like "Huh?" and I looked up... sure enough this girl was standing there... still not entirely sure why... looking like an absolute angel sent down from heaven, and I was instantly flustered and confused and like "Ummm... Uhhh... no?" (all the while debating internally if I should respond with "I wish." The woman replied "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything, you two just look like you were together." I'm still rather mystified by this statement, as I have no reason why that would be the conclusion drawn from having a girl standing in the general vicinity of me (seriously she was like 3-5 feet away from me). But then it got weirder, because while I'm trying to figure out wtf is going on and how to use this to my benefit, she tells the girl that she is very beautiful etc. The girl reacted by saying "Oh thank you" and got nervous/embarassed and covered her mouth to hide the laughter. Then the woman told her not to cover her mouth when someone tells her that shes beautiful because it shows a lack of confidence and inner strength and that she's too pretty to be sending out those kinds of signals, etc... and then it got even weirder because then she went like... psychic fortune teller and was like "You're having some family issues aren't you? Your father is going through some stuff." And the girl got somewhat flustered and was like "Everyone goes through some stuff once in a while... How do you know?" and she replied with "I just know things. Don't worry, its just a passing thing, things will get better." Then the girls mother, little brother, and her friend came over and the woman started speaking to them, and from the general gist of the conversation I got was that she was basically friggin reading all of their minds and histories. At this point I was done fixing myself up, almost shut out of the convo (the woman passed me a bottle of water and asked to see the palm of my hand at one point, but I wasn't really "involved' otherwise), and didn't really feel I should stick around since they were discussing more personal matters that weren't for me, and on top of that my group was moving on and getting impatient, so I walked off... I know, had an opportunity, didn't take it... it gets worse...
Fast forward another 6 hours, I'm dead tired, barely able to move anymore, still in costume, being led around from shop to shop (which I pretty much cannot enter due to the costume and confined spaces within the hotel rooms that they have set up in), leaning up against stuff to try to rest and conserve what little energy I have left. I notice the girl happens to walk past, I was about to say something, but then I noticed that theres a guy with her, seemingly spitting some game (though she didn't look too terribly interested). I thought about cutting in, but like I said, I have some rules I live by, so I just kinda wished the other dude luck in my head and ignored it. At some point one of my friends helps me remove the helmet and some of my gear so I can stretch out a bit and relax since we're mostly standing around in one area while waiting, she walks by again, this time alone and she sees me and says "Hello again" and smiles and waves, and I was so tired all I could really manage was "Oh hey, whats up?" She started to answer but then her friend poked her head out from behind a rack of some stuff and called her over to show her something, and I basically gave up on trying to salvage anything of it, and the rest of my group showed up and we wandered off again.
I'm kicking myself so hard about this right now, and hoping that by some luck the photo she took with me ends up online somewhere so I can track her down and get in contact with her... maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, I don't believe in fate, but to me it seems like the universe was throwing me a bone and setting me up for a great opportunity, giving me the choice of how I wanted to handle it... and I totally fethed it up...
Ouch. First off, never hesitate to ditch your friends to pursue a possibe romance. If they can't handle that or somehow don't back you up - chances are they weren't your friends to begin with. Second, you need to rethink your 'rule' about never talking to a girl if someone else is talking to her. If a girl is worth being around then there is a good chance that at any given moment some dude is going to be hitting on her. You are surrendering the initiative, and basically saying to yourself that any dude with even the slightest ambition is more worthy of being with that woman than you. horsegak.
Thirdly, fatigue is in the mind. Willpower. Overcome that tiredness.
Oh yeah, and first rule of Cosplay - if you are single, never ever wear a mask. It's like shooting yourself in the foot. No matter how cool your cosplay is, hiding your face just hamstrings your interactions with the opposite gender. Unless you are a girl.
Well, had I actually told my friends what was up they would have been more patient, but I kinda kept it to myself, they yelled at me about it afterwards already :/
As for my rule, its not about some other dude being more worthy, its more about me being "worth too much" to find myself entangled in yet another clusterfeth situation. I'm fine waiting my turn, I figure 9 times out of 10 the other dude is going to fail anyway, and I'm ore than capable of holding my own if someone else tries interrupting.
Also, you walk around for 14 hour wearing a 20+ lb poorly ventilated diving helmet and poorly fit 10+ lb boots (each, with no padding/support and a few screws invading in your toes personal space) on less than 4 hours of sleep over the previous two nights and THEN tell me that fatigue is all in the mind. The fact that I was still standing at the end of the night is testament to the fact that I DID overcome the tiredness, it doesn't mean that my ability to process information was at its peak.
Otherwise, yeah, the first rule of cosplay is probably a pretty good one... it got me lots of attention, and I did interact with her a little bit without the helmet on, just the timing wasn't necessarily ideal when that occurred.
Oh, I also forgot to mention that I DID manage to get her name... which by the end of the night (really the next morning, as I'm pretty sure I still remembered it when I went to sleep) I had forgotten entirely >.< I keep racking my mind to try to recall it but can't.
The girl and I managed to get in contact with one another (pretty much by accident on the facebook group for the event)... she has a boyfriend (or at least it seems as such)... -___-
feth you universe. feth you and your misleading ways.
The girl and I managed to get in contact with one another (pretty much by accident on the facebook group for the event)... she has a boyfriend (or at least it seems as such)... -___-
feth you universe. feth you and your misleading ways.
Take a dump on his lawn whilst staring him in the eye the whole time. Establish dominance.
Oh errr... she also lives like 2 hours away near Philadelphia, so I suppose its a moot point regardless, not that i care much for matters such as distance or anything, just too much of a hassle to get involved in a situation like this.
The girl and I managed to get in contact with one another (pretty much by accident on the facebook group for the event)... she has a boyfriend (or at least it seems as such)... -___-
feth you universe. feth you and your misleading ways.
Take a dump on his lawn whilst staring him in the eye the whole time. Establish dominance.
I almost hit the triangle instead of exalt on this post by accident. Good advice.
chaos0xomega wrote: Oh errr... she also lives like 2 hours away near Philadelphia, so I suppose its a moot point regardless, not that i care much for matters such as distance or anything, just too much of a hassle to get involved in a situation like this.
Are you sure you have found all the possible reasons for not trying to pick her up? You list about 8 reasons why not in your last 3 posts. Seems like you are trying hard to find a reason not to - I'm not good at picking up women but it really struck me reading your initial cosplay post how many times you found some reason not to try.
Also there is no line, if you wait your "turn" (there is also no turn) you will miss out.
Dunno man it just seems like you are sabotaging yourself and by your friends reaction, I'd say they think so too.
Dude.. she lives 2 hours away and has a boyfriend.. Next
You've met this girl one time and she was able to prove herself worthy of a long distance relationship? Are you really that desperate?
Let's say you "win" and steal this girl away. Then what? You are going to in a committed relationship with a girl that lives 2 hours away. Why would you trust that this girl would be faithful to you when she has already cheated on another guy to be with you?
In all honesty.. I've seen guys try to rationalize this kind of behavior before and ever single time i've seen it backfire. Even after kids are involved, i've seen that kind of woman leave her husband for another man.
It *seems* she has a boyfriend, I have no solid confirmation one way or another. And by 'giving it a shot' I mean I'm talking to her, theres no harm in talking (im also talking to another girl from Tinder simultaneously who *isnt* 2 hours away, so its not like all my eggs are in one basket) just to see where it goes. She is seemingly pretty cool... though again, she might be kinda crazy.
KM, I am currently hunched over my desk pinching my nose and covering my mouth with one hand so as to not die laughing and call attention to myself from the rest of the office, well played....
and yeah, 2 hours is a good bit more durable than previous long distance relationships ive been involved in(which were 3-4 hours).
I'm on the fence about it... I mean, my ideal woman IS Harley Quinn, but I've dated enough women that could be and/or are diagnosable with some mental condition or another to know that it typically doesn't end well for me....
There is a certain type of crazy (lets call it 'eccentricity') that I appreciate, desire, and enjoy, but then theres just 'crazy' (as in, possibly hazardous to your health type crazy, like, KM's ex-wife who tried to kill him kind of crazy), and the two are often hard to separate and categorize because on the surface they are often very similar, its once you get to know them that the differences become apparent. I enjoy stability... and I've dated way too many unstable people for my own liking.
Personally, I think you have to figure out what the hell you really want.
On one hand you seem to want a stable relationship. On the other you get attracted to particular looks/appearances, crazy chicks and these long shots/unattainable women that realistically aren't going to work out for you.
You're a young guy...it's okay not to have everything figured out yet. Most guys have probably been through that in some way or another. But then accept that, go have fun with those crazy chicks, and don't get too fixated. OR, if you decide that the time is right for something more stable, then pursue less crazy females with whom that's a realistic possibility. I'm presenting this in an overly binary/either-or kind of way, but overall it just doesn't seem like your desires and actions are in any kind of alignment.
This is part of what guys have said here about getting yourself right. People can give you the best advice in the world, but you're going to have some struggles if you want one thing but pursue another.
I see it differently, I want one thing, and am pursuing one thing, its just that the one thing I want/am pursuing is seemingly rare and not easy to 'confirm' until you've had a chance to explore it for long enough so that you could make the determination one way or another as to whether or not it is in fact that one thing, or if its simply something else masquerading as that one thing... if that makes sense.
The two qualities that you listed (looks and stability) are not by any means mutually exclusive.
Let's look at the current situation. You claim you want a relationship, so you're fixating a bit on some girl who might be crazy, probably has a boyfriend and lives in another city. And that's because she fits your desired look, never mind that you barely even talked to her. This adds up to relationship material to you?
When you say 'relationship', do you really mean 'feth buddy' or something?
I'm talking to another girl simultaneously (which right now doesn't seem to be going anywhere except in circles), didn't realize I was fixating... news to me.
who might be crazy
This might be accurate, or I might still be feeling the burn of the last two girls who I dated who WERE crazy and have given me rather severe trust issues... but you know, I could always just assume that EVERY girl I meet is crazy and remain single for the rest of my life.
probably has a boyfriend
Theres only one way to find out for sure and it *isn't* by just sitting around waiting for something magical to happen.
and lives in another city
LOL, for real dude? I didn't realize that was a barrier to dating, in that case I probably will remain single forever, considering that I spend very little time in the 'city' that I live in aside from the roughly 6 hours of sleep I get every night. On top of that, the 'city' I live in has a meager population of 20,000 people, only about 10% of which are within my age rage, and whom, for the most part, also spend little to no time in due to the lack of any place to socialize, etc.
And that's because she fits your desired look
Actually not really. I mean she's a redhead (though I dont think its natural) which is always a plus for me, but otherwise she doesn't seem to have anything in the way of piercings or tattoos that I could see, and while she is physically fit and has a nice body, etc. she doesn't really have any of them curves that I love so much... what she does have though (physically speaking) is a pretty face and some amazingly beautiful eyes.
never mind that you barely even talked to her.
What little I have learned of her in the brief conversations we've had tell me that she's pretty cool (and again, potentially crazy), but again, I have to say "LOL" because if barely having spoken to someone is a disqualifier to dating, then well I guess I'm never going to date anyone considering I've never spoken to 99% of the people on this planet.
This adds up to relationship material to you?
No. What it does add up to is another person worth getting to know so I can make that determination at a later date. Is that such a hard concept for you to wrap your mind around?
When you say 'relationship', do you really mean 'feth buddy' or something?
gorgon wrote: No, it really doesn't make any sense to me.
Let's look at the current situation. You claim you want a relationship, so you're fixating a bit on some girl who might be crazy, probably has a boyfriend and lives in another city. And that's because she fits your desired look, never mind that you barely even talked to her. This adds up to relationship material to you?
When you say 'relationship', do you really mean 'feth buddy' or something?
She said hi to him and they had some small talk.. when is he going to go to Jarred?
Y'all really need to figure out what advice it is you're giving. You're telling me to talk to people, etc. and then when I DO actually talk to them you tell me not to??
Living in another city is most certainly a barrier to dating. It actually indicates you don't want someone close.
Dude.. you are also using tinder to supposedly find a girl you want a relationship with? Tinder is for casual sex, not women looking for a relationship.
If you want to have an athletic girl. go to a yoga class or a gym.
If you want a girl who likes to dance, take dance classes.
If you want a girl who likes to meet stranger online and feth them. Use tinder.
Not ever woman out there is mentally stable. Even the mentally stable ones have their moments. I highly recommend finding someone who has their gak together.
chaos0xomega wrote: Y'all really need to figure out what advice it is you're giving. You're telling me to talk to people, etc. and then when I DO actually talk to them you tell me not to??
dude.. definitely talk and be friends with lots of different women. Just don't put her up on a pedestal and try and have a relationship with her after a single encounter. Don't start a long distance relationship or even think about it at this point. Even if she is a cool girl, there is practically zero chance anything comes of this.
I don't know how old you are but I think the #1 thing you need right now is experience. Have fun and do not get tied down. Avoid getting tied down unless the girl has actually shown she is worth it. Giving you attention shouldn't be the measuring stick.
The only part of that post that I agree with is the 'highly recommend finding someone who has their gak together'.
Where do you live exactly? My guess is probably somewhere like NYC, LA, or another large metro area teaming with hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, and your means of transportation outside of said city are costly and time consuming. For a large part of the country, New Jersey included, dating someone who lives in another city (you keep using that term, you know people live in places OTHER THAN CITIES, right?) is actually the norm.
And while Tinder is commonly used for hookups, I know at least 2 couples that resulted from Tinder... granted I know about 5 people who just use it for casual sex, but you're making some pretty sweeping stereotypes there.
dude.. definitely talk and be friends with lots of different women. Just don't put her up on a pedestal and try and have a relationship with her after a single encounter. Don't start a long distance relationship or even think about it at this point. Even if she is a cool girl, there is practically zero chance anything comes of this.
I don't know how old you are but I think the #1 thing you need right now is experience. Have fun and do not get tied down. Avoid getting tied down unless the girl has actually shown she is worth it. Giving you attention shouldn't be the measuring stick.
Oh hallelujah, you finally made a post that I could actually agree with.
Something I learned over the years which I wish I would have known much, much earlier:
If you are on friendly terms with a single girl, and you ask her out for a date, 8 times out of 10, she will say yes. Of the 2 remaining, 1 will let you down nicely, and the other will be mean about it.
Um, did everyone miss the part where I said I'm in a relationship with a girl I met on tinder? People are individuals. Not everyone using that app is looking for random hook-ups..
Albatross wrote: Um, did everyone miss the part where I said I'm in a relationship with a girl I met on tinder? People are individuals. Not everyone using that app is looking for random hook-ups..
Oh? how many guys have you met off there?
It's for hooking up, not making friends.
You can eat icecream with a knife but don't say no one told you not to when you cut yourself.
Here is something I was thinking about. The "Already have a boyfriend" line.
Doesn't it make sense that many people who are people you want ot date other people will also want to date? Shouldn't they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Easy E wrote: Here is something I was thinking about. The "Already have a boyfriend" line.
Doesn't it make sense that many people who are people you want ot date other people will also want to date? Shouldn't they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Well, then what do you do?
Take it one step at a time. Meet someone and take them out for coffee (yes i do mean a casual non-meal) you are trying to get to know them. At that point you are interviewing that person. If there are certain things that are non-negotiable, probably best to figure out where they stand on those matters. Not petty stuff.. I'd avoid the marriage/children talk but things like drug use and basic beliefs need to be discovered. Goals in life etc. If she brings up kids and you don't want them, say so. Try not to make it seem like and interview but ultimately that should be the goal. Steer the conversation so it stays fun and not too serious.
If you go out on a couple dates and things are clicking, you might start talking about exclusivity. For me.. I was willing to mess around go to third while dating. Once we got to the point where we could potentially risk pregnancy, I made sure we were in a committed relationship. We spoke about birth control and I flat out said that I wouldn't risk it unless I knew I was the only guy. Never once did that fail.
The main thing is you don't need to be thinking about "the other guy" and focus on you and her.
Easy E wrote: Here is something I was thinking about. The "Already have a boyfriend" line.
Doesn't it make sense that many people who are people you want ot date other people will also want to date? Shouldn't they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Well, then what do you do?
Take it one step at a time. Meet someone and take them out for coffee (yes i do mean a casual non-meal) you are trying to get to know them. At that point you are interviewing that person. If there are certain things that are non-negotiable, probably best to figure out where they stand on those matters. Not petty stuff.. I'd avoid the marriage/children talk but things like drug use and basic beliefs need to be discovered. Goals in life etc. If she brings up kids and you don't want them, say so. Try not to make it seem like and interview but ultimately that should be the goal. Steer the conversation so it stays fun and not too serious.
If you go out on a couple dates and things are clicking, you might start talking about exclusivity. For me.. I was willing to mess around go to third while dating. Once we got to the point where we could potentially risk pregnancy, I made sure we were in a committed relationship. We spoke about birth control and I flat out said that I wouldn't risk it unless I knew I was the only guy. Never once did that fail.
The main thing is you don't need to be thinking about "the other guy" and focus on you and her.
See sometimes you give this really great valid advice, like in this post!
Albatross wrote: Um, did everyone miss the part where I said I'm in a relationship with a girl I met on tinder? People are individuals. Not everyone using that app is looking for random hook-ups..
Oh? how many guys have you met off there?
It's for hooking up, not making friends.
You can eat icecream with a knife but don't say no one told you not to when you cut yourself.
And other times you give really gakky advice like in this post.
Albatross wrote: Um, did everyone miss the part where I said I'm in a relationship with a girl I met on tinder? People are individuals. Not everyone using that app is looking for random hook-ups..
It's for hooking up, not making friends.
Except it isn't, plenty of people use it for just chatting with others.
I think we should go back to one of the main problems with this. Its when you go out expecting for something to happen, expecting for a date and constantly waiting for a chance to ask a girl for her number. But what you should be doing is whatever you enjoy, just have fun on your own terms, and you will honestly meet someone by accident, which is the best way.
By constantly thinking about one girl that you barely know or just thinking about who to ask out all the time, you're taking all of the casual and naturalness out of situations.
Therefore, its best to just be patient, and wait for when someone comes along. Of course there will be times where you have to make a move for yourself, but just remember to keep calm and stop overcomplicating the "how to get a date" process
Glaiceana wrote: But what you should be doing is whatever you enjoy, just have fun on your own terms, and you will honestly meet someone by accident, which is the best way.
That is like planing to get rich by expecting to find a winning lottery ticket on the floor. I did it for the last 27 years, and I neither got a girlfriend nor got rich.
My whole point though was that people seem to make it more complicated than it needs to be. Its not a technical thing.
"I think we should go back to one of the main problems with this. Its when you go out expecting for something to happen, expecting for a date and constantly waiting for a chance to ask a girl for her number. But what you should be doing is whatever you enjoy, just have fun on your own terms, and you will honestly meet someone by accident, which is the best way.
By constantly thinking about one girl that you barely know or just thinking about who to ask out all the time, you're taking all of the casual and naturalness out of situations.
Therefore, its best to just be patient, and wait for when someone comes along. Of course there will be times where you have to make a move for yourself, but just remember to keep calm and stop overcomplicating the "how to get a date" process "
What I'm saying here is that you should take it easy, and don't put so much pressure on yourself all the time to find a girl.
I of course don't mean sit there and do nothing and expect the lottery...
Albatross wrote: Um, did everyone miss the part where I said I'm in a relationship with a girl I met on tinder? People are individuals. Not everyone using that app is looking for random hook-ups..
Oh? how many guys have you met off there?
It's for hooking up, not making friends.
You can eat icecream with a knife but don't say no one told you not to when you cut yourself.
And other times you give really gakky advice like in this post.
I particularly enjoyed the insinuation that I was homosexual. I'm English. There's a difference. Want to know what the difference is, derek?
Glaiceana wrote: What I'm saying here is that you should take it easy, and don't put so much pressure on yourself all the time to find a girl.
I think if we do not pressure ourselves, it is not going to happen. I am not sure if putting pressure will increase our chances, though .
you know, for a guy who admits he isnt very good at this, you seem to have a bit of a "know it all" attitude towards the subject. Not trying to be mean or anything, its just how you are coming off.
Do yourself a favour, keep your eyes open, smile at every girl you find atractive, and make it a rule to talk to each one who smiles back.
Before long at least one will have a conversation with you that results in more talking, and perhaps a date.
The solves the "meeting girls problem"... its still very much a lottery for meeting "THE RIGHT" girl though... Even with myself having plenty of dates since grade 7 onwards, I still dont know if I have met "THE ONE" yet, despite a plethora of intellegent, attractive women.
easysauce wrote: you know, for a guy who admits he isnt very good at this, you seem to have a bit of a "know it all" attitude towards the subject. Not trying to be mean or anything, its just how you are coming off.
What are you talking about? I am an expert at not getting girls !
Sorry, just kidding. I just know that if I do not put pressure on myself, I am likely not even going to talk to people. Maybe I should not have used the plural here though.
easysauce wrote: Do yourself a favour, keep your eyes open, smile at every girl you find atractive, and make it a rule to talk to each one who smiles back.
See, that means putting a lot of pressure on myself. A whole freaking lot. That is what I meant. I do not start conversations with stranger easily.
easysauce wrote: you know, for a guy who admits he isnt very good at this, you seem to have a bit of a "know it all" attitude towards the subject. Not trying to be mean or anything, its just how you are coming off.
What are you talking about? I am an expert at not getting girls !
Sorry, just kidding. I just know that if I do not put pressure on myself, I am likely not even going to talk to people. Maybe I should not have used the plural here though.
easysauce wrote: Do yourself a favour, keep your eyes open, smile at every girl you find atractive, and make it a rule to talk to each one who smiles back.
See, that means putting a lot of pressure on myself. A whole freaking lot. That is what I meant. I do not start conversations with stranger easily.
its only pressure if you think it is, talking to strangers is hard if you think it is, and easy if you think its easy.
Weather you think you will fail, or think your will succeed, you are right!
either way, the first few times you will be forcing it a bit, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. SO just strike up conversations with less intimidating women at first, either ones who dont make your head go funny with their sheer hotness, or easily talkable girls like your server, hairdresser, or whatever. dont make the goal to get a date, just make it to have a nice conversation, even if its breif.
So update, that chick added me on facebook yesterday (after not speaking to her since last Thursday), which had me like but then later I logged into facebook and the top of my newsfeed was that she had updated her status to 'in a relationship' so I was like
chaos0xomega wrote: So update, that chick added me on facebook yesterday (after not speaking to her since last Thursday), which had me like but then later I logged into facebook and the top of my newsfeed was that she had updated her status to 'in a relationship' so I was like
Well, if you get a friend out of it, it is not so bad. Especially since a possibly crazy friend would be rather easier to deal with than a possibly crazy girlfriend .
It has been about two month since I went climbing with that girl (she was on holiday in a bunch of different places, and then too busy, and then in London, and then some cousin visited, and then it was my turn not to be available…). We will climb this Saturday, and then she is leaving for Spain on Sunday for a month. So, not much practicing climbing . It is too bad, she was pretty good at it.
chaos0xomega wrote: So update, that chick added me on facebook yesterday (after not speaking to her since last Thursday), which had me like but then later I logged into facebook and the top of my newsfeed was that she had updated her status to 'in a relationship' so I was like
Well, if you get a friend out of it, it is not so bad. Especially since a possibly crazy friend would be rather easier to deal with than a possibly crazy girlfriend .
As if I didn't already have enough of those... ;P
It has been about two month since I went climbing with that girl (she was on holiday in a bunch of different places, and then too busy, and then in London, and then some cousin visited, and then it was my turn not to be available…). We will climb this Saturday, and then she is leaving for Spain on Sunday for a month. So, not much practicing climbing . It is too bad, she was pretty good at it.
Well, I did the first couples of time, until I pretty much gave up. Then she did for last week, and that was when I was not available. I did for this week though.
Well, thats a plus (that she asked) means its not an entirely one-sided affair, means she might be interested in something (though she might also only see you as a friend).
Well, when she said that she could not go climbing because she had to finish her work this weekend before going to London next week-end, while :
- she insisted the first time we met how she had few work to do here and it felt like holidays all the time, and
- there were two non-working Thursday (which, in France, usually means not working on Friday either ) before said departure
it got me thinking I was not high on her priority list. I would love to be wrong though.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: It has been about two month since I went climbing with that girl (she was on holiday in a bunch of different places, and then too busy, and then in London, and then some cousin visited, and then it was my turn not to be available…). We will climb this Saturday, and then she is leaving for Spain on Sunday for a month. So, not much practicing climbing . It is too bad, she was pretty good at it.
So, I now literally owe my life to this girl.
I was trying to get the rope through the second anchor, and I fell. I flipped, and my head was pretty damn close to the ground, but she held my just above it! Pretty damn scary stuff, but thankfully I only scratched my pinkie, which is pretty miraculous.
I also asked her if she had a boyfriend, to which she answered “No, why”. I answered “Because (you shouldn't have trouble finding one since) you are good at sport, and at art, and cultured (that one actually took me something like 3 seconds because what first came to my mind was “cultivated”, but I knew that this was not the proper English word ) and nice and beautiful”. I am not sure anymore if I said the part in parenthesis and italics because I went a bit confused at that time, but I think I meant to say it. She answered that she was just there for one more month, which may have been just a way to say it nicely, but it is still a good argument. She also asked me how old I am, and well, she is only 21, I did not realized we had a 6 years age gap. After that, we kind of switched subject. I am still quite a bit confused. I am not sure why I am talking about all this personal stuff online either, especially with a username that quite a bunch of my IRL relations know .
Also, did I mention I owe her my life.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: She also asked me how old I am, and well, she is only 21, I did not realized we had a 6 years age gap. After that, we kind of switched subject.
For what it's worth, I'm told a good rule of thumb for 'appropriateness' is half your age, plus 7. So there's no real need for either of you to feel too awkward.
She mentioned the age difference. That is a strong enough indication that she felt it was awkward, which is in turn a strong enough reason for me to feel awkward.
The Wife is more then 5 years older then I am. Good friends of ours have a larger gap (by two years I think) with the woman being the younger. We’ll both be celebrating our 14th anniversaries next month.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: Again, age is not the point. How she felt about it is the point. And as she mentioned, she will only stay in France for one more month anyway.
Just because she is leaving town, doesn't mean you can't go out and have fun. I think you need to have some no pressure non-long term relationship type of deals. Based on how you immediately complimented her like that, you showed you are kind of green when it comes to dating. You don't need to kiss someone's butt because they are pretty. Do you tell your male friends "you are handsome and smart". You need to think rationally about how saying things like that might not be getting the response you might want. 9/10 times a woman gets a compliment, she doesn't think it's sincere. I think you could use some help scripting out some sort of plan of approach when you are talking to women.
What was the point of asking if she had a boyfriend? IMO, it's best not to ask and just feel your way through a conversation and listen to what clues she gives you. After you've had a good conversation with a woman and you get the feeling she is interested, you need to just transition to asking her out. Say something like.. "look.. it was nice talking to you but i'm going to have to run. you should give me your number and maybe we can pickup this conversation again over a cup of coffee." Use your own words but do NOT start kissing ass or begging. It needs to be an introduction to continue the conversation and get to know more about them. If she tells you she has a boyfriend at that point, it's over. Make a joke, be nice and move on. If you want to keep in touch with this girl anyways, you can push for the number, tell her you weren't picking her up etc.
Point is.. have a plan to progress the conversation. Have a goal and know the steps. When you mess up, have a plan to not make the same mistake next time. This is a skill you are developing.
Yes, but I do not date them either. Point taken, though.
dereksatkinson wrote: After you've had a good conversation with a woman and you get the feeling she is interested, you need to just transition to asking her out. Say something like.. "look.. it was nice talking to you but i'm going to have to run. you should give me your number and maybe we can pickup this conversation again over a cup of coffee."
You know that I already had her number, and her e-mail address, and that we already had first a brunch together and then another previous session of climbing? She was leaving for about one month the day after (so, today), but we already had plans to see each other after that. Which still holds, by the way.
You can still miss it even if you do not know what you are missing out on. You could be thinking “Oh, I so wish I fell in love, I would really like to know what it feels like” or “Love? Whatever. Maybe it will happen to me on day, but currently I do not care”.
You seem to be more like this second case.
You'll know what love is eventually when you feel it. Sometimes you think its what you feel, and then only find out later after the relationship has ended and something else happens that it wasn't really love, because you'll have something to compare it to. I guess its just experience really.
But yeah when it happens, you'll know.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: It has been about two month since I went climbing with that girl (she was on holiday in a bunch of different places, and then too busy, and then in London, and then some cousin visited, and then it was my turn not to be available…). We will climb this Saturday, and then she is leaving for Spain on Sunday for a month. So, not much practicing climbing . It is too bad, she was pretty good at it.
So, I now literally owe my life to this girl.
I was trying to get the rope through the second anchor, and I fell. I flipped, and my head was pretty damn close to the ground, but she held my just above it! Pretty damn scary stuff, but thankfully I only scratched my pinkie, which is pretty miraculous.
I also asked her if she had a boyfriend, to which she answered “No, why”. I answered “Because (you shouldn't have trouble finding one since) you are good at sport, and at art, and cultured (that one actually took me something like 3 seconds because what first came to my mind was “cultivated”, but I knew that this was not the proper English word ) and nice and beautiful”. I am not sure anymore if I said the part in parenthesis and italics because I went a bit confused at that time, but I think I meant to say it. She answered that she was just there for one more month, which may have been just a way to say it nicely, but it is still a good argument. She also asked me how old I am, and well, she is only 21, I did not realized we had a 6 years age gap. After that, we kind of switched subject. I am still quite a bit confused. I am not sure why I am talking about all this personal stuff online either, especially with a username that quite a bunch of my IRL relations know .
Also, did I mention I owe her my life.
Wow, well at least you tried... I'd say it seems that the whole 'only here for one more month' thing was a polite way of saying no thank you, but I can't be sure. Points for being very direct with it, though you might have 'laid it on thick'.
Ashiraya wrote: I have never been in love with anyone. /foreveralone
Its overrated.... well, to be fair I dont know that I've ever been in love either, I THOUGHT I was but the feelings were very toxic (in retrospect) so I think it was more of a feeling of need rather than actual love.
For what it's worth, I'm told a good rule of thumb for 'appropriateness' is half your age, plus 7. So there's no real need for either of you to feel too awkward.
Yup, thats the standard metric that ive heard as well.
The last relationship I was in sort of imploded as if some one devieded by zero. I was still in love with him but he just stomped on my heart and kicked me out into an unknown city with no friends or funds....am I bitter....just a wee bit
chaos0xomega wrote: Wow, well at least you tried... I'd say it seems that the whole 'only here for one more month' thing was a polite way of saying no thank you, but I can't be sure. Points for being very direct with it, though you might have 'laid it on thick'.
Well, apparently that did not make her uncomfortable and she is still interested in going climbing and stuff with me. And now I know I can do it, it is not all that hard. So, all considering, I guess it did not went too bad.
For what it's worth, I'm told a good rule of thumb for 'appropriateness' is half your age, plus 7. So there's no real need for either of you to feel too awkward.
Yup, thats the standard metric that ive heard as well.
Well, 27/2+7=20.5, and for some reason I answered I was 28 instead of 27 (confusion ), so we were barely on the limit…
Ribon Fox wrote: Love is a deep dark hole […]...and every time it hurts :(
That is no joke. Did you had a painful experience? [edit]Answered while I was typing this.[/edit]
Too all of you who have loved and lost. It hurts and you feel like you never want to go through it again. However, that feeling is soon erased when you love again.
Or with alcohol... copious, copious amounts of alcohol.... ;P
I forgot to mention, I met up with my ex girlfriend over the weekend haha. I didnt particularly want to but she didn't leave me with much of a choice (since we were going to be at the same place at the same time and I didnt fancy playing hide and seek). It was actually pleasant, she was very respectful of my boundaries, didn't try crossing any lines or pushing herself on me or anything, we had a nice talk and caught up some. She seems more stable and mature than last I saw her, though she is still very much totally insane.
Also, I started talking to this one girl on Tinder, who is just... goddamn.... but she might be a bit too freaky for me lol
chaos0xomega wrote: Also, I started talking to this one girl on Tinder, who is just... goddamn.... but she might be a bit too freaky for me lol
How freaky? Cuffs and gags? Whips and chains? Spikes and racks? We need a scale to check against! ...For science, of course. >.>
My Tinder has been in complete radio silence for over a week with only two matches, both of which just didn't bother replying.
I did find someone by one of their social network IDs in their profile, but I think we suit friendship more than a relationship at the moment; but I can always use a good friend. xD
chaos0xomega wrote: Also, I started talking to this one girl on Tinder, who is just... goddamn.... but she might be a bit too freaky for me lol
How freaky? Cuffs and gags? Whips and chains? Spikes and racks? We need a scale to check against! ...For science, of course. >.>
My Tinder has been in complete radio silence for over a week with only two matches, both of which just didn't bother replying.
I did find someone by one of their social network IDs in their profile, but I think we suit friendship more than a relationship at the moment; but I can always use a good friend. xD
She hasn't quite come out and told me, only alluded to it, but the vibe I'm getting from her is that shes into some very hardcore BDSM type stuff, like I've dabbled myself, I'm all for "cuffs and gags", "whips and chains" starts getting into a bit of a grey area for me, and then the spikes and racks are right out... the general gist of what I'm getting seems to be in the "whips and chains" to "spikes and racks" spectrum... The aforementioned ex is in that spectrum of things, and is (apparently) now working as a professional dominatrix, and I sure as hell couldn't handle her kinkiness when we were together, so I dont know that I want to even try that again lol.
I thought about trying to get a date with someone but it turns out my wife was already booked. <Rimshot>
I’ve got a date next Tuesday with The Wife. It’s our 14th wedding anniversary. We always go back to the restaurant we had our reception at. I can still fit into the tuxedo I was married in, which I wear every year on that night. /smug.
While it might be easier for us old married folks to find the someone for a date, it becomes much harder to find the time for one. At least once a year, we make the time.
Yeah, I've been doing ok lately. I was dating this girl for a couple of weeks, but then I met someone I liked more, so that was that. That girl is coming to stay next week. It's fething complicated, single life.
Nope. Remember that girl? Back then we could not find a time to meet for the next two weeks (first week she canceled, second one I canceled), and afterward she was supposed to leave for some vacations in South Korea. I had given her the email address of a friend there and everything. So, since I had some movie for today, I thought why not ask her if she wants to come along too. It had been more than a month since she left, so likely she had came back. I wrote her an email one week ago, and got no answer. So, I send her a text yesterday, and she answered in the evening. She actually never went to South Korea, had seen my email but not answered it, was not available to go to the movie.
So… no date.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: I wrote her an email one week ago, and got no answer. So, I send her a text yesterday, and she answered in the evening. She actually never went to South Korea, had seen my email but not answered it, was not available to go to the movie.
So… no date.
That is a perfect signature of her being completely uninterested. Had she even any mild interest she would have expressed it. Don't look at it as her being too busy or otherwise occupied, if that were the case she would have said lets do it another time, blowing you off completely is a clear statement of disinterest.
stanman wrote: That is a perfect signature of her being completely uninterested.
That is how I understood it, yes. Well, that is how I understand about anything, though.
stanman wrote: if that were the case she would have said lets do it another time, blowing you off completely is a clear statement of disinterest.
Well, to be honest, she did mention that she would maybe go to the Meltdown the next day in her text. I am not sure if she meant Friday or Saturday because she sent the text on Friday at about 0:30 AM, and I do not know if it was an invitation to meet her there, but I could not go either way anyway.
Nope. Remember that girl? Back then we could not find a time to meet for the next two weeks (first week she canceled, second one I canceled), and afterward she was supposed to leave for some vacations in South Korea. I had given her the email address of a friend there and everything. So, since I had some movie for today, I thought why not ask her if she wants to come along too. It had been more than a month since she left, so likely she had came back. I wrote her an email one week ago, and got no answer. So, I send her a text yesterday, and she answered in the evening. She actually never went to South Korea, had seen my email but not answered it, was not available to go to the movie.
So… no date.
oof, that hurts man, sorry :(
No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder, but nothing to show. Im terrible at conversing with people who i dont know and may or may not have anything in common with (it aint any easier on tinder), the people on the other end dont usually make it any easier - even when they message me first (seemingly very common, at least for me).
chaos0xomega wrote: No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder
Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
I also matched with someone who must've deleted their account or blocked me moments later, since they were gone before I had a chance to see who they were. xD
I've pretty much given up on Tinder; I just use it whenever I'm bored now as a way of passing the time.
chaos0xomega wrote: Im terrible at conversing with people who i dont know and may or may not have anything in common with (it aint any easier on tinder), the people on the other end dont usually make it any easier - even when they message me first (seemingly very common, at least for me).
Well, maybe try to look for things you may have in common. In which “mainstream” fields do you have a particular interest? For instance, are you really fond of music, or movies? Are you really much into a sport? If so, maybe just ask them for their tastes in that domain, and eventually propose to do some related activity. Something like “Which kind of music do you like? I am going to some jazz concert next Saturday, are you interested in joining?”
(I am no expert though, of course. So take my advises with some salt.)
Avatar 720 wrote: Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
So, apparently Tinder is not the Holy Land that we have been promised . That almost makes up for all I did to make it work with no success. Almost.
Maybe the problem is your picture, or maybe it is just that Tinder is not working well in your area…
Maybe you'll get lucky later.
chaos0xomega wrote: No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder
Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.
There are a number of married folks here on dakka, and in the gamer world in general.
When I was in my mid/late teens, I thought my outlook was pretty grim. Didn’t start really dating until college. Even that was pretty lackluster for a bit. But after a few false starts and bad breakups, eventually I found the right woman.
Don’t give up hope. If an introverted geeky slacker like me can get married, and stay that way for 14 years and counting, pretty much everyone has a chance!
Have you all tried crying frequently? To be honest it works pretty well for me when I feel lonely. I guess that doesn't help you get a date but it seems getting a date is impossible so there must be some sort of alternative!
There are a number of married folks here on dakka, and in the gamer world in general.
When I was in my mid/late teens, I thought my outlook was pretty grim. Didn’t start really dating until college. Even that was pretty lackluster for a bit. But after a few false starts and bad breakups, eventually I found the right woman.
Don’t give up hope. If an introverted geeky slacker like me can get married, and stay that way for 14 years and counting, pretty much everyone has a chance!
I suppose you are right, I am usually in "life contemplation" mode late at night.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
KelseyC wrote: Have you all tried crying frequently? To be honest it works pretty well for me when I feel lonely. I guess that doesn't help you get a date but it seems getting a date is impossible so there must be some sort of alternative!
Well, maybe try to look for things you may have in common. In which “mainstream” fields do you have a particular interest? For instance, are you really fond of music, or movies? Are you really much into a sport? If so, maybe just ask them for their tastes in that domain, and eventually propose to do some related activity. Something like “Which kind of music do you like? I am going to some jazz concert next Saturday, are you interested in joining?”
(I am no expert though, of course. So take my advises with some salt.)
I would say its valid advice, but not applicable advice. A lot of my matches on Tinder don't 'like' any of the pages I like, and often times when they do they are just very generic likes (Oh, so you like Pearl Jams facebook page too? Tell me more about how they're apparrently your favorite band because I have no other context by which to determine mutual interests?")
So, apparently Tinder is not the Holy Land that we have been promised . That almost makes up for all I did to make it work with no success. Almost.
Maybe the problem is your picture, or maybe it is just that Tinder is not working well in your area…
Maybe you'll get lucky later.
To be fair, I've only messaged first once or twice (again, most of my convos start because they come to me), and in both those cases it was because the girl 'lead' me. You are going to get a match one of two ways, either you swipe first, or they do. If you swipe first, then that means that it goes into their queue of desperate guys and it looks something like this:
Note the steady stream of messages at the top and the general 'overload' of options. If she swipes first (in which case you will be instantly notified that its a match when you swipe her as well), that means that she theoretically (provided that you use tinder regularly enough to catch her while its 'fresh') isn't yet inundated with dudes trying to get into her pants, and thus your message is that much more noticeable.
chaos0xomega wrote: No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder
Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.
@Alby- Got any suggestions?
Yeah, I'd love to get Alby's opinion on this one, right now I'm struggling to find a way to feel out common ground etc.
KelseyC wrote: Have you all tried crying frequently? To be honest it works pretty well for me when I feel lonely. I guess that doesn't help you get a date but it seems getting a date is impossible so there must be some sort of alternative!
I did. It does not work, but for some reason I keep doing it.
chaos0xomega wrote: I would say its valid advice, but not applicable advice. A lot of my matches on Tinder don't 'like' any of the pages I like, and often times when they do they are just very generic likes (Oh, so you like Pearl Jams facebook page too? Tell me more about how they're apparrently your favorite band because I have no other context by which to determine mutual interests?")
I would say, do not look at which pages they like. Just find out by asking.
I am not on Facebook, but you would have a hard time knowing most of my interest just by looking at my profile on G+.
chaos0xomega wrote: You are going to get a match one of two ways, either you swipe first, or they do. If you swipe first, then that means that it goes into their queue of desperate guys and it looks something like this:
Note the steady stream of messages at the top and the general 'overload' of options. If she swipes first (in which case you will be instantly notified that its a match when you swipe her as well), that means that she theoretically (provided that you use tinder regularly enough to catch her while its 'fresh') isn't yet inundated with dudes trying to get into her pants, and thus your message is that much more noticeable.
Woah. Woah, woah, woah. That… does not look effective .
and Hybrid, no its not effective at all, Tinder really should revise its algorithm to determine who sees who and how many people can be matched simultaneously, I imagine if I was a chick id be rapidly overwhelmed...
Not common interests, it's talking points gents. Talk about interesting things when asked about yourself, listen to her interesting things. You don't need to have tons of things in common to do work.
Judging from the various tumblrs about tinder, it seems the best way to go about it is to just talk about random crap (and by random, I mean messaging something utterly random and nonsensical... you'll get some responses... then you'll never from them again lol)
chaos0xomega wrote: Judging from the various tumblrs about tinder, it seems the best way to go about it is to just talk about random crap (and by random, I mean messaging something utterly random and nonsensical... you'll get some responses... then you'll never from them again lol)
Yeah it seems overhyped in my opinion.
Also considering how many people use it and how simple the app is it could be less buggy.
Having a way to sort suggestions by shared FB likes would be useful, and would encourage people to add and update them.
Finding a match and having the app say something like "You both share an interest in _____, why not talk about it?" is much better than the "Why haven't you said anything yet?" BS it gives you.
Some people's FB likes are also pointless, outdated, non-existent, or a combination of all three. I try and look for shared music interests, but outside of that any other likes are probably back from when they were 14 and everyone was liking random crap for the hell of it. It'd also help if people did more than copy-paste idiotic quotes into their bios and actually use them for their intended purpose, or even at all. ¬.¬
chaos0xomega wrote: No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder
Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.
@Alby- Got any suggestions?
Hey folks, sorry, been really busy recently. A quick update: I met the most amazing girl! She's tall, slim, blonde and an artist. She's from my hometown, we get on great... Just generally really like this chick. Looks like I might have a girlfriend, a keeper this time.
Anyhow, starting conversations on Tinder... I guess my general advice would be 'don't try too hard to be noticed'. Whilst this might be counter intuitive, it's easy to completely mess up your first impression by being too wacky/smooth/forward. Send a quick message and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES send a follow-up message if she doesn't get back to you right away. My opening message is always this:
'Hey (name), what's happening? x'
That's literally it. Occasionally, if there's something interesting about their profile, I'll ask about it, but not that often. Only if it's noteworthy. If a girl likes the look of you, she'll reply, simple as. From there it's usually been something like this:
'Oh nothing just chilling lol. Work tomorrow, sad times. :(. You?'
'Booo! Haha, yeah same. Where you work?'
'Just in an office/shop/who cares. It's alright. My boss is a dick though. You?'
'Yeah, I work for a bank in risk and remediation, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. Yawn. '
'Hahaha! (They always seem to laugh at that, Christ knows why) I dunno, it sounds pretty interesting. (By interesting, she means well-paid. I'm not)'
'You should get out more! Haha, jokes.'
And so on. Works for me. The key is to not be creepy and to make her laugh, but not try to hard to do so. Be cheeky, poke fun at her if you get the chance. Girls like to be teased because (IMO) it shows you're not TOO concerned about her feelings and therefore don't reek of desperation.
As always, standard caveats apply. I'm just sharing what works for me, it's not the gospel. I HAVE slept with three different girls over the last fortnight though, so read into that what you will. I'm just trying to help however I can.
Do your conversations get any 'deeper' than that? Because I can do that all day, problem is getting them to a point where i can segway to discussing a meetup/getting their number, the convo usually fizzles out after as many messages as you just described.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Also, while I'm at it...
So yesterday was my usual trivia night with my friends, lo and behold there was a new hostess who I have never seen before, and she was absolutely gorgeous... and I wanted to talk to her, but aside from the fact that she was generally busy buzzing about the place, I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be, especially considering that I'm a regular there, have a pretty good relationship with the bar staff, etc. which I don't want to sour, I enjoy getting free/discounted gak. Beyond that, no idea how or what I should talk to her about, since shes in work mode and I'm obviously not lol.
I think I did catch her looking at me a couple times, though I'm not positive...
Honestly, I stopped trying so hard and then I was able to see when things could go somewhere and when they wouldn't. I actually stopped letting hooking up/sex be my main focus of social interactions with women because I honestly didn't buy the social standard that my manliness is measured by the amount of sex I was having.
Nothing is more unappealing than desperation and it gets picked up on quick by other people. Sometimes when you try too hard it comes off as desperate and that can turn people off quick. So my advice, as a married man who just celebrated his fifth anniversary earlier this month, is to not try so hard. Relax, slow down, if it works out then it works out; if not, then don't push it. No one is judging you but yourself and why should you care if you are not finding someone you are compatible with. Just stay confident that you are worth the time and someone else will too.
chaos0xomega wrote: Thats all well and good, but it doesn't make me any better at conversing with strangers
I honestly didn't read your post so my post wasn't intended as a response to you, but...
Smile at her, does she smile back, with her eyes?
Honestly, getting someone's attention while they are working, especially if she is a waitress, is hard. You're not the only bloke in the bar/restaurant who has an interest in her or has expressed it. She has to shut down a little in order function in her job without being completely annoyed by unwanted advances (known/unknown by the guy interested in her).
My suggestion, keep it casual. If she ends up your waitress, be generous, be kind to her when she waits on you, ask her how she is doing. Crack a joke when you see the chance, get her to laugh. But if she doesn't respond, then just keep it casual. As you said, this place is a frequent haunt of yours and you don't want to ruin that.
chaos0xomega wrote: No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder
Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.
@Alby- Got any suggestions?
Hey folks, sorry, been really busy recently. A quick update: I met the most amazing girl! She's tall, slim, blonde and an artist. She's from my hometown, we get on great... Just generally really like this chick. Looks like I might have a girlfriend, a keeper this time.
Anyhow, starting conversations on Tinder... I guess my general advice would be 'don't try too hard to be noticed'. Whilst this might be counter intuitive, it's easy to completely mess up your first impression by being too wacky/smooth/forward. Send a quick message and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES send a follow-up message if she doesn't get back to you right away. My opening message is always this:
'Hey (name), what's happening? x'
That's literally it. Occasionally, if there's something interesting about their profile, I'll ask about it, but not that often. Only if it's noteworthy. If a girl likes the look of you, she'll reply, simple as. From there it's usually been something like this:
'Oh nothing just chilling lol. Work tomorrow, sad times. :(. You?'
'Booo! Haha, yeah same. Where you work?'
'Just in an office/shop/who cares. It's alright. My boss is a dick though. You?'
'Yeah, I work for a bank in risk and remediation, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. Yawn. '
'Hahaha! (They always seem to laugh at that, Christ knows why) I dunno, it sounds pretty interesting. (By interesting, she means well-paid. I'm not)'
'You should get out more! Haha, jokes.'
And so on. Works for me. The key is to not be creepy and to make her laugh, but not try to hard to do so. Be cheeky, poke fun at her if you get the chance. Girls like to be teased because (IMO) it shows you're not TOO concerned about her feelings and therefore don't reek of desperation.
As always, standard caveats apply. I'm just sharing what works for me, it's not the gospel. I HAVE slept with three different girls over the last fortnight though, so read into that what you will. I'm just trying to help however I can.
I had a feeling it would be that easy. Just keep it casual, informal, and shallow.
ProtoClone wrote: Honestly, I stopped trying so hard and then I was able to see when things could go somewhere and when they wouldn't.
I guess I wen the other way, from not trying to trying. None worked, though.
ProtoClone wrote: I actually stopped letting hooking up/sex be my main focus of social interactions with women because I honestly didn't buy the social standard that my manliness is measured by the amount of sex I was having.
Well, sex is certainly not my main motivation for getting into a relationship. It seems very accessory to me at least for the moment. Beside, I think I am somehow still not very comfortable with the idea.
ProtoClone wrote: No one is judging you but yourself and why should you care if you are not finding someone you are compatible with.
chaos0xomega wrote: Thats all well and good, but it doesn't make me any better at conversing with strangers
I honestly didn't read your post so my post wasn't intended as a response to you, but...
Smile at her, does she smile back, with her eyes?
Honestly, getting someone's attention while they are working, especially if she is a waitress, is hard. You're not the only bloke in the bar/restaurant who has an interest in her or has expressed it. She has to shut down a little in order function in her job without being completely annoyed by unwanted advances (known/unknown by the guy interested in her).
My suggestion, keep it casual. If she ends up your waitress, be generous, be kind to her when she waits on you, ask her how she is doing. Crack a joke when you see the chance, get her to laugh. But if she doesn't respond, then just keep it casual. As you said, this place is a frequent haunt of yours and you don't want to ruin that.
I figured, I just want the attention . Thing is though that I have no interaction with her or the waitstaff in general, our bartender (who we tip obscenely well) handles everything for us and usually has a table set aside for us unless they're exceptionally busy. She (as the hostess) just handles seating for the dining area (not the bar area), though she does interact with the bar staff occasionally based on what I saw (she walked past me a few times).
And smiling... uhhh... I don't smile well unless its a natural thing (which only happens rarely it seems, my friends joke about it). My attempts to force a smile results in more of a grimace.... its sad, not knowing how to smile... :C
If this place is a frequent haunt, have your contacts in the bar do the heavy lifting for you. Find out a bit about her from them too.
I don't know if my relationship with the dudes at the bar is quite to that level yet...
chaos0xomega wrote: head nod and a 'hey'? (at which point I would probably smile somewhat naturally)
Don't do a head nod, please don't do a head nod. Head nod doesn't really indicate anything. I head nod coworkers, acquaintances, and customers I am vaguely familiar with.
If you see her and cross her path, make eye contact and say "hi". How does she respond is what you should look for next. Did she smile back in a way that wasn't just a "hi, customer, and welcome to my work please buy stuff"?
If you want to get to know her, GET TO KNOW HER! Don't have people do the work for you. If you are interested then make the effort to make that connection.
I understand the smiling part, trust me I do, but try it. Maybe make a joke out of it with her. Say "Hi" *smile* "Did that smile seem natural to you? I have been trying to work on it looking more natural." Then, when you see her you again you already have something to break the ice with.
It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.
Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?
It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.
Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?
I am going to have to echo this thought. Even though I have given you some suggestions, it really isn't worth it in this situation. There so much working against you and the last thing you want is to make it all awkward.
It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.
Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?
That's why I recommend he tried going through his friends at the place to get some face time such as an introduction or something. However, it doesn't sound like that is an option. Then he's not :creepy customer" but ChaosXOmega the guy who knows the bartender.
It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.
Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?
That's why I recommend he tried going through his friends at the place to get some face time such as an introduction or something. However, it doesn't sound like that is an option. Then he's not :creepy customer" but ChaosXOmega the guy who knows the bartender.
I'll come right out and say it -- I don't think people actually get labeled a "creepy customer" unless they behave in a creepy way. And some friendly conversation or very light flirting doesn't qualify as creepy behavior in most instances, and shouldn't make wait staff horribly uncomfortable, get faces posted on websites, cause firings, spark the apocalypse, etc. It's just casual human interaction.
Now, getting too fixated on her, staring without smiling, then asking questions about her of her co-workers...eh.
Chaos, personally I'd probably create an excuse to wander over and talk to her about something within the context of her job, specifically at a less busy moment for her. Maybe ask her about making reservations for a larger group -- what could they accommodate, how much notice is required, etc. (This is really off the top of my head and it can be better developed, but you see where I'm going.)
Ask a few general questions so you can have just a little bit of back-and-forth conversation. Thank her, then introduce yourself and slip into a slightly more personal mode ("Oh, by the way, I'm [X]...my friends and I are here a lot on trivia night, so I guess we're semi-regulars around here." Maybe crack a joke ("We lose a lot, in case you're wondering."). If she seems friendly and engaged, maybe ask if she's new there, because you haven't seen her around until recently. Etc. Stay and talk as long as she's engaged in the conversation, but make a proper exit if she's obviously busy ("[X], nice meeting you and thank you so much...I'll see you around, okay?").
This isn't the actual script, but you get the general idea. Stay casual, SMILE, and don't treat it as some kind of watershed moment...just regular, friendly, human interaction.
gorgon wrote: And some friendly conversation or very light flirting doesn't qualify as creepy behavior in most instances, and shouldn't make wait staff horribly uncomfortable, get faces posted on websites, cause firings, spark the apocalypse, etc. It's just casual human interaction.
But remember, we're talking about people who are looking for dating advice, often on their first relationships. I'm sure there are people who can read all the right cues and never cross any lines, but for someone with such limited dating experience it's going to be very easy to cross those boundaries and put someone in a situation where they're uncomfortable but have to put up with it. And given that they're looking at this as "I need a strategy for getting a date with her" and not just casually talking to someone who happens to be at your table it's almost certain that a line will be crossed.
And remember, a big part of why it's so easy to be creepy is context. Talking to someone at their job is a situation where they have limited ability to say no and walk away, their job (and tip) depends on making you happy. So even if they're thinking "wow, this is really boring, I wish he'd shut up and just order his food" they'll still feel compelled to smile and chat with you. Essentially you're cornering someone and demanding to talk to them, whether or not you see it that way from your perspective. I'm all in favor of getting out and talking to people, but do it in a context where both people are equal and free of job obligations.
It's also been found that what a woman considers creepy behavior in the flirting department (not truly creepy behavior) is actually dependent on whether she finds the man attractive or not. So people should definitely take that into account as well. Possibly be a true geek and go look up flirting /interest indicators before a date to refresh.
It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.
Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?
That's why I recommend he tried going through his friends at the place to get some face time such as an introduction or something. However, it doesn't sound like that is an option. Then he's not :creepy customer" but ChaosXOmega the guy who knows the bartender.
Ask a few general questions so you can have just a little bit of back-and-forth conversation. Thank her, then introduce yourself and slip into a slightly more personal mode ("Oh, by the way, I'm [X]...my friends and I are here a lot on trivia night, so I guess we're semi-regulars around here." Maybe crack a joke ("We lose a lot, in case you're wondering."). If she seems friendly and engaged, maybe ask if she's new there, because you haven't seen her around until recently. Etc. Stay and talk as long as she's engaged in the conversation, but make a proper exit if she's obviously busy ("[X], nice meeting you and thank you so much...I'll see you around, okay?").
If I said that, it would be a lie, we're the defending champions! ;D
But remember, we're talking about people who are looking for dating advice, often on their first relationships.
Definitely not my first relationship... I don't know what number relationship I'm looking to get dragged into tbh (admittedly because the lines beetween which of my 'relationships' were actually relationships and which weren't is rather blurry, so basically it depends on how you count... I often say "I've never been in a real relationship" and thats technically false, though realistically....).
I'm sure there are people who can read all the right cues and never cross any lines, but for someone with such limited dating experience it's going to be very easy to cross those boundaries and put someone in a situation where they're uncomfortable but have to put up with it
I can read the right cues, but I'm overly cautious so I read into things too much and often become my own worse enemy... lets put it this way, the number of womenfolk who have told me "I used to have a massive crush on you back in xyz" is pretty staggering... it makes me feel bad :( )
And given that they're looking at this as "I need a strategy for getting a date with her" and not just casually talking to someone who happens to be at your table it's almost certain that a line will be crossed.
I don't think I'd cross any lines, but I don't want to risk taking a gak where I eat either...
Talking to someone at their job is a situation where they have limited ability to say no and walk away, their job (and tip) depends on making you happy.
She doesn't get tipped by us anyway since we have no interaction with any of the hostesses, Craig (our bartender) otoh never gets anything less than 40%, but yes otherwise you're correct. Hitting on a 'captive audience' is... well... its bad.
Possibly be a true geek and go look up flirting /interest indicators before a date to refresh.
Touching hair
Toes pointing at you
Exposing wrist/neck
Smiling
Laughing
Breathing
Living
(if you can't tell I don't buy into the whole IoI thing too much, unless you mean *actual* indicators, like blatant flirting, etc. and not the PUA stuff like body language and behavioral bs)
chaos0xomega wrote: lets put it this way, the number of womenfolk who have told me "I used to have a massive crush on you back in xyz" is pretty staggering... it makes me feel bad :( )
It is not that bad, it means many women had a crush on you. Now you just need to be able to notice it when they do, and find one for which it is reciprocal.
Personally, no-one ever told me that they had a crush on me ever. Likely because no-one did.
Bro, you're really messing with my zen thing. Stop being so negative, find some confidence, thats likely the missing piece of the puzzle for you more than anything else.
Anyway, as for noticing when they do, in a way I do - or I should say I suspect - but I typically deny it to myself... unless of course they don't and I read the wrong signals...been SO SO SO wrong on that one so many times in the past....
chaos0xomega wrote: Stop being so negative, find some confidence, thats likely the missing piece of the puzzle for you more than anything else.
Where would I find my confidence ?
chaos0xomega wrote: Anyway, as for noticing when they do, in a way I do - or I should say I suspect - but I typically deny it to myself... unless of course they don't and I read the wrong signals...been SO SO SO wrong on that one so many times in the past....
Maybe get a third-party to check it for you beforehand or something? Hardly applicable if you do not have common friends though, I guess.
As for where you can find confidence, what is it that you do again? You're going for an advanced degree in computer science right? Theres something to draw confidence from, you're more educated than the average human being, even excluding the third world, etc.
Well, if you ask them “Do you think she is into me”, yes. they will not necessarily know better than you. But if you charge them with actually asking her if she is, then I guess they must be quite reliable .
Oh well, what do I know anyway!
chaos0xomega wrote: As for where you can find confidence, what is it that you do again? You're going for an advanced degree in computer science right? Theres something to draw confidence from, you're more educated than the average human being, even excluding the third world, etc.
Yeah, I am doing a PhD in graph theory. That mean I can bore people by explaining the maths I do. If they are nice, they will pretend to be interested at the beginning . Math are not really popular in the general population .
That is hardly something that will make me interesting, or fun, or nice to be around…
Asking other people to find out for you is kinda juvenile imo.
And it doesnt matter if other people find it interesting, confidence has nothing to do with interest aside from generating interest in other people. The point of it is that it is something you yourself can be proud of and gain confidence from. Part of being confident is believing in yourself and your ability.
Why care about it being juvenile if it works? I mean, is the whole hobby that binds this forum together considered at least a bit juvenile by the vast majority of the population ?
Now, if you are not comfortable asking your friends to do that, I can understand.
Well, confidence will not come from my work. I would maybe be proud about it if I decided early that this was what I wanted to do, and had worked hard to get it, but really it is more like I never managed to make any decision, and just followed doing what seemed easier… And I am not really that good at it.
(Also there is the fact that almost everyone I know have at least an equivalent level of education, or will likely get one . Even the waiter at the Lebanese restaurant near my place has a PhD! )
I am not really good at anything. I am an okay-ish painter, an okay-ish player, an okay-ish climber, an okay-ish skier, an okay-ish researcher… and really pretty terrible at getting girlfriends!
If all else fails, you can do the Frazzled-age version of a wedding ceremony: thump her on the head with a club, drag her into the cave, and make babies by the fire, on the saber-toothed tiger rug.
No, thank you.
By the way, I watched Teeth again this evening with a friend of mine. Made me feel better: at least I know I will not get my penis eaten by some vagina .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-qd-k0Vg7s
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: Why care about it being juvenile if it works? I mean, is the whole hobby that binds this forum together considered at least a bit juvenile by the vast majority of the population ?
Now, if you are not comfortable asking your friends to do that, I can understand.
Well, confidence will not come from my work. I would maybe be proud about it if I decided early that this was what I wanted to do, and had worked hard to get it, but really it is more like I never managed to make any decision, and just followed doing what seemed easier… And I am not really that good at it.
(Also there is the fact that almost everyone I know have at least an equivalent level of education, or will likely get one . Even the waiter at the Lebanese restaurant near my place has a PhD! )
I am not really good at anything. I am an okay-ish painter, an okay-ish player, an okay-ish climber, an okay-ish skier, an okay-ish researcher… and really pretty terrible at getting girlfriends!
You're killing here! Everyone has a redeeming quality of some sort... except Sean Avery, feth that guy. Maybe you should just come to the US or go to another foreign land? Being an 'outsider' with an accent is like x1000 hotness points, and (at least in the US) having a masters degree puts you well ahead of the curve.
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: Why care about it being juvenile if it works? I mean, is the whole hobby that binds this forum together considered at least a bit juvenile by the vast majority of the population ?
Now, if you are not comfortable asking your friends to do that, I can understand.
Well, confidence will not come from my work. I would maybe be proud about it if I decided early that this was what I wanted to do, and had worked hard to get it, but really it is more like I never managed to make any decision, and just followed doing what seemed easier… And I am not really that good at it.
(Also there is the fact that almost everyone I know have at least an equivalent level of education, or will likely get one . Even the waiter at the Lebanese restaurant near my place has a PhD! )
I am not really good at anything. I am an okay-ish painter, an okay-ish player, an okay-ish climber, an okay-ish skier, an okay-ish researcher… and really pretty terrible at getting girlfriends!
You are your own worst enemy. Stop tearing yourself down. You see it as being objective, but it is just being self-destructive. The truth is, everyone is a hot mess! Everyone has problems and issues and failures. Stop dwelling on the things you don;t like about yourself.
Every morning, tell yourself a different story. The first 30 time syou won't believe it at all. After you have done it a month, you will have a new positive self-talk attitude. You will have to be vigilant about the negative self-talk because we are all our own worst critics. However, we can also be our own best cheerleader.
For only three installments of $19.99 I can change your life!
Well… I am a nice guy? Or I have awesome tastes in movies and music?
I am not particularly good at anything. I am not particularly bad either, generally.
Who? Why? Wikipedia says he is a hockey player, but then what else?
chaos0xomega wrote: Maybe you should just come to the US or go to another foreign land? Being an 'outsider' with an accent is like x1000 hotness points, and (at least in the US) having a masters degree puts you well ahead of the curve.
I have been in South Korea for 3 month. Loneliest time of my life. Really, that was pretty terrible. I did meet a few people that I still keep in contact with now, but when I was there, I hardly met them more than once or twice. Going to a foreign country where I can actually talk to people, in either French or English, is definitely something I plan to do though. I will try to get a temporary position in an English-speaking country after I finish my PhD, to improve my oral comprehension skills and my accent (though not sure if I should try to keep it, at least occasionally, since I heard French accent can be pretty popular).
Easy E wrote: Every morning, tell yourself a different story.
What kind of story? I am awesome and very intelligent and good-looking and everyone wants to be with me?
Easy E wrote: For only three installments of $19.99 I can change your life!
Where do I send the money ?
easysauce wrote: worked for me, I went from sleeping in the gutter, to sleeping on a big pile of money, with many beautiful women.
You should try beds. More comfortable than money. The women will thank you too .
From doing a lot of reading recently, never, ever, ever call yourself a Nice Guy. Even (especially?) when you genuinely are.
My opinion is, something that can really objectively help, is spending a couple of hours sitting down and reading the #yesallwomen tag on Twitter.
I dunno about you guys but, even now, well into my 20's and a pretty geeky guy, if I met a girl I was really, instantly attracted to, I would pretty much still be falling over myself, like some horrible 80's nerdy comedy character. However, girls I weren't necessarily attracted to, I get on fine with, because they were just people.
Anyway, that's my current theory I'm working from at the moment.
Well… I am a nice guy? Or I have awesome tastes in movies and music?
I am not particularly good at anything. I am not particularly bad either, generally..
I doubt thats true, but even still, if you're only average at everything you do (which is what you're telling me when you say you're not good or bad at anything), you're still pretty good. You might not be the master of anything, but you are a jack of all trades, and not very many people can claim to be average at everything. Theres nothing wrong with being strictly average, just don't be below average.
Who? Why? Wikipedia says he is a hockey player, but then what else?
Twas a joke my friend. He's a terrible terrible human being and a sad excuse for a hockey player lol.
I have been in South Korea for 3 month. Loneliest time of my life. Really, that was pretty terrible. I did meet a few people that I still keep in contact with now, but when I was there, I hardly met them more than once or twice. Going to a foreign country where I can actually talk to people, in either French or English, is definitely something I plan to do though. I will try to get a temporary position in an English-speaking country after I finish my PhD, to improve my oral comprehension skills and my accent (though not sure if I should try to keep it, at least occasionally, since I heard French accent can be pretty popular).
I've heard Koreans are fairly insular culturally speaking (my experience has been limited to Korean Americans whom Ive grown up with since I was a small child, so I dont know how true it is), the English, Americans, and Australians tend to be a bit more open, but you also have to be willing to talk to them. I think the accent goes a long way, nothing wrong with having one, it mights for a good talking point too
What kind of story? I am awesome and very intelligent and good-looking and everyone wants to be with me?
Yup, pretty much this.
You should try beds. More comfortable than money. The women will thank you too .
I lol'd. You have a sense of humor!
From doing a lot of reading recently, never, ever, ever call yourself a Nice Guy. Even (especially?) when you genuinely are.
Fact. The n-word is what women use to disqualify you ("You're a nice guy, but..."), using it to refer to yourself will effectively kill your chances. Its a really odd dynamic that I haven't quite figured out, but its like theres some subliminal connotation with that word that (if used in self reference) that will turn them off.
I dunno about you guys but, even now, well into my 20's and a pretty geeky guy, if I met a girl I was really, instantly attracted to, I would pretty much still be falling over myself, like some horrible 80's nerdy comedy character. However, girls I weren't necessarily attracted to, I get on fine with, because they were just people.
Same... and then if I do develop an attraction to a girl that I was previously good with, I go back to falling over myself... its pretty terrible
I think it's because 'Nice Guy' has very different meanings for many guys and many girls. You also need to take into account peoples personal narrative.
So basically, something that should be thought of, is that, while lets say, a random guy describes himself as a 'nice guy' meaning well, he's not a jerk.
A random girl, seeing that 'Nice Guy' phrase, may be immediately reminded of that former male friend of hers who thought they could 'token machine' their way into dating her, it didn't work, then massively blew up at her for it. - I imagine the odds of this happening to a girl once in their life is pretty high, sadly. Or, at least, happening in her immediate group of friends.
So, it probably is an alarm bell phrase as a result of that. Maybe.
I may be talking rubbish. - It's not the first time!
Compel wrote: From doing a lot of reading recently, never, ever, ever call yourself a Nice Guy. Even (especially?) when you genuinely are.
Yeah, hence the emoticon. I was being facetious. Same thing for tastes. There are no good tastes, just tastes. Those were basically the worse answers I could find.
Compel wrote: My opinion is, something that can really objectively help, is spending a couple of hours sitting down and reading the #yesallwomen tag on Twitter.
Nope, I really cannot relate in any way to most if not all the behavior described there, and because it usually depresses me. I do regularly read feminist articles though. It will maybe help me be a better person (that is why I am reading them), but it will certainly not help me get a girlfriend. If anything, it will make it harder, I guess.
I do not blame anyone else but me. If a woman do not want to be with me, then the problem is not with her, it is with me. And I actually, genuinely care about not making them uncomfortable, or about invading other people's privacy in general. I avoid judging people harshly, and I certainly do not judge them on any sexual practice that involves only (any number of) consenting partners.
Also somehow related, when I was watching Edge of Tomorrow, even while I enjoyed the movie, I was thinking in the background “Hey, this movie will not pass the Bechdel test” and “Why is she kissing him? She knows him for less than 24 hours, and in this timeline she did not even have had the time to know him. It is really only because he is about to save the world, that entertains the terrible idea of sex as a reward” and stuff. Reading all those text on the internet definitely had quite an influence on me. The movie was generally good, though.
chaos0xomega wrote: Twas a joke my friend. He's a terrible terrible human being and a sad excuse for a hockey player lol.
Yes, that was what I was curious about. Why is he a terrible human being?
chaos0xomega wrote: I've heard Koreans are fairly insular culturally speaking (my experience has been limited to Korean Americans whom Ive grown up with since I was a small child, so I dont know how true it is), the English, Americans, and Australians tend to be a bit more open, but you also have to be willing to talk to them.
The real problem with Koreans is that most of them do not speak English (or so few it does not help much), and I do not speak Korean. Other problem is I was at work most of the time (about 10AM to 10PM, six days a week), and they were busy too. But apart from that, those I spoke to were very nice people. Actually I met one girl there because I was waiting in the line for the bus, it was raining, and she had an umbrella, so she proposed me to come under the umbrella. How nice is that ?
chaos0xomega wrote: Fact. The n-word is what women use to disqualify you ("You're a nice guy, but..."), using it to refer to yourself will effectively kill your chances. Its a really odd dynamic that I haven't quite figured out, but its like theres some subliminal connotation with that word that (if used in self reference) that will turn them off.
If the best thing one can think of about himself is that you are a nice guy, it should not come as a surprise he is not that attractive. I mean, that is basically the backup solution when you have nothing else. And let us be serious, if you were to choose between the nice, boring, stupid, bland girl or the witty, cultured, interesting girl with whom you have a lot of common interest but which is a little more wicked, which one would you choose? Certainly I would choose the one who is fun to be around, and it is no wonder it works the same way for girls. That seems just like common sense when you think about it this way.
Not to mention the whole nice guy phenomenon. I read some nice long article on it, but it is in French, sadly.
Re: Sean Avery... I can't even begin, lets just say that most of his teammates and the fans of the teams hes played for hated him, as did his coaches (one of which famously said that if his team was to win the Stanley Cup then he needed to field NHL quality players before sending him down to the minor leagues), and then there is this:
which famously lead to the implementation of a rule just to stop that kind of behavior (Avery is the dickbag in blue).
I subbed this thread a while back, it's been interesting/amusing/enlightening.
Upon reading the above quote, it instantly reminded me of an article I read on Cracked.com.
Spoiler:
Snippet from article wrote:
Don't say that you're a nice guy -- that's the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to them 36 times a day.
The article is great, I have it book marked and re-read it every 3-4 weeks. And whilst not being directly applicable to getting a date, it's definately worth a read.
It might be a little hard to hear, but pour yourself a drink and read this Cracked.com article. I'm going to re-read it now...
French or English, is definitely something I plan to do though. I will try to get a temporary position in an English-speaking country after I finish my PhD, to improve my oral skills and my accent (though not sure if I should try to keep it, at least occasionally, since I heard French accent can be pretty popular).
.
FTFY
With that kind of positive attitude, I can see you being a hit with the ladies
chaos0xomega wrote: No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder
Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.
That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.
@Alby- Got any suggestions?
Hey folks, sorry, been really busy recently. A quick update: I met the most amazing girl! She's tall, slim, blonde and an artist. She's from my hometown, we get on great... Just generally really like this chick. Looks like I might have a girlfriend, a keeper this time.
Anyhow, starting conversations on Tinder... I guess my general advice would be 'don't try too hard to be noticed'. Whilst this might be counter intuitive, it's easy to completely mess up your first impression by being too wacky/smooth/forward. Send a quick message and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES send a follow-up message if she doesn't get back to you right away. My opening message is always this:
'Hey (name), what's happening? x'
That's literally it. Occasionally, if there's something interesting about their profile, I'll ask about it, but not that often. Only if it's noteworthy. If a girl likes the look of you, she'll reply, simple as. From there it's usually been something like this:
'Oh nothing just chilling lol. Work tomorrow, sad times. :(. You?'
'Booo! Haha, yeah same. Where you work?'
'Just in an office/shop/who cares. It's alright. My boss is a dick though. You?'
'Yeah, I work for a bank in risk and remediation, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. Yawn. '
'Hahaha! (They always seem to laugh at that, Christ knows why) I dunno, it sounds pretty interesting. (By interesting, she means well-paid. I'm not)'
'You should get out more! Haha, jokes.'
And so on. Works for me. The key is to not be creepy and to make her laugh, but not try to hard to do so. Be cheeky, poke fun at her if you get the chance. Girls like to be teased because (IMO) it shows you're not TOO concerned about her feelings and therefore don't reek of desperation.
As always, standard caveats apply. I'm just sharing what works for me, it's not the gospel. I HAVE slept with three different girls over the last fortnight though, so read into that what you will. I'm just trying to help however I can.
I had a feeling it would be that easy. Just keep it casual, informal, and shallow.
Basically, yeah. It may be tempting to dive straight into talking about 'deep' stuff, but consider this... How fething weird is that?! My general rule of thumb for conversations on Tinder is basically don't say anything you wouldn't be comfortable saying in person, at a bus-stop, to a girl you just met. At least, not at first. Think about how you strike up friendships in real life, with people of the same sex (for the purposes of shorthand I'm generally assuming that I'm addressing heterosexual males, btw -apologies if you're reading this and are not one, but I can only really speak from my own perspective on this) - you don't walk up to them and go 'hey, I like cheese, do you like cheese? We can be friends and eat cheese together some time.' For one thing you'd sound like a fething murderer. Your interactions with people who later become even your best friends generally start from really banal beginnings and gradually blossom into something more. The same I feel is true of romance. Both friendship and romance start from the same place - actually liking the other person, believe it or not!
We tend to like people who are nice (but not sycophantic), fun (but not *ugh* 'zany') and who put us at ease (without putting us to sleep). I try to do/be all three of those things in my dealings with people, in both my professional and personal life, because it's nice (and useful) to be liked. It's a solid basis for productive and meaningful relationships. Have you ever noticed how 'intense' people are often loners/lonely? It's because they're no fething fun to be around. Who wants to go grab a drink with the intense guy? I know I'm talking to a lot of intelligent people here, and that it's difficult not to be little 'heavy' when you are intelligent, particularly when you feel yourself to be more intelligent than many of those around you, out in your everyday life. I get it. I was that kid. I'm not that man, though. I figured out that, sooner or later, I'd better lighten the feth up or end up alone. I've never looked back.
Life is absurd. A joke, really. Laugh at it. You might find you're not the only one laughing.
which famously lead to the implementation of a rule just to stop that kind of behavior (Avery is the dickbag in blue).
I have no idea how hockey works, what he is trying to do, and why that is not cool.
You should change that, you'd be one of the few in France with an appreciation for the sport, which would give you something unique to talk about with others... then when everyone else caught on you could say you liked it before it was cool
In any case, he is standing in front of Martin Brodeur (the goalie - one of the greatest goaltenders to ever live in fact) and he is attempting to distract him and screen him so he cannot see the puck and so that his team can score a point more easily.
Basically, yeah. It may be tempting to dive straight into talking about 'deep' stuff, but consider this... How fething weird is that?! My general rule of thumb for conversations on Tinder is basically don't say anything you wouldn't be comfortable saying in person, at a bus-stop, to a girl you just met. At least, not at first. Think about how you strike up friendships in real life, with people of the same sex (for the purposes of shorthand I'm generally assuming that I'm addressing heterosexual males, btw -apologies if you're reading this and are not one, but I can only really speak from my own perspective on this) - you don't walk up to them and go 'hey, I like cheese, do you like cheese? We can be friends and eat cheese together some time.' For one thing you'd sound like a fething murderer. Your interactions with people who later become even your best friends generally start from really banal beginnings and gradually blossom into something more. The same I feel is true of romance. Both friendship and romance start from the same place - actually liking the other person, believe it or not!
That is so spot on, I never even thought of it that way... although there is one issue I see, in that my conversations on tinder usually begin banally, and then they say banally. On the faceless online medium of the internet where you aren't really speaking to anyone in real time (and thus the conversation is stilted, disjointed, and comes and goes in fits and starts), there isn't really any conversational motivation/energy for it to ever expand past that banality into anything else. In other words, the conversational dynamics that allow the initial banal conversation to evolve and grow into something meaningful aren't there.
Have you ever noticed how 'intense' people are often loners/lonely?
Yes :C
It's because they're no fething fun to be around.
I'm tons of fun to be around!!! People love hanging out with me, its just you have to get to know me before I open up like that.
Who wants to go grab a drink with the intense guy? I know I'm talking to a lot of intelligent people here, and that it's difficult not to be little 'heavy' when you are intelligent, particularly when you feel yourself to be more intelligent than many of those around you, out in your everyday life. I get it. I was that kid. I'm not that man, though. I figured out that, sooner or later, I'd better lighten the feth up or end up alone. I've never looked back.
Life is absurd. A joke, really. Laugh at it. You might find you're not the only one laughing.
I think its possible to be both intense and lighthearted simultaneously, but thats just me. I take things seriously, that doesn't mean I won't joke around about it.
P.S. - Was listening to Dresden on my ride into work, still get chills every time I listen to Annihilation... with a voice like that its no wonder you pull in the ladies!
Nevelon wrote: You can add “strong Google-Fu” to the things you are good at. One more thing you are good at that you bring to the table.
Yeah, I have a few computer skills. It comes with being a nerd, I guess. I can help people with their stuff, especially if they are using Linux. Except for those that are better than me, of course . Most people are not, I guess, but some are so much better they feel like Gods walking among mortals!
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote: French or English, is definitely something I plan to do though. I will try to get a temporary position in an English-speaking country after I finish my PhD, to improve my oral skills and my accent (though not sure if I should try to keep it, at least occasionally, since I heard French accent can be pretty popular).
.
FTFY
Was oral comprehension skills wrong here, or is that a joke with a sexual innuendo?
Albatross wrote: I know I'm talking to a lot of intelligent people here, and that it's difficult not to be little 'heavy' when you are intelligent, particularly when you feel yourself to be more intelligent than many of those around you, out in your everyday life.
Ugh, I hate that line of thinking. When I was in middle school, I used to feel superior about how I did not like soccer and everyone else in my class liked soccer because they were told to and they did not know better. Bad times. I do not want to be the arrogant bastard anymore ever again. I am still found of pretty obscure stuff much more than big mainstream stuff, but I do not scorn other people tastes anymore. Even when it is considered okay to despise it, like for Justin Bieber or stuff like that. Feeling that you are more intelligent than other people seems even worse than thinking you have superior tastes .
chaos0xomega wrote: I'm tons of fun to be around!!! People love hanging out with me, its just you have to get to know me before I open up like that.
Opening up is not easy, yeah.
chaos0xomega wrote: P.S. - Was listening to Dresden on my ride into work, still get chills every time I listen to Annihilation... with a voice like that its no wonder you pull in the ladies!
That name made me though it was industrial music. Checked it. It is very much not industrial music. I should have guessed that indus voices would not pull most of the ladies .
That is so spot on, I never even thought of it that way... although there is one issue I see, in that my conversations on tinder usually begin banally, and then they say banally. On the faceless online medium of the internet where you aren't really speaking to anyone in real time (and thus the conversation is stilted, disjointed, and comes and goes in fits and starts), there isn't really any conversational motivation/energy for it to ever expand past that banality into anything else.
Ok, I see what you're saying. I usually find it helpful to 'break the fourth wall' in some way, to kind shake things up a bit and change the whole paradigm of the conversation. In fact that's actually a pretty useful conversational tactic whatever the situation. And yes, I am aware that talking like this makes me sound like a sociopath... Anyway, for example I used that tactic in a job interview when my mind momentarily went blank in answer to a question:
'So Ryan, in work, what would you say your weakness is?'
Me: 'My weakness? Look, I'm not going to give you some rehearsed 'interview' answer you've probably heard thousands of times.... Boring! Right? "Oh, I'm a workaholic, I'm a perfectionist...". Come on. My weakness..... I'd have to say chocolate. No, wait, heroin. I'm kidding. I guess I'd say that not everyone gets my sense of humour sometimes? But that's ok, right? I work hard, I'm not mean to anyone... I think humour's important for team camaraderie and morale. Teams with high morale perform better.'
I got the job, incidentally. So look for a way to approach the conversation on a sort of meta level. Have a conversation about the conversation, or about tinder. Like,
'so this is pretty weird, right? Like, texting a total stranger to try and start a conversation and then.. I dunno, we get married, or something? Is that how this works? Haha! How are you finding tinder so far, by the way?'
I also occasionally find 'So, we should do the whole 'get to know you' bit, huh? Anything you want to ask me? Fire away' useful on occasion.
Also, ask questions. About everything. Women generally love to talk about themselves. Here's an example conversation 'chain', let's call it:
So... Work tomorrow?
Ugh, yeah.
You don't enjoy your job?
Um it's ok, just stressful at the moment...
Whys that?
My boss is a total dick! Grr!
Heh, yeah mine too! I think everyone's boss is probably a dick. Being boss makes you a dick! Why in particular is your boss a dick? Sorry for saying 'dick' a lot. Hahaha!
You said it again! Haha!
I literally cannot stop saying 'dick' now. My life is ruined. I'm supposed to be giving a big presentation tomorrow at work, but it's just basically going to be me standing in front of a PowerPoint screen saying 'dick' over and over again. I'm so fired.
Hahaha!
Hey, this is fun! Fancy having a go at real actual conversation some time, with like, coffee and chairs? Maybe even a table? Etc.
So, yeah, that's basically it. That's how to 'close' on Tinder. Basically keep tugging at that thread until she offers up something you can make a joke out of, or otherwise turn into a way of making her laugh. You don't have to be super compatible or even have anything in common - if she finds you funny and therefore engaging, she'll probably feel like she's going to enjoy your company in person. It really is that simple.
So I messaged this one girl who I matched with who seemed pretty cool (and very pretty), her profile says "Not on here for anything other than to talk to people. Jusy say hi!" which ordinarily I regard as bs, but we'll see.
Anyway:
Me - Hey, what do you feel like talkin about?
Her - Life! What's new and exciting in your life?
Me - Haha, ugh I am terrible at those questions. I guess the things big on my mind right now are that two of my closest friends just had kids, two of my college roommates are getting married over the next two weekends, and I finally managed to track down a pair of shoes that I've been after for months in my size.... (dont judge, they're a really nice pair of shoes! lol). How about you?
Her - Ha I feel ya. My fiancee and I just broke up so I'm free as a bird. No getting married for me just yet :p
Me - Ohhhh... ummmm.... wow, I'm really sorry to hear that and not entirely sure how to respond. Are you okay?
Her - Actually I'm awesome. Best decision I could have made. So no real response needed where are you from?
Me - Well thats good! I think, lol. I'm from Sparta, you?
No response yet to the last one (but I only just sent it). Thoughts?
Automatically Appended Next Post: Update: responses, a few more messages sent back and forth with further banalities... HALP!!!
Easy E wrote: The "problem" is he needs to close the deal and ask for a face-to-face.
Yes this, but given the whole "Im only here to talk to people" thing and the "I just split with my fiance" thing, is it appropriate? I'm bad enough at getting to that point normally (not to say that I haven't or don't, just not recently), when you add in 'complications' ala recent breakups and a seemingly pre-disqualifier of interest it gets tough for me ><
Automatically Appended Next Post: Maybe I should just shoot her back a reply to her last message and just say something like 'Hey, Tinder really stinks for messaging, feel free to text me at xyz, although I understand if you don't want to since your profile says you're only looking to talk"? This gets me one step closer/out of the tinder zone, as well as giving her an opportunity to say something like 'oh no, ignore that' or whatever
chaos0xomega wrote: Yes this, but given the whole "Im only here to talk to people" thing and the "I just split with my fiance" thing, is it appropriate?
Does “My fiancee and I just broke up so I'm free as a bird.” sound more like “I am devastated by the loss and I do not want to meet any man in the close future”, or does it sound more like “cool, now I can date anyone I want to”? To me, it sure sounds more like “I can have fun again, that is why I joined Tinder”, but hey, what do I know? For the “I am only here to talk”, well… you will just talk for the moment anyway, I guess. Maybe in person if you decide to meet.
chaos0xomega wrote: Maybe I should just shoot her back a reply to her last message and just say something like 'Hey, Tinder really stinks for messaging, feel free to text me at xyz, although I understand if you don't want to since your profile says you're only looking to talk"? This gets me one step closer/out of the tinder zone, as well as giving her an opportunity to say something like 'oh no, ignore that' or whatever
Why the bold part? You are not asking her for anything shameful, you do not need to apologize beforehand or anything. I mean, if she wants to say no, she will. Without any hesitation, thanks to the awesome magic of the internet. Though I am not sure about why switching to another message system will change anything, but then again I do not know how Tinder messaging work.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Or, let us put it that way. Imagine you are talking with someone, having a good time, and then suddenly that someone start saying “I would understand if you do not want to talk with me anymore, we can stop if you want to”. How would you react? That would seem mighty weird, would it not?
Well,
- I have the advantage of distance, that is not me talking over Tinder. It quite helps to analyze.
- I still have no girlfriend. You had more than I did .
That 'I have no experience and am superanalytical about everything' thing that you are doing? Stop it. You are your own worst enemy. I've seen a couple flashes of brilliance and understanding from you already, you are capable of snagging a fine lady yourself, but you gotta stop self-sabotaging.
chaos0xomega wrote: That 'I have no experience and am superanalytical about everything' thing that you are doing? Stop it. You are your own worst enemy. I've seen a couple flashes of brilliance and understanding from you already, you are capable of snagging a fine lady yourself, but you gotta stop self-sabotaging.
chaos0xomega wrote: That 'I have no experience and am superanalytical about everything' thing that you are doing? Stop it. You are your own worst enemy. I've seen a couple flashes of brilliance and understanding from you already, you are capable of snagging a fine lady yourself, but you gotta stop self-sabotaging.
But I answered your last questions by being analytic about it. And if I stop being analytic, how will I know if I am doing something appropriate or if I am being creepy/annoying!
how will I know if I am doing something appropriate or if I am being creepy/annoying!
Believe me, no amount on analysing will tell you this, and very few people will tell you, either, since you're assumed to know that you're being creepy/annoying and are doing it on purpose. The only way you can tell if you're not being annoying is if the other person is equally as invested in the conversation; outside of that, it's a complete mystery that no amount of thinking, rethinking, and overthinking will tell you.
Sauce: I suffer from severe anxiety, this gak gets to me on a daily basis.
Aw guys, time to step up!
But really though, My love life is such a mess right now. This girl is on me 24/7. But my girlfriend literally wants nothing sexual, ever.
So i don't know what to do. Because of the gf I care nothing for emotional. And I don't care enough to try for anything sexual. But this girl...is much hotter than my gf and puts out like crazy,
poppa G wrote: Aw guys, time to step up!
But really though, My love life is such a mess right now. This girl is on me 24/7. But my girlfriend literally wants nothing sexual, ever.
So i don't know what to do. Because of the gf I care nothing for emotional. And I don't care enough to try for anything sexual. But this girl...is much hotter than my gf and puts out like crazy,
He's making a joke that poppa's post is a made up story rather than a honest statement about his life to be fair it wouldn't surprise me if he's lying either there's something about his/her's posts that seems insincere.
He's making a joke that poppa's post is a made up story rather than a honest statement about his life to be fair it wouldn't surprise me if he's lying either there's something about his/her's posts that seems insincere.
Aw. Though I normally bait-post, in this thread I've been serious in most of my posts. My last post being one of those serious ones.
Anyways, the reason I don't want to just 'hook-up' with this girl is because I find that emotionless sex isn't as good as when it's done with someone you actually care about, you know?
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pick up lines. Good job. 
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), so we were barely on the limit…
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