Cheese Elemental wrote:Don't worry barlio, this thread is still safe.

On a side note, what do people think of turtles and pie? Imagine if the two were put together...

Cheese Elemental wrote:Lord Cheese, Emperor of Chan IV, sat brooding in his throne, glaring at the World of Warcraft player kneeling before him, clad in ripped and ragged clothes. Cheese leaned fowards in his throne, lowering his face to within an inch of the pathetic creature's face. The WoWfan slowly raised his head, shivering with terror. The Mark of Blizzard on his forehead stood out on his pale, sunlight-fearing skin.

Cheese snorted derisively under his crowned helmet, leaning back in his throne. It was a marvelous creation, forged from pure nerdrage, the many carvings on it depicting scenes of Mechas being blasted to smithereens by Leman Russ Battle Tanks and Dakkaites being ripped to shreds by ravenous MTG players.

Cheese spoke, his smooth, slightly English voice breaking the silence of the throne chamber.
"Is this the best you could manage, Moot?" he asked his Administrator, not taking his gaze off the WoWfan.
"Indeed, my lord. The others either perished in the crash or were killed by the men before they recieved the order to bring some in alive."
Cheese tilted his head. "A pity," he murmured. "I would have liked to have met the scum who said the Imperium of Games Workshop was the greatest power in the galaxy. Ah, how their screams would have resounded around the fortress!"
"Indeed, my lord." said Moot, backing away into the shadows.

Cheese was completely still. Reaching down beside his throne, he drew his ornate Blade of Flame. It was this blade that had made the feared warrior-woman Lunahound upset and caused the man known as Frazzled to launch an invasion with the Great Army of Ban, which had been driven off after a long week of being unable to communicate with his allies (his transmission screens had simply displayed the message 'Banned until 14/7/999.M41). It was a gift to him from the neighbouring planet of Warseer, a world that Cheese had once found to be repulsive in the extreme.

He examined the carvings on the hilt of the power sword, enchanted by their beauty. Then, quick as a flash, he plunged the blade into the WoWfan's chest. His mouth opened in a silent scream as blood bubbled from his throat, and he collapsed fowards as Cheese ripped the blade free.
"No sport at all," he spat. "Dakkaites are so much more pleasureable to kill."
His two Troll bodyguards stepped fowards and picked up the body, hauling it away to the lair of the beast.

The door to the throne room suddenly swung open, and a tall, armoured figure strode forth. The faces of trolls and images of flames were carved into his plate armour and the hilt of his sword. Stopping in front of the throne, he removed his helmet, and Cheese jumped in shock.

It was the mighty warrior Gwar, the mighty half-troll who had once been Cheese's comrade-in-arms before he was defeated in a duel by the Dakkaite Emperor Yakface, before being cast into a dark portal by the Arch-Artificier Legoburner's Blue Screen Generator.

Cheese quickly composed himself. "Gwar," he began, "it is good to see you after these many long years. I was beginning to think that you would never be able to reformat yourself successfully."
"Indeed, Brother Cheese." said Gwar. "I beheld many terrible things in that realm, and experienced great frustration. Legoburner certainly knows how to program a virus."
"Things have not been so good recently, Brother. More and more Dakkaites have taken up arms against me, and some have even started Ignoring me. Even my comrades from Australianus have turned on me, even the wise and calm Sebster and the bitter old Chromedog."
"That is unfortunate to hear, Cheese." replied Gwar. "But fear not, for during my time in the Realm of Blue Screen, I managed to rally a large army of banned Trolls and convinced the defeated Arch-Powergamer Green Blow Fly and the Tactical Genius Stelek to join us in our glorious crusade.
Cheese's face lit up. "Excellent, Gwar! With the four of us leading the Trolls, Flamebaiters, Neckbeards and Powergamers, nothing shall stop us! I can already feel the universe tremble at our approach! Even the Mods know our names!

The door to the chamber swung open again, and two figures stepped in. One wore a Watchmen T-Shirt and had the look of a Powergamer around him, and the other was tall and mysterious, clad in a long black hooded robe that obscured his face. Not an inch of skin showed, and his glowing eyes betrayed no love for fluff.

"Cheese, these men are Green Blow Fly" -he indicated the Powergamer- "and Stelek, the Tactical Genius." They will be our key to victory, for they have both had DCM status in the past and know all the secrets of the Dakka system."

"Excellent!" Cheese grinned broadly, a wide Troll-smile that showed all of his white teeth. "Prepare the fleets, for today, the Mods shall hear our voice! Not even the mighty Yakface shall ignore us! Frazzled's deck-chair will be shattered, Killkrazy shall experience the Blue Screen, Alpharius will have the special rules for his Legion taken away, and Waaagh of Gonads shall have his post count reset! None shall stop us! Together, we shall crush the weakling Dakka system, and turn it into a permanent outpost of 4chan! We already have a foothold on Off-Topic, and we are gaining ground on the Forge World of Articles!"

All around the fortress, the Troll bodyguards heard a rare sound; the harsh, insane laughter of Lord Cheese the Fallen.

shadowice558 wrote:meanwhile on the other side of the system a dark robed figure stood in silence infront of the computer screen, lost deep in thought after what he had just read.
on one level it was a masterful plan, but on another it seemed like an incredibly stupid idea to post all the details on a public forum, especially the verry forum that the plans involved. something just didn't sit right about the entire situation.
the robed figure switched off the computer screen and sat down in the dark, pondering what he had just read and looking for any possible alternatives.
hours later as the sun was rising footfalls could be heard down the hallway.
the dark figure stood with bow in hand and rushed to the door ready to face any threat that might have located him.
as the footfalls got louder he could soon hear the sound of someones heavy breathing, it sounded as if they had run halfway across the world.
suddenly the figure was upon him, the robed figure drew a bead on his target just as the man stopped and squeled.
"DONT SHOOT DUDE, IM ON UR TEAM!"
the figure looked at the mans face, thick of neck and with a mono-brow and half grown beard, then recognition came.
"nordadas, what are you doing here!"
"master... i-i came as quickly as i could, the outposts are gone, they are swarming us. they have the power of chuck norris we cant sto-"
"SILENCE! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION HIS NAME!"
"i-i'm sorry master, i didn't mean to..."
"shutup, what's happened."
"they've taken the outposts, they are too strong, there's to many of them, i was at the front when it started talking with some warriors and then the hounds started barking. we had no idea what it was but after the kennel master managed to silence them we heard it."
"heard what damn you!"
"it...it was a battle cry... at first we couldn't identify it, but then as it got closer it became clearer... it was the trolls. it was the dreaded 'OLOLOLOLOL'"
"...but HOW! we DESTROYED THEM YEARS AGO! that cry hasn't been heard here for years!"
"we don't know where they came from, but the warriors ordered the paraphets manned by mages and archers, but it was too late, before even a dozen bowmen were in place they were over the walls... they... THEY USED THERE OWN MEN TO BUILD A RAMP!"
"gak. where are they now! were there any survivors?"
"a few... not many, we got a bird from stone mountain, they had been taken, the castellan was the only man still alive, and only because he had burnt his own ladder sealing himself in the tower. we suspect that bird was the last thing he ever did. as for the others we found only ruins and corpses aplenty. ours and theres in equal number. there is barely a dozen of us, all warriors from my post."
the dark figure sat down again suddenly exausted. he could hardly comprehend what had just been told him. the trolls had returned, and with more men than ever seen before. he had to do something, but they had destroyed all the outposts in hours, it was unprecidented. he had only one course of action left. with the plans he had just seen and the attack he had just received word of there was no alternative.
"we leave now." he said snatching up his bow and spear.
"where are we going to go?" the pathetic wretch seemed to cower before him. it was pathetic, he might have killed him then but if they encountered the trolls every man was a distraction.
"gather your men, theres a ship waiting, you have 5minutes or the lot of you stay here."
the man scurryed off as fast as his legs could take him. meanwhile the robed man hurryed down to the yard when he heard it off in the distance. it was a high pitched whiny sound at first, completly un-intelligable... but it was aproaching at rapid speeds. then he could identify it. it was a warcry. the trolls had found them, the wretch and his men had been followed!
the wretch and his men were running towards the ship as he entered the yard at full speed, he jumped onto the wing and into the cockpit in 2 swift moves, and started the ship as he seen the first of them. he lifted off just as the first of them reached the ship and just made it out of there grasp. he heard a scream underneath him and spared a glance. the wretch was too slow, him and two of his warriors were being dragged under the tide... and beaten down. nevermind, he was useless anyway.
he threw back his hood and long dark hair reflected the moonlight like polished crystal. deep blue eyes so dark they seemed black in the dark gazed at the com screen in fornt of him. he knew what he had to do and fast. he opened a cumunication to the only one who would receive him 'welcomely'.
"WUT DA YEW WANT!" a gutteral voice growled through the speakers.
"the time has come my friend. i have decided to call in that favor you owe me."
"OOO DA 'ELL DA YA THINK TA ARE! GAZZGHULL THRAKA OWES NO MAN FAVA'S!"
as the com screen crackled into life he gazed into the ugly half mechanized face that was the orc warboss 'gazzghull thraka'. he enabled his own com-screen and the orc recoiled from the picture.
"why it's me old friend, the man who gave you all those nice powerclaws for your boyz, all them cybork bodies... remeber a little more now?"
"ARRGH, WUT U WANT, IT BETTA BE GOOD OTHA WIZE I SENDN DA BOYZ DOWN TA KRUMP YA!"
"i bring you war my good friend. the trolls are back. i don't know how but they are back, and they are stronger than ever. i don't know who done it but someone has broken the seal. the bastards are spilling out of there hole into our plane even as we speak... 4chan is opened, and it is here."
"WUT! OW DA ELL DID YA LET DAT APPEN YA STUPID UMIE... BOYZ...BOYZ!! SOUND DA HORNS, WE'Z GOT WAR TA DO!"
"ahh, i knew you would see it that way. thank you. head to nagrand. it's where the last seal is kept. we MUST not let them break /b/ or all is lost."
as the comunication ended the man sighed. it had gone well, he had dreaded what would happen if his cybonic implants had stopped working. it had taken quite a lot of effort to remove half that orcs head, and even more to make sure the 'doc' chose the right parts to fix it. if he hadn't agree'd many lives would have been for naught. as he opened another com-link a larger fear gripped him. the people he was about to call were the greatest warriors in the universe. but this was a risk even they might not take.
"well hello there good chap, who might you be" a jolly sounding voice asked as the com screen crackled to life. before him a tall man sat with a cup of light brown liquid in his hands and a plate of crumpets before him.
"i'm a friend. and one in need of help. my name is not important now, not untill i know i can count on you."
"well then, that seems like an awfully queer reply, you may call me eldrad. now what could i do for you today old chap?"
"my planet has fallen. the outposts are gone, /tg/ is loose. we need help from all we can count on. the trolls are striking for the final seal. they will break /b/ before nightfall if you don't help us. please, i am but one man, and a few warriors, all wounded. i have called the warbosses to nagrand to defend it. but they are too far, you are the only ones who can help now."
"BLOODY HELL MAN! how did this happen. right o then. this is a grave situation. just let me get a look at you so i know who to speak to when we arrive."
eldrar grasped for something slightly off screen and raised a hand to his eye. as he lowered it there was a monacle covering it, a gasp escaped him.
"y-y-YOU!"
"yes. it's me. war has come and i intend to fight. we can talk more on nagrand. and maybe you can bring some of your nice young ladys with you. just tell them shadow ice is waiting."
as the com screen died before him and he entered orbit shadow glanced down onto the ruined planet beneath him, where once a barren planet had stood now there was nothing but flames. how the trolls managed to conjur flames from dirt he didn't know, but the message was clear. the final seal would be broken. and he had to stop it. as he programmed the nav system a curse escaped his lips.
"damn you cheese, and damn you twice gwar. may the others take you both. and pray that enough warriors will stand with us."

Gwar! wrote:anything

BaronIveagh wrote:

MasticatorDeelux wrote:Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.

Roll a D100

1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the SoB.


I rolled an 84. The second time, I rolled an 81. I must REALLY want to be a Leman Russ driver.

I gave it a whirl. 96 and 99. I'm a commissar working for the Inquisition... does that make me Ciaphas Cain?

kirsanth wrote:Wed, Feb/27/2008 10:09:19 AM (!?!)

Something great was started.

Thank you, ZandrisIV. It still makes me laugh.

corpsesarefun wrote:EDIT: is it just me or is this whole "troll horde versus the palladins of dakka" thing actually a rather awesome concept

The planet's surface was broken and tainted, burnt out forests and ruined city scapes dotted the horizon as far as the eye could see. Bodies and burning wrecks littered the area, where Lord Commissar General Frazzled's proud forces once stood in defiance of the hordes of Arc Heretic Cheese Elemental. "Is this what we left this world too?" crackled a hoarse voice through a helmet vox.

"So it would seem Lord Alpharius," replied GoFenris, sweeping his boltgun around in search of any threat. "But fear not, I hear tale that other MODs have made contact with the Lord Commissar, and that they have chosen to dispatch more of my brother Astartes of Dakka Contributus in attempt to aid the beleaguered forces there."

"It matters not GoFenris, the Heretic has managed even to gain hold on beloved Chapter." said the Giant in blue green power armour as he lifted what had formerly been a helmet in the service of the OT Guard Forces, he gazed at momentarily before casting it back to the ground. "What of the Church of the Turtle Pie?"

"You know what's become of them Brother." responded a voice from behind, Alpahrius turned to see his Brother Moderator Iorek stepping from a recently arrived Land Raider along with an escort of Astartes, who along with GoFenris' marines had begun to cleanse the field. "Ever since our wise and powerful Lord Yakface ordered their disbanding they have been a broken group, several of which have fallen under the sway of the Heretic."

"Our Lord was wise to disbanned them, their ways were to similar to the Arch Heretic for their own good. But this, this is a conversation for another time Brother Iorek, tell me why have you come here?" inquired, his arms raised in question.

"Frazzled's forces are once again under attack my friend, and the Troll Gwar! leads Cheese's forces." Alparius' eyes narrowed at the mention of the Troll King, had his banishment truly ended so soon, no it couldn't be possible. Iorek smiled sadly as he noticed the question in his old friend's eyes. "I'm afraid its true Brother, I've dispatched Malfred and two teams of Astartes to help hold him off."

Alpharius shook his head sadly and motioned to GoFenris to recall his Brothers, they would be needed to help with the siege, with any luck they wouldn't be too late. He shot one last glance at his brother, "I truly hope they are enough my friend."

"As do I..." responded Iorek as he watched his fellow mod and his marines board the Thunder Hawk. The craft lurched to life and lifted off into the bleak ash filled sky's of OT heading for the last remaining Dakka stronghold.